Bush Fiddles While Moon Deteriorates

In a ritual that is becoming all too familiar, scientists have once again announced troubling news from outer space. Despite repeated assurances from the Bush administration regarding prospects for long term lunar stability, it appears that the moon continues to disintegrate.

"At this point there seems to be little we can do," said Hans VerHoeven, director of the non-profit Council on Lunar-American Relations. After millenia of being pounded by meteors, VerHoeven noted, the moon finally appears near total collapse. "Yet the Bush administration insists that we must 'stay the course' with regard to the moon," VerHoeven added. "It's insane."

Terran Imperialism

Critics on both sides of the aisle have roundly criticized the Bush plan to require the Moon to continue to orbit the Earth at its present distance and velocity. "Release Earth's grip on the moon NOW!" read signs at a recent protest march which inexplicably occurred at a Taco Bell outside Redding, California. Denouncing "Terran imperialism" has become a favorite rallying cry of the those who sympathize with the suffering of the uninhabited sphere.

"First we send probes there looking for water," said Susan Jarvis, an unemployed Redding resident who attended the rally with her three unemployed children. "Well, guess what? There's no water. It was all lies. At least no planets disintegrated when Clinton lied about the Alpha Centaurians telling him to shag Gennifer Flowers."

An American flag now waves unnaturally over the previously pristine surface of the Moon, a harsh reminder of Earth's past meddling in the region's politics. The nonexistent locals, who might once have welcomed Earth's superior technology in their fight against the constant barrage of space debris, are now strangely silent. The schools are empty, lacking even buildings to signify their presence. The playgrounds are indistinguishable from the nearby cornfields, in which no corn grows. And every square foot of the benighted satellite bears the scars of billions of years of neglect and an atmosphere even thinner than Earth's tired promises to "send another expedition" some day.

Not everyone blames Earth for the Moon's problems, however. Ted Barnett, a student at Chico State University, was angered by the protesters. "Everybody talks about how much light we get from the Moon," he said. "Nobody bothers to mention how light the Moon gets from us. Anyway, get out of my way so I can get a f---ing gordita, for f---'s sake."

If You Are Indifferent to Something, Set It Free

The Bush administration has belatedly announced a plan to allow the Moon to slip 1.6 inches further away from the Earth per year, letting Earth's rotation slow gradually over the next 5 billion years. Critics argue that this is "too little, too late," and point out that the plan has to be renewed by Congress every four years. Democrats are worried that if they lose control over the House of Representatives at any time over the next five billion years, conservative Republicans will attempt to reassert Terran supremacy over the Moon.

"We've learned that you can't trust these lunocons," said Jarvis. "We've wasted enough of our gravity trying to hold onto a Moon that doesn't want our help. It's the same old story."

Is The Tide Turning?

Jarvis' own story goes deeper, however. It turns out that her son was Joseph "Woogie" Jarvis, a surfer who disappeared in a massive wave off Maui. She bristles at the idea that she is protesting out of anger at her son's Moon-related death. "My son's death was tragic," she says, "But the bigger issue here is why is the Moon in our gravitational sphere in the first place?"

Like an increasing number of disillusioned citizens, Jarvis drives a car bearing a bumper sticker that reads "Support the Surfers -- Release the Moon." She dismisses the contention that the moon might disintegrate even more rapidly if it is released from the Earth's gravity.

"That's a lie promoted by the Moon-mongers at Haliburton," Jarvis argues. Haliburton, the profiteering firm formerly run by Dick Cheney, has recently come under fire for rumors that it is building a gigantic evil base on the dark side of the moon, where it will be free from international scrutiny, heavy corporate taxes and five sixths of its current weight.

The Dark Side of Moon Policy

"Of course Haliburton doesn't want to let the Moon go," said Jarvis. "They'd like nothing more than to chop the Moon up into little pieces and sell it to Earthlings as moon rocks. And then they'd chop the Earth into pieces and sell it back to the Moon. That's just how evil they are."

The Terran public seems to agree. In a recent opinion poll, 58% of respondents agreed with the statement "Haliburton is an evil company," while 36% agreed with the statement that "Haliburton is an evil, fire-breathing lizard." 7% thought that Haliburton was "a small rodent indigenous to Guatemala, which subsists entirely on discarded cell phone batteries and coca beans." 76% said that they would buy Haliburton stock if they had the chance.

Jarvis and several dozen of her unemployed friends are coordinating another rally next week in Stockton. They are planning an aerial photo of the protesters, arranged in a crescent formation, simultaneously bearing their posteriors. The photo will be sent to the White House with the caption, "We've got your Moon right here!"

Meanwhile, the desolate Moon soldiers on, powerless to change course as it hurtles toward its inevitable doom.

Mattress Tags: humor Moon George W. Bush
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