A few weeks ago my family took a road trip from our home in northern California to a resort in Colorado for a family reunion for my mom's side of the family (count the prepositional phrases in that sentence and win a puppy!). I informed a friend about the upcoming trip, adding that my mom's family was "crazy big." She responded, "You mean they're crazy? Or they're really tall? Or the family is really big?"I replied, "Yes."
She thought for a second, and then said, "So it's like a Special Olympics basketball camp?"
Which is an uncanny description of what these reunions are actually like. Except there's no basketball.
To get to Colorado from northern California you have to go through Nevada, Utah, and Wyoming. The kids loved the scenery: the cacti, the rocky cliffs, the desert plateaus.... And that crazy coyote! Man, they must have watched that DVD like 16 times.
Look, I'm sorry. California is beautiful, and Colorado is pretty cool, but I can't figure out why God stuck all that dirt in between them. Nevada has its attractions, but they're mostly immoral, and frankly too expensive. Utah is what Nevada would be if it were run by Mormons. And Wyoming is what Utah would be if all the Mormons left.
I have to say, though, that they all have better roads than California. If you've ever driven into California on I-80 you know what I'm talking about. You'll be zipping along toward Tahoe, exhilarating in the sight of mountains and redwoods after 16 hours of scrub-covered sand, and it occurs to you that you should slow down and get into the right lane so you can take it all in. But then you realize that there's like an 18 inch altitude differential between lanes, and that it's going to take every ounce of skill and concentration that you possess not to end up in the Truckee River. Potholes start flying at you like asteroids at the Milennium Falcon, and woodland creatures dart in front of you like furry little suicide bombers. All the while, insane California drivers are flying past at ridiculous speeds, usually while talking on a cell phone, drinking a latte, and knitting a poncho from hemp fibers. By the time you get to Sacramento, you need to check yourself into a facility to be treated for PTSD.
Utah, on the other hand, has fantastic roads. There were crews of Mormons resurfacing highways in Utah that looked like they were still wet from the last time they were resurfaced. (The highways, that is, not the Mormons.) The roads had so many layers of fresh asphalt that the locals gave directions by saying, "First, get on top of the road...." And these are highways that are built over the salt flats, which are used for by auto manufacturers to test cars. That's right, they are resurfacing roads that are built on top of the world's largest parking lot. I don't know why they don't just send a guy out to run across the desert with a can of spray paint so they can spend their highway funds on booze and cigarettes.
Oh well, I guess we all have our own vices. I wish California's biggest fault was asphalt.
| posted by Diesel at Wednesday, November 08, 2006 |
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Hey buddy, Missouri's worked hard to have the second worst roads in the nation, and don't you forget it!
California! Bah!
Hey Diesel, I'm going to LA next week. After reading your post I don't know if that's good or bad. But I'm not driving in, I'm flying in (man my arms will be tired ... har, har, har ... cough, cough ... busting myself up here).
By the way, did you know that the Mormons keep fastidious records of all of the road surfaces ... even when the surfaces go down many, many generations? They're sort of, like, geneological road trees. Even roads in other states! (Hmmm ... this joke isn't working too good, but I'm too lazy to start from scratch.)
You might want to cut back on the caffeine.
Gregory - What, am I supposed to take your word for it? Show me! (See what I did there? Because of the...nevermind, I think I know how Dan feels now.)
Robin - Fine advice from someone who licks herself clean.
Them Mormons like ties and short hair cuts, too. They are so neat.
" So it's like a Special Olympics basketball camp? "
I'll trade you. Ours are more like an episode of that tv show COPS...including the appearance of at least one guy without a shirt trying to explain to the police that he can't be inebriated, because he's only been drinking beer.
The road thing floors me. I don't get it.
Your kids should be writing their own blog! They rock.
My older set of kids are in Northern Washington and I drive through Oregon and Washington a lot and my route takes me through both those states capitals. I kid you not, There is road construction in those capitals every time I go through. It's like the budget stays right in those towns and the outlyers get whatever scraps are left over. We have our share of car swallowing potholes out here.
goldennib - I think they also live longer than normal people, probably because of their dietary restrictions. Imagine how long they'd live if they'd cut out non-dairy creamer.
drive-by - I have always said that they should just make it illegal to walk around outside with no shirt on, because those guys are ALWAYS up to no good.
cindra - I'm sure they will soon enough, if only as a kind of therapy for having me as a father. And yes, they do rock.
tom - I drive on a highway that's needed to be widened for about 5 years now. They just did some work on it -- to add an exit for a new housing development. Nice houses, if you can get there.
I grew up in CA, learned to drive on the freeways, even drove from the Richmond to the Financial District in San Francisco to work every day. I thought nothing could faze me. Then, we drove from Vegas to Balboa one Sunday morning in July in 2002. I was convinced we were going to die. Not only was there construction all around us almost the entire way, everyone drove 120 MPH, including the semis, and did so while riding your bumper and/or cutting in and out of the lane in front of you. It scared the $hit out of me. Everyone was in this frackin' huge hurry to get back to LA after spending all their dough in Vega$ I guess. Never again. But you think the roads in CA are bad? Try North Idaho. We have car swallowing potholes almost all summer. All construction is squeezed into a two month window in July and August (after the end of mud season and before the start of winter). It's so sad.
Nice blog. :) I got here via Dan.
Utah roads rock. I can read magazines while driving at 60. Awesome.
-wolfe
Gina - Yeah, I grew up in Michigan, which also has crappy roads. And then there's the salt, which can eat through your sheet metal in about 20 minutes. What kills me about California is that there's no excuse for the bad roads. It's not like
they can blame it on the weather or the low taxes or anything.
Thanks for stopping by.
Wolfe - I've got a magazine I'll be unloading in your general direction. Actually, I've found that Utah is a good place to make up some time and get some shut-eye.