A Risky Scheme

The debate over how to fix Social Security seems almost surreal to me. The problem, in case you haven't been paying attention, is that just before I'm due to retire, Social Security will run out of money. This will happen because the Social Security program is a ponzi scheme. This means that one day in the not-so-distant future I will show up at the Social Security office expecting my first check, and I will be greeted instead with balloons and confetti and noisemakers and a marching band, and they will congratulate me on being the one billionth person to enroll in the Social Security program, and then they will hand me a bill for 300 gazillion dollars. The debate has focussed on tweaking the ponzi scheme so that it will be able to last until my son retires, at which point he will be stuck with a bill for 800 bajillion gazillion dollars -- and no marching band.

I sometimes imagine a meeting of federal bureaucrats trying to figure out a solution to the problem:

Bureaucrat 1: By the time Rob Kroese retires, we will have twice as much money going out as coming it. We have to do something.

Bureaucrat 2: The only options are to either increase the amount of money coming in, or reduce the amount of money going out.

Bureaucrat 1: How do we do that?

Bureaucrat 2: Well, to increase the amount of money coming in, we'd have to raise taxes.

Bureaucrat 1: I think we tried that already. People don't like that.

Bureaucrat 2: Ok, well we can decrease the amount of money going out by reducing benefits.

Bureaucrat 1: Tried that too. No sale.

Bureaucrat 2: What if we start a rumor that money causes cancer in old people? Old people will believe anything.

Bureaucrat 1: No, then we'd just have to increase medical benefits.

Bureaucrat 2: Hm. If only there was some way to...

Bureaucrat 1: What?

Bureaucrat 2: Nothing. It was a stupid idea.

Bureaucrat 1: Come on, Bureaucrat 2, we need to think outside the box!

Bureaucrat 2: Well, I was just thinking that it would be nice if there was some way to, er, multiply money.

Bureaucrat 1: Multiply it?

Bureaucrat 2: Yeah, like puppies. You'd start out with $2 and end up with $4.

Bureaucrat 1: You mean like gambling?

Bureaucrat 2: Yeah! We could take all the money to Vegas! It would be just like that show with James Caan!

Bureaucrat 1: What show with James Caan?

Bureaucrat 2: I don't know. I hear he's in a show about Vegas. I was going to say "C.S.I.", but I don't think we need to kill anybody.

Bureaucrat 1: Too risky. Besides, I hear that gambling is what's known as a "zero-sum game."

Bureaucrat 2: What does that mean?

Bureaucrat 1: It means that the money doesn't actually multiply. It just gets moved around. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose.

Bureaucrat 2: If only there was some way to multiply money that wasn't a "zero-sum game." It wouldn't have to be flashy, and we wouldn't even have to make that much money. We just need a way of gradually multiplying the money.

Bureaucrat 1: You mean like the stock market.

Bureaucrat 2: (puts hands over ears) RISKY SCHEME! RISKY SCHEME!

Bureaucrat 1: What are you doing?

Bureaucrat 2: I heard that the stock market is a risky scheme.

Bureaucrat 1: So where do you put your money?

Bureaucrat 2: I've been stuffing $20 under my mattress every week for the past 20 years.

Bureaucrat 1: How's that working out for you?

Bureaucrat 2: It was a good idea in theory, but the problem is that things seem to have gotten more expensive than they were 20 years ago. Oh, and apparently my grandmother has been taking the money out.

Bureaucrat 1: Sounds a little risky.

Bureaucrat 2: It's working so far. I guess I'll find out next year when I retire.

Bureaucrat 1: Well, I like the stock market idea. The only problem is that it would give the government way too much influence in the market.

Bureaucrat 2: What do you mean?

Bureaucrat 1: If the government put all the Social Security money into the stock market, it would make the government one of the biggest shareholders in a lot of corporations.

Bureaucrat 2: Oh! I thought you meant giving the money back to people, with the understanding that they would need to invest it in diversified index funds with a good reputation, and not allow them to touch the money until they were 65.

Bureaucrat 1: Now THAT would be a risky scheme!

Bureaucrat 2: Tell me about it.

Bureaucrat 1: So...raise taxes or cut benefits?

Technorati Tags:
risky scheme, Social Security, bureaucrat, retirement, privatization, satire

New Evidence Suggests That There Are In Fact Two Americas

North Carolina Senator John Edwards built his presidential campaign around the notion that there are "two Americas," one for the haves and one for the have-nots. Now Edwards' bid for the presidency has ended just as researchers are beginning to find that his claims were all too true.

"We have this idea that there is just one America, that we're all one big happy family," says Ken Swanson, president of the Council to Recognize Two Americas. "But if you look at any standard atlas, you'll see that there are in fact two." Swanson pulls out a large map and points to a large yellowish-green mass below Mexico. "What's that?" he asks anxiously. "It's not the Atlantic Ocean, I'll tell you that much."

The idea that there are two Americas, it turns out, is not new. Geographers have long theorized about the existence of a continent called "South America." If this theory starts to gain acceptance in the global community, it may not be long before Americans have to start referring to themselves as "North Americans" to distinguish themselves from their alleged southern counterparts.

Still more surprising is the fact that John Edwards' characterizations of the "two Americas" are largely borne out by the research that has been done so far. North Americans, the research indicates, tend to be exceptionally wealthy, have access to good schools and first-rate medical care, and possess freedoms that are apparently unheard of in many parts of South America. South Americans tend to be much poorer, have less freedom and opportunity, and suffer many hardships that hardly exist in North America. Coincidentally, many South American countries also rely heavily on a discredited economic system called "socialism."

Some radical thinkers are even postulating the existence of a third America, tentatively being called "Central America." Central America is thought to be even more screwed up than South America. In fact, it's so bad that Mexico, generally thought to be a third world country, has apparently severed ties with Central America and launched a marketing campaign to convince people that it is actually part of North America.

"John Edwards is a visonary," adds Swanson. "He made an issue of this when nobody else dared to talk about it. All I can say is, thank God we live in the good America."

Technorati Tags: John Edwards, two Americas, South America, satire

10 Movie Plots That Won't Be Coming to a P.C. Cineplex Near You

1. An FBI agent investigating the bombing of an office building in a major American city is stunned to find out that explosion was not the work of the CIA or a neo-Nazi organization, but of Islamic extremists who want to destroy America.

2. A ten year old boy runs away from home to escape his abusive, alcoholic parents, who are named Phil and Steve.

3. A Catholic priest who has dedicated his life to helping inner city kids stay out of gangs turns out to be neither a pedophile or a homosexual. In another surprising twist, he does not face the choice between honoring the sacrament of confession and letting a murderer go free.

4. A cynical, washed up lawyer regains his faith in humanity and the legal system by winning a mulimillion dollar class action suit that forces a children's hospital out of business.

5. A brilliant, hard-working entrepeneur fights off accusations that he cares more about profits than jobs, and succeeds in building a small bicycle shop into a Fortune 500 company that employs thousands of people.

6. By some fluke, an "ordinary guy" becomes President of the United States. Not beholden to any "special interests," he simply does what he thinks is best for the country. To his surpise, his "common sense" policies cause the stock market to crash, and unemployment rates soar. Sensing weakness, terrorist organizations attack dozens of key targets in the U.S. simultaneously. Economic chaos ensues, and order is only restored when a military coup ousts the President.

7. A Baptist preacher who travels throughout the South saving souls turns out to be neither an alcoholic, an embezzler, nor a womanizer.

8. With only seconds remaining before he is to be executed by lethal injection, new DNA evidence proves that a death row inmate is, in fact, guilty of brutally killing 16 people.

9. A man who is confused about his sexuality finally comes to a painful realization: He is a heterosexual who has been victimized by constant media portrayals of homosexuals as well-adjusted, successful, and attractive.

10. An anti-Communist "witch hunt" in 1950s Hollywood uncovers a KGB plot to spread propaganda through American movies and television. The conspirators are forced underground until the 21st century, by which time all of their ideas have already been used.

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Movie, P.C., Political Correctness, homosexuality, Hollywood