A Bunch of Weird Things About Me

So I had this great idea for a post about how Spider-Man is the Antichrist, but I couldn't come up with any evidence except this:



Which is probably enough for these guys, but I was hoping to find something a little more damning. But let's face it, Spider-Man is just a pretty decent guy.

And then I had this idea for an offshoot of the scrapbooking line Creative Memories called "Painful Memories." There would be themes like "Nobody Understands Me", "Alone Again", and "Don't Take Pictures of Daddy When He's Drinking." I was going to come up with all kinds of depressing backgrounds with barbed wire, broken glass, Edward Gorey prints, etc. But after working on it for an hour, I realized that it was more depressing than funny. Between that, watching 2 hours of Battlestar Galactica and reading three chapters of Fast Food Nation, I had some pretty interesting nightmares that night. So I had to scrap the that idea as well.

Since I'm running short on material, I'm going to post Six Weird Things About Me, despite the fact that no one has tagged me (probably because the last person who tagged me found out I'm not so good at following rules). Speaking of not being able to follow rules, unlike some people whose idea of something weird is "I don't like vegetables," there are so many weird things about me that I found it impossible to limit the list to six.

So without further ado I present A Bunch of Weird Things About Me. You may suspect, after reading some of these, that I have a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome. You may be right.

• By coincidence, I live next door to a guy I went to high school with. Which wouldn't be weird, except that I live in California and went to high school in Michigan.
• I've always been bad at managing finances. I've never balanced a checkbook in my life. I'm also my church's treasurer.
• Both of my parents were English professors. My B.A. is in philosophy. Currently I'm pursuing a master's degree in the humanities. And I've never voted for a Democrat.
  
• When I feel lonely, I get a physical pain in my right hand (insert onanism joke here).
  
• Despite disliking math, never having taken a computer programming class, and majoring in philosophy, I spent the last 8 years as a computer programmer.
• I have a serious aversion to cheap velvet. Real, nice, velvet is ok, but that cheap velour/velveteen/whatever stuff totally gives me the creeps. I can hardly even write about it, it creeps me out so bad.
• I saw a UFO when I was 9. It looked like a profile view of the planet Saturn, but it was glowing orange and moving randomly about the sky. Eventually I got bored with it and went inside.
• I have a habit of calling my wife and children by whatever nickname pops into my head. Bubbles, Giggles, Goober, Bobo, Wuzzles, whatever. Anything except their actual name or something normal, like "honey."
• I got a perfect score on the verbal section of the GRE.
  
• I love imagining things twirling around, like a rock on a piece of string. I like the idea of centrifugal motion.
  
• I often experience sleep paralysis. Sometime I mostly wake up but am unable to move or even open my eyes. With great effort I can manage to move my head and eventually get my eyes open. It's generally pretty terrifying.
  
• I have a recurring nightmare that there was an error with my high school transcript so I have to go back to take one more class. I've had it so many times that at least once I've explained to the principal in the dream, "You don't understand. This is just like a dream that I keep having."
  
• I obsessively count in my head to time myself when I'm feeling impatient with a routine task, like walking to my car or washing my hands.
• I'm ridiculously healthy. I've had fewer than one cold per year for the last five years.
  
• There are certain phrases that I automatically use as a sort of mantra to distract myself whenever my mind drifts to an unpleasant or embarrassing memory. I seem to use the same phrase for several years in a row. Currently the phrase is "Let's say I've got fifty grand and I drop twenty."
• I find it very difficult to work without music playing. I generally listen to music all day every day.
  
• I dislike what I call "purposeless" physical contact. Hugs, kisses, and handshakes are fine, but I have a hard time sitting right next to someone on a couch. I absolutely cannot "spoon." Well, I could, but I'd be awake all night.
  
• I can hold my breath for 4 minutes.
• At 6' 2", I'm the shortest of my parents' three children. None of us can play basketball worth a darn.
• I wear size 13 shoes.
• I have a hard time focusing on what someone is saying for more than about 12 seconds. My mind automatically starts thinking about something else when someone talks. Despite this, I can generally remember the main points of a sermon or lecture better than most people. I just can't remember details, like when I'm supposed to take the roast out of the freezer.
  
• I can draw superheroes really well. Unfortunately, that's about all I can draw.
• I can do impressions of Kermit the Frog, Ernie from Sesame Street, and Sean Connery.
  
• My first, middle and last names each have six letters. 6-6-6, just like Ronald Wilson Reagan.
• I believe that there are very few foods that can't be improved by adding either raisins or bacon. I add raisins to my ham and cheese sandwiches.
• I've never left North America.
• Despite being known for my sense of humor and inability to take anything seriously, I've suffered from fairly severe depression since about the fifth grade. I'm fine now; I'm on medication. Thanks for asking.
• I have a very low threshold for breaking into tears. This trait is exaggerated by my depression, but it seems to be a separate physiological phenomena. I've never known another man who cries as easily as I do. It's kind of a pain in the ass, to tell you the truth.
• I seem to trigger false alarms with those theft-protection devices at stores at an unusually high rate. It's gotten to the point where I walk in a store, the alarm goes off, and I state loudly, "It's just me!" It could be my cell phone or something, but my wife has the same phone and it doesn't seem to happen to her.

Weird enough for you?

Mattress Tags: Six Weird Things