Can't We All Just Get Along?

It seems to me that there is a lot of unnecessary strife in this world of ours. Since it's the beginning of a new year, I think this would be a good time to do what we can to eliminate the petty disagreements among us and live like the brothers and sisters we are in the great family that is humanity. This post is my humble attempt to encourage all of us, whatever our ethnicity, political persuasion, gender, or attitude toward pork products, to put aside our petty differences and focus on what unites us as a species. So here, for your considerations, are a few suggestions that I think could help us move in that direction. This is just one simple American's take on things, but I think if everybody would make an effort to follow these simple guidelines, we could make the world a better place.

1. Speak English. Imagine how many misunderstandings we could prevent if everybody would just speak English. Pretty much everybody important speaks English these days, so there's no point in sticking with whatever doomed language your parents are trying to foist on you. What language did Shakespeare write in? English. What language are the ten most popular movies of all time in? English. What language is the Bible written in? English. The other day I saw something on TV where two kids in Holland were speaking Hollandaise to each other. Now I know for a FACT they teach English in schools in Holland. So these kids were obviously just trying to be provocative. Speaking a foreign language when everybody knows you speak English just raises suspicion. You saw what we did to Iraq; don't be stupid.

2. Use dollars. Everything important is denominated in dollars these days, and frankly your hexagonal coins with the hole in the middle and your paper money with Queen Amidala on one side and a purple chicken on the other are just plain embarrassing. This is especially the case for those of you from countries that peg your currency to the dollar anyway. Your economy is too unstable to support your own currency but we're supposed to be impressed by the portrait of Jose What's-his-face on your peso? Do you know how big the U.S. national debt is? Five trillion dollars. So do you want a piece of that action or are you really going to stick with the purple chicken? Yeah, that's what I thought.

3. Drive on the right side of the road. You know why it's called the "right" side of the road? Because it's the right side to drive on. That's pretty straightforward. I don't mean to be overly harsh, but we invented cars, so we get to decide. If you invent something we'll let you decide how it works.

4. Be respectful of normal people's lifestyles. If you're gay, or Hindu, or vegetarian, or whatever, that's great. But keep it to yourself, would you?

5. Stop using the metric system. Our system is WAY easier, trust me. There are 12 inches in a foot, three feet in a yard, and a hundred yards in a football field. Simple, right?

6. Stop making us ask permission to fly over your country. We have important shit to do on the other side. You wouldn't understand.

7. Stop making Mexican food that tastes like crap. I am really tired of food in foreign countries not tasting like it's supposed to. You people in South America are particularly bad. You seem to think you can improve on Chevy's. Well, you can't. First of all, you don't use enough cheese. Good rule of thumb: You can never have too much cheese. Also, nobody likes corn tortillas. Chevy's would probaby fly somebody down to help you out if you're having trouble.

8. Stop making your own movies. You don't have enough money to make them any good. And nobody wants to read a movie (see #1). We don't mind making the movies for you. Also, music and TV. And books, magazines, and software. Consider it our gift to you.

9. Show some appreciation. We don't mind defending the whole free world from the Nazis, Communists and Islamofascists. But it would be a nice gesture if you would say thank you once in a while. Maybe have a parade for us. Oh, and you could pick up a check occasionally.

10. Use the term "American" correctly. I know that this is kind of confusing, so I thought I would get it out in the open for once. Here's the deal: People from the United States of America are called Americans. I don't make the rules, but that's the way it is. There's really nothing else you could call us. United Statians? No, we're Americans. Which means that nobody else can be Americans. If you live in North America and you're not American, then you're Canadian. And if you live in South America, then you're Hispanic or, more formally, Mexican. Pretty easy when someone explains it, right?

Peace and goodwill toward all of you, especially those living in backward countries where you don't have a bicameral legislature or Wal-Mart.