I understand Mattress Inspectors have a very short life expectancy

You may have noticed the quantity and quality of my posts slipping recently. I know, we all go through dry patches, but this is more serious. Why? Because it's the Mattress Police, that's why. The Mattress Police don't have "dry patches." They don't have down time. The Mattress Police are all-seeing, all-knowing, and always on.

Why is this important? Because although you may not realize it, intact mattress tags are the lynchpin of society. A citizenry that feels free to remove its mattress tags soon moves on to torching Taco Bells, punching baby otters, and deciding to buy Fergie's CD before they've even seen the album cover. There is a reason that our motto is tagus intactus, civitate intactus. And it's not because I just made it up.

When tags are removed, society becomes a mockery of its former self. And a poor mockery at that, like Joe Piscopo doing an impression of Bill Cosby doing one of his crazy rants against poor black people. It's so far removed from an actual liveable society that you might as well just roast marshmallows over the flaming wreckage of civilization, because all the buildings are made out of graham crackers anyway, and if you could just find some chocolate, you'd be all set. But all the while, the ghost story of the old order echoes in the woods around you, barely audible over the rushing wind of the apocalypse.

But you're going to have to enjoy it without me, because there are forces at work within the Mattress Police who have noticed my recent slippage. Yes, I have tried to insulate you, my loyal pigeons of justice, from the political vagaries and tumultuous intrigue playing out within the organization, but I'm afraid I cannot maintain the facade. In my weakened state, I can no longer prevent the warring clans within the Mattress Police from trying to assert their will over the organization and employing its vast machinery for their own nefarious purposes. Well, to be honest, only two of the clans are truly nefarious; the others are mostly just kind of clingy. Still, none of them have the strength of will to declare "Mission Accomplished" in anticipation of a nearly inconceivable victory several decades away, or to state with conviction that "You are either with us or against us," and then walk like an injured duck for six blocks just to see who their real friends are.

I do have some allies within the organization. Donald Rumsfeld, for one, has recently signed up, as has Alan Thicke -- both of them foregoing cushy sitcom deals to do so, by the way. If I can rally a number of like-minded individuals within the organization to my cause, I may be able to put together a decent volleyball team for once. And from there, it's only a bump, set and spike away from reasserting my supremacy over the Mattress Police. Now if I can just avoid falling into the clutches of....wait, what's that? Someone at the door! I must wefwe gpoijwghr[=qrhj fdawolwlnkkvsdanedejqo3

Sorry about that. I think I just killed a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses with a pencil. Now, to take a drink from my coffee which inexplicably smells vaguely of almonds and click Publish....