6/30/06
Cam Cloudhammer, Director of Human Resources, Order of the Jedi
Dear Mr. Cloudhammer,
As a recent graduate of the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences, I was excited to hear about the opening with the Jedi Knights for an entry level Force Technician I. I have long dreamed of joining the Jedi Order and I think I will be a valuable asset to your organization.
As you can see from my enclosed resume, I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and I scored a 1242 on the Force Assessment Test. I did particularly well in Advanced Midi-Chlorianology and Pre-Imperial History. I believe I could have performed even better academically, but I worked my way through school recalibrating moisture vaporators. I think the combination of my rigorous coursework and practical experience will serve me well as a Force Technician I.
I'm available for an interview on short notice on most weekdays. I know my resume probably isn't the most impressive you will receive, but I think you'll find that I'm "good Jedi material" if you take the time to meet me in person. I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards,
Kenny Skywalker
P.S. I forgot to mention that I can type 40 words per minute and levitate small objects with my mind.
P.P.S. Not to name-drop, but in case you're wondering, Luke is my second cousin.
8/21/06
Heinous Vlaak, Personnel Director, Order of the Sith
Dear Mr. Vlaak,
I recently graduated from the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences and was interested to learn of the part time Tractor Field Operator position that was recently posted on the Sith website. I have long been intrigued by the shadowy workings of the Sith, and have recently begun to consider a career in the service of the Empire.
As my enclosed resume indicates, I am an above average student, but I think that the highly structured nature of the Tatooine Academy prevented me from reaching my true potential, as I am something of an "outside the box" thinker. It's true that my experience with the Dark Side is limited, but my current job at the Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina requires that I be very assertive with droids and others whose kind we don't serve. I am also led to believe that my destiny lies with the Dark Side by my co-workers' frequent reminders that I'm "really not a people person."
I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
In Your Service,
Kenneth Skywalker (No relation)
P.S. I once pantsed a Jawa, which is considered pretty evil around here. I am also good with Excel.
9/29/06
Boba Fett, Proprietor, Fett Investigations, Bounty Hunter and Polygraph Service
Dear Mr. Fett,
Boy, are you hard to track down! I got your contact information from a mutual acquaintance who indicated that you may have an opening for a henchmen/tough. I know that with my B.A. in Force Theory I may seem overqualified for this position, but I've decided that I'm more interested in a life of adventure than a stable job with a reputable organization at this point in my career. I've dealt with my share of rough characters at my current job at Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina and my neighborhood is pretty regularly terrorized by Tusken Raiders, so I don't think I'll have much trouble adjusting to the life of a bounty hunter. Please contact me as soon as is convenient for you, because I'm anxious to get started!
Sincerely,
Ken Skywalker
P.S. In case you're concerned about my academic background, I only attended the Tatooine Academy to get my parents off my back. Trust me when I say that I have learned that hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.
11/4/06
Jabba the Hutt, C.E.O., Hutt Enterprises, Inc.
Dear Mr. Hutt,
I recently learned of an opening with your crime syndicate here on Tatooine. I'm not sure what the job entails exactly, but I think I'm up for just about anything after working as the Assistant Manager of the Mos Eisley Cantina Spaceport. Since I was put in charge of marketing, we were named 2nd runner up for "Most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy" by the Imperial Travel Bureau. Although I've never killed anyone myself, I am often expected to clean up the charred corpses of bounty hunters and other scoundrels, and I think I'm becoming rather inured to the spectacle of mutilation and manslaughter.
I know I probably don't fit the typical profile of your applicants, but I think that if you give me a chance you won't be disappointed. All I'm asking for is a chance.
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Ken S.
P.S. I don't need health insurance and I don't mind sleeping on the floor or whatever.
12/27/06
Dear Uncle Skip,
Do you still own that Chili's in the Dagobah system?
Your loving nephew,
Kenny
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Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Movies, Pop Culture, Satire
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Fantastic.
I was shocked not to see the following:
Dear Mr. Lando Calrissian, Administrator, Cloud City (Bespin)
Dear Mr. Calrissian
(etc.)
Joel - I was SO close to including Lando. Ask Gregory -- I was researching Lando on Wikipedia last night. Cloud City seemed like a step up though, so I ended up taking it out.
Funny stuff, Deez.
That Kenny's a real spunky go-getter, huh? If he doesn't get his smart little ass frozen in a block of carbomite, let me know where he lands.
I am laughing so hard right now. I know Snay will appreciate this, so I'm sending him a link right now...hahaha!
This is awesome, thanks for writing it - and thanks for directing me to it, Jules! Ahahaha! (Wish I'd thought of it!)
"P.S. I forgot to mention that I can type 40 words per minute and levitate small objects with my mind." - LOVE IT. If Kenny was smart enough, he would have realized that he could probably type a lot faster by using his jedi powers. Although I guess jedis aren't known for their typing skills.
Al - I see him preparing bantha fodder in a few years.
Jules - Thanks!
M. Snay - Thanks, I had fun writing it. :)
Anita - He's not a great typist, but you should see him use the Force to collate.
This would be a great example to use in business classes of how to tailor your cover letter to catch the interest of particular employers...
Dear Kenneth
We sold the Chili's two years ago. Last I heard it's been turned into a Quick Lube. Are you good with a turbobioeffluvinator? Aunt Muriel says hi. When are you going to get married?
Uncle Skip
Dear Ken,
Enclosed please find 3 pairs of newish socks, all black. I know you like socks, I know you lose socks, and, well, based on your futile attempt to find gainful employment, I think you're going to need socks, and plenty of 'em. Tatooine is a large planet, Kenny, and on foot, it's bound to seem even larger. (trust me, that Dune Sea is a bitch, especially in January).
Best of Luck, nephew. Oh, and while you're on that job-hunt, keep a sharp eye out for a good deal on moisture vaporators, as ours is close to going kaput.
Enjoy the socks. Write when you find work.
Aunt Muriel
OMG! ^_^ Too funny!!
**singing** Diesel's as geeky as I am, Diesel's as geeky as I am. . .
@Diesel I'd argue Cloud City only looks like a step up. After all, Lando hung around with Han, and sold out pretty fast to the Empire.
But maybe you're right. It was shinier.
Must resist pointing out Al-no agencies please means "carbonite, not carbomite, and that he might have been thinking of the corbomite maneuver... Must... resist
Too late. Big geek is wolfe.
-wolfe
Wolfe -- I stand utterly and completely corrected! But, honestly, can you blame me? All those fictitious minerals to remember, along with their made-up chemical properties, and their imaginary melting and freezing points...
Robin - Or a lesson in choosing your major.
Uncle Skip - Kenny can change the oil in most late model landspeeders, and he's good at upselling. "Those aren't the wiper blades you're looking for."
Aunt Muriel - Moisture vaporators are notoriously moody. Just tell them 100111010110100010100001010101. That usually cheers them up. If not, I'll have Kenny pick some up on the way back from Tashi station. He says thanks for the socks.
Candace - Yes, and every time I post something like this Not Karen threatens to stop reading my blog if I continue to cater to the Proactiv set.
Wolfe - I was going to let that one slip, but I feel better now that it's out in the open. Not least because it saved me from having to demonstrate that I'm a pedantic geek.
Al - Oh, so now carbonite isn't even real? And I supposed "nitrogen" is?
You are too funny. I'll have to pass this on to my favorite StarWars geeks they'll love it!
The geek is strong in this one.
Claire - Thanks! I hope I live up to their exacting standards.
Logophile - Love it you do.
Too bad they had to make those three prequels.
Welcome to Transmundanity
Egan - Yeah, now we know why Lucas skipped to #4 right away.
MC - Woohoo! I win! And all it took was some shameless self promotion and $3.47 in loose change!
This is about seventeen different kinds of brilliant.
Great work, Diesel!
Jess - Thank you, sir! I only counted 14, but I'll take your word for it. :)
So that's where the 6th Finger guy went.