Every quarter the company I work for has an "all hands" meeting for all employees where the management reviews what's going on with the company. Despite the fact that quarters occur with more-or-less predictable frequency (hint: there are four a year), these are always slapdash affairs that seem to have used the same PowerPoint presentation since 1984. If you are lucky enough to be middle management, part of the ritual is being assured by your manager 3 days before the meeting that you won't have to present anything, and then being informed 3 hours before the meeting that oops! we need you to "throw together a few slides" after all. I was a little hurt that I wasn't asked to pull some slides out of my rear end this time; it may have something to do with the air of irritation and apathy that I've been cultivating recently.Anyway, I thought I would present, for your edification, my notes from this meeting. I may have missed a few of the finer points.
Q3 All Hands Meeting NOTES
"We continue to invest in our application infrastructure" = "Diesel hasn't quit yet. What's it going to take to get rid of this guy?"
Q: Why a picture of Gandhi on slide with customer service quotes???
- Should have saved that for "belt-tightening" slide
BEST QUARTER EVER!
- "Pipeline the strongest it's ever been" = still more deals that haven't materialized
- revenue shortfall "no big deal"
Nice transition from Gandhi to militaristic metaphors -- "establishing a beachhead"
We're moving to the METRIC SYSTEM. (May have misheard this one. Ask someone later.)
SLA = Symbionese Liberation Army??? (Note to self: Bone up on business jargon)
**Lunch!**
Labels: Work
| posted by Diesel at Sunday, November 26, 2006 |
|
Leave a comment! |
I had heard the SLA was making a comeback.
There are 4 quarters in a year? I didn't get a memo on that.
So did you like Casino Royale?? (I didn't want to clutter up Mr. Fab's comments asking) I saw it Sat night and LOVED it!!!
Ripon, eh? I lived in Dublin for a couple of years.
Everyone should go metric, as God Himself intended.
Fab - I LOVE the SLA. But that could just be the Stockholm Syndrome talking.
Also, in a year.
Candace - I did. Finally a non-smarmy, non-glitzy, non-gadgety Bond. I'm militantly heterosexual, and I love Daniel Craig. Dublin, huh? Then you would appreciate my California Driving Test (I believe the circuitous route traced in my diagram goes past your old apartment).
Joel - I'm doing everything in cubits and spans from here on out.
Funny, D! Reminds me of my time in the computer business, which taught me daily the deep inner truth behind the old saw: "It isn't whether you win or lose, its how you play the game."
In the end, its all about fooling the humans into thinking they matter.
I love your little animation, makes we want to go back to being a developer ;).
At my company, we always hear the same thing from sales and our president: "revenue is down, but our pipeline is so full we expect the next quarter to be the best by far" ... then for some reason we hear the same thing at the next quarterly management meeting.
I always ask our pres why he does this, to which he replies "I have to be positive if I want to motivate everyone". Yeah sure, like I'm the only one that sees through this.
Al - Fortunately I'll be done playing the game in 2 weeks! :)
Crack - Are you in the cube next to me? Because that sounds like exactly the same company.
BTW, I can't take credit for the animation. I stole it from somewhere. Isn't it great? I love how his eyeballs swing around and then fly off.
You kill me. I was so dying over that little typing psycho guy that i had a hard time focusing on the post.
Hey! Come play the word game now...
That picture was one of the funniest things I have seen in a while! I watched it 3 times!