I've been tagged with a Christmas meme by Poppy of Opiate of the Masses. I'm supposed to list what I got for Christmas, or didn't get, or wanted to get, or something. I'm not so good with following rules. It doesn't look like Poppy followed them precisely either, nor did the person who tagged her. So I'm figuring that by this point this meme is probably like one of those games of telephone where the first person says "There's another city under attack" and the last person hears "Things are going swimmingly in Iraq."
Anyway, here's a list of things I got for Christmas. I may have embellished a few of them. If you feel like playing, consider yourself tagged.
- My daughter Maddie gave me a grocery bag full of all of the vegetables she hadn't eaten over the previous year. It smelled like cabbage and sneakers.
- My mentally challenged brother Phil gave me a comic book that he made by cutting pictures of people out of Sports Illustrated, Fangoria and Martha Stewart Living magazines and pasting speech bubbles over their heads. The story is about a team of superheroes led by Joe Montana who defeat an army of Uruk-Hai and zombies led by Martha Stewart. In the climax, Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods meet their match in the form of a giant robot made of pine cones and taffeta.
- My neighbor Billy gave me a "time machine" comprised of a refrigerator box with a bottle of Jim Beam inside.
- My mother-in-law, mindful of my high blood pressure and a family tree regularly pruned by strokes and massive heart attacks, gave me a deep fryer and fifty pounds of bacon-wrapped twinkies.
- My wife promised to stop having "feminine troubles" for a year.
- My freshman year college roommate Scott sent me the wad of hair he fished out of our dorm room shower at the end of the 1988-89 school year with a note that said, "I think I'm finally at a point emotionally where I don't need this any more."
- Marilu Henner dropped the restraining order.
- My cheap great-uncle Walt gave me an LED watch. He said he thought it might be broken, but I told him that was ok, because I didn't really care what time it was in 1984 anyway.
- My friend Joe gave me Season One of Friends on DVD, which is great, because I've almost stopped seeing the reruns on my eyelids.
- Uncle Karl stopped by and finally gave my nose back. He tried telling me that it was all a "trick", but I beat him with a tire iron until he fessed up and gave it back. Then I took his.
Labels: Blogging, Memes, Nonsense
Excellent manly list! I can't believe there are still Uncle's doing the "I got you nose" bit, please say all the ones that used "pull my finger" have passed into the great beyond.
Man, you are so full of it! Good job.
I have to stop reading this stuff at work. Absolutely hilarious, Diesel. Love the part about the bacon-wrapped twinkies! :o)
I have an uncle who definitively one-upped the "I got your nose" ploy. When confronted with 8-year-old skeptics, he'd just shrug and pop out his glass eye. Some of my cousins are still in therapy.
I didn't actually read the whole thing, but I did notice that things are going swimmingly in Iraq. Thanks for the news update.
Kat - What do you mean, "bit"? I made do without a nose for 28 years.
Cindra - Thanks!
Angela - Actually, that one has some truth to it. She really did get me a deep fryer. And I do have high blood pressure. At least I did until I quit my job.
Zogmama - Wow, that would do it.
Fiar - That was the important part. Carry on.
As a kid, I never bought into the whole 'got-your-nose' malarky. I've always been very malarky skeptical.
That's weird. Your wife made me the same promise.
Oh great. So now I feel all lame because I took the meme kind of seriously. Thanks a lot.
However, I made it look as though my husband gives me presents. When basically, I just go out and buy myself whatever I want, and then he pays for it. (I know what you're thinking: "AWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwww! How romantic!")
Marilu Henner's still alive?
Robin - I'm not buying it.
Fab - My wife promised you she'd stop buying shoes?
Poppy - You should know that whenever I'm faced with telling the truth or writing something interesting, I pick the latter. Oh, and my wife and I didn't even go through the motions. Except for the motions of buying a 56" TV, that is. Yeah buddy!
Not Karen - Perhaps not. That would explain why she suddenly let her guard down. I guess this is my big chance, either way.
That was funny! It's not true...right? Your MIL really loves you I bet.
I'm guessing your mother in law doesn't like you much.
That was disturbingly funny...
G - The part about the deep fryer is true, yes. I don't think she was trying to kill me though.
MS - She does like me, actually. However she gets some odd ideas in her head sometimes. I guess I can't blame her for that.
Pavel - Better than funnily disturbing, I always say. :)
i'm glad i didn't see this earlier, because i needed another good laugh/slide out of my chair, and this provided me with the means to do both.
no "feminine problems" for a year?? either A) she's pregnant, or B) a hell of a lot older than i supposed.
glad to know your Christmas was so nice -- and relieved to know you got yer nose back -- i imagine it makes wearing glasses much easier. xox