How the Almond Farmer Saved Christmas

During the 2005-06 crop year, more than $1.3 million worth of almonds were stolen from growers and shippers in the San Joaquin Valley. Truckload after truckload, thieves allegedly trespassed onto properties, cut fences and broke locks to get to the valuable nuts. Sheriff's deputies say thieves hot-wired several tractor-trailers around the Central Valley and were able to flee with almonds that were awaiting shipment overseas.

California almond growers in 2004-05 produced $2.2 billion worth of almonds.

Source: California Farm Bureau Federation

The Thule fog whipped around Santa's sleigh, obscuring his vision of the ground below. "On Donner! On Blitzen! We're going to be late!" Not for the first time he cursed himself for letting Rudolph go. The old boy had been hitting the nog pretty hard lately, but his incandescent schnoz sure would have come in handy on a night like this.

A loud crack and the howls of terrified reindeer broke the calm of the still winter air. "Up! Pull up!" Santa barked. But it was too late. The reindeer flew headlong through a tangled mess of knotty tree branches. Santa gritted his teeth as the branches whipped past, smacking his face and tearing the buttons off his coat. Finally the rig came to a halt, the reindeers' antlers hopelessly entangled in the branches, the sleigh dangling precariously beneath them. The ground could be five feet or fifty feet down. It was impossible to tell in the fog. "Blasted cartographer elves!" Santa spat, as the sleigh rocked nauseatingly. Where his charts showed an empty field he had found an orchard. Reindeer bleated pathetically above him and Santa tried to stand to appraise the situation. He lost his balance and flailed about, finally grasping the end of a branch. It was leafless and dead looking, with only the hint of new buds tucked away under the coarse grayish brown bark. A few tiny blackened bits of fruit dangled from the end. "Not supposed to be an orchard here," Santa muttered. "And it could at least be chestnuts. These look like...."

"Almonds," said a gruff voice below. Except he pronounced it A-munds, so it rhymed with salmon. Judging from the voice, Santa figured he was only about ten feet up.

"Almonds," you mean, said Santa. "Who is that?"

"Name's Jess Van Den Berg," said the man. "I'm an a-mund farmer. And no, I don't mean al-mond. You're in Ripon, California. We're the a-mund capitol of the world. And we call them a-munds."

"Ok, fine," said Santa. "I'm in a bit of a hurry. This is my big night, you know. Lots of presents to deliver. Do you think you could help me out of these trees?"

"Sure," said Jess. "I'll get my chainsaw and a ladder. One thing, though...."

"What is it?" Santa asked, impatiently. The reindeer continued to flail about and make plaintive sounds.

Jess continued, "There was a big a-mund theft out here recently. I lost about half of my crop. It's not going to be much of a Christmas for my family."

"Uh huh," said Santa.

"And well, you're Santa Claus, so you can pretty much give anything to anybody, right?"

"Within reason," Santa said cautiously.

"Ok, well I was hoping you could get me my nuts back."

"Uhh...."

"Or not, whatever. Anyway, I should probably see if there are any sleighs caught in the trees of my walnut orchard across the levee."

"Ok, ok! You can have your nuts back."

"Really? That's fantastic! Ok, wait right here. I'm going to get my chainsaw."

Jess hopped in his pickup and sped back to the barn where he kept his equipment. He was thrilled. This was going to be the best Christmas ever. He couldn't wait to get home and tell the family how he saved Christmas and got his nuts back.

He grabbed his chainsaw, fifty feet of rope and a long extension ladder, threw them in the back of the pickup, and drove back out to where Santa's sleigh still hung pathetically in the trees. It took him nearly an hour, but he managed to work the reindeer loose and lowered the whole rig to the ground without so much as a broken antler. He was sweaty and his muscles twitched with exhaustion, but he had done it. He had saved Christmas.

Standing there next to Santa's sleigh piled high with presents meant for good little boys and girls across the globe, he felt a strange sensation, a combination of pride that he had something to do with the spreading of such joy, and embarrassment that he had put his own nuts ahead of the happiness of all those children. It was a humbling experience.

Santa put his hand on Jess' shoulder. "Jess, I can't tell you how grateful I am for your help. There are going to be a lot of little boys and girls who are going to be very happy tomorrow morning, thanks to you."

Jess smiled sheepishly, thinking back to the joyful Christmas mornings of his youth. Tears began to well up in his eyes.

Santa hopped back into the sleigh, then looked back, with a twinkle in his eye. "I suppose you know now, Jess, that your nuts were in your heart all along."

Jess nodded slowly and smiled as Santa grabbed the reigns. Then a confused look came over his face.

"My what?" Jess said.

"Your nuts," Santa said flatly. "They're in your -- "

Jess spat and shook his head. "Look, maybe that kind of crap flies at the North Pole, but here in Ripon we pay our debts. And you owe me twenty tons of nuts. I can't believe you're trying to screw the guy who saved Christmas out of his nuts."

Santa said, "You see, Jess, I said what I had to say to complete my mission, but I don't make the rules. The fact is, you've been rather naughty this year...."

"Naughty?! I friggin' saved Christmas!"

"Yes," Santa said. "That will factor positively in next year's accounting, I'm sure. However, you used a lot of Malathion for fumigation this year. Do you know how bad that stuff is for the environment? And I believe there were a few instances where you threw construction waste in your burn pile this past summer. Very naughty, Jess."

"Unbelievable," Jess said. He stepped in front of the sleigh. "Ok, I think I know how to settle this," he said.

"Jess, get out of the way. I've got a lot of presents to deliver."

"I didn't want to have to do this, Santa. But here's the deal: I've got a chainsaw. You don't. Give me my nuts or yours are going back up in that tree."

Santa sputtered and cursed, but finally gave in. He reached into his sleigh and hauled out a small bag, no larger than Jess' fist. He tossed it to Jess.

Jess held the bag upside down, thinking Santa was making fun of him. To his surprise, a great cascade of almonds poured out of the bag. And they kept pouring out, until there was a pile up to Jess's waist. Finally he closed up the bag, convinced that Santa had made good on the deal.

"They're all there," Santa said. "Twenty tons."

"Good," Jess said.

"Are all of you almond farmers this stubborn?" Santa asked.

Jess grinned. "Pretty much," he said. "And it's a-munds."

"But there's an L in it," Santa protested. "It's al-monds."

"Sure, there's an L when you spell it, but when you say the word, there's no L."

Santa sighed in resignation, as the reinder took flight. "No L?" He shouted back to Jess.

"No L!" Jess shouted back.

And the words echoed in Santa's head as he flew over the little town of Ripon, reflecting on what he had learned about keeping Christmas promises.

Noel, Noel,
Noel, Noel,
Born is the King of Israel.