You may have noticed there have been some changes around here. The Mattress Police are getting organized.
In an effort to further the cause of unfettered mattress inspection and ultimate world domination, we are establishing a strict organizational hierarchy of mattress inspection-related offices, effective immediately. The policies and procedures regarding this new organizational structure are spelled out in exquisite detail here. If you have more questions you would like answered after reading that, well, then you're way more interested in this little project than I am. Maybe get a hobby.
I am, and will remain, the sole Chief Mattress Inspector, as long as I have two cerebral hemispheres to rub together.* I am the decider.
The highest ranking non-hereditary office in the MP organization is that of Adjutant Inspector. Currently there is only a single Adjutant Inspector, that honor belonging to Central Snark. Why? Because I find them amusing, mainly. Also, they were the first non-porn related site to link to me.
The importance of the Deputy Inquisitors is evidenced by the fact that while they are technically outranked by the Adjutant Inspectors, they receive exactly the same salary. The Deputy Inquisitors act as friendly emissaries of the Mattress Police, like Angelina Jolie or the Nazgul. Currently this role is filled by:
The thankless work of the Matress Police would be marginally more difficult were it not for a bevy of Cooperative Citizens. In order to protect their identies, I will not list them all here, but rather refer you to the link list to the right. Also, check out the Colluding Coteries, organizations which are part of the shadowy underworld of mattress inspection.
To view the complete list of officials and/or review the ranking guidelines, please visit the Mattress Police Academy. If you think you should be on this list and you aren't, let me know. I'm kind of an idiot sometimes.
This web page will self destruct in 5...4...3...
Dammit, stupid JavaScript. Give me a minute.
*An interesting side note: My shame spiral moves clockwise in the southern hemisphere, and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere.
Technorati Tags: Humor, mattress, police, hierarchy
In an effort to further the cause of unfettered mattress inspection and ultimate world domination, we are establishing a strict organizational hierarchy of mattress inspection-related offices, effective immediately. The policies and procedures regarding this new organizational structure are spelled out in exquisite detail here. If you have more questions you would like answered after reading that, well, then you're way more interested in this little project than I am. Maybe get a hobby.
I am, and will remain, the sole Chief Mattress Inspector, as long as I have two cerebral hemispheres to rub together.* I am the decider.
The highest ranking non-hereditary office in the MP organization is that of Adjutant Inspector. Currently there is only a single Adjutant Inspector, that honor belonging to Central Snark. Why? Because I find them amusing, mainly. Also, they were the first non-porn related site to link to me.
The importance of the Deputy Inquisitors is evidenced by the fact that while they are technically outranked by the Adjutant Inspectors, they receive exactly the same salary. The Deputy Inquisitors act as friendly emissaries of the Mattress Police, like Angelina Jolie or the Nazgul. Currently this role is filled by:
- Kinda Kitschy - Horrifically bad "Christian" merchandise. Basically why people hate Christians.
- Say No to Crack - An endless parade of amusing items.
- To Be Perfectly Clear - He spends all day surfing the net for weird and funny things so you don't have to.
- The Floater Blog - A menagerie of fauxtos (that's pronounced "photos").
- The Drive-by Blogger - Hmm. Maybe a little too close to the kind of funny stuff you find on this site. Possible demotion pending.
- Random Observations - Possibly the cutest kitty ever.
- It really is a dog's life - Where the mundane and truly bizarre meet for coffee.
- Crummy Church Signs - Wait, maybe this is why people hate Christians. "Stop By and Bring the Kids" - God.
- Dan's Blah Blah Blog - Also a bit too similar to this site for my tastes. Release the hounds!
- puppytoes - She's being modest. There are other puppy parts as well.
The thankless work of the Matress Police would be marginally more difficult were it not for a bevy of Cooperative Citizens. In order to protect their identies, I will not list them all here, but rather refer you to the link list to the right. Also, check out the Colluding Coteries, organizations which are part of the shadowy underworld of mattress inspection.
To view the complete list of officials and/or review the ranking guidelines, please visit the Mattress Police Academy. If you think you should be on this list and you aren't, let me know. I'm kind of an idiot sometimes.
This web page will self destruct in 5...4...3...
Dammit, stupid JavaScript. Give me a minute.
*An interesting side note: My shame spiral moves clockwise in the southern hemisphere, and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere.
Technorati Tags: Humor, mattress, police, hierarchy
Labels: Politics
| posted by Diesel at Wednesday, October 25, 2006 |
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Leave a comment! |
I like jumping through hoops. I figure that bureaucracy gives me the opprotunity to work on those direction following skills that I didn't pay much attention to in first grade. Let's face it, I love to practice hoop jumping. :) I have to ask what is the punishment for cutting off those flippin tags on mattresses?
Hmmm. Well, a good start would be to add me to your blogroll. Then we'll talk about who I need you to whack in order to get promoted to Deputy Inquisitor.
Sorry, that was really inappropriate of me. I meant "whom" I need you to whack.
:) Mais oui! You are linked. I have some amazing whacking skills. Actually that is a lie, but it is true that in a former life I got paid to tell people things they didn't want to hear and then enforced hoops for them to jump through even though I had a feeling they couldn't get their feet off the ground. Ahh former lives. I love them.
Wow!!! sniff sniff
I am honored to have such a title, and yet, I have room for improvement and even a promotion!
Darn, I didn't do a doggone thing and I am ranked second. Woohoo!
I only hope I can live up to the lofty expectations.
I hope no one at your church reads this blog or they might notice all the time you have on your hands. I'm sure there are multiple committees you could chair as well as being church treasurer.
cj - I need you to whack joel.
joel - sorry. The Chief Mattress Inspector giveth and the Chief Mattress Inspector taketh away.
pavel - That's the kind of fawning sycophantic behavior we encourage here at the MP. Keep it up.
robin - For the record, it's my employer who should be upset. I put more effort into church, because the benefits are better.
Hot damn, I made the list!
And all I did was be mundane,truly bizzare, and highly caffeinated, I knew if I kept it up I would someday received the notoriety I deserve, awesome.
Hey, I whacked a lot of people to get where I am; and by "whacked a lot of people" I mean snickered at a few things and edited some html on my blog.
Thanks for the linkage, Rob.
Whack Joel eh? Let me get my mallot! We're speaking "Whack-a-mole" right? And not "Soprano's" whack eh?
Ohhhh Gregory has the old school Hulk image.... Fond memories. :)
I've been hearing barking all damned day. What the hell is going on outside??
whack a mole, CJ? you mean “Whack a Joel”, right?
woohoo!! pleased and proud to be on this list–especially since it’s part of a very funny post! thank you kindly… but if you think this is gonna put you in a better position to get ahold of Princess James’ money, think again, bub. i have it on good authority that the funds are working their way through the red tape, even as we speak. (Princess Lampsha can be extremely persuasive when she puts her formidable mind and/or cement clogs to it.) still… i hear there’s a guy in Africa looking to unload several million, so there may be hope, yet! xox
Thanks for the linkage! And I promise to take my job as a deputy inspector very seriously. I have already notified the authorities of seven different 'perps' (it's a word us in the biz use to describe people who have taken the tags of their mattress').
Sadly, I had to kick my girlfriend and her mattress out of the house as she too had broken the sanctity of Mattress and Label matrimony. But no one shall escape our justice!!!
cj - Nice work. You have been linked. Shame about joel.
dan - sorry, that would be the hounds. Do you have a ball, or maybe a frisbee?
logo - Just don't get cocky. I'll demote you to Cooperative Citizen without batting an eyelash.
gregory - As long as I don't hear about any other unsavory forms of whacking, you're ok in my book.
neva - You're so naive. I can't believe you bought into that scam. And keep your grubby mits off my Nigerian windfall.
alastair p. forbes - "Perps", eh? What won't the kids think of next.
Not only didn't I make the list, I didn't even make the blogroll! F*** you too!
WTF?
Regards,
Princess Lampsha
D'oh! See, I told you I'd miss somebody. F*** me, indeed.
I'll rectify the situation at once. Well, give me a few hours because I'm actually supposed to be working.
BTW, I've decided I'm going to offer made-up definitions for all the word verification strings that I'm given. For example, currently I am faced with "vosso."
vosso (n) The deep rumbling sound that can be heard through the walls of your apartment when your fat neighbor sings along with his Abba records.
Usage: Can you believe I have to put up with that vosso night and day?