As you all know, I'm a traffic whore. I labor under the delusion that if some day my readers outnumber the teachers who wrote on my report cards "Not meeting his potential," my desperate hunger for approval will at last be sated.To this end, I occasionally submit my site to blog directories. I don't think this generates much traffic for me, but I figure it can't hurt, unless the blog directory is called "Blogs That You Should Never Visit Because They Are Hella Lame." And even then, I'd probably submit mine, because how much damage could it really do?
Judging by the number of blog directories out there, somebody must be starting a new blog directory every time a Starbucks opens. Or maybe every time somebody orders a Venti Carmel Macchiatto. I think at this point there are more blog directories than blogs, and since every man, woman and child alive has 12 blogs, that's a lot of blog directories.
Anyway, the other day I ran across a blog directory that didn't list my blog, let's call it Not Another Blog Directory. So I dutifully filled out the submission form and waited for the hit to come rolling in.
Not long after, I received the following email:
Hello diesel,
Your blog has not been added to the Not Another Blog Directory. Due to the amount of submissions, we cannot explain the reasons for each. Most likely it is due to one of the following:
- blog is listed more than once in the directory
- site is not a blog
- blog is offline
- blog is new (must contain 5 posts and be at least 7 days old due to excessive spammers submitting).
- site contains nudity
- site is a shill site intended to simply promote products/affiliates
- site construes something illegal
If you believe your blog should be added, please contact us (be sure to mention what
your blog URL is).
-Not Another Blog Directory Team
This, of course, hurt me deeply. In an effort to mask my pain, I fired off the following email:
Hello Not Another Blog Directory Team,
I don't care. Due to the amount of blog directories, I cannot explain the reasons for not caring about each. Most likely it is due to one of the following:
- Your blog directory differs in no meaningful way from the 17,000 other blog directories.
- Your blog directory contains too many other blogs.
- Some of the other blogs suck.
- Your blog directory still has the price tag on it, and is wrapped in cellophane.
- Your blog directory uses a color scheme which reminds me of the wallpaper in my bedroom during 5th-7th grades. This was a difficult time for me. Thanks for bringing the memories flooding back.
- Your blog directory does not list my blog; ergo it sucks.
- You used the phrase "amount of submissions," when what you really mean is "number of submissions."
- Not a single blog about Jewish race car drivers.
- Tasteful nudity is what separates us from the animals.
If you believe I should care, please contact me (be sure to mention why I should care).
- Mattress Police "Team" (we haven't really been a team since we lost our power forward)
I'd give their real name and a link, but due to the amount of not caring on my part, I don't have the energy.
Mattress Tags:
humor blog directories blog promotion
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one day i'd for you to let your readers know where you have submitted your blog to. I'd love to have the readers you do.
Forget it, Diesel. Despite the explosive growth of blogs and blog directories, as it has since the early days of the Internet, the search for and delivery of pornography still accounts for, like, 99.99998623% of all internet traffic.
Let's see if you really are a traffic whore.
Show me your boobs or I'm not coming back.
Atta boy! Give 'em hell! That will give their crack team of customer service associates something to do for a while!
What a riot! I often think about doing the same thing myself, to people who send me OCCUPABT invitations to financial seminars. Huh??!! Yea, exactly.
D :)
What are your knickers all in a twist over - so somebody outed you as a shill? Who needs them anyway! They must have too many funny blogs - that's it. Loved your response - are you available for personal correspondence matters or say dealing with in-laws?
You tell 'em, Diesel!
Directories? you don't need no stinkin' directories (said one of your 6 devoted readers). i'm thinkin' you should write a screen play called "It's a Wonderful Blog" -- which has the heartwarming tag line: "Everytime a Starbucks opens, a blogger gets his pings".
and, for the record, tasteful nudity and *standards* (high and/or otherwise) are what separate us from the animals. xox
Hehe ... this was great. I think your problem was the topless drawing of you (AKA the Hulk). I was very offended, and I'm sure the directory was as well.
Be careful what you ask for ... getting tons (e.g. 10,000 visitors/day) of traffic to a great blog like yours is kind of like having a fancy dinner party with 20 of your closest friends, then all of a sudden announcing to your local college that you have free booze.
Sure, it'll seem great when 10,000 people all walk through your front door (after stepping over your ditches of course) and say "hey wow, look at all this free wine and cheeze whiz", but then they'll be off to the next place since they heard it has cheeze doodles instead.
You've got a fun and funny blog, and some really devoted readers. If you REALLY want lots of traffic, there are ways to get it, but more people can sometimes be counterproductive and lower the "fun" factor.
Sorry, enough postulating ... as another option you could always just go show mr. fab your boobs.
Citymouse - There's no all-controlling force that controls blog traffic. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
Al - Yeah, but that's mostly because one Pamela Anderson video requires more bandwidth than the collected works of Shakespeare. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield, "I'd like to tame her shrew!"
Mr. Fab - You callous bastard. Seriously, can you do something about those callouses?
FelineFrisky - I'm sure their crack staff is crafting a response as we speak. And probably smoking crack.
G - You think I could make a living writing sarcastic responses? That would be the job for me.
Robin - Thanks. I hope they come back and read all of your comments.
Neva - LOL! I'm pretty sure I'm stealing "Everytime a Starbucks opens, a blogger gets his pings" for a tagline. Just watch.
Anita - I know what you mean. I really feel like I've got one of the highest quality audiences around. My occasional marketing experiments do get some temporary results, but the cheap thrills seekers don't stick around long. And who needs them? But hey, if any of you have some discriminating friends you think would like this blog, feel free to tell them. :)
I told you that singing ass would be trouble. Tell me its not nude.
And what is with this jones for the teeming masses? Under the radar, D, that's where all the good stuff is.
Well, of course your blog "construes something illegal". It talks about tagless mattresses all over the place.
Somewhere Joe - Let's assume, for a moment, that you were writing a novel. Let's also assume that you need to convince a publisher that you could get at least a few hundred people to buy your novel. See where I'm going with this?
Joel - Yeah, I didn't get the "construes something illegal" part either. Whatever it means, apparently I'm doing it.
There's such a thing as a blog directory? I really, really must get out more....
Obviously the people running Not Another Blog Directory are a bunch of big stupid douche bags and it is their directory that is 'hella lame'!
hrumph!
Way to go, Diesel! Good job. Did you show Fab your boobs?
I bet you'd generate a whole buttload of traffic if you were to play my word game where everyone goes to read the fabulous and amazing entries!
Hey Diesel -
You should have just seen 50-100 visitors ... just the grab the beer and run variety though. If you're ready for some more, let me know ... they keep drinking all my booze!
;)
FYI: They turned my blog down too. LOL
Kat - You're not missing much.
Claire - Clearly.
Cindra - I'm lousy at that game. I'll see if I can find the time between writing bitchy emails.
Anita - Thanks! Time to get more beer....
Rose - Were you construing something illegal? WERE YOU?!?!
Anita has some very good points. I sux0rz at marketing. Hate it. I'm an engineer/professor at heart.
So, uh, the fact that her points comfort me is in no way ... oh who am I kidding.
Seriously though,
site construes something illegal
WTF? Is this Engrish at work? Did you submit your site to a PRChina search engine? Surely not! Construes!?
Oh, and, yes, you do have a good audience.
Best,
-wolfe
@al: only 80% pr0n now!
Hmm... this is a little evil. I just noticed that my clickable name on my posts doesn't lead to my blog. And can't. Because it's wordpress not Google (Blogger). Isn't that 'doing evil'?
My two defunct google blogs that lasted under a day because I tired of authenticating my identity by entering WS35DRMILUX every time I typed a character are linked, but not my WP blog. Boo.
Well, guess I need a sig.
Wolfe's Musings.
Wolfe - Can't you just click the "Other" option and type in the domain?
I've changed my tagline at the top of my Dispatches page to "Construing something illegal since 2006."
And if it's evil you're looking for, you're going to love my next post....
Diesel,
Claire is right: you deserve to be listed in every blog directory from here to eternity. (Hey, I just made up a new phrase. Look at me go! :o)
Anita's right: be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
Neva's right: the "It's a Wonderful Blog" idea has true potential.
And last, but certainly not least, Al is 110% right. I had to delete my most popular post after I realized that someone I know in real life might actually FIND my blog (God forbid). The post was about, yes, . . . boobs. Are we really all that simple? Yes. I think we are.
Angela - I'm definitely that simple.
Why call YOURSELF whore?
It's a name you have to earn like I did, honey, and you can't earn it sitting at your keyboard. The name must also be tattooed across your face by church women, or the PTA, or the synogogue, etc. Otherwise someone might expose you for the good, healthy, career girl that YOU REALLY ARE.
www.ruthieblacknaked.blogspot.com
Nice painting of whore. seriously, can I buy a print?
I've just discovered you through Rising Blogger, and I swear I'm going to have to catch up on some reading. Your writing is hilarious...and your fan comments are just about as funny.
That directory was one of the first ones I submitted to when I started blogging. They sent me more or less the same rejection email.
I think they reject just about every blog unless it has a high page rank.
Neva:
"It's a Wonderful Blog" is already taken. In fact, I just read on Google news that all blog names are now taken, and there are no blog names left.