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Those who have been following this blog for a while know that I'm alway working on some Crazy Project or other. In fact, usually I'm working on at least two or three. Like, for example, a humor magazine, or a blog directory, or a novel. The latest of these projects is something called CheapKindleBooks.net.
Having sold a few thousand copies of Mercury Falls for Amazon's Kindle platform, I recently decided that I should probably buy a Kindle myself. The first thing I did after unwrapping my Kindle was to Google "Cheap Kindle books." To my surprise, Google returned only a smattering of discussion group posts and blog posts listing a handful of titles. Next I tried browsing through the Kindle store, but was unable to find a way to get a list of inexpensive books for the Kindle. It wasn't hard to find well-known, low-priced (or free) public domain titles, but why wasn't there a site where someone could find inexpensive, newly released titles or less-well-known but competitively priced books? So I rolled up my figurative sleeves and put together my own site to help readers find cheap books for the Kindle. There aren't a whole lot of books listed right now, but the list will be growing rapidly. If you don't see a book listed that should be, you can even add the book to CheapKindleBooks.net yourself. Don't be shy, authors. Go ahead and add your books. That's what the site is there for. Oh, and if you have a blog/website, I would greatly appreciate a text link to CheapKindlebooks.net from your site. My goal is for CheapKindleBooks.net to be the #1 ranked site for "cheap kindle books," which is why I'm doing that annoying thing where every other word is a link to CheapKindleBooks.net. If you do link to the site, just let me know, and I'll give you a shout-out in a future post. Thanks!
In Part One of this series, I argued that the one indispensable ingredient to the success of a novel is enthusiasm. Before you can expect people to buy your book, they have to be excited about it, and to get them excited about it, you have to be excited about it.
The other huge advantage to writing a book that you’re
excited about is that it’s much easier to market. Those of who have witnessed
my marketing onslaught for Mercury Falls
may be surprised to learn that I absolutely abhor sales. I’m probably the worst
salesperson in the history of humankind. And yet, I have no problem
wholeheartedly recommending my book at every opportunity because it’s a book I
believe in. I don’t mean that I believe that it will sell millions of copies; I
have no idea how many people will ultimately want to read it. It’s not a book
calculated to generate sales; it’s simply the best book I could write, and as
such it’s something that I want to share with people. I’d stack that enthusiasm
against the cold calculations of the clueless publishing houses any day. And
that’s why I’ll say again: Write the book
that you want to read. If you can do that, you’re a long way toward
creating a successful book. Too many writers worry about getting “published” when
they should be worried about writing a book that people will want to read.
There’s a reason I put the word “published” in quotes in the
previous paragraph, by the way: these days, the idea of being a “published”
author is an antiquated and virtually meaningless one. Getting “published” in
some sense or other, isn’t difficult. Mercury
Falls, for example, was published by St. Culain Press. Never heard of it?
That’s probably because it’s a fictitious company that I created solely for the
purposes of publishing Mercury Falls.
So am I a published author? I guess that depends on the definition of
“published” you use. Frankly, the question doesn’t interest me. Mercury Falls has has sold over 4,000 copies. That’s the sort of thing I care about.*
I’m convinced that these days being “published” by a
traditional publisher is a meaningless detour on the road to being a successful
author. The only real advantage to going with a traditional publisher is that
you’ll have an editor to help make your book as good (or at least as
marketable) as possible. That was the main reason I attempted to go the
traditional route before finally self-publishing Mercury Falls. Unfortunately, while I got some positive feedback
from literary agents, I just couldn’t get any bites. So I started to float the
idea of self-publishing it.
The fascinating thing to me was that the people who screamed
“NO! DON’T DO IT!” were themselves aspiring authors who had not yet been
published. All of the published authors I knew said, “That’s a great idea. Go
for it. Get your work in front of readers and show publishers that you can sell
a few thousand books.” Published authors already know that being published
ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. That’s not to say there aren’t challenges
associated with self-publishing, but compared with the challenges facing any
unknown author, the challenges of self-publishing are nothing.
It’s true that the odds of a self-published book being
successful are extremely small. But to say that self-publishing generally
results in failure is to confuse cause and effect. The odds of any book being successful are extremely
small. Books published by traditional publishers are more likely to succeed
because publishers have the luxury of cherry-picking the one book out of a
thousand that they think will sell (and they are still wrong most of the time!). Saying that publishers create
bestsellers is like saying the NFL creates great football players. The NFL
doesn’t create great players; all
they do is try to predict which players will be great. Similarly, if a
publisher decides to publish your book, it’s because your book has a good
chance at success. The difference between writing and playing football is that
writing is a solitary endeavor. While a professional football player would have
a hard time succeeding outside the NFL, you don’t need the approval of a Big
Publisher any more than a marathon runner needs the approval of the National
Marathon Runners Association. If you have a book in you, write it.
Again, I don’t want to give the impression that if you write
a decent book and publish it through one of the many self-publishing companies
out there, you’ll have an instant bestseller on your hands. Whether you’re
published by Random House or Joe Smith Press, it’s an uphill battle to get your
book noticed by book retailers and readers. Making Mercury Falls into the modest success that it has become took a
tremendous amount of work. I essentially took two months off from work to spend
time promoting my book. I’m a web developer by trade, so I was able to
capitalize on my technical skill to get exposure for Mercury Falls. I promoted the book on my blog, created a separate
website with information about the book, created a Facebook page for it, and
much, much more. I also spent a fair amount of my own money to send over 200
copies of Mercury Falls to potential reviewers.
So, to the question “How do I write a bestselling novel?” I
can only answer that I have no more of an idea than anyone else. What I do know
is that writing a novel that you’re excited about is a very good first step. If
you’re excited about it, there’s a good chance other people will get excited
about it – and if one of those people is a literary agent or an editor at a big publishing house, that’s a
nice bonus. But don’t write for that faceless agent or editor. Write for
yourself.
This essay originally appeared in Write Good or Die, a free eBook edited by Scott Nicholson. I highly recommend it. *I wrote this before AmazonEncore approached me about re-releasing Mercury Falls under their brand. Despite the fact that I'm now associated with a "real" publisher, my advice still stands. I signed up with AmazonEncore only after I had pretty much exhausted available avenues to market and distribute the book on my own, and they only approached me in the first place because I had done so well without a publisher. Anyone who tells you that self-publishing is a dead end is speaking out of sheer ignorance.
Since my success with self-publishing my first novel, Mercury Falls, I am occasionally approached by other aspiring authors looking for guidance. It's somewhat telling, I suppose, that these writers never actually ask for writing advice; apparently they are either pretty sure of their own ability or aren't particularly impressed with mine. In any case, what they always ask for is marketing advice.
I usually toss a few ideas out (make a website for your book, get on Facebook, get on Twitter, etc.) and then I say, "One of these days I'm going to do a series of posts on Mattress Police about promoting a self-published book." Now that I have another book out that I'm promoting, I figure this is probably a good time to start that series.*
Before I start giving marketing advice, however, you're going to have to sit through some writing advice, for the simple reason that the best marketing in the world isn't going to help a book that nobody wants to read. The following essay originally appeared in a great little eBook called Write Good or Die, available for the extremely reasonable sum of FREE at Smashwords (or $0.99 if you feel like supporting your local corporate giant), along with essays by much more respectable authors, such as Kevin J. Anderson, M.J. Rose, Heather Graham, J.A. Konrath, Gayle Lynds, Alexandra Sokoloff and Jonathan Maberry.
Write the Novel You Want to Read
If you’re like me, when you finish reading a novel you usually
think one of two things – either:
1) Wow,
that was really good. Some day I’d like to write a novel that good.
or
2) Wow,
that was really bad. I could write a
better novel than that.
Again, if you’re like me, #2 happens quite a bit more often
than #1. I sometimes say that good writing inspires me to write and bad writing
provokes me to write. Yet while the
amount of lousy writing that finds its way to the shelves of bookstores can be
a source of encouragement, it’s a mistake to think that if you write a novel that’s
better than 90% of the crap out there, it will be a surefire success. The fact
is, while quality is certainly an important factor in determining a book’s
success, it’s far from the most important factor. There’s only one surefire way
to write a bestseller, and that’s to be
famous before you write it. Stephen King could put together a book of
stories about his visits to the supermarket and it would sell ten million
copies. Sarah Palin’s book is outselling the Bible because she’s pretty and
she’s been on TV, not because she has anything interesting to say. Yes, Stephen
King was once an unknown too, but the point is that as an aspiring author it’s
a mistake for you to compare your work to Stephen King’s and think, “My book is
as good as that, so a publisher will snap it up and readers will buy millions
of copies.” First, it probably isn’t. Second, your book is going to be missing
the one element that has been critical to the success of every Stephen King
book since Carrie: the name “Stephen
King” on the cover.
The good and bad news about marketing fiction is that beyond
being a celebrity (or at least a known author), no one really knows what goes into making a successful novel. Look
at J.K. Rowling, who is one of the bestselling authors of all time (and the
twelfth richest woman in Britain).
The first of her phenomenally successful Harry Potter books was rejected by twelve publishers – and that’s after she had gotten a reputable
literary agent to represent her. If any of those publishers had had the
slightest inkling that the Harry Potter books would be even a tenth as
successful as they turned out to be, they would have snapped it up in a second,
but they had absolutely no idea.
Imagine if you were to take the Hope Diamond to twelve of
the most reputable jewelers in New
York and not a single one of them would give you a
dollar for it. It would make you start to think that the whole profession of
jewelry appraisal is a lot of bollocks, wouldn’t it? Now imagine that someone
in the know about the jewelry business informed you that most jewelers lose
money on most of their sales and only manage to stay in business thanks to a handful
of fluke successes. At the very least, you would think twice about trusting one
of those jewelers with the success of your own gem. You’d be well advised, in
fact, to eschew the guidance of professional jewelers altogether and take
matters into your own hands. Replace “jewelry” with “manuscripts” and
“jewelers” with “publishers” and you’ll have a pretty good sense of how the
publishing industry works (or doesn’t work).
A moment ago I stated that no one knows what causes a novel
to be a success, which isn’t entirely true. The one characteristic shared by
all successful novels (other than those written by known authors) is that they are books that people tell their
friends about. The rub, of course, is that no one knows what exactly causes
someone to be filled with the urge to tell another person about a book. Quality
helps, sure, but when’s the last time a co-worker brought in a copy of Charles
Dickens’ Bleak House or Voltaire’s Candide and said “You have to read this”? What makes people do
this with the Harry Potter books and The
Da Vinci Code and Twilight? Like
most people, I have no idea. But I do know this: for someone to want to
recommend a book to other people, they have to be excited about it. And how do
you know what people are going to be excited about? The best way to answer that
question, in my opinion, is to ask yourself what you are excited about – and
then write about that.
This is a critical point. Writers are often told to “keep
your audience in mind,” which is good advice – unless, when you think of your
audience, you imagine some amorphous crowd of people who fit some particular
demographic. If you target your book at 30something college-educated male
science fiction fans or 20something white single mothers, you’re going to fail.
No one wants to read a book targeted at a demographic. You want your reader to
think, as they are reading your novel, “Wow, this author knows me.” How do you do accomplish this? Again, write what you are
excited about. No matter how eclectic your interests, there are other people
out there like you – and they have friends. Did J.K. Rowling know that there
was an untapped market of tens of millions dying to read about British children
attending a school of wizardry? Probably not. But she was excited by the idea, and that excitement is infectious.
Don’t write for a demographic. Don’t write for publishers,
reviewers or agents. Write for yourself and maybe for that handful of people
who really “get” you. Don’t worry about the appeal of your book being too
narrow. My novel, Mercury Falls,
certainly isn’t for everybody. To be honest, I’m surprised that its appeal has
turned out to be as broad as it is, considering that it’s filled with obscure
references to everything from Occam’s Razor to Creedence Clearwater Revival to Wargames. What I’ve learned is that,
ironically, by intentionally refusing to pander to my audience, I actually made
Mercury Falls more interesting for
readers outside of what I originally thought was my target demographic. Readers
respond to authenticity, originality and excitement, even if it’s not packaged
in a way they expect. To be continued....
*At this point you're probably figuring out why these people think I'm some kind of expert on self-promotion.
Hi,
I’m responding to your Craigslist ad from 8/17, entitled “I
Need a Hero.” I’m interested in applying for this position, but I would like to
clarify a few items before officially throwing my hat in the ring.
First, is the position still open? Your ad specifies that
you will be holding out for a hero “till the end of the night.” I’m assuming
you were referring to the night of August 17th; however, your ad was
not posted until well past noon on that date. I don’t mean to be presumptuous,
but is that a realistic timeframe for locating a hero? I am currently the night
manager at a small delivery company, and sometimes it takes three days for the
temp agency to find a college kid to label boxes.
What duties is this hero going to be expected to perform? You
specify that “he’s gotta be strong” and that “he’s gotta be fast.” Is there
some kind of optimal balance here? How strong are we talking, exactly? I’m not
going to lie to you; if you’re looking for someone to dead lift 400 pounds, I’m
not your guy. What I lack in brute strength and sheer speed, however, I make up
for in endurance and proper form. Plus, I have my own back brace and I’m not
too proud to ask for help, if there’s something that I just can’t safely lift
on my own. I will, of course, require a few minutes of stretching before doing
any serious lifting and/or sprinting. You should be very skeptical of any
respondents who insist that they don’t need to stretch, unless you’re looking
to take your hero to urgent care for a groin pull.
Also, when you say, “He’s gotta be fresh from the fight,”
how fresh would I need to be? I mean, can I shower first? Because there’s a
fine line between “fresh from the fight” and “ripe from the melee.” And let’s
say I haven’t had a good tussle for a few days. Should I punch a homeless
person in the kidneys on the way over to your place, or what? Don’t get me
wrong; I won’t run from a fight if that’s what the situation calls for, but I
don’t want to be expected to meet some kind of quota just to keep my
certification or whatever.
Frankly, your entire ad is a little difficult to parse. For
example, what do you mean when you say, “Where's the street-wise Hercules to
fight the rising odds?” My dictionary defines “street-wise” as “attuned to and
adept at surviving in an urban, poor and often criminal environment.” Where is
your operation located exactly? Again, I don’t mind dealing with the occasional
lowlife, but have you thought of relocating to a more hospitable location? Also,
not to nitpick, but how does one fight odds? Wouldn’t I be fighting someone
or something against the odds?
Finally, I think you mean “diminishing odds,” rather than “rising odds.” If the
odds are rising, that means things are basically improving on their own, right?
I guess you wouldn’t need me in that case.
I should also point out that your mention of “a white knight”
violates Equal Opportunity Employment laws and Craigslist’s anti-discrimination
policies and the requirement that he be riding a “fiery steed” is… well, it’s
not going to make you any friends at the ASPCA, that’s for sure.
Anyway, I hope I haven’t given you the impression I’m not
interested in the job; I’m just trying to do a little due diligence here. I look
forward to hearing from you, and having you feel my approach like the fire in
your blood.
Another entry in my series of Childhood Injustices that I Probably Should Have Gotten over by Now....
Dear Sunday school staff at Cascade Christian Reformed
Church of 1975:
I want you to know that I don’t blame any of you for the
“Duck, Duck, Goose incident” that occurred in the late spring of 1975. In retrospect, it was my own fault for not
realizing the perfectly obvious risk that I myself might at some point get the
nod to be the “goose.” The small but
ever-present possibility of being tagged as the “goose” is, after all, what
lends the game an air of excitement. I
guess it was just a classic case of thinking that it could never happen to me. Well, I learned my lesson about that, let me
tell you! Now I know that but for the
grace of God, any of us could be the “goose.”
These days, of course, I don’t play much Duck, Duck, Goose, but that’s
more due to lack of opportunity than fear. I am convinced that I’d be up to the challenge of being the “goose” if
the situation presented itself, and that’s in no small part due to your patient
reassurances.
Anyway, sorry about the screaming and bawling. I sort of panicked. The sensible thing to do would have been to
simply stand up and begin walking around the circle, patting the other players
on the head while saying, “duck, duck, duck,” until the spirit moved me to “goose”
someone, as the rules dictate. It’s an
almost comically simple game, when you think about it, but I was going through
some stuff back in ’75, what with starting first grade that fall and
everything, and I guess the whole “being the goose” thing was just too much for
me. I hope my little freak-out didn’t
sour you on the idea of teaching Sunday school or, for that matter, the game of
Duck, Duck, Goose. How about if we all
just agree to move on? Yours respectfully,
Rob
Some of you may have heard that I have a new book out.
As I learned from my experience with Mercury Falls, one of
the most effective forms of marketing a book (assuming the book isn’t shite) is
to offer free copies to reviewers. When I was getting ready to release Mercury
Falls, I spent a couple of days combing through Amazon reviews looking for
email addresses of reviewers who I thought might enjoy the book. Very few
Amazon.com reviewers post their email addresses, so it took me many hours to
build a list of about 200 email addresses. I crafted an email offering a free
copy of the book to the recipient with no strings attached (although I
mentioned that I would of course appreciate a review) and sent it out to the
list. About half of the recipients didn’t respond, about a quarter declined,
and about a quarter said they’d be happy to take a look at Mercury Falls. So I
shelled out several hundred dollars to send copies to those fifty or so reviewers.
Fortunately, my gamble paid off: the reviews were overwhelmingly positive,
leading to a lot more sales.
When I was getting ready to publish my latest book, The
Force is Middling in this One, I decided to try this strategy again. After
about four hours of combing Amazon for email addresses, though, I only had
about 20 email addresses. I marveled at the patience and determination of my
pre-published self, and said to my current self, “Screw this. I’m going to use
the Mercury Falls list again.”
So I crafted another email and sent it out to the 20 or so
email addresses I had just found, plus the list I had originally used for
Mercury Falls.* Being aware that some of these people were probably no longer
doing reviews and that I had originally selected them based on their interest
in a different kind of book, I added a disclaimer to the bottom of the email
that read:
Thanks again for your support. If you would prefer not to
receive any more emails from me, just reply with “F--- you” in the subject line
or something and I promise to leave you alone.
After all, when you send an email to 220 people, you have to
expect at least a handful of them to be pissed off. Generally these are people
with erectile dysfunction and/or very small penises who don’t have time to be
wading through emails not directly related to their own problems.
In fact, though, the recipients were surprisingly polite.
The results were fairly similar to those of my previous effort: About half
didn’t respond, a quarter said yes, and a quarter declined. Even those who
declined were universally polite and cordial – except for one guy. This guy
took it upon himself to explain how my email was not only rude but misguided
from a marketing perspective. He wrote:
I no longer review books on amazon. when i did review books on Amazon I only
reviewed books that were within the fields that my work is concentrated on or
authors whose literary work I admired and modeled my work on. I even refused to review books published by
friends and colleagues when offered. I certainly would never review a book sent over the transom
by someone who has no regard to my interests or what I actually review. To
anyone whose review ould be worth something, a letter like this would be a
reason not to review a book. Good luck and keep writing. TT
In other words, not only was I a jerk for offering this guy
a free book at my expense; I was a misguided jerk who knew nothing about how to
market a book (even though the strategy he was pooh-poohing was the same
strategy that helped Mercury Falls sell 5,000 copies and eventually get
re-published by the world’s largest bookseller).
I replied:
Wow, you use a lot of words to say “f--- you.” Rob
A few hours later, I got this response:
No. I gave you advice
based on 45 years in all sides of the publishing industry, based on being
published since 1967, based on being a writing teacher, based on working with
writers who get on the NYT best sellers lists, and based on working on issues
involving online promotions including in regard to Amazon with Amazon and with
publishers I have worked with, about how
you should and should not send out these requests. I am a busy person with my own work. You sent me an
unsolicited email asking me to do something and I took time out to indicate
something you could have done better. I could have just deleted your or blocked
you. Too many people think writing is a question of their
personal merit or strokes, rather than a business, an art, and a
profession. Your response speaks to the
quality of your mind, the strength of your reason, and where you will end up. TT
Apparently, while TT was far too busy and important to review my book, he had all the time in the world to assess my marketing plan and pontificate on my fate in life. Well, I could have just shot off another quick jab, but I
took some time to read over his email several times and think about what he had
said. I took a long walk and ruminated on his words. Finally, after I thought I
had sufficiently composed my thoughts to put together an appropriate response,
I sat down at my computer and wrote:
Man, it takes you even more words to write “I’m an asshole.”
Economy of words, friend. Rob
I’m still waiting to hear back.
*No, you can’t have this list. Are you an asshole? If not, buy The Force is Middling in this One now!
A while back I heard about an opening for a columnist at a certain humor site that shall remain nameless because I DON'T NEED THOSE STUPID JERKS ANYWAY. They were holding a contest where you had to suggest a prospective column topic and then write several samples fitting that format. My idea was to write letters to people who had somehow offended me decades earlier. I called it "Letters about Childhood Injustices that I Probably Should Have Gotten Over By Now." Catchy, right? I can't imagine why they didn't pick me.
Anyway, here's one of them.
To Joel P., my best
friend from first through fourth grade, inclusive:
Dear Joel,
How have you been? It’s been a long time since we were best friends back in elementary
school, huh?
Speaking of which, remember when we decided to start a club
with just you and me as members, and we were trying to decide which of us was
going to be president? We came up with
the idea of picking the president based on which of us could draw better. It seems a little silly now; what does
drawing have to do with being president? On the other hand, I’m not sure there is any criterion that makes more
sense when your constituency consists of yourself and one other third grader.
The important thing was that we both agreed on the process:
we would each draw a picture of an airplane, from memory, and then our older
brothers would decide which was the better drawing. Well, we both did some pretty decent airplane
drawings, if I say so myself, but yours got the nod, and I was willing to
accept the results of the election and be your loyal constituent. But then your brother told me that you had
cheated: you copied your picture out of a book. So I contested the results of the election, at which point you
threatened to “leave and start [your] own club.” We ended up compromising: we would be co-presidents
of the club.
I think that was a pretty good solution, don’t you? We made a good team as co-presidents. I mean, except for the times when you were a
manipulative, cheating asshole, which was always. Your pal,
Rob
Yes, yes, I know I promised to do some more substantive posts, but first I have a little business to get out of the way.
The official release date for my new book, The Force is Middling in this One, is set for Tuesday, July 27, 2010. As with Mercury Falls, I'm giving Mattress Police readers the chance to pre-order a signed copy. However, this time around you only have ONE WEEK to pre-order. So don't dither as if this were something unimportant like an oil well dumping millions of barrels of oil into the ocean. The last day to pre-order is Monday, July 26. If you wait until after that, it will be TOO LATE and DOLPHINS WILL DIE.*
Have you ever wondered: - What happens to a kid who isn't quite good enough with the force to be a Jedi?
- What is it like to live in the worst city in the United States?
- If we aren't allowed to test shampoo on monkeys, how will we ever know if our monkeys are clean?
The answers to these and other questions can be found in The Force is Middling in this One, a collection of the best material from over three years of posts on MattressPolice.com. If you're a fan of this blog and/or you enjoyed Mercury Falls, you’re sure to enjoy The Force is Middling in this One. Pre-order your autographed copy now. Available in one easy payment of $11.99!
The Force is Middling in this One contains such classic posts as:
Thanks for your support. More entertaining posts will commence in a few days. Maybe.
*Little known fact: Dolphins are the only species on earth other than humans that GIVES A SHIT ABOUT DOLPHINS.
So this morning I got an email from my old pal Johnny Virgil at 15 Minute Lunch. It seems that some douchebag with a MySpace blog* has been stealing Johnny's posts. JV wanted to give me a heads-up that DMB** had appropriated some of my content as well. For example, take this post, lifted entirely from MattressPolice.com. You may not recognize it because he took the time to change "Ripon, California" to "Hammond Louisiana" (note the inability to type two words without making a punctuation error) and "Nissan 300ZX" to "F-150." You'll notice, however, that the images are broken. That's because he was too lazy (or stupid) to save a local copy of the images from this site, and simply hotlinked to them. The images are now broken on his site because the images are broken on my site. Because, uh, I was too lazy (or stupid) to back up the images when I switched servers.
The point, however, is neither laziness nor stupidity, but rather the unscrupulous scraping of my screen scribbles by this scurrilous scrotum-scratcher. And frankly, DMB's unscrupulosity isn't the point either, now that I think about it. DMB, like most MySpace bloggers, appears to have about 0 readers, and without readers, he's pretty limited in the amount of damage he can do.*** So while we should all sign up for MySpace accounts simply to leave a comment telling this guy that he's a giant douchebag, we should then move on to the real issue.
The real issue here, friends, is that the world is crying out for more Mattress Police posts. People are so desperate for new Mattress Police material that normal, high-functioning douchebags have been driven to strain their mental capacities by setting up MySpace blogs with the sole purpose of redistributing my material. And friends, no one redistributes my material without a signed note from the Obama administration.
Given this overwhelming public pressure, and the fact that I've pretty much got that oil leak under control now****, I've decided to return to blogging. I doubt I'll get back to my breakneck pace of 2-3 posts a week, but you can look forward to seeing some new material here***** once a week or so.
SO IT IS WRITTEN. SO IT SHALL BE DONE.
*I know, "douchebag with a MySpace blog" is redundant. **Douchebag MySpace Blogger, not Dave Matthews Band, although if it helps you generate the appropriate amount of disgust, you can picture Dave Matthews if you like. ***As I often say about the Dave Matthews Band, "Remember, DMB can't be DUMB without U." ****And presumably on DMB's blog. ******The one in my car, not the other one.
Looking for some cheap reading for Christmas vacation? Through the end of December, you can get the digital version of my novel, Mercury Falls, for only $0.99!
And of course you can always buy the old fashioned paperback version.
Note that I am going to have to raise the price of the paperback version to $14.00 very soon to cover distribution costs, so if you want to get it for the old price of $12.00, act now, as they say.
Mercury Falls has received an amazing 60 5-star reviews on Amazon so far (out of a total of 72 reviews)! A Top 500 Reviewer recently called it "wickedly funny." And check this out: it's currently the number three ranked book in Kindle/Humor, right under Glenn Beck and Shakespeare.
Thank you for your support!
Hi all! I'm working on a collection of humorous essays similar to (but longer and better than) my Antisocial Commentary book, and I need your help. Currently I'm looking for feedback on what posts from this blog to include in the book and what posts to leave out. If you want to help, please email me at diesel(at)mattresspolice.com before Christmas and I will send you the current manuscript to look over.
Qualifications: - Some familiarity with this blog. You see that heading over to the left that says "MOST POPULAR POSTS"? If you haven't read at least half of those, you're probably not going to be of much help. You don't need to have read Antisocial Commentary, but it wouldn't hurt.
- Sense of humor.
- Ability to dig a straight trench, within a variation of +/- 3 feet.
Compensation: When the book is published, I'll send you a signed copy for free. I may or may not include a bookmark.
Thanks in advance for your help!
What really happened to the Biblical character Enoch? Were there jazz clubs in 1900 B.C.? Why are there so many asses in the Bible? These questions and more are answered in “Mercury Swings,” one of the earliest adventures of the wise-cracking angel Mercury on the Mundane Plane.
Mercury strolled along the banks of the Euphrates, trying to pinpoint the source of a saxophone wailing the unmistakable strains of Dixieland jazz. As the sax gave way to the strumming of a bass, he spied a man wrapped in desert garb near the entrance of a cave.
“What’s happening, friend?” queried the man, a phlegmatic Amelekite who was sucking on what appeared to be a rolled up piece of papyrus stuffed with some sort of dried vegetation. Foul smelling smoke wafted from an ember at the end of the papyrus roll.
“Just out for a stroll,” said Mercury, trying to appear nonthreatening in an effort to counterbalance the fact that he towered a foot and a half over the prehistoric hepcat.
“Is that tobacco?”
“To-what-o?” asked the Amelekite, unimpressed. “Never heard of it. This is what we call ‘funk weed.’” The Amelekite took a long, slow drag on the makeshift cigarette, the corner of his mouth curling upward in cool bliss. He held the smoke for a moment and then began to exhale, but the noxious fumes caught in his throat and he started to hack and cough uncontrollably. Mercury waited while the man fell to his knees, choking for breath and ultimately vomiting into an unlucky bush.
“Why would you do that to yourself?” Mercury asked, genuinely puzzled.
“It’s the music,” gasped the green-faced Amelekite. “I keep telling myself to quit, but for some reason this music makes me want to inhale the poisonous fumes of some kind of dried plant.”
As the Amelekite struggled to his feet, the impassioned wail of the saxophone once again echoed from the cave’s mouth.
“It’s an anachronism,” said Mercury. “Jazz isn’t supposed to be discovered for nearly four thousand years. After tobacco and whiskey.”
“Well,” reflected the Amelekite thoughtfully, “Anna Nakkernizzim is a bitch, I’ll tell you that much.” He hacked up a wad of mucus from his throat and spat it on the bush. “What’s the password?”
Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/6946. “Mercury Swings” is available in a variety of digital formats and it’s totally free. And don’t worry if you haven't read Mercury Falls yet: there are no spoilers. :)
I have to admit that I walked into the theater with pretty low expectations for the new end-of-the-world flick 2012. Roland Emmerich, the instigator of such dreck as 10,000 BC and The Day After Tomorrow, has not proven to my satisfaction that he’s capable of doing anything as a director other than signing some ginormous checks for visual effects. So I was pleasantly surprised when, once behind the velvet rope, I realized that I could just walk into The Fantastic Mr. Fox playing next door and no one would be the wiser. As a result, I enjoyed my moviegoing experience, but I do feel that I should warn you that this review may be slightly tainted by the fact that I have not actually seen the movie I’m reviewing. However, I have watched the trailers for 2012 very carefully, and if Emmerich’s other films are any indication, very little of interest happens in the movie that is not covered by the trailers. In some ways, I am probably more qualified to review this movie than someone for whom the good parts aren’t quite as fresh in their memory.
2012 tells the story of Terence “Trip” Walker (played by a middle-aged John Cusack), a toll-booth operator with a DARK SECRET. As the movie opens, Trip is at a party with his co-workers, who are celebrating his tenth anniversary as a toll-booth operator. A plain-looking toll-both operator (played by an aging Joan Cusack) says to Trip, “I gotta hand it to ya, Trip. I never expected you to make it ten years. Yep, it was ten years ago today, on January First, 2002, that you started working here. Smart guy like you, I thought you’d be GOING PLACES.” Trip smiles wearily and trudges back to his booth, carrying a piece of chocolate cake on a small paper plate. “What’s so exciting about going places?” he says.
FLASHBACK to a Trip as a baby (played by John Cusack as a baby), dressed in winter clothes, sitting in the middle of a frozen pond. Older kids ice skate gaily around him.* Baby Trip manages to pull himself up to his feet and begins to take small, uncertain steps. “Look!” shouts his mother (Broadcast News-era Joan Cusack), “Trip is walking!”
Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The ice is cracking behind Trip! “Run, Trip, Run!” screams his mother, and Trip stumbles uncertainly toward the camera. The ice collapses behind him as he goes, and dozens of gay children fall screaming into the frozen water. Trip escapes by staying one step ahead of the collapsing ice, finally jumping into his mother’s (sister’s) arms, weeping.
FLASHFORWARD to a teenage Trip (Better Off Dead John Cusack) sitting on a bench wearing a football uniform. “You’re up, Trip!” shouts the coach. “Me?” says the confused Trip. “Yes, you! Get in there!” Trip jogs uncertainly onto the field. The ball is snapped and the quarterback throws it directly to Trip, who catches it and runs toward the end zone. Trip’s face is flushed with excitement.
Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The football field is collapsing behind Trip! “Run, Trip, Run!” screams his mother (Joan Cusack’s voice from Toy Story 2). With each step, another section of ground disappears behind him, and dozens of gay football players fall screaming into the abyss. Trip scores a touchdown, but his victory, like the football field itself, is hollow.
We cut to Trip alone in his room. “It’s all my fault!” he cries. “Everytime I run excitedly somewhere, PEOPLE DIE! I WILL NEVER RUN EXCITEDLY ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN!!!”
FLASHFORWARD back to middle-aged Trip at the toll-booth. The clock on the wall reads JANUARY 1, 2012. Trip looks around, bored, and sees a BABY DEER standing wobbily in the FastPass lane. A Lincoln Navigator is bearing down on the deer, oblivious to the helpless creature. Without thinking, Trip sprints to the baby deer and scoops it up in his arms, a split second before the SUV zooms past.
Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The asphalt is collapsing behind Trip! But he doesn’t care, he just keeps running. Soon cars are falling into the massive crevice opening in his wake. He slips and falls, dropping the baby deer, which falls into the gaping maw. Trip just KEEPS RUNNING.
Trip gets into his car and screeches away down the highway. Now the highway is collapsing behind him! He drives through a residential area and houses explode! He drives into downtown Los Angeles and buildings crumble all around him! He goes to the airport and gets on a plane. As the plane takes off, the runway collapses behind it! More buildings pop up near the airport just so that they can fall down around him!
Trip takes the plane on a tour of national monuments – MOUNT RUSHMORE, the STATUE OF LIBERTY and the WASHINGTON MONUMENT all collapse as he flies past. The GRAND CANYON disappears into an EVEN BIGGER CANYON. He doesn’t have time to tour all of Europe, so BIG BEN, the EIFFEL TOWER and the PARTHENON meet him in Venice where they all immediately SINK INTO THE OCEAN!
Trip aims his plane directly for the SUN! But he doesn’t make it there because THAT WOULD BE UNREALISTIC, so the plane’s wings melt and it crashes back to earth, taking out the PYRAMIDS and the TAJ MAJAL.
MANY CENTURIES PASS.
A lone wanderer trudges through the desert, coming upon the crash site. A giant marble monolith reads:
HERE LIES TERENCE “TRIP” WALKER.
HE JUST COULDN’T SIT STILL.
“What the hell?” says the wanderer (Charleton Heston).
“SO,” says a voice behind him. “NOW YOU NOW THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW OUR WORLD CAME TO BE.”
Charleton Heston turns around. He is greeted by the post-apocalyptic RULING TRIUMVIRATE of Tom Petty, Tina Turner and David Bowie.
“NOW YOU MUST REBUILD THE WORLD,” the triumvirate says in TELEPATHIC UNISON. “But…how?” says Charleton Heston.
“WE WILL ASK OUR GOD,” says the trimvirate.
The aging rock stars lead Charleton Heston to a movie theater deep underground. Tom Petty turns on a projector and the image of Kevin Costner wearing a mailman’s uniform appears on the screen.
“SIT AND WORSHIP THE ONE TRUE GOD,” says the triumvirate.
Charleton Heston collapses into a seat and stares at the screen, aghast. “This is your God?” he gasps.
“IT IS.” Says the triumvirate. “THE ONE TRUE GOD.”
“Then the world has gone MAD,” says Charleton Heston. “For you are WORSHIPPING A BOMB!”
“TRUE,” says the triumvirate. “ITS BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE WAS DISAPPOINTING; HOWEVER, IT DID WELL IN THE OVERSEAS MARKET AND IF YOU FAST-FORWARD OVER THE 45 MINUTES WHERE HE IS RECUPERATING IN THAT CABIN IN THE WOODS, IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.”
“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” says Charleton Heston. “Say, this is pretty good popcorn.”
The triumvirate LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.
“What’s so funny?” Charleton Heston says.
“THAT’S NOT POPCORN,” the triumvirate says. “IT’S PEOPLE!!!”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!”
THE END
*This is before people knew what “gay” meant.
You shouldn't have to buy toys made in China to get Mercury for Christmas.
For a limited time I'm offering signed copies of Mercury Falls, for $12. And in the spirit of the season, for every book sold I will donate $5 to the Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (CRWRC). The CRWRC provides help to those suffering from poverty, hunger, disaster, and injustice. Order by December 4 and I will get your book(s) to you in time for Christmas.
For details and purchase info, please visit http://mercuryfalls.net.
Thanks for your support, and have a great holiday season!
I've just posted the first installment of the Mercury Falls audiobook at the Mercury Falls website! If all goes as planned, I will be posting a new installment every week for... well, quite a while. Eventually it will be available through Podiobooks and iTunes as well. The audio version will be completely free.
The MF'ing Blog Tour wrapped up this week with stops at Angry Seafood and the HubPages blog. Thanks to Chris and Ryan for hosting me! I particularly recommend the HubPages interview for anyone who is considering self-publishing a book.
For those of you who are convinced that all I'm capable of these days is self-promotion - well, you have a point. But you'll be happy to know that I'm working on a short story called "Mercury Swings," which I will be posting as a free download in a week or two, and yes, I have started to put some ideas together for a sequel to Mercury Falls. Not only that, but you might even see some blog posts that are completely unrelated to Mercury Falls over the next few weeks!
One more note that IS Mercury Falls-related: for those of you who missed your chance to buy a signed copy, I will be giving you another shot. Tis the season and all that. Mostly I'm doing it because I still haven't been able to get international retail distribution worked out, so I want to let you folks overseas order copies from me. I'll have more details in a few days. If you would like me to email you when signed copies are available, please send me an email at diesel(at)mattresspolice.com.
Thank you all for your support, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving (U.S. readers only)!
Today at 2pm PST I'll be announcing details of a contest wherein I will be giving away 5 signed copies of Mercury Falls. The only catch is that you have to be following me on Twitter to play.
This giveaway is courtesy of my generous new mattress-themed sponsor. Click one of the links below to show your support!
A day after lowering the price for the Kindle version to $1.99, Mercury Falls is now at #16 in the Humor category for Kindle ebooks! Check it out:
Look, I know I should be all cool-author-guy and stuff, but HOW SWEET IS THAT?
I know you're probably thinking, "Sure, #16 is pretty good, but don't you think you should be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by some poser named 'Various'?" I mean, it's only got 2 stars, for Pete's sake! How great can it be? Sure, it's free, which is a little tough to compete with, but I expect a little more from you, Mr. KROO-zee, if that is your real name."
And you know what? You're totally right! I SHOULD be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by that bastard Jean-Claude Maximillion Various. So here's the deal: If you have a Kindle, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go buy the Kindle version of Mercury Falls RIGHT NOW.
Too desperate? Yeah, probably. Okay, you don't need to do it right now. Have a drink. Put your feet up. Relax.
Okay, NOW GO BUY IT.
Don't have a Kindle? No problem! Get the Kindle reader for your iPhone!
No iPhone? Jeez, what are you, Amish? Okay, go here and get the Kindle reader for your PC. THEN GO BUY MY BOOK.
Look, I know you probably already have the paperback. But come on, it's $1.99. I could have totally gotten away with charging you $13.99 for the paperback and you'd have been none the wiser. So just pretend that's what I did. And BUY MY BOOK.
As the MF'ing Blog Tour nears its end, I decided to do something a bit different today. What follows is a conversation I recently had with the author of the new novel Marvellous Hairy, Mark Rayner. As Mercury Falls and Marvellous Hairy are both absurdist satirical novels (his publisher calls it "fabulist satire," and who am I to argue?), I thought it would be interesting for us to sit down and discuss our respective writing processes and fetishes (primates for him, angels and linoleum for me).
The second half of this conversation will appear on Mark's blog, The Skwib.
UPDATE: READ THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO OUR DISCUSSION HERE!
**********************************
Mark Rayner: Why angels? ARE they the new vampires?
Rob Kroese: No. Zombies are the new vampires. Angels are the new zombies.
I'm kind of glad you asked that, actually, because it gives me a chance to ask you: what the hell is up with you and monkeys?
 MR: It's not just the monkeys. It's all primates. In fact, it's the great apes that are the most fun, because they're the closest to us genetically. (And that doesn't include the Barbary Ape, which I'll grant you has ape in its name, but is more accurately known as a Barbary Macaque. Did you know it's the only other primate allowed to roam freely in Europe -- I mean, apart from humans and English football hooligans?) Mostly, I like them because they remind us that we're animals. With thermonuclear weapons. But still, animals.
So if angels are the new zombies, where do you suppose robots fit into all this? What if Mercury came back in a sequel as a good robot who was going to protect the hero?
RK: Nobody writes about robots anymore, man. Robots are like, so 20 years ago.
And 20 years from now. We're at the nadir of the robot cycle.
It occurs to me, now that you've brought up the painful memory of robots, that we both write something close to science fiction that isn't quite science fiction. Your publisher calls what you write "fabulist satire." So my questions for you are (1) Can I use that term too, or is it like trademarked or something? And (2) Are we at the forefront of a new literary movement, or are we just not very good marketers?
MR: According to one of the reviewers of Marvellous Hairy, the novel is leading a new WAVE of fabulist satire, and I would say that Mercury Falls is also in the vanguard of this new literary movement. Marketing, like robots, is so 20 years ago. Now it's all about synergies. And conversations. Hey, let's write a manifesto!
RK: Ugh. I wrote one of those once. It was like Jerry Maguire, except that in real life, instead of firing you, your boss pats you on the back and then completely ignores you. Bureaucracies are far more insidious in real life than in the movies. MR: I agree -- so did the pat down by your boss prompt the satirizing of bureaucracies in Mercury Falls? RK: To some extent, I guess. But I've always been puzzled by the idea (held by a lot of religious
people) that once you die and go to heaven, everything is crystal clear and perfect. But what if things aren't any clearer in heaven than they are here?
What if the angels are all kind of stumbling about in the dark as well? And yet, they're ANGELS, so they're supposed to know what's going on. So they adopt this sort of bureaucratic bluster where they insist that everything be done "by the book," because the only way they can make sense of the universe is to assume that SOMEBODY knows what's going on, and that if they just follow the correct procedures, things will work out. And if course, isn't that basically what people do most of the time? Marvellous Hairy doesn't have as much bureaucratic idiocy, but in its place is corporate greed. Tell us how you really feel about gigantic multinational corporations (keep in mind that I work at Google).
MR: Oh, well Google doesn't count though, because it's, you know, NOT evil. At least, I think I read that on your mission statement, or was that the Manifesto?
I believe that large corporations can be just as bureaucratic as any other large institution, but my main beef with them is they get preferential treatment. Especially in North America and the UK. And really, corporations have just one function -- to generate profits for the shareholders. Or, as Rob (Goodman) says in Marvellous Hairy: "But Gargantuan is a corporation: It's built to make a profit the way that your Jurassic Park T-Rex is built to eat lawyers sitting on a toilet."
RK: I actually agree with you there (and that's one of my favorite lines from the book, by the way). In fact, that's one of the reasons I'm always puzzled when people say things like, "Those insurance companies are only concerned about their profits." Well, duh. That's like saying "All that tiger cares about is killing slower animals and eating them." What exactly do you expect from a tiger? Corporations can be useful things, but they're not about providing scholarships or protecting the environment or even giving people jobs. They're about making money. Period.
The paranoia about big corporations in Marvellous Hairy actually reminds me of some of the novels of one of my favorite authors, Phillip Dick. Are you a big Phillip Dick fan? (You can thank me for not asking you if you're a big fan of Dick.) Are there other authors of whom you think, "Man, if I could just write like that guy (or girl)..."?
MR: Yes, I love Philip K. Dick, and you're not the first person to make that observation. (And thanks, by the way.) I also love Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, Tom Robbins, and if I can get arty for a moment, Italo Calvino. Of course, I've only ever read him in translation, so who knows, maybe in the original Italian he's no good. I also love the sheer gutsiness of Chuck Palahniuk's writing -- not so much the prose -- but how he's willing to pretty much write anything and let the disturbing chips fall where they may.
In the world of the theatre, I really admire Tom Stoppard. He also does lots of screenplays, like "Shakespeare in Love", but I don't hold that against him. (That movie would have been much better if they'd gotten Travis the Chimp to play the lead, instead of Joseph Fiennes.) I got a Douglas Adams and Christopher Moore vibe from Mercury Falls.
Do you read those guys? Are there other writers who inspire you? Or, who do you really hate as a writer?
RK: I can't deny the Douglas Adams influence. He really opened the door for novels like Mercury Falls. Beyond him, I have to admit that I've
(ironically) read very little humor. People keep comparing Mercury Falls to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's Good Omens, which I had never heard of until I was about halfway through MF. I picked up a copy and read it enough to see that while there are similarities in tone and subject matter, I took a pretty different tack.
The other name that reviewers keep mentioning is Christopher Moore, but I've never read anything by him. Lamb is on my list though. I'm hoping it's good, because otherwise my book really sucks.
I'm with you on Dick and Vonnegut. As for writers I hate. well, there is a ton of bad writing out there, but you can't really blame bad writers for that. I reserve my hatred for the publishers who keep churning it out and the sheep who keep lapping it up. And unfortunately, it seems we're headed further in that direction. Wal-Mart, Amazon and Target are warring over the latest book about vampires or Sarah Palin (note to publishers: you know, it wouldn't be that hard to combine those two genres), and meanwhile, decent writers go completely unnoticed. Don't get me wrong; I'd love to see Mercury Falls on an end cap at Target, but I wrote the book for people who like smart, funny, entertaining fiction. I don't believe in pandering to my audience; I wrote the sort of book I wanted to read, and if other people want to read it too, that's fantastic. 
Speaking of pandering to one's audience. You're Canadian, but I assume that a large percentage of your readership is American. Do you feel yourself accommodating Americans in the way you write (not just in spellings, but in the way you use language in general, such as the use of idioms?)
MR: That's an excellent question, because yes, I do have a lot of readers in the US. I also have a lot of readers in the UK. And I'm Canadian, and I know for sure that someday some smartass on the CBC is going to ask me why I spell it "color" not "colour", and aren't I being a traitor to our nation by not including the completely unnecessary "u"? And I'll say: "no, I'm not. And why do you do so many interviews with US writers?" And they'll say, "our listeners are interested" and I'll say, "well then we're both hypocrites, aren't we? Besides, "colour" looks stupid." And then I'll go and do something contradictory like spell Marvellous Hairy with two "l"s. (I tried it with three, but Hailry just didn't make sense.) In terms of idioms, I just go for it, knowing some people will get them and some won't
-- on both sides of the pond and north and south of the 49th parallel -- I just try not to overdo any idiom.
Do you have a favourite idiom?
RK: I always liked the phrase, "Trying to braze an iron goat." There are just certain times when no other words are really adequate, you know?
MR: You're just trying to drive up the stock price of Google aren't you? I know it. I've always liked the idiom "woolgathering'? It is deliciously archaic. Speaking of archaic, did you consult any ancient tomes (other than the Bible) in writing MF? Is there a Jane's book that covers the various makes of Flaming Swords?
RK: Somebody once said that the great thing about writing fiction is that you don't have to do any research, and I take that maxim to heart. I Googled "demon names" to find names for some of the characters, and I had to look up the lyrics of Dishwalla's "Counting Blue Cars," but calling what I did "research" is like calling Twilight "literature."
********************************** My conversation with Mark Rayner concludes tomorrow (Wednesday) at The Skwib. Don't miss it.
More about Marvellous Hairy here.
More about Mercury Falls here.
I'm over at Avitable's place today. Caution: The tagline of Avitable's blog is "tact is for pussies," which may give you an idea of the sort of content you'll find over there.
A few other Mercury Falls-related items:
I just lowered the price of the Mercury Falls ebook on Smashwords to $1.99. Why? Because even though I am now a " local famous author," I still feel for the little man.* You can get it in PDF, Kindle, Stanza, Sony Reader, and several other formats. I'm working on lowering the price on the Kindle version on Amazon as well, but it's taking longer because Amazon is retarded. And if you're not sure you can spare $1.99 for a critically acclaimed book by an up-and-coming independent writer who is just doing his best to bring a little joy to your life, you can sample half of the book for FREE.
Speaking of Amazon, Mercury Falls has now received THIRTY-SIX 5-star reviews on Amazon (out of 39 reviews altogether)! One recent review calls it "the funniest book I've ever read." No joke.
I hope to have the first installment of the audio version of Mercury Falls posted soon. Waiting for Crummy Joel to use his engineering magic to make my voice sound less whiny and lame. By the way, buy his album!
You want more? How about another book giveaway, just in time for Christmas? How about a new short story featuring your favorite rogue angel, entitled "Mercury Swings"? How about you become a fan of Mercury Falls on Facebook so that you'll hear all about this stuff?
*The little man often hides under my bed at night, so I make sure to reach down there and feel for him before I go to bed.
If the video doesn't load, go here.
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