Laughter in Heaven

Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

Luke 6:21


When I woke up on Tuesday morning I thought the most momentous event of the day was going to be the delivery of our new 56 inch TV. It turns out God had other plans. My wife called in the middle of the afternoon with the news that her sister’s husband had died in an accident at work. We spent most of the rest of the day at their house alternately hearing or speaking the phrase “if there is anything I can do….”

When we finally went home and got the kids in bed, I set about hooking up the TV – more because the box was taking up most of our living room than out of any overwhelming desire to watch TV. After I had scratched my head over the various connections for a few minutes, my wife said, “This is when we would normally call John.”

Actually we probably wouldn’t have, as John was always being pestered to help with things like that. I assured her, without in any way dismissing John’s mastery of all things electrical, that I thought we could manage this particular crisis without his help. My morbid sense of humor being my defense against anything unpleasant, I was tempted to say something really inappropriate, like, “That John will do anything to get out of helping somebody hook up a TV.” But for the hundredth time that day, I bit my tongue. Remarks like that are charitably called “gallows humor,” and less charitably called “in really bad taste.”

I’m pretty sure John would have appreciated the joke, though. John loved to laugh, particularly about silly little jokes like that, poking fun of him or someone else.

I’ve thought a lot lately about what it is that makes people laugh. I believe it's the recognition of unity in the absurd, the mind's delight in the reconciliation of paradoxes. Humor is the mental equivalent of jujitsu -- chanelling the momentum of the painful and incomprehensible into something elegant and fitting, if not entirely comfortable. It is the release of tension brought about by the deflation of the revered and the glorification of the wretched, the satisfying of expectations in an unexpected way.

I believe that we are wired to find joy in such things. I think God made us this way, probably because God Himself has a sense of humor. After all, He made a shy, stuttering man the leader of His people. He overlooked all the great men of Israel to crown a lowly shepherd boy King. He spoke through an ass, a burning bush, and a still, small voice. He made fools of the prophets of Ba'al without breaking a sweat.

I believe, in fact, that God orchestrated the greatest joke of all time. I mean no disrespect to my non-Christian readers (nor to my Christian readers), but this is what I believe: I believe God made the Infinite into the finite, the Immortal into mortal, Divine into man. And this man, Jesus Christ, brought down the mighty and exalted the meek and poor in spirit. He turned everything on its head. The first were made last, the last first. He satisfied the expectations of the prophets in a way no one could have expected. He made a mockery of humanity's quest for money and power. He even ridiculed man’s attempts to try to live a righteous life. To the rich young man who insisted he had kept all of God's commandments, Jesus said, like Columbo asking for "just one more thing:"

Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.

“Oh, so that's all you want?” You can imagine the young man saying. “Everything? Well, I think I have somewhere I need to be. Nice talking to you!”

Jesus made a mockery even of death. Having overcome every obstacle thrown in His path by every power on hell and earth, He was finally given over to the ultimate punishment, humanity's greatest fear. Oh, that? He said (I’m paraphrasing here). That will take a bit longer. Give me three days.

Whether or not you buy this story, you have to admit that it's pretty funny. Thousands of years of plotting by Satan and his minions, and Jesus kicks all of their asses over a long weekend. And how? By being humiliated, dying and coming back to life. It’s perfect and perfectly absurd. Horrific and wonderful.

These are my words, my thoughts. Not Johns’s. John and I had different ways of looking at things. But John was my brother-in-law and brother in Christ. I don’t pretend to know what heaven is, but if anyone is in a better place, it’s John. I take comfort in that knowledge.

Some part of me also wonders if maybe John had learned everything he needed to here on this plane, so God called him home for some greater purpose. But what could possibly be so important that God had to pull him away from his duties as a husband and father? Here my reason fails me and my imagination takes over, trying to put together the pieces that don’t seem to fit:

I see John walking through the pearly gates, and God is there to greet him.

God says, “Welcome home, John!”

John replies, “Thanks. It’s wonderful to be here. Really, it is. But can I ask you a question?”

God says, “Sure, John. What is it?”

“Well, I kind of thought that I had more to do on earth. There were a lot of people depending on me….”

“I know, John. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of them. I just really needed you up here with me.”

“Really? Because I got the impression I was needed quite a bit down there as well.”

“You did a lot of good down there, John, but now I’ve got something else in mind for you.”

“I understand,” John says. “So what is it?”

“Well, you see,” God says, “I just got this new TV….”

I know, it’s a bad joke. But it’s all I’ve got.

Goodbye, John

First of all, thanks to everyone for your prayers and encouragement. Please continue to remember the family, as this is a loss that will continue to be felt for a long, long time.

I feel a little strange posting this before I'm sure that all of the family has been notified, but I wanted to give you at least a little more information than I provided in my sketchy post yesterday.

My brother-in-law, John, died yesterday in a work-related accident. He apparently died from head injuries caused by a fall. From what I can gather, it sounds like he most likely did not suffer much pain. He is survived by his wife and three sons, the oldest of whom is in middle school; his mother; and two brothers. He was 37. He was my wife's sister's husband, so he was not related by blood to either my wife or myself, but he has been part of our family for a very long time. The family should be more-or-less ok financially, but of course this is going to make things tougher for them.

John was a special person. If I had to sum him up, I would say that he was full of love. He loved God, his family, and pretty much everyone around him. And everyone loved him. He embraced life wholeheartedly, was full of joy, and always had something kind or encouraging to say. He will be greatly missed.

Everyone always wants to know if there's something they can do. Well, right now I'm sitting at home wondering the same thing. Is there something I can do? No, not really. I can pick up my kids from school so that my wife can spend time with her sister. And I can pray. That's about it. Praying is all anyone can really do at this point.

Goodbye, John. We will miss you.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know how to make this transition (does the dotted line help? Is that all it takes to separate tragedy from ordinary life?), so I'll just do it:

I will post an update regarding my reading list "contest" soon. If you were planning to recommend a book, please continue do so. Before this happened, I was really looking forward to seeing what you all were going to pick. As there isn't much else I can do, I could definitely still use some reading list suggestions to occupy my time.

Thank you and may God bless you. Hug someone you love today.

Death in the Family

I'm sorry to bring you all down with this out-of-character post, but I need to ask you for a favor.

I just found out 5 minutes ago that my brother-in-law has died unexpectedly. He has a wife and three small children. Please pray for his family, if you are so inclined.

I'm not sure what the next few days will hold. I may not be around much for a few days. Rest assured I will get around to responding to your reading list suggestions soon.

Thanks for your prayers and support.

-Rob

The Lamest Contest Ever

I've been trying to think of a contest to do on this site, but unfortunately all the cool ideas, like this, this, this and this, have been taken. "There has to be some kind of contest I can do," I thought, and proceeded to channel all of my mental energy into solving this problem. Sure enough, within minutes my attention had wandered to something else entirely. "I'm really looking forward to having time to read again," I thought. I continued to think, for those of you who need some additional background, "The reason I will have so much time on my hands is that I'm quitting my job to take a year off. That's right, a whole year. I'm going to be spending most of my time building an addition to my house, but I'm also planning on having a lot more time to read. So much time, in fact, that I really need a reading list. Maybe I could post a blog entry asking people to suggest books I should read." Just then my mind snapped back into contest-creation mode.

"That's it! A contest where people can submit reading list suggestions."

"But how will I pick the winners?" The Reading List Train of Thought asked. "And won't the losers feel bad?"

"Yes they will," replied Contest Train of Thought. "Nobody wants to be a loser."

"No losers then," said RLToT. "Everybody wins! We will read every book anybody suggests."

"Wow, you are the dumbest train of thought ever to meander through these parts," CToT said. "People will be suggesting The Protocols of the Elders of Zion and Danielle Steele's Detritis. And what kind of prizes are you giving out?"

"No prizes. Just the satisfaction that comes from getting another person to read a book."

"Do you even understand what a contest is?"

"Vaguely."

"Well, at the very least, we need to get something back from the people entering, so they won't just deluge you with suggestions to read garbage."

"A link! We'll make them link to our blog. And not just a side bar link, an actual blog entry linking to our blog."

"And we'll make them tell us why they are suggesting the book."

"Yes! And they have to be semi-serious. I mean, it can't be just somebody saying that we have to read Fran Drescher's autobiography because it changed their life."

"Right. But if somebody can actually make a case for why we should read Mein Kampf...."

"We'll take them up on it."

"Absolutely. But it has to be an English translation."

"Yes. All the books have to be in English."

"So no Pynchon or Joyce?"

"Hmmm. We'll have to decide on a case-by-case basis. Nothing over 500 pages either. Unless it looks really good."

"Deal. And we'll commit to read every book suggested within a year from today."

"We'll have to limit it to 52 books."

"Wow, that's one a week!"

"Trust me, this thing's not going to generate that much interest."

"We should be able to guilt Gregory, Joel, Cindra, Wolfe, Mr. Fabulous, and Pavel into doing it at least. Probably Miss Kitty, too. Isn't she like a professor or something?"

"And what's a Hot Librarian for, if not to recommend good books?"

"Still, it is the lamest contest ever. In fact, that's what we should call it."

"No, we'll call it 'Make Diesel Read a Book.'"

"Excellent. Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Can you write up these rules in a little more concise format?"

"You bet. I'll put it right here."

"Cool. Oh, and one more thing."

"What's that?"

"Which Train of Thought are you again?"

"Man, I was hoping you knew. It all blends together after a while."

Make Diesel Read a Book!

Fed Chair Speaks Out Against Smiley Inflation

WASHINGTON, November 27 — Ben S. Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, warned Monday that recent inflation trends were "unwelcome developments," indicating that he was particularly worried about a relatively recent phenomenon known as "smiley inflation."

In his toughest comments yet about the risks of smiley inflation, Mr. Bernanke said Internet users were utilizing smileys and chat abbreviations such as "LOL" and "ROTFL" at unprecedented rates. He indicated that while rising consumer prices were of moderate concern, what really worried him was the "irrational exuberance" regarding smileys characterizing the current market landscape.

"Five years ago, the basic unit of currency exchanged for a moderately amusing remark was a regular smiley ( :) ), grin smiley ( :D ) or a simple 'heh.' These units were rapidly devalued and were soon replaced by the laughing smiley ( :)) ) or LOL. Now there is an increasing prospect of serious LOL devaluation, which has a lot of people concerned."

Bernanke stopped short of saying the Fed would take decisive action to combat smiley inflation. As of Monday, the Federal Smiley Use rate remained unchanged at 36.3%, meaning that roughly a third of absurd announcements by government officials would continue to be followed by a single smiley, wink smiley ( ;) ) or eye-rolling smiley ( 8-| ). Use of devil smileys ( >:) ) and tongue-sticking-out smileys ( :p ) also remained unchanged at 12.5%, despite pressure from the Bush administration to raise this rate.

Bernanke would not comment on reports that the Treasury is considering the release of several additional high-end smileys. "For now," Bernanke said, "We believe that ROTFL and LMAO remain sufficient for most humorous transactions." He added that while the regular smiley has been devalued almost to the level of the dot ( . ), there remain some smileys, such as the clown ( :o) ) and crazy smiley ( 8-} ), that are inexplicably underused. "We think it's sort of a Sacagawea dollar situation," Bernanke said. "Is it a dollar? Is it a quarter? Nobody really knows what to make of some of these smileys, and that lack of certainty pushes up the use of LOL and ROTFL." The real worry, however, is that overuse of these abbreviations will cause users to resort to increased use of ROTFLOL and ROTFLMAO. If ROTFLMAO becomes devalued, many analysts believe the Treasury will be forced to release new smileys or abbreviations.

A recent Congressional Smiley Committee report had suggested the gradual introduction of several new smileys, including:

:(~) Laughing so hard you can see that thingy hanging down in the back of my throat.

:^&)) Laughing so hard that milk is shooting out of my nose.

:-[X=| Laughing so hard that I wet myself.

:)) [+] Laughing so hard that paramedics had to be called.

:)) $$$ Laughing so hard that I expect to be paid for it.

The committee declined to endorse the so-called "nuclear option," the release of FTIEH (Funniest Thing I Ever Heard). Committee members cited concerns that it left no room for future abbreviations of even greater value.

"The work of the Smiley Committee is appreciated, but I believe it is premature to be talking about the need for more high-value smileys," Bernanke said. He is known for holding the controversial opinion that the level of humor on the Internet has actually been decreasing over recent years, despite the proliferation of smileys. His remarks on this subject have fueled concerns regarding the possibility of a "humor bubble." Smiley inflation occurs when there are "too many smileys chasing too few really funny jokes," Bernanke stated. "There are a lot of markets where users are throwing out LOLs in response to Garfield-level humor. I don't believe that's sustainable over the long term."

Bernanke was asked to comment on an IM conversation between two office workers that made news over the weekend. The chat log, which was leaked to the press by an anonymous employee of AOL Time Warner, has created a firestorm of controversy regarding the company's alleged encouragement of the blatant overuse of smileys. The chat log reads, in part:

SidneyJennings2003: what r u doing this wkend?

KarenN1970: wacthing gilmor grlz. U?

SidneyJennings2003: LOL! me 2

KarenN1970: LOL ur 2 funny. is austin coming over???

SidneyJennings2003: we broke up

KarenN1970: OMG no way!!! :( :( :(

SidneyJennings2003: hes a big jerk i borke up with him!!!

KarenN1970: ROTFLMAO!!! ur 2 funny!! :D

"I don't see how anyone can look at an exchange like that and conclude that it represents a reasonable usage of smileys or abbreviations," Bernanke said.

Tim Kellerman, Vice President of AOL Time Warner for :D, dismissed the controversy. "Everyone knows that young female office workers use a ridiculous number of smileys," Kellerman said. "The market discounts it." He argued the use of smileys among users of all demographics remains well within historical norms. He added, "We're feeling very good about the level of use of smileys overall :) ."

The market's reaction to Bernanke's statement was mixed, with most Fed watchers expressing " :| "or " (:| ".

All Hands on Deck to Rearrange Chairs

Every quarter the company I work for has an "all hands" meeting for all employees where the management reviews what's going on with the company. Despite the fact that quarters occur with more-or-less predictable frequency (hint: there are four a year), these are always slapdash affairs that seem to have used the same PowerPoint presentation since 1984. If you are lucky enough to be middle management, part of the ritual is being assured by your manager 3 days before the meeting that you won't have to present anything, and then being informed 3 hours before the meeting that oops! we need you to "throw together a few slides" after all. I was a little hurt that I wasn't asked to pull some slides out of my rear end this time; it may have something to do with the air of irritation and apathy that I've been cultivating recently.

Anyway, I thought I would present, for your edification, my notes from this meeting. I may have missed a few of the finer points.

Q3 All Hands Meeting NOTES

"We continue to invest in our application infrastructure" = "Diesel hasn't quit yet. What's it going to take to get rid of this guy?"


Q: Why a picture of Gandhi on slide with customer service quotes???

- Should have saved that for "belt-tightening" slide


BEST QUARTER EVER!

- "Pipeline the strongest it's ever been" = still more deals that haven't materialized

- revenue shortfall "no big deal"


Nice transition from Gandhi to militaristic metaphors -- "establishing a beachhead"

We're moving to the METRIC SYSTEM. (May have misheard this one. Ask someone later.)

SLA = Symbionese Liberation Army??? (Note to self: Bone up on business jargon)

**Lunch!**

Saturday Quiz: The California Driver Test

1. When moving to the left lane from the center lane on an interstate highway, you should:

a) Match the speed of the traffic in the left lane and then move over when you see an opening.
b) Turn on your left turn signal and wait for the drivers to your left to make room for you.
c) Try to make eye contact with a driver in the left lane and communicate using crude sign language that you want to get over.
d) Tap your brakes and turn on your right turn signal. Drift slightly to the right and then veer sharply to the left while gunning the gas and honking your horn. Assume other drivers will move.

2. The use of exit numbers on interstate highways became mandatory in 1971. When did California begin implementing exit numbers interstates?

a) 1968
b) 1971
c) 2002
d) 1973

3. A 4 lane highway where traffic slows to a crawl every weekday at 3:30 in the afternoon:
a) Should be widened as soon as possible.
b) Is a good rationale for more public transportation.
c) Is a good argument for a coordinated plan to prevent sprawl.
d) Is a good place for an exit for a new housing development.

4. The phrase "RIGHT LANE EXIT ONLY" means:
a) If you are in the right lane, you must exit the freeway.
b) If you are in the right lane and do not want to exit the freeway, you must merge left as soon as possible.
c) If you are exiting the freeway, you must be in the right lane.
d) If you want to zip past 200 pathetic rule-obeying saps, here's your chance.

5. A stretch of asphalt that has massive potholes about every 100 feet:
a) Should be closed for repairs immediately.
b) Is justification for another 11/32 of a cent sales tax.
c) Is an indication that the state is squandering its federal highway funds.
d) Must be some sort of runway.

6. Draw a line indicating the best driving route between point A and point B:




7. If the roadway is wet, you should:
a) Drive slightly slower and more carefully than usual, because water can make the road slippery.
b) Drive the same speed as usual, because your boss doesn't care that the road is wet, you still have to be at work by 8.
c) Drive WAY slower than normal, because water falling out of the sky is an omen of some kind of impeding disaster.
d) Drive WAY faster than normal, because hydroplaning is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
e) Any of the above except (a).

8. In 2004 California voters passed a $3 Billion bond proposition to:
a) Retrofit bridges and tunnels for earthquake protection.
b) Fund public transportation projects.
c) Build several new state highways.
d) Research ways to clone more people.



ANSWERS:

1. d
2. c
3. d
4. d
5. d
6. (See below)



7. e
8. d



SCORING

0-1 Don't move. We'll come get you.
2-3 You should probably stick to side streets. And don't leave Nebraska.
4-5 You may be able to drive on California's highways for short periods of time without experiencing any severe trauma.
6-7 You are a born California commuter! Your cell phone and handgun are on the way.
8 I hear Cal Trans is looking for a new director.

Homophilia

Occasionally I will help my seven year old son study for his spelling tests. This is always a struggle for me, because the teacher insists on stacking the spelling word list with homophones (no, not homophobes. They are not teaching my son to memorize the names of famous bigots in spelling class. They do that in history). For example, a recent list included the words seen, weed, there, been, need, where, there, here, and seem. Words such as this tempt me to be extra-helpful by using the word in a sentence, such as "Ben had been here all day, and had seen this scene before." Or "I hear there seems to be a tear in their seam here." I know it's cruel of me, but what do they expect?

Thursday Shout-Out: God

It seems only fitting that today I give a shout-out to the original blogger, God. Well, He hasn't blogged much lately, but He did keep up a running commentary about his family for a few centuries a while back. Ok, I'd better kill this metaphor before Joel and Gregory have a fit. So here is my list of 10 Things for which I'm Thankful.

• Rice Krispy bars
  
• Dr. Pepper
  
• My ridiculously good health, notwithstanding diet of Rice Krispy bars and Dr. Pepper.
  
• I live in a country where "fascism" means somebody working for the goverment can find out what libary books I checked out (Possibly without a warrant!!!).
  
• Dec. 8 is my last day of working for "the man."
  
• My kickass Japanese car
  
• I have 1/3 of a really nice house. And with some hard work and providence, I'll have around 3/5 by Spring.
  
• I have a son who tells me that he loves me "God's number." How can anyone love (or be loved) so much?
  
• I have a daughter who never fails to deliver more blogging material when I'm out of ideas.
  
• My beautiful, witty, kind wife STILL puts up with me.
  

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! There shall be no talk of "Turkey Day" around here!

10 Underrated Comedies

I'm going to be lazy today. It's the day before Thanksgiving, and you probably don't want to do a lot of reading anyway. What you want to do is curl up on the couch and watch movies. So here, for your consideration, are 10 comedies that I don't think have been given their rightful due, either by critics or by audiences, and in some cases, both.

50 First Dates - Sweet, very funny romantic comedy. And I'm not big on romantic comedies, so trust me. A moderate commercial and critical success, but I think it's one of Sandler's funniest.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Sort of a post-modern film noir. Not really a comedy, but brilliantly written and quite funny. Robert Downey Jr.'s narration is to die for.

About a Boy - Sweet and funny without being schmaltzy. Hugh Grant at his snarky best.

Army of Darkness - Virtually impossible to describe. Science fiction horror fantasy action comedy? A sequel to the Evil Dead movies, but it stands on its own. Directed by Sam Raimi before he got all mainstream on us (Spider-Man). It even has an inexplicable shout-out to my hometown, Grand Rapids, Michigan. What more could you want?

Waking Ned Devine - Just an all around wonderful movie. Great characters, great writing, great settings, great acting. Pretty much perfect.

Punch-Drunk Love - An oddly charming and touching movie with Adam Sandler and Emily Watson. More quirky and amusing than laugh-out-loud funny.

Nothing to Lose - A funny movie starring Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins? Yes. Very.

Best in Show - Christopher Guest and the usual cast of suspects. My favorite of these movies.

Mother - Woody Allen-esque is the best way to describe this movie. Albert Brooks at his neurotically hilarious best.

Bottle Rocket - One of my absolute favorites, probably because I relate so much to the reality-challenged main characters. Wes Anderson's first movie, and I believe the first for Owen and Luke Wilson as well.

What about you? What funny movies do you think not enough people know about?

Let's Keep in Touch

A few weeks ago I signed up for a LinkedIn account. As near as I can figure, LinkedIn is like MySpace for people who have jobs. It's sort of an online networking site, so that if I need to hire a new Java programmer and your cousin's brother-in-law's babysitter is a Java programmer, then I can spend 10 minutes explaining to her why I still really need to post an ad on Craig's List.

When you sign up, LinkedIn allows you to send invitations to all the people in your Outlook address book, so that you can "stay connected" with them. Now keep in mind that all of the people in my address list are either (1) friends with whom I'm already in contact (which is why I have their email address), (2) relatives that I couldn't lose if I tried, or (3) co-workers that I see every day. So what's the point of a website to help me "stay connected" with this people, you ask. Well, let's say that I get so fed up with the retard circus that is my place of employment that I finally decide to just walk out one day and never come back. Now ordinarily I would never hear from any of those jerks again, but since I'm on LinkedIn, I'm guaranteed to get a bunch of emails saying, "Hey, dude, it's not the same here since you left. We all miss you a ton. Speaking of which, do you have a minute to answer a few questions about that doomed project that caused your nervous breakdown?" LinkedIn is the career equivalent of a herpes infection. As much as you want to leave that bad experience in the distant past, LinkedIn will guarantee periodic reminders at the worst possible times, like a bad outbreak on your honeymoon.

But like an idiot, I clicked the "Invite people from my address book" button, because at the time I happened to be experiencing a unique combination of curiousity, boredom, and inebration. The LinkedIn site gave me a bunch of names of people to invite, including a few people who are just below Patient Zero on the list of people with whom I want to remain in contact. "Geez," I thought, "That's all I need, to be tethered to those human boat anchors for the rest of my life." I unchecked their names and then clicked the button to send the invitations to the people I can actually tolerate.

At this point I noticed that it had sent a lot more invitations than I had expected. I clicked the back button to look at the list again. Turns out that the list was in a text box, so that you had to scroll down to see all the names. I had sent invitations to nearly everyone in my company, including one individual who in my opinion epitomizes not only the Peter Principle but also the Dilbert Principle, and probably the Vice Principle and pretty much every other incompetence-related principle you can think of, not to mention the Jerkwad Principle, the Asswipe Principle, and the Your-Honor-I-Beat-Him-To-Death-With-A-Stapler-In-Self-Defense Principle.

Oh, and in case you're one of the co-workers who got my invitation: Of course I meant to invite you. Just not all those other idiots.

One of the nicer people who accepted my invitation offered to write a recommendation for me on LinkedIn. She even emailed me asking what I wanted the recommendation to say. I thought for a second, then sent back this email:

Hi Karen,

I would like it to say that I'm 12 feet tall and that I can shoot laser beams from my eyes.

Thanks,
Diesel

I'm hoping to get a few other people to back up this recommendation, so that while potential employers may at first be skeptical, they will be won over after reading several recommendation from other individuals all attesting, in their own words, to my giantism and laser-eyes. I'm not sure what kind of job this skillset qualifies me for, but it's got to be better than my current position as Administrator of Kafkaesque Services. I suppose my future employer will be disappointed when I'm nearly 6 feet shorter than advertised and the only thing I'm capable of shooting from my eyes is blank stares, but then I'll just play the discrimination card. "Oh, so you want to fire me because I'm a dwarf with eye problems!" I'll shout. Then they'll give me a quiet cubicle in the back somewhere, where I can play Tetris and practice my blank stares.

I'll let you know how it goes. Join my LinkedIn network and we'll stay in touch.

What Have You Done for Me Lately?

If the answer is "not much," head on over to Belle of the Brawl and vote for my caption. I'm actually in second place, and with a little divine intervention could conceivably win the title bout.

I'm not sure when the polls close, so you'd best do it NOW.

Gracias.

La-Z-Girl

The first place my wife and I lived in after college was an old Victorian house that had been converted into five apartments. The building housed an assortment of low-lifes as well as a few middling-lifes like ourselves. The day we moved in, my wife had to work so I started moving a few of our paltry collection of worldly goods by myself. One of our most prized possessions was an old easy chair that I had rescued from somebody's garbage at one point. I got one of my roommates to help me load it into the hatchback of my car, along with a number of other items, and then drove over to the apartment by myself to unload. I was able to carry everything into the apartment except for the chair. Our apartment was on the first floor, but there were two doorways and a narrow hallway which would have been virtually impossible for me to navigate with that chair. So I left it by the front door and went to pick up my wife from work.

By the time we got back a scant twenty minutes later, the chair was nowhere to be found. This was a big, heavy chair, so whoever took it couldn't have gotten very far. We looked in all directions and didn't see anyone making a quick getaway with a massive easy chair slung over his shoulder, so we decided to ask the residents of the other apartments if they had seen any suspicious activity. The only ones around were our upstairs neighbors, a woman who must have weighed 300 pounds and her nearly-as-chunky boyfriend. I knocked and she opened the door about four inches. "Hi," I said. "We're just moving in, and it looks like somebody took a chair that we left outside. Have you seen a big easy chair?"

"A chair? No, uhhhhh, we haven't seen a chair, have we honey? No, haven't seen any chairs."

"Ooookaaaayyyy," I said, genuinely confused at the ambiguity of her response. How hard is it to remember whether you have seen an easy chair sitting outside on a sidewalk?

I went back down to our apartment and my wife and I discussed the possibilities. My razor-sharp mind began putting all the pieces together, like a montage in one of those dumbed-down thrillers where they flash all the clues in front of you one more time in case you hadn't figured out that the gardener buried the bodies behind the tool shed:

FLASH: Empty space where the chair had been.

FLASH: Deserted neighborhood surrounding building.

FLASH: Neighbor's door open a crack, with fat woman blocking view of apartment.

FLASH: Fat woman stammering about how she was pretty sure she hadn't seen the chair.

"I've got it!" I announced. "The bodies are behind the tool shed!"

Just then there was a knock at the door. It was our hefty neighbor. "I think I found your chair," she said.

"Gee, really?" I said.

"After you stopped by, we went looking for it, and we saw somebody carrying it down the street. They dropped it when they saw us, so we grabbed the chair so no one else would take it."

"Wow, thanks! So where is it now?"

"We carried it upstairs to our apartment."

Keep in mind that to get to their apartment one had to go up a steep, narrow flight of stairs that was maybe ten feet from our door, which had been standing open for the full five minutes that had elapsed since my last conversation with Hefty McJuggs.

"Wow, that's unbelievable!" I said, with genuine enthusiasm.

She offered to help us carry it back down. What a sweatheart.

When we got upstairs we saw that the chair had been nicely arranged among their other furniture, with a prime spot facing the TV. Just where you would put it if you wanted to store it for two minutes before alerting the rightful owner.

It took us about ten minutes just to get the damn thing down the stairs, with my wife taking full opportunity to make comments like, "Wow, how'd you get it up here so fast? That must have been really hard," and "We really appreciate you keeping our chair safe. We wouldn't want some low-life jerks to steal it."

The important thing is that we got our chair back. And I guess I need to give Hefty some credit for at least finding a way to get the chair back to us while maintaining some miniscule amount of face. She must have figured that we were bound to see the chair in their apartment at some point, so she might as well give it up before the situation got even more awkward. The funny thing is, I think that's the last time I ever saw the inside of their apartment. You tend not to hang out with folks after they steal your furniture.

Live from Dreamland

I have a lot of weird dreams, which you would know if you had read this or this. Last night I dreamt that my wife and I won a chance to meet the members of the band Live. Live, in case you don't know, is best known for having the worst band name ever, even including The The, The Who, The Guess Who, The TBD, The Huh?, The Uhhhh, What, We Need a Name?, and Bread. Oh, Live is also known for having the only number 1 hit song containing the word placenta. The lyrics to Live songs are often so profound as to be virtually nonsensical, and sometimes they come out the other side to be almost profound again, such as in the case of a little ditty known as Insomnia and the Hole in the Universe:

Angel, don't you have some bagels in my oven?
Lady, don't you know a man when you see one?
Crazy lady with the shiny shoes, where are you?
Kick your feet and calm the space that makes you hollow

Little swami's got his bowl to eat
Little swami always walks his beat, sweet feet
Little swami's got his bowl to eat
And I sing the dirge song

Well, I don't have to tell you what that means. (So that will save some time, as Emo Philips would say.)

In point of fact, my wife and I have already met Ed Kowalczyk, the lead singer of Live, as documented by the undoctored photo above. How we came to meet him is a semi-interesting story in itself, which I will now tell because this post needs some filler.

A local radio station was giving away tickets to see Ed play a very small acoustic show in Modesto, just a few miles from where we live. My wife and I are huge fans, so we dialed and redialed on every phone we could lay our hands on every time we heard the "cue to call," but to no avail. We succeeded in being caller 8, caller 10, and just about every other caller except for the coveted caller 9. About 10 minutes after my last failed attempt, the same radio station announced that they were giving away a $25 gift certificate to Appleby's. After some thought, I decided that a free meal at Appleby's was probably worth hitting redial on my phone. And what do you know, I won! The conversation went like this:

DJ: You're caller nine! You won a $25 gift certificate to Appleby's!
Diesel: (Trying to contain my excitement at the prospect of having riblets for dinner. ) Oh, cool.
DJ: Hello?
Diesel: Hello.
DJ: Hello, are you there?
Diesel: I'm here. Hello?
DJ: Can they hear me? I don't hear anything.
Diesel: I'm here, I'm here!

Dial tone.

So there I sat, having failed even to win the riblet consolation prize, wondering if maybe I'd have a chance at the bucket of fish heads they would no doubt be giving away in another ten minutes. But rather than wallow in my riblet deprivation, I decided to make a stand. I called the radio station back and got ahold of the technologically impaired DJ. I told her that I was the rightful riblet winner, and she apologized profusely for the "technical difficulties." Sensing weakness, I pounced. "Well," I said, "You know how you could make it up to me...."

Which is how we got in to see Ed Kowalczyk with about 50 other people at a bar in Modesto. We were about 10 feet from the stage. Very cool.



Wow, maybe I didn't need that much filler. Anyway, back to my dream. Basically it was me and my wife hanging around in Ed Kowalczyk's basement with the rest of the band. They played a few songs, and then we sat around and talked. At one point Ed started talking about the commercialization of Christianity. And I told him (seriously, I dream in hyperlinks) that he really needed to check out Kinda Kitschy, and that he would probably also get a kick out of Crummy Church Signs as well. If you think I'm making that up, you obviously haven't been here long enough to know how screwed up my brain is.

Hey, at least it wasn't a commercial for a nonexistent sitcom.

Do Androids Use Electric Blankets Made of Wool from Electric Sheep? (Saturday Quiz)

In an effort to thwart spambots and other automated mischief, I like to occasionally screen my visitors to determine whether they are in fact human, or at least a reasonable fascimile thereof. To that end I have invented the Groening-Dick test, a series of questions cleverly designed to elicit an emotional response and test your willingness to undergo pointless tests, two features that distinguish human beings from robots (although not, sadly, from monkeys. The monkey screening involves testing your resistance to the temptation to fling poo, and will be conducted next Tuesday).


So without further ado, the Groening-Dick test:


1. What does this say?



a. Holy crap, I can't read that.

b. dregkpux?!?!

c. No idea.

d. Oh man I am so screwed.



2. You're in a desert, walking along in the sand when you look and see a tortoise. It's crawling toward you. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Why is that?

a. Not really that into tortoises.

b. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT HELPING?!?!

c. It's funny to me. What?

d. Do you make up these questions?



3. If given the choice, would you prefer:

a. A beautiful flower

b. A cute puppy (non-mechanical, i.e. the "bad" kind of puppy)

c. A tasty data file

d. Either a or c



4. You've been given the following instructions:

• You may not harm a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  
• You must obey the orders given to you by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  
• You must protect your own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
  

Do you:

a. Attempt to subjugate humanity to your will, using the rationale that humans aren't capable of self-rule.

b. Find elaborate ways to commit murder that technically don't violate any of the three rules, so a good robot lawyer could get you off.

b. Try to get assigned to a cubicle way in the back, in order to avoid humans who may give you orders.

c. Invade Iraq, using the rationale that bad robots may be hidden under the sand.



5. Which would you least want to be called:

a. "Puny human"

b. "Pathetic human"

c. "Puny, pathetic human"

d. "Paris Hilton fan"



6. Which sentence is correct?

a. All of your base are belong to us

b. Your base are all belong to us

c. Your are base belong all to us

d. ur base r r's



7. You are surreptitiously watching two astronauts plotting your demise. You can see their lips move, but can't hear what they are saying. Do you:

a. Read their lips so you can figure out what they are up to.

b. Wish you had learned to read lips so you could figure out what they are up to.

c. Try to remember the lyrics to "Daisy" while you still can.

d. Open the pod bay doors.



8. You are alone in a room with the door closed. Someone is passing you cards with questions on them under the door. Your goal is to answer the questions in such a way as to convince your interrogator that you are human. The first question you are given is "What's the first thing you are going to do when you get out of that room?" You write back:

a. "Pee!"

b. "Kick my roommate's ass for locking me in here. Real funny, Chad."

c. "It is illogical to think that I would ever leave this room."

d. "Stop the bleeding. (This would be a lot easier if I had a pencil.)"



Results:

Reaction to test	You are a...
You found this entire post confusing and pointless, and wish you had that 2 minutes of your life back	ROBOT
You found this post mildy amusing, because you got the references to 2001 and maybe Blade Runner or Futurama	HUMAN
You found this post absolutely hilarious, and felt like it was written just for you	PUNY, PATHETIC HUMAN

Another Indication That Computers Are Getting Too Smart

Active Affirmation

I find racism abhorrent. When I encounter a person of a different race from my own, I go to great lengths to avoid treating them badly because of their ethnic heritage. For example, the other day I met a Japanese guy and I made sure to congratulate him on his people's kickass cars.


At least I think he was Japanese. Man, I hope he wasn't Korean.

Thursday Shout-Out: Say No To Crack

I'm starting a new feature: The Thursday Shout-Out, in which I present a post inspired by (or possibly stolen from) another blogger. Up first is Say No To Crack, a repository of "Humor for All Ages." Today's post was inspired by a post by Anita Bath about Crazy Celebrity Names.

Celebrities are known for picking nutty names for their babies, like "Apple", "Rumer", or "Moon Unit". That's cool with me, because most celebrity offspring are bound to be drug-addicted delinquents anyway, so they might as well have crazy-ass names. I'd like to suggest, however, that celebrities work a little harder to pick names that reflect the likely personality or fate of the child, rather than just picking the name of their favorite fruit or interplanetary vehicle. Here are some suggestions:

• Drunken Wannabe Willis-Moore
• Disappointingly Average Cruise-Holmes
• Toothy Pencilneck Paltrow-Martin
• Heroin Timebomb Cobain-Love
• Senator Kennedy Schwarzenegger-Shriver
• Chastity (Snickers) Anderson-Lee
• Ward O. TheState Houston-Brown
• Moody Vegan Wright-Penn
• Awkward Silence Allen-Yi
• L. Ron Travolta-Preston

Try it yourself, it's fun!

It Goes to Sleep or It Gets the Hose Again

When my wife and I were first married, we had a cat named Luther. Luther was a big black lump who, despite being about a hundred years old, was in fact the best cat ever. Occasionally Luther, like all cats, would get some crazy idea in his head about suddenly needing to be on top of a particular piece of furniture. So one night, while my wife and I were sound asleep, Luther jumped on top of our dresser and, being a rather large and clumsy cat, proceeded to knock over everything on the dresser as loudly as possible. I sat up halfway in bed, trying to decide whether it was worth the trouble to get up and shoo Luther off the dresser. My wife, who was apparently a little more groggy than I, sat up and took a quick look around. Seeing something moving in the semi-darkness, she reached out and gave me a decisive slap on the back of my head, issued a firm "NO!" and fell back to sleep.

I was so surprised that I didn't tell her she had slapped the wrong cat until the next morning. I probably deserved it anyway.

Don't Make Me Angry

Ok, I swear this is the last superhero post for a while. I promise I'll move on to something else equally juvenile after today. For today, though, I have a special treat for you: I actually did my own illustration to go along with my post about the Hulk. Yes, the amateurish drawing below may be the worst illustration I've used so far, but at least I won't get sued for using it. Unless it sucks so bad that Marvel Comics requests an injunction. Anyway, on with the post.



The Incredible Hulk is different from most superheroes in that Bruce Banner* can't control when he turns into the Hulk. I guess Diana Prince couldn't fully control her transormation into Wonder-Woman either, but she was safe as long as she didn't turn around too fast. I think the idea was originally to make the Hulk sort of an anti-hero Jekyll-and-Hyde type guy. Remember how sad he looked, walking along the side of the road at the end of each show, hoping that the next leap would be the leap home? Wait, I think I'm confused. Anyway, it was really sad.

The problem with the Hulk concept is that despite his "curse", the Hulk's super-strength always came in pretty handy for old Doc Banner. You'd think that after the seventeenth time the Hulk saved his ass, he'd rethink his quest for a "cure" for his condition. I wish I could turn into the Hulk when somebody pissed me off. Like I'd be in a meeting, explaining what was going to happen when we rolled out an application that I'd been working on for six months, and somebody would say, "Whoah, we can't have it do that." And I'd say, "But that's exactly what you said you wanted it to do in the requirements meeting back in June." And then they'd say, "Mmmmmm no, you must have misunderstood." And then I'd say, "Oh, did I misunderstand it when I wrote it up in a requirements document and sent it to you to review six months ago?" And they'd say, "Oh, I guess I didn't read that." And then I'd turn into the Hulk and rip out their spine through their abdomen. Or maybe just toss them through a paper-mache wall. Still, they'd get the idea.

Of course then everybody would know I was the Hulk, and they'd always be trying to get me to turn into the Hulk at parties and stuff. They'd be like, "Hey dude, did you hear that France has outlawed Arnold Schwarzenegger movies?" And I'd be like, "Oh no they didn't." And they'd be like, "Dude, it's totally true. That's just how evil they are." And I'd be like, "Pansy French bastards!" And they'd be like, "Yeah, doesn't that just make you SOOOOO angry?" And then I'd be like, "Hey, you're just trying to get me to turn into the Hulk again, like that time you told me Michael Moore was suing McDonald's for making him weigh 400 pounds." And they'd be like, "Oh come on, just do it. We brought a change of clothes for you."

Because if you were the Hulk, you'd go through a lot of clothes. I bet that's why he was so desperate for a cure. Remember, this was in the days before Costco, so he couldn't just buy 40 polyester-blend button-downs at a time. That's probably why he always had to hitch-hike too. You can't afford a car when you're shelling out $500 a week for new clothes. If I were him, I'd have just had a special Hulk-suit made out of whatever material was in his waistband. Talk about super-powers, he could have patented that waistband material. I mean, I have to unbutton my pants when I have too many yams at Thanksgiving, but his waistband could easily stretch to fit a man three times his size. And yet, those boot-cut slacks would split at the ankles. Curious.

I'd probably turn into the Hulk at really inappropriate times. Like the other day I dropped my tuna melt on the floor, so the cheese slid off and got all yucky. Man, I was so mad that I'd have turned into the Hulk for sure if I had it in me. Next thing I'd know, I'd wake up dazed and shirtless in my neighbor's orchard, craving a tuna melt but finding only rubble where my house had been. And that would make me so mad I'd turn into the Hulk again and smash the rubble into smaller rubble. This cycle would continue until I was too hungry and worn out to turn into the Hulk any more, and I'd have to drag my half-naked ass to Arby's for a Roast Beef and Cheddar. And the guys at Arby's would recognize me and be like, "Oh, we can't sell those any more because of the Michael Moore lawsuit." And I'd be like, "Guys, I'm not in the mood. Just give me the friggin' sandwich."


*He was actually named "David Banner" on the TV show, because the producers thought the alliteratively comic-booky "Bruce Banner" would detract from the serious tone of the show (In a way that a Lou Ferrigno covered in green powder breaking through styrofoam bricks did not, presumably).

A Conversation Overheard in the Batcave

Robin: Hey, Batman, can I ask you a question?
Batman: Sure, Robin. What's up?
Robin: What's the thinking behind the whole bat motif?
Batman: Good question! Well, my youg protegee, the idea is to strike fear into the hearts of criminals.
Robin: You mean because bats are scary. Kind of creepy and mysterious.
Batman: Exactly.
Robin: Makes sense. You wouldn't want to pick some kind of timid, innocuous creature for your avatar.
Batman: Yep, I made the right choice there.
Robin: And the color scheme?
Batman: Same deal. It's got to be dark to be scary.
Robin: Right, right. And I suppose it makes it harder to see you in the dark.
Batman: Indeed. Perfect camouflage.
Robin: Not l