Congratulations!
You've just purchased a pair of novelty testicles for your truck, SUV or other vehicle.
With the purchase of this fine product you have joined the informal fraternity of novelty nutsack owners -- the three million men (and possibly women, although we doubt it) whose vehicles already bear the unmistakable mark of supreme manliness. Yes, you've joined our proud brotherhood at the peak of its popularity, and whatever your reason for waiting so long, we're glad to have you aboard.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: I hear people making remarks about "compensating for some shortcoming." What does that mean?
A: These people are jealous. There is no documented evidence that novelty testicle owners suffer from any sort of physical inadequacy. In fact, during a recent door-to-door survey most novelty testicles owners reported having genitalia as large or larger than the national average.
Q: Some people roll their eyes and/or shake their heads when they see my testicles. Why?
These people don't "get it."
Q: The women I know tell me my testicles are stupid and lame.
A: They're lying. Women love novelty testicles. When they are in the bathroom together they talk about which guy has the biggest novelty testicles and try to figure how they can get that guy to have sex with them. A very small percentage of women really do think your testicles are lame. These women are college professors who think they're too good for you, or lesbians. Often they are both.
Q: I'm concerned that my novelty testicles may soon go "out of style."
A: There is no need to worry. Novelty testicles, like the mullet and decals of a little boy peeing on things, never get old.
Q: People with small children glare at me as they drive past. Am I doing something wrong?
No. You're not the problem here. This happens because little Brittany in the back seat has just asked, "Mommy, what are those?" Brittany has to learn some day, so it might as well be when she's in first grade.
Q: How do I keep people from stealing my novelty testicles?
A: We recommend coating your testicles with rancid bacon grease. This will also help prevent corrosion.
Q: I think my girlfriend is envious of my testicles. Do you have any products geared more toward women?
A: Absolutely! We are constantly adding new items to our Scrotowear collection. What better gift could there be than a genuine leather Scrotowear purse?
And for those really special occasions, break out a Scrotowear pendant or earrings!
Order them for her today. You know she wants it!
Mattress Tags: humor
Listed on humor-blogs.com
You've just purchased a pair of novelty testicles for your truck, SUV or other vehicle.
With the purchase of this fine product you have joined the informal fraternity of novelty nutsack owners -- the three million men (and possibly women, although we doubt it) whose vehicles already bear the unmistakable mark of supreme manliness. Yes, you've joined our proud brotherhood at the peak of its popularity, and whatever your reason for waiting so long, we're glad to have you aboard.Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: I hear people making remarks about "compensating for some shortcoming." What does that mean?
A: These people are jealous. There is no documented evidence that novelty testicle owners suffer from any sort of physical inadequacy. In fact, during a recent door-to-door survey most novelty testicles owners reported having genitalia as large or larger than the national average.
Q: Some people roll their eyes and/or shake their heads when they see my testicles. Why?
These people don't "get it."
Q: The women I know tell me my testicles are stupid and lame.
A: They're lying. Women love novelty testicles. When they are in the bathroom together they talk about which guy has the biggest novelty testicles and try to figure how they can get that guy to have sex with them. A very small percentage of women really do think your testicles are lame. These women are college professors who think they're too good for you, or lesbians. Often they are both.
Q: I'm concerned that my novelty testicles may soon go "out of style."
A: There is no need to worry. Novelty testicles, like the mullet and decals of a little boy peeing on things, never get old.
Q: People with small children glare at me as they drive past. Am I doing something wrong?
No. You're not the problem here. This happens because little Brittany in the back seat has just asked, "Mommy, what are those?" Brittany has to learn some day, so it might as well be when she's in first grade.
Q: How do I keep people from stealing my novelty testicles?
A: We recommend coating your testicles with rancid bacon grease. This will also help prevent corrosion.
Q: I think my girlfriend is envious of my testicles. Do you have any products geared more toward women?
A: Absolutely! We are constantly adding new items to our Scrotowear collection. What better gift could there be than a genuine leather Scrotowear purse?
And for those really special occasions, break out a Scrotowear pendant or earrings!
Order them for her today. You know she wants it!
Mattress Tags: humor
Listed on humor-blogs.com
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Jerks, Pop Culture, Satire
| posted by Diesel at Monday, January 29, 2007 |
|
Leave a comment! |
I really want to have sex with those women; I'd also really like to write "tiny cock" on the back of that truck's tailgate with an RPG.
See, Diesel, this is SO much better than a fake news story.
I don't know if you knew this while you were writing this, but a doctor once told me that coating your testicles in rancid bacon grease is also a known cure for...
Wait..too much information..never mind.
BTW, can you enable the blockquote tag? It would be nice. (says the WP guy who has BQ, but who has a spam control system that randomly deletes posts and sends out hunter-killer droids)
Oh my. I was controlling my laughter until the 'purse'.
And I can discuss this statement with confidence:
A very small percentage of women really do think your testicles are lame. These women are college professors who think they're too good for you, or lesbians. Often they are both.
Having spent time teaching at the post-secondary level, I can attest to the truth of this.
-wolfe
I actually saw a truck with this a few days ago. I was speechless.
I think the truck pulled into a church soon after...
I'm sorry, but that's just gross.
Not your story, that's pretty funny.
I'm starting to see them on Hummers.
I have an online acquaintance who has declared it his mission in life to be Emperor of the World. He informed us that when he took over anyone who had these would be summarily executed.
Once I read that, I offered to be his enforcer and I am neither a college professor nor a lesbian.
Although if the choice was have sex with a woman or a man with bumpernuts...I'd have to think about that.
I so want those ear rings and necklace! That's hawt!
So these are REAL??? Wow.
LOL.. those got a nice laugh out of me!
Malnurtured Snay - I'll feed you ammo.
Joel - Thanks. And yeah, I really don't want to know. Sadly, my next 2 posts are probably going to be of the faux news variety.
Wolfe - I don't know if there's any way to do that on Blogger. I supposed I should switch, but I can't be bothered.
Pavel - I'm generally rendered speechless by them as well. Except for words like "#$*#ing idiot."
Robin - Yes, it is. I'm ok with the girlie mudflaps, but this crosses the line.
Somewhere Joe - I'm not going to touch that.
Logo - I'll throw the full weight of this blog behind his campaign to be emperor. And I hear you about having to make that choice....
Justmee - Sadly, I bet I could market them.
Anita - It's hard to tell where the parody starts, isn't it? The bumper nuts are unfortunately quite real. The other accessories are not. :)
Sanjay - That's what I'm here for. Thanks for stopping by. :)
Hilarious post, but I noticed that you ventured well into the PG13 category with this one. ;)
I remember now...
Fertility.
I only recently found out about these things, and I really wish that I hadn't.
That takes a lot of balls to post (I had to make a bad pun, could not have left otherwise). Call me a lesbain - but I don't think I'd like them on our cars.
I can see it now...
My family and I are driving down the road and a big SUV with those nutty things pulls in front of us.
My oldsest son will most likely say, "Ma! I have those!"
Not a good conversation after that.
That was hysterical. Remember those god-awful bug bras? I knew someone who referred to them as "foreskin attachments. I shudder to think what may be next.
OMG ROFL. Thank you. I needed a laugh!
My daughter says cool. You chop of the guys balls and wear them as ear rings. Instead of Jingle bells, it is Jingle balls.
I thought these were just an Eastern Oregon fad. I see them all over Pendleton. Usually attached to the back of a 4x4 that has been lifted insanely HIGH and accompanied by a decal of the boy urinating on something. I expect to see them on the 'pimped' tuner cars next... but dragging your set leads to chaffing. In which case, we need to take Joel's doctors advice.
Wait...they're supposed to go in back?
Diesel...
It's not often your comments section matches your posts in humor content...but Doug may have just done it.
Awesome! And just in time for Valentine's Day!
i'm just bummed they don't make these for a rear view mirror (which would solve Doug's problem, too, i suppose).
you know, if all our military vehicles sported these, that war in Iraq would have been over before it began. xox
Hammer - It is a little questionable, but I figure that if 6 year old Brittany can deal with it, so you can y'all.
Joel - I surefire cure for reproduction if there ever was one.
Jess - Me too. I'm hoping the fad has peaked. But then I've been hoping that about the peeing kid for 10 years now.
G - You're nuts.
Awaiting - Yes, but you know you've been putting it off for too long. That's what we call a "teachable moment."
csl - I have no idea what a bug bra is. Nor do I want to learn.
Rose - That would make me a little teste.
John - Ew. Chafing not good.
Doug - Mine are in front, but I drive a Segway.
Joel - It's always fun when Doug stops by.
Fab - Shall I put a pair on layaway for you?
Not sure why I was logged in as rkroese.
Neva - I'm sure you could hang them from your mirror if you wanted.
And you do NOT want an IED going off under your balls. Ouch.
How do I get me some of them there dangly earrings?
I know it's just me and my own personal sense of symmetry, but I keep wanting to "fluff up" the testicle that hangs a little bit lower. In nature is it always the right testicle or is that just for right handed men? If you're left handed, does that make you left testicle dominant and it hangs lower? Does this have something to do with "how's it hanging?" You think with all my years of manhandling, er, womanhandling, the little, I mean huge, buggers, I'd know more about them. I guess I was afraid to ask. Wow, this is the longest comment I have ever left regarding testicles.
I am laughing out loud because my brother is actually a proud owner of these ridiculous things. It is almost like you were there at some of the family gatherings when I mercilessly attacked his foolish purchase! See, just when you thought that NO one in the world would REALLY buy those stupid things! Of course being a huge fan of low brow humor, it has provided me with a good deal of amusement over the past year!
Jeez. 30 comments and only one "ball" joke. Clearly I'm in the wrong line of blogging. From now on: netherwear.
Holy crap! Look at all of these familiar faces on your blog these days!
Hi Justmee! Hi Sanjay! Hi Awaiting! Hi Rose! Hi Queen! Hi Hammer!
Next time you stop by to get contacts, leave me a comment (I mean more than, like three words). I still like to hear from you dude.
Cindra - If one more person asks, I'm going into business.
Kungfukitten - You've put a lot more thought into this than I have.
Queen of the Mayhem - You know, I think I laughed the first time I saw a pair of these too. But I've been driving 300 miles a week for most of the past 10 years, and let me tell you, the joke gets old.
Amoeba - This is a very high class establishment.
Dan - LOL! Yeah, you have so many nice, friendly people on your blog that it made me jealous so I visited about 30 of them last night. I figure you can't even keep us all straight any more, you get so many comments. BTW, Check out my humor-blogs.com post from a few days ago....
Diesel, haven't you and your shrink made any progress yet on your jealousy?
Of course I can keep you all straight. I have a special place in my heart for every one of you ... and you have become a major disappointment to me lad. You hardly ever visit. You don't call. Where did I go wrong?
And now I see you visiting every one of my friends except me. My heart aches.
Sniff, sniff ... (grabbing for a Kleenex).
KungFuKitten just wrote about balls for longer than all women combined have ever even thought about mine...and I've been married 7+ years. Geez.
Okay, last comment on this thread, I promise.
I had to do a double take, for a moment I'd thought you'd somehow managed to get Julia Roberts to model the Scrotowear pendant and earrings.
Dan - I did too visit you! I just feel intimidated when I'm like comment number 247 or something. I also blamed you when I visited all of your commentees.
I promise to stop by more often.
Joel - It takes some balls for you to keep coming back here.
Drive-By - I did, but I ended up having to use a face-double for the final shot. She's not aging well.
Dan/Diesel: geez -- talk about two guys in need of some balls. or in need of comparing who's balls are bigger. or trying to decide who's balls are in whose court (and/or blog).
yeesh, girls, can't you all just get along and/or at the very least, your own "comment spreadsheets"?
I would bet dollars to donuts that my inlaws own such things. Eek!
Diesel, are you laughing as hard as I am at Neva's comment? (I realize you can't see me laughing but I'm laughing pretty hard.)
She called us "girls". In other words, for our totally unacceptable behavior, she is saying that we are what she is! Isn't that just too funny? You think she secretly desires a sex change operation? That would be cool to blog about, actually.
Neva -- your last sentence is incomplete and, hence, incomprehensible. :)
Neva - I'm insulted that you think I have a spreadsheet to keep track of comments. I'm a computer programmer, dear. I have a complete comment-tracking system.
CJ - Do they need any jewelry?
Dan - My contractual obligations with the Snark prevent me from saying anything bad about Neva. You should see the freakin' paperwork they make you sign over there. I feel like I'm interning at the Gestapo.
Dan: 'twas merely a comment regarding your balls. or, i should say, lack thereof. : P
Diesel: about that paperwork...
Here's something fun to do.
When you're at a stop light, and you see those truck cojones advertising the amazing and clever wit of the driver, get out and snip them off.
When the light changes, the truck actually revs at a significantly higher pitch. Really.
Be sure to wash your hands afterwards.