Review: Collateral Damage

Collateral Damage is one of those movies that just doesn't quite work, and it's hard to say why. The premise is classic comedy: Gordy Brewer, a hulking firefighter of Austrian descent (played to a 'T' by veteran actor Arnold Schwarzeneggar, who doesn't have to mask his accent here) goes undercover in Colombia to find the mysterious terrorist leader who killed his family. Meanwhile the bumbling CIA not only can't locate the terrorist, they can't even keep tabs on the giant Austrian, whose complete inability to pronounce the letter 'R' makes it difficult for him to blend in with the freely trilling Colombians. "Say 'terrorista!'" they taunt the caged and bloodied hero, after an intensive search of the local village yields exactly one hulking Austrian. "Tay-o-ee-stuh," the Austrian mutters, and they roll on the floor laughing. Unfortunately, moments of hilarity such as this one are few and far between in this would-be comedy. The slapstick violence feels forced, and even Mr. Schwarzeneggar's attempts at parodying some of his previous roles (you may remember him as the otherwise ordinary family man who harbored a secret life as a killer robot in the Terminator franchise, or as the chameleon-like secret agent in True Lies) fall flat. Not even the serendipitous timing of the movie's release (shortly after the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, D.C.) helps much. So while the film is mildly amusing, I can't give it a heartfelt recommendation.

Review: Sum Adds Up to Excitement!

The Sum of All Fears is the fourth entry in the Jack Ryan franchise, based on the novels by Tom Clancy. Fears picks up where the last movie, Clear and Present Danger, leaves off. As you may recall, in Danger Ryan (then played by Harrision Ford) is set up as the fall guy for an Iran-Contra-esque scandal, courtesy of President Fowler (James Cromwell). At the end of that film, Ryan calls Cromwell onto the Oval Office carpet for his devious schemes. "How dare you?" the President hisses. "How dare you, Mr. President!" Ryan growls back. The stage has been set for revenge.

Enter Ben Affleck as a mysteriously rejuvenated Ryan. While the President appears to have aged several years since the last movie, Ryan's clean living and Eagle-scout principles have given him a new lease on life. If living well is the best revenge, then Ryan has just mopped the floor with Fowler.

It soon becomes clear, however, that things haven't gone well for Ryan since the events of Fears. His prior heroics have been forgotten, and he never even gets a "That'll do, pig," from President Fowler. Also, despite his appearance, age is catching up to Ryan. He is no longer the spry young agent who faced off against the Scottish submarine captain in Hunt for Red October. His physical antics are limited: he only gets in a single fistfight, in which he nearly gets his ass kicked.

This franchise has always been uncannily topical, from the first film where the Scottish submarine captain attempts to defect from the Soviet Union, which is scheduled to collapse from internal decay about the time he reaches New Jersey. The villains of the second and third films (IRA extremists and South American drug lords respectively) dutifully mirror the foreign policy situations of the day, and Fears is no exception. Less than a year after the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, D.C., Ryan is pulled into a conflict with America's most dangerous enemy yet: The Nazis.

Yes, the Nazis are at it again, and they've learned their lesson. This time, instead of fighting the Americans and the Russians together, they're going to get the Russians and Americans to fight each other, and then assert Aryan dominion over the radioactive charcoal heap that remains of the world. The plan is to trigger nuclear escalation by detonating a nuclear bomb in a major city in Maryland (hint: it's not the one with the naval academy). Because, you know, if the Russians were going to start a war, it would be by picking off our cities one-by-one, with bombs shipped across the ocean by U.P.S., starting with Balt -- er, a random city in Maryland.

Anyway, Ryan figures it all out, but can't convince Lord Protector Fowler in time that the Nazis are behind the plot. So Ryan doesn't get any respect, and his C.I.A. mentor gets killed, and his girlfriend gets a bad scratch on her forehead from the nuclear blast, and he's not sure for a while if she's okay, or what. Um, oh yeah, and the aforementioned city gets nuked, which sucks too. Anyway, it all turns out okay, because Ryan makes an impassioned appeal to a mid-level military officer to please, please, please let him use the President's special red phone, swearing on the souls of the strategically irrelevant residents of B-------- that it's a local call. I won't reveal any more, because it's anyone's guess how the movie will end. Oh, screw it. Ryan saves the world, of course. What, did you think maybe World War III really does break out, and in the fifth movie Jack Ryan will be fighting off marauding bands of mutants with a tire iron?

The film closes with an outdoor memorial service in Washington, D.C., which apparently occurs decades after the nuking of B--------, because the attendees don't seem to be at all concerned about that breeze blowing in from the northeast, and the riots and general anarchy that would be caused by demolishing the 17th largest city in the country have subsided. Even after saving the world, Ryan still gets no respect: he doesn't even get invited to the ceremony, and has to sit on the grass with his girlfriend, where he can barely even see what's going on. I have to admit he looks good for his age, though.

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Sum of All Fears, Tom Clancy, Ben Affleck, Harrison Ford