Because One Blog Isn't Big Enough to Contain My Head

Now that I've rested a bit from my ordeal and sated myself with rice krispy treats and Dr. Pepper, I can spare a few moments to tell you about some of the changes that have recently occurred here.

First, I've created a new look for my blog. If you haven't noticed, get off your fricking Blackberry for crying out loud. Nobody thinks you're cool any more.

Second, my blog has fractured into two separate blogs:

• The Secret Files of the Mattress Police - My main blog. Pretty much what you're used to seeing here, although I probably won't be updating quite as often. I'm thinking Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
• Matress Police Dispatches - This is where I'm going to stick short stuff that is either going to make you laugh hysterically or make you wish you had that 12 seconds of your life back. I confess to blatantly ripping off my mentor and hero Mr. Fabulous' Pointless Drivel/Pointless Directives dichotomy.

Why am I doing this? Because when I post a long essay, I get the impression that half of my audience is thinking, "Holy crap, I didn't do this much reading all through high school." And when I post a short little item that I think is funny, I get the impression that half of my audience is either thinking, "I came here for witty commentary and I get a one-liner about Legos? WTF?" or, more succinctly, "That was stupid." So now each half of my audience has their own blog. And for those of you in the intersection of the Venn diagram, feel free to read both.

I'm also adding another blog, for serious stuff and essays. Probably nothing you'd be interested in. But I do have the occasionaly non-humorous idea (I mean intentionally non-humorous, smartass), and if I don't write them down, who is going to do it? You? I don't think so. Anyway, my serious blog is called Deep Cover.

Oh, you can also keep tabs on my lame contest at Central Booking. Get it? Because... nevermind. Anyway, I've just posted my thoughts on the latest book I've read, so check it out.

Don't worry, I won't be offended if you just stick with my main blog. I just have all this other crap I have to get out of my system somehow.

Third, during the recent string of coups, all of the Mattress Police's personnel records were burned in a fire, then soaked by firehoses, then blown across a field of poppies by gusting winds, collected by dwarves, buried deep in an abandoned mine shaft, dug up, and burned again. The ashes were then placed in small vials which were tied to the feet of pigeons which were released from a hot air ballon over the Atlantic, tracked by satellite, shot down, thrown into a pile, and burned once again. Needless to say, it has been difficult to reconstruct our blogroll under such circumstances. I have decided to implement a more egalitarian system, in which all blogs are listed in order alphabetically, by the name of the animal that your blog reminds me of. So, for example, Wolfe's Musings reminds me of a camel, so he is near the top. If your blog seems to be missing, please let me know.