So I suppose you all know by now that the recent tumult on this site was an elaborate ruse to prepare for the launch of a new design. This isn't to say that there aren't nefarious elements within the Mattress Police plotting my demise. The warring clans are, unfortunately, all too real. It was necessary to allow Troy and his compatriots to become overconfident so that they would overplay their hand. Once Troy had asserted control, I was able to covertly incite his enemies to execute a coup. Having overthrown Troy, this faction immediately devolved into squabbling about who would be the new Chief Inspector, whether they would get to wear a crown, how long the sceptre should be, and whether dental and vision would be included. Reasserting my supremacy as Chief Inspector and rolling out the new design (which has been languishing in the Design Committee for years) was a simple matter under such circumstances.
Things did get a little dicey for a while there. When Troy took over I was exiled to a cattle barge that had been transported by a World War I era Belgian dirigible to the roof of a Super Wal-Mart just outside Kalamazoo, Michigan, under constant guard by albino wolverines (the Mattress Police are nothing if not predictable).
I had prepared for the wolverines by painting my entire body with a cocktail of tabasco, poison sumac oil and wheat germ, completely forgetting in my haste about my dermatological gluten intolerance. Fortunately, my skin swelled to such an extent that I resembled an overripe tomato -- and I don't have to tell you how albino wolverines feel about overripe tomatoes. Having made my way past the sentries, escape was only a matter of crocheting a rope ladder out of dental floss, clambering down to the parking lot, rendering a few cart-collecting septuagenarians unconscious, and purchasing a 24-pack of paper towels. The last was not strictly part of my plan, but they were on sale, so what the heck, you know? They call that a "loss leader," but if you can get in and out and just buy that one item, you're totally sticking it to those rich Arkansas bastards. Oh, I also bought an end table and a copy of WarCraft.
After making a few anoymous phone calls provoking the anti-Troy faction to revolt, I took a leisurely greyhound trip back to Mattress Police HQ, stopping only occasionally to allow the dogs to hunt wild game. Once on the Mattress Police campus, I walked right through Bill Gates, made my way down Diane Lane, strolled past Monty Hall, and entered Gregory House. After making some loud noises with my boom-stick to let everybody know what was what, I grabbed the reigns of the Mattress Police site and am now sitting in the metaphorical cockpit, holding those very literal reigns.
You've probably noticed some changes on the site. I'd like to explain them, but I haven't eaten anything but tabasco, wheat germ and my own musk for three days, so let me get back to you.
| posted by Diesel at Wednesday, December 20, 2006 |
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Leave a comment! |
I like the new look :)
I can't be bothered to read this now, but I LOVE the new design.
Hmmm. Having read it, I can't be bothered to look at the new design ;) (which isn't quite rendering properly in ie7, if anybody cares)
CJ - Thanks!
Not Karen - I know how important you are. Thanks for taking the time to notice the design at least.
Kip - Yeah, still having some problems in IE. Should have it worked out in the next hour or so....
Glad to have you back. No more kitties! Did you shower yet?
I guess I was the only one who thought you were gone for real. I know i'm gullible, but please don't try to sell me a bridge.
I like the new look. I see myself in your blogroll. Thanks.
Very nice new digs.
Keep it up. You are making me look normal. I totally dig that.
Nice new look, Deisel.
Have you started reading 'The Eyre Affair' yet? Now I'm REALLY sure you're going to enjoy it...
The new design looks outstanding.
Well done!
I want you to know I had your back all along, boss.
I like the new pad.
Very nice new digs, but you scared the shit outta me. Just tell me Troy's dead and all is forgiven. I wanna see the body.
Are those the quarters that bounced off the mattress?
Aha! Now I know what I'll call you. Super Duper Diesel.
And you know, Super Duper Diesl, while the new layout may be really cool and commendable, I have to know, what of my recent hard-earned promotion? *sniff*
Cool new look, I'll miss the kitties though. Troy didn't seem to get my humor (but then, maybe nobody else does either), so I'm not terribly sad to see him sidelined for the moment.
Cindra - I feel about showers the way you feel about kitties.
Goldennib - Don't feel bad. "Not Karen" actually called me to ask why I had given my blog over to some idiot.
Mr. Fab - Thanks! That's what your therapist pays me for.
Robin - I haven't, but I think I just ordered it from Amazon. I've got a few reading log posts to catch up on now that I'm back. ;)
Jess - Glad you like it, because you seem to know something about good design, judging from your site....
Joel . - Thanks, man. I'm doubling your salary.
Al - Unfortunately, he's not dead. He remains at large, ever threatening to retake the reigns should my readers get too uppitty for me.
Joe - They bounced off Google image search. As did the mattress.
Sar - Sorry about that, some records were lost in the confusion. I'll have an update on what happened soon.
Anita - Troy really only likes Hagar the Horrible.
Hi, ho, the witch is dead.
Or...warlock is, er, missing, so to speak.
Good to have you back and looking better than ever.
looked, nodded approvingly... read, laughed out loud (while continuing to nod approvingly)... glanced from side-to-side for fear someone would jump out of the blog and yell 'YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D!' in my ear (still nodding, but less with approval and more as a means for bracing myself for the aforemention punked-yell-in-my-ear). smiled in relief when that didn't happen, because i would have been very annoyed with the Punk yelling Punk'd...
still here, still happy, back to nodding in relief that some semblance of order has been restored to the Blogosphere (all the while tucking away that handy tid-bit about the aversion albino wolverines have for tomatoes -- which may come in handy down the road)
now i'm exhausted... is there anything else i need to know, or can i go back to my own blog so i can take a nap? xox
You're my hero.
I don't usually drop an OMG, but OH MY GOD, I'm glad you're back. I was having this total emotional meltdown over the whole thing and starting to question my own life in lieu of the recent goings on at the mattress police. Not that Troy and his misspellings didn't completely amuse me because I would never want anyone to feel badly about sending an English teacher's blood pressure through the roof, but still!!!!!!!
Now that order has been restored (as Neva so appropriately stated), I can go back about my business. Geeze. I got way too worked up over that, I'll tell you that for nothing.
As Kermit's nephew once said, "Please don't leave me. I have abandonment issues!" ;o)
What the hell is going on here? I'm away for one week and now I'm not even sure I'm in the right building. Is Diesel home? Who's that unshaven dude in the upper right? He scares me!
Where's my Advil?
Oh hell ... just pass me some of that Tabasco sauce you huggable lunk.
You say you covered your ENTIRE body with Tabasco? Ouch!
Dude - that coup was a stroke of genius! And the template ain't bad either. Kudos to you. Now thanks for making me feel like even more of a slacker.
By the way, I was so worried sick over your last post, I didn't even comment. Actually, I read your post then something pressing occurred and I just re-enterd the Blogosphere to check now. Pfew is all I can say.
So, you're sayin' Troy could come back at any time?
You mean to tell me there's a neurosurgeon in Sacramento whose invented a reversible lobotomy?
I thought wolverines liked tabasco?
Gregory - Thanks! It's good to be back.
Neva - Enjoy your nap. I'll have another update tomorrow.
Spookyrach - And you are my heroin.
Angela - I'll bet you're particularly relieve Troy is gone. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Not unless the men with nets catch me.
Dan - Imagine what he looks like when he hasn't shaved for 3 weeks. Wait, let me send you a picture!
G - It was really the wheat germ that bothered me the most. It's good to be back to soy sauce and bacon grease, I'll tell you that much.
Al - I think he's going to be gone for a while. He said something about taking a trip to the "big apple" or some nonsense.
Logophile - Not albino wolverines. They hate it almost as much as they hate covers of Beatles songs.
Trip to the Big Apple, huh? Ha! He won't survive five minutes.
I hope you enjoyed you trip to this lovely state. (in spite of the albino wolverines)
I am very impressed at your prowess with a chochet hook.
Now for the important Q. How long is the scepter, and does it take batteries?
Oh, and welcome back! I love the new look!
Glad to see the new design. Dental floss does have excellent tensile strength.
Al - Nor would I, I'm sure.
Candace - It was lovely, as Michigan always is in the middle of December. And thanks!
Wolfe - Was there something wrong with the old design?! I mean, besides kind of sucking?
Well struck, my man! Jolly good! If I were a 'real' British man I'd probably say Pip Pip too! But Pish Posh I'm not so I'll just say it looks pretty f***ing good!
Alastair - Thanks! Cheerio!
Excellent redesign. Solid!
MC - Thanks!