A Crude Proposal

I know that y'all come here looking for a few cheap laughs, but today I have important work to do. This, being the last day of twenty-diggety-six, is the day that the world turns its lonely eyes to me to solve one of the big outstanding problems of 2006. Yes, every year on this date I write down the ten biggest unresolved problems of the outgoing year on small pieces of paper and throw them in a hat. Then I put the hat on my head and dance around the house in my bathrobe to the strains of Journey's Separate Ways until all of the scraps fall out except for one. The last remaining problem is the one that I will solve, for the benefit of mankind. This year's big problems include global warming, the cancellation of Arrested Development, and that popping sound that my sternum is making these days when I move too suddenly. Most of the rest of the problems are related to some trouble spot in the world, such as Darfur, Afghanistan, or I-580 between Pleasanton and Livermore.

Having written down the world's biggest problems and placed them in a velvet fedora, I shall now proceed to dance gaily about my furniture and pets.

Whew! Ok, now that I have recovered from my cardiovascular workout and the realization that I will never be as cool as Steve Perry even if I get a sleeveless black t-shirt with a pink checkerboard design and have my testicles surgically removed, I will now reveal The Unresolved Problem of 2006 to be solved by me.

And the winner is:

Iraq!

Wow, I was kind of hoping for that sternum thing, but rules are rules. Ok, so here's the deal:

Liberals are mad because they don't like the idea of a "war for oil." Liberals don't feel like they should have to fight for their oil, because they drive hybrid cars, which means that at worst they should have to play a rough game of ultimate frisbee for oil, or maybe split the difference between making love and making war by having angry sex on the veranda for oil. Keep in mind they don't have a problem with wars per se; they would just rather talk about them over a nice latte at the U.N. rather than participate.

Conservatives are mad because they hate the idea of "nation building." They kind of like the "nation wrecking" bit, but "nation building" just blows. I mean, they hate it. They're all like, "Man, we hate nation building. It's just a bad idea all around. It never works out. I mean, hmm. Well, unless, maybe, just this once, we could.... I mean, it's not out of the realm of possibility that.... Oh. No. No, dammit! Oh man, now look what we've done. Geez. Man, I hate this nation building crap."

So here's what we do: Privatize the U.S. military. That's right, sell the whole thing off to the highest bidder.

"That's crazy!" you say. "What if some nutjob like Kim Jong Il or Tom Cruise buys it?"

"Nonsense," I say. The highest bidder is going to be (1) someone with more money than God; (2) someone who has a lot to gain by having a fleet of aircraft carriers and stealth bombers at their disposal; and (3) someone who has a lot to lose if the U.S. military falls into the hands of Kim Jong Il or Tom Cruise.

Hmmm. Who could that be...? Could it be... SATAN?!

No, it's not Satan. But you're in the right neighborhood. It's the oil companies. I mean, if you're going to turn the military over to an oil company exec, it might as well be a successful oil company exec, right? So we let the oil companies take over the U.S. military and wage war at their discretion in order to secure a free flow of oil. We let them install a benevolent dictatorship in Iraq, and then move on to Iran and Syria if those dudes start causing problems. Maybe take care of that jackass in Venezuela too. And if there are any other trouble spots in the world that threaten the flow of oil, they'll handle those as well. Peace in the Sudan? Start some rumors about Jed Clampett finding "black gold" in his backyard in Darfur and the problem will be solved by this time tomorrow.

"What about the soldiers?" You say. "They didn't sign up to work for the oil companies!" No, they didn't. Which is why they'd be free to seek gainful employment elsewhere. The only way for the oil companies to keep their current personnel would be to pay them enough to make it worth their while. And maybe get them some friggin' body armor.

"But who's going to defend the U.S. if the oil companies are out conquering new oil fields?" you ask. Well, since the U.S. is the number one consumer of oil, I'm thinking the oil companies are going to try pretty hard to keep our economy on track. Which would include preventing things that disrupt the flow of oil, like big explosions and buildings falling over.

And best of all, it doesn't cost the U.S. taxpayer anything. In fact, we make money on the deal. I'm thinking we could get a couple of trillion bucks for the whole shebang. Maybe do it over eBay, and throw in free shipping and the CIA on one of those "Buy it now!" deals.

Oh, sure, the oil guys would get out of hand once in a while and maybe overthrow a democratic regime that was trying to nationalize its oil industry, but I think it would all even out. And on the occasion where they really made a mess of things, we'd be free to throw up our hands in exasperation along with the rest of the world. "Those greedy oil companies and their secret prisons and torture chambers," we'd say. "Man, if we didn't spend all our money on ridiculous social programs we'd totally start our own military and show those oil companies what's what." And then we'd go back to sipping our lattes and filling up our blood-and-oil hybrids.

So there you go. You're welcome. Maybe next year I'll get to that popping sound in my chest.