If I weren't retired, I'd be on my way to work at Galactic Invertebrates* right now rather than sitting at home watching my kids watch Dora the Explorer. I love the part where you have to say "Swiper no swiping!" to keep Swiper from swiping. Then when Dora says, "Gracias!", I say"De Nada, baby. I got your back!" Man, if I was 30 years younger....
Anyway, it occurred to me that today would be a good day to post an IM conversation I had a few weeks back with a fellow ex-Galactic Invertebrates employee. You know her as "Not Karen," a pseudonym that cleverly hints that her real name could be virtually anything. We were chatting on a day that I took off from work to sign papers for refinancing my property, and we came up with the idea of listing all the horrible things we'd rather do than work at Galactic Invertebrates. The list was pretty funny, but I think the conversation about the list was even better.
not karen: any new news?
diesel: nope
diesel: signing papers at 4:30
diesel: took a PTO today
not karen: sa-weeeeet.
diesel: you want to know how sick of that place I am?
diesel: I've spent most of the day shoveling dirt in the rain, and all I can think of is how happy I am that I don't have to see Human Inertia** today
not karen: dang
diesel: I'm actually happy to be out in the cold, working in the mud
not karen: wonder if that comes before or after "I'd rather chew broken glass."
not karen: "would rather shovel dirt in the rain."
not karen: Top 10 list of things that suck, but suck less than working at Galactic Invertebrates...
diesel: exactly
not karen: Shoveling mud/dirt in the rain
diesel: Having your face swell up to twice its size because of a scorpion sting
not karen: lol
not karen: Do your taxes
not karen: in Spanish
diesel: lol
diesel: I like that one
not karen: thanks!
diesel: it should be German though
not karen: even better.
diesel: taking a transatlantic flight seated between Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love
not karen: oh [expletive]
not karen: that's HORRIBLE
diesel: :)
diesel: thanks
not karen: moonlighting as a bunny in an animal test lab
diesel: nice
not karen: doing the Macarena
diesel: lol
diesel: French kissing Janet Reno
not karen: (puke)
diesel: :D
not karen: Dry heaving
diesel: sorry, that one may actually be worse
not karen: that shit's painful
not karen: i think we have a good list going. how many is that?
diesel: 100?
diesel: Gotta be close to 100
not karen: i'm retyping into Word. This is a good exercise.
diesel: how about playing rock-paper-scissors for real, and being paper
diesel: paper covers rock...rock breaks knuckles
not karen: i know you're not used to hearing constructive criticism from all your worshipping readers,
not karen: but that's not funny
diesel: ;(
diesel: it will hit you in about 3 hours
diesel: you'll just bust up for no reason
diesel: and you'll be like, "Dammit, Kroese!"
not karen: LOL shut up
not karen: and i KNOW you didn't bust out the Crocodile Tear smiley
diesel: how about having to write a master's thesis on the use of double entendres in Who's The Boss?
diesel: too subtle?
not karen: good in theory, but not very punchy
diesel: lol
diesel: ok
not karen: Watching back-to-back episodes of Who's the Boss would be pretty horrible in and of itself
not karen: and would qualify in my book
diesel: yeah, but not quite bad enough
not karen: Hmmmm.
not karen: gimme another show
diesel: how about having to watch every episode of Who's the Boss with a retarded kid who pauses the show every time he doesn't get a joke and makes you explain it to him.
diesel: I'm getting a little abstract now
diesel: still, you have to admit that would be pretty bad
not karen: oooh!
not karen: i know
not karen: Waiting for Godot
diesel: lol
not karen: again, to simplify
diesel: not watching Waiting for Godot, you mean actually waiting for Godot
not karen: i think hanging out with a retarded kid would be a bad time by itself
not karen: right.
not karen: it works on a number of levels
diesel: it's the combination of retarded kid and Who's the Boss that makes it work
diesel: or not
not karen: please hold
diesel: W
not karen: DUDE, i was simply typing them up
diesel: ok
not karen: you're pretty fussy now that you're a man of leisure.
diesel: I've always been fussy
diesel: leisure just hasn't helped
not karen: Diving for dead bodies after a plane crash.
diesel: uhhh
diesel: how about wool underwear?
not karen: i still need a show for "watching back-to-back episodes of ..."
not karen: yes. good
diesel: or better yet, steel wool underwear
diesel: 7th Heaven?
not karen: PERFECT!
diesel: how many do we have now?
diesel: and when can we stop?
not karen: We have 10
diesel: are they all good?
not karen: i'll send them to your supersecret e-mail address
not karen: i think so
diesel: ok
diesel: cool, I'll post them to my blog when I get braver
not karen: i took some editorial license in weeding out your rock, paper, sissors and retard Who's the Boss ideas
diesel: man, that Who's the Boss one was genius
diesel: you have to picture yourself sitting on the couch next to the retarded kid who won't press Play until he understands why Tony and Angela aren't married
not karen: you're letting the blog feedback go to your head
not karen: takes too much "thinking".
diesel: lol
not karen: Dave would never approve.
diesel: you're never going to convince me that's not funny
not karen: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go learn myself how to layout a newsletter in Publisher.
diesel: it's high-brow humor
diesel: not your sort of thing
not karen: LOL.
not karen: asshole.
*I have changed the name of the company to cover my ass.
**Surprisingly, also not his/her real name.
Anyway, it occurred to me that today would be a good day to post an IM conversation I had a few weeks back with a fellow ex-Galactic Invertebrates employee. You know her as "Not Karen," a pseudonym that cleverly hints that her real name could be virtually anything. We were chatting on a day that I took off from work to sign papers for refinancing my property, and we came up with the idea of listing all the horrible things we'd rather do than work at Galactic Invertebrates. The list was pretty funny, but I think the conversation about the list was even better.
not karen: any new news?
diesel: nope
diesel: signing papers at 4:30
diesel: took a PTO today
not karen: sa-weeeeet.
diesel: you want to know how sick of that place I am?
diesel: I've spent most of the day shoveling dirt in the rain, and all I can think of is how happy I am that I don't have to see Human Inertia** today
not karen: dang
diesel: I'm actually happy to be out in the cold, working in the mud
not karen: wonder if that comes before or after "I'd rather chew broken glass."
not karen: "would rather shovel dirt in the rain."
not karen: Top 10 list of things that suck, but suck less than working at Galactic Invertebrates...
diesel: exactly
not karen: Shoveling mud/dirt in the rain
diesel: Having your face swell up to twice its size because of a scorpion sting
not karen: lol
not karen: Do your taxes
not karen: in Spanish
diesel: lol
diesel: I like that one
not karen: thanks!
diesel: it should be German though
not karen: even better.
diesel: taking a transatlantic flight seated between Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love
not karen: oh [expletive]
not karen: that's HORRIBLE
diesel: :)
diesel: thanks
not karen: moonlighting as a bunny in an animal test lab
diesel: nice
not karen: doing the Macarena
diesel: lol
diesel: French kissing Janet Reno
not karen: (puke)
diesel: :D
not karen: Dry heaving
diesel: sorry, that one may actually be worse
not karen: that shit's painful
not karen: i think we have a good list going. how many is that?
diesel: 100?
diesel: Gotta be close to 100
not karen: i'm retyping into Word. This is a good exercise.
diesel: how about playing rock-paper-scissors for real, and being paper
diesel: paper covers rock...rock breaks knuckles
not karen: i know you're not used to hearing constructive criticism from all your worshipping readers,
not karen: but that's not funny
diesel: ;(
diesel: it will hit you in about 3 hours
diesel: you'll just bust up for no reason
diesel: and you'll be like, "Dammit, Kroese!"
not karen: LOL shut up
not karen: and i KNOW you didn't bust out the Crocodile Tear smiley
diesel: how about having to write a master's thesis on the use of double entendres in Who's The Boss?
diesel: too subtle?
not karen: good in theory, but not very punchy
diesel: lol
diesel: ok
not karen: Watching back-to-back episodes of Who's the Boss would be pretty horrible in and of itself
not karen: and would qualify in my book
diesel: yeah, but not quite bad enough
not karen: Hmmmm.
not karen: gimme another show
diesel: how about having to watch every episode of Who's the Boss with a retarded kid who pauses the show every time he doesn't get a joke and makes you explain it to him.
diesel: I'm getting a little abstract now
diesel: still, you have to admit that would be pretty bad
not karen: oooh!
not karen: i know
not karen: Waiting for Godot
diesel: lol
not karen: again, to simplify
diesel: not watching Waiting for Godot, you mean actually waiting for Godot
not karen: i think hanging out with a retarded kid would be a bad time by itself
not karen: right.
not karen: it works on a number of levels
diesel: it's the combination of retarded kid and Who's the Boss that makes it work
diesel: or not
not karen: please hold
diesel: W
not karen: DUDE, i was simply typing them up
diesel: ok
not karen: you're pretty fussy now that you're a man of leisure.
diesel: I've always been fussy
diesel: leisure just hasn't helped
not karen: Diving for dead bodies after a plane crash.
diesel: uhhh
diesel: how about wool underwear?
not karen: i still need a show for "watching back-to-back episodes of ..."
not karen: yes. good
diesel: or better yet, steel wool underwear
diesel: 7th Heaven?
not karen: PERFECT!
diesel: how many do we have now?
diesel: and when can we stop?
not karen: We have 10
diesel: are they all good?
not karen: i'll send them to your supersecret e-mail address
not karen: i think so
diesel: ok
diesel: cool, I'll post them to my blog when I get braver
not karen: i took some editorial license in weeding out your rock, paper, sissors and retard Who's the Boss ideas
diesel: man, that Who's the Boss one was genius
diesel: you have to picture yourself sitting on the couch next to the retarded kid who won't press Play until he understands why Tony and Angela aren't married
not karen: you're letting the blog feedback go to your head
not karen: takes too much "thinking".
diesel: lol
not karen: Dave would never approve.
diesel: you're never going to convince me that's not funny
not karen: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go learn myself how to layout a newsletter in Publisher.
diesel: it's high-brow humor
diesel: not your sort of thing
not karen: LOL.
not karen: asshole.
*I have changed the name of the company to cover my ass.
**Surprisingly, also not his/her real name.
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Hey, you got a thing for dora???
Sheesh! You're like "the old man in that famous book by Nabakov."
I don't care who "not Karen" is, that's funny!
Doing your taxes in latin would probably be even worse. I wonder what the IRS would do if you called them up and said you only spoke latin, or wrote them a nice long polite letter in latin explaining that you needed the latin 1040.
Doing all the arithmetic in roman numerals might be a challenge as well ... does that numbering system even support decimals? If I spoke latin, these are the questions I'd pose to the IRS.
Maybe for the Who's the Boss one, you should give the remote to Jessica Simpson.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm a housewife.
And ... you have been tagged.
Anita...
Doing the taxes in the Ancient Babylonian system (Base 60) would be even worse.
But still not worse than working at Galactic Invertebrates, apparently.
I can't even imagine a job worse than steel wool underwear. Horrifying! Very funny Diesel.
explaining that you needed the latin 1040.
Ah, the good old MXV. Which is fewer characters than 1040. Interesting.
I really like the idea of having your friends come up with at least half your material by posting conversations with them. Of course, some of them might stop being your friends, but that's a small price to play for blog material.
-wolfe
Why would a scorpion sting someone in the face. Do people try to kiss them?
Don't try to kiss scorpions.
Pavel - What, she's cute. It's Boots you should be worried about.
Anita - All good questions. I still think German would be worse. Try fitting some of those words in the boxes they give you.
Goldennib - I forgive Jessica Simpson for being retarded.
Poppy - Ah, so I have. It's my first time, so be gentle.
Joel - It was bad enough just learning how to tell time.
Kat - The difference between steel wool underwear and my former job is that with the underwear, the pain in your ass goes away when you stand up.
Wolfe - Don't worry, I ran it past Not Karen first. As you can tell by the way she talks to me, she knows me quite well.
Fab - Apparently you've never really wanted to get out of work.
Oh, great stuff! Love conversations like this.
Kat - The difference between steel wool underwear and my former job is that with the underwear, the pain in your ass goes away when you stand up. Oh, LMAO - priceless!
Had a few jobs like this, congrats on freedom! Enjoy your kids, and Dora! D :)
I hate that damn Swiper.
Felinefrisky - Thanks! I will. They're actually getting a little old for Dora, but she'll always have a special place in my heart.
Spookyrach - You and me both. Why can't we all just get along?
"Swiper, no swiping!" Too funny! I can actually hear it in my head. Why? I wonder.
I also very much want to do my taxes in roman numerals now, just to piss of the IRS. Thanks, Anita!
And, yes, I agree with Not Karen. Not funny. Sorry. I must be too low-brow. :o)
And finally, why *can't* we all just get along? I don't understand it. I probably never will. Egos I guess. That's my best guess. Egos.
I'd forgotten all about that conversation. Good times ... good times ...
Angela, I'm sorry, but that's freakin' funny. Every time I picture myself on the couch with the retarded kid saying, "But why aren't they married?" I bust up.
Not Karen - Yeah, that was before I was too good to talk to you.
I worked with a guy who once leaned over the cubicle wall and told me:
"Ya know, Al, working at this nightmare of a job is like sucking on a bazooka."
I squinted. He continued:
"That awful taste is the least of my worries."