I'm a superhero freak. Er, I mean I love superheroes, not that I'm superhumanly freakish. I am, but that's a topic for another post.
The whole avenging crusader bit? Sign me up. The mild mannered paper shuffler turned nocturnal ass-kicker bit? Oh yeah. The normal-guy-gets-bitten-by-a-radioactive- mongoose-and-acquires-superhuman-mongoose-related-abilities bit? Oh hell yes. I eat it up, all of it.
One thing I don't understand though is why there is such a limited variety of superhuman abilities. Sure, there are different configurations, but it's like these superheroes are all ordering from the same menu: "I'll take flight, superhuman strength, and a side of adamantium claws." The only difference between the Hulk and the Thing is a quarter turn on the color wheel. And the only difference between Spider-man and Daredevil is that Spiderman can tell which one is the Thing without feeling him up.
Take the show Heroes, for example. There's a guy who can fly, a guy who can see the future, a chick who's indestructible, etc. Ho-hum. I'd like to see some more practical abilities. Like how about a guy who can tell exactly what ingredients are in any food that he eats. How amazing would that be? "Sorry, Colonel, but your obfuscation is no match for SuperTaster. I will now reveal to the world all eleven herbs and spices!" Or how about a guy who can fall asleep at will during lousy romantic comedies and then wake up precisely when the ending credits start. Think of the pleasant dreams you could have substituted for Failure to Launch. "How did you like the movie, sweetie?" "Oh, it was fantastic! I especially liked the part where robots ate Margaret Thatcher's face."
My wife is a good example of someone with underrated superhuman abilities. One of her powers is the ability to fit an infinite number of dishes into a dishwasher. Have you ever had too many dishes to fit into your dishwasher? Well bring 'em to my house, because I guarantee my wife can find room for them somewhere between the potato peeler and the ice cream scoop. I don't know how she does it; I think maybe a wormhole is involved.
Another of her abilities is knowing exactly what I'm going to say ten minutes from now. Apropos of nothing she'll say, "Ok, go ahead and say it." And I'll sit there dimly wondering what she's talking about for ten minutes and then I'll say something that I think is really clever, and she'll say, "Geez, it took you long enough."
Her greatest power, however, is the ability to know where everything in our house is, no matter how insignificant it is or how long it's been since she's seen it. "Honey," I'll say, "Have you seen that gummy bear that I had stuck to my face last Christmas?" And she'll say, "It's on the second shelf in the pantry, behind the Ritz crackers."
Now that's a freak.
The whole avenging crusader bit? Sign me up. The mild mannered paper shuffler turned nocturnal ass-kicker bit? Oh yeah. The normal-guy-gets-bitten-by-a-radioactive- mongoose-and-acquires-superhuman-mongoose-related-abilities bit? Oh hell yes. I eat it up, all of it.
One thing I don't understand though is why there is such a limited variety of superhuman abilities. Sure, there are different configurations, but it's like these superheroes are all ordering from the same menu: "I'll take flight, superhuman strength, and a side of adamantium claws." The only difference between the Hulk and the Thing is a quarter turn on the color wheel. And the only difference between Spider-man and Daredevil is that Spiderman can tell which one is the Thing without feeling him up.Take the show Heroes, for example. There's a guy who can fly, a guy who can see the future, a chick who's indestructible, etc. Ho-hum. I'd like to see some more practical abilities. Like how about a guy who can tell exactly what ingredients are in any food that he eats. How amazing would that be? "Sorry, Colonel, but your obfuscation is no match for SuperTaster. I will now reveal to the world all eleven herbs and spices!" Or how about a guy who can fall asleep at will during lousy romantic comedies and then wake up precisely when the ending credits start. Think of the pleasant dreams you could have substituted for Failure to Launch. "How did you like the movie, sweetie?" "Oh, it was fantastic! I especially liked the part where robots ate Margaret Thatcher's face."
My wife is a good example of someone with underrated superhuman abilities. One of her powers is the ability to fit an infinite number of dishes into a dishwasher. Have you ever had too many dishes to fit into your dishwasher? Well bring 'em to my house, because I guarantee my wife can find room for them somewhere between the potato peeler and the ice cream scoop. I don't know how she does it; I think maybe a wormhole is involved.
Another of her abilities is knowing exactly what I'm going to say ten minutes from now. Apropos of nothing she'll say, "Ok, go ahead and say it." And I'll sit there dimly wondering what she's talking about for ten minutes and then I'll say something that I think is really clever, and she'll say, "Geez, it took you long enough."
Her greatest power, however, is the ability to know where everything in our house is, no matter how insignificant it is or how long it's been since she's seen it. "Honey," I'll say, "Have you seen that gummy bear that I had stuck to my face last Christmas?" And she'll say, "It's on the second shelf in the pantry, behind the Ritz crackers."
Now that's a freak.
Labels: Superheroes, TV
| posted by Diesel at Sunday, November 12, 2006 |
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Diesel, you men will never possess the source of our superhuman powers: a uterus, aka tracking device.
Funny thing about the uterus: Hippocrates thought hysteria was caused by a wandering uterus. Hence the linguistic commonality in the words "hysteria" and "hysterectomy."
Glacial Spain, thank you for that informative, if troubling, piece of information.
Diesel, I wish you were closer and were an artist. I want to write a comic book. I think I have some pretty interesting superhero ideas.
My wife is superhuman too (I think all wives are). She has the uncanny ablity to tolerate nearly fatal levels of daytime television, and on numerous channels no less. I don't know if she was born with it, or if the ring I put on her finger was like some sort of alien artifact. If so, why did I get the short end of the stick?
Diesel, as Cindra pointed out, only a woman can have certain super powers. That's what makes a woman a Super Freak.
Glacial Spain, what exactly is a wandering uterus? Is it one that goes from bee to bee? (This is a family rated blog.)The idea of a wandering uterus makes me hysterical.
I would like the kind of super power that could get my husband to turn his dirty socks right side out before putting them over the edge of the hamper.
Hmmm..
I think a better comparison with Daredevil is Batman, not Spiderman. There is enough difference between Spidey and Daredevil to tell them apart (the webbing, the wall climbing, Aunt May, etc).
Daredevil and Batman, on the other hand, have only the disability (Daredevil) and the wealth (Batman) different. Oh, and the fact that Batman has a brightly colored youth as a meat shield...er...sidekick.
We women refer to those abilities as being 'average'.
Cindra - Regular visitors to the Snark will know why God wisely chose not to trust me with a uterus.
Glacial Spain - Are you sure you're not thinking of a wandering Jew?
Gregory - I am closer, and I am an artist. Actually, I can draw a pretty mean Spider-Man, believe it or not. I would have uploaded one of my drawings instead of putting my head on Chris Reeve if I could have found one of them. I spent most of my grade school through college years drawing superheroes. Glacial Spain (a decent artist himself) can attest to this.
Goldennib - Every super-heroine needs a nemesis.
Joel - I am actually going to do a post pretty soon on Batman and Robin. I've moved from a bad driving theme to a superhero theme.
Robin - You're a woman? Well, that would explain why you and Batman are so close. I always wondered about the name.
goldennib:
Family friendly? Did I say a wandering uterus? I meant a wandering minstrel - whose appearances seemed to coincide with the phases of the moon, and whose presence would give women the strength to stand up for what they believe. ;)
BTW, In case you haven't figured this out, I've known Glacial Spain since about 2nd grade (We just called him Spain back then, because the Glacial period hadn't started). He has a pretty amusing blog called Sermon Notes which looks very much like most of my lecture notes through high school and college.
caktau: A greenish-yellow bird, native to the American southwest and Mexico, which is covered by a defensive array of sharp spines.
My superpower is being able to see through glass.
It's not as useful as you would think.
Diesel: Good point. But does it have to be soooo evil?
GS (can I call you GS?) I guess I'll have to come take a look at your site since Diesel is hinting.
Does anyone know if I can get paid for reading blogs?
My regular work time is really cutting into all of this humor.
Mr. Fab: I've heard you've got better super powers than that. Your cookie eating abilities are awesome.
Or how about a guy who can fall asleep at will during lousy romantic comedies and then wake up precisely when the ending credits start.
That's me! You are describing ME! How did you know!? Damn, you're good.
By the way, you call your wife "Honey"? Me too! I call your wife "Honey" too! (Just teasing.)
Perhaps I'll start calling my wife Molasses. After all, isn't that sweet ... like honey and sugar?
"Hi Molasses, how was your day today?"
goldennib - It does seem unfair, when Superman only had to contend with Lex Luthor.
Fab - I've always wondered what was on the other side of glass. I envy you.
I just now found out about GS's blog, so you can tell that he and I are very close. I did laugh hysterically (despite my lack of uterus) when I saw it though, because GS's note-taking superpower apparently has not diminished since middle school.
GS'ssssssssss note taking is like mind mapping.
My superhero ability is reading upside down and/or backwards. It came in really handy when I worked in an elementary school. Not so helpful when I was learning to read (my parents thought I was 'slow'.)
I'm no relation to the other Robin, sorry. But Batman is my favorite 'superhero'.
ftvvp: the flatulent sounding mating call of the caktau.
Sorry Diesel, I had nothing to add to the superhero discussion and I just couldn't resist.
My superpower is the ability to sleep through nuclear explosions and attendant shockwaves.
Not necessarily survive them, mind you, just sleep through them.
@Diesel Did a self-proclaimed geek such as yourself ever play City of Heroes? I avoided all super-hero games... until that one. I wasn't addicted but it was fun.
Especially sitting in the character creator and seeing how short you could make the mini-skirts on female Heroes.
(Did I say that out loud?)
At least my girlfriend was with me at the time. Mind you, she seemed to enjoy it more than I did. Maybe I should have her take your gay test.
-wolfe
Drive-by - np, you and your flatulence are always welcome.
Wolfe - Funny you should ask. I rarely play computer games of any kind, but I bought CoH for me and my wife for last Christmas. We played for a few weeks as December Cayne (natural blaster) and Artemis Cayne (magic scrapper).
I'll post a couple of my drawings some time.
I just noticed that Janet Reno was blowing me a kiss in your previous post. I'm scared. Gotta go.
Yes, woman have super powers, but let's face it, if we didnt what woulld you guys do? citymouse
Goldennib - LOL! Janet wuvs you sooooo much!
Citymouse - I get it, "anony-mous." Very clever.
What? Was I using my super-human invisibility when I left that last comment? Didn't see me in here dude?
Or are you just ignoring me? You will pay dearly.
Dan - I was using my power of lack of attention to detail. Sorry. And just when I was trying to get you to tell me how you got all those hot chicks over at your place....