Harvard to Settle Question of God's Existence

Officials at Harvard University today announced a bold experiment designed to settle once and for all the question of God's existence.

Recently Harvard has come under fire for rejecting a recommendation that all undergraduates be required to take a class in religion. Critics argue that religion is a fundamental aspect of what it means to be a human being, and that by allowing its students to avoid studying religion Harvard is producing graduates who are ignorant of one of the key psychological and sociological forces that has shaped human history.

Now the university has released a statement that attempts to clear up the confusion regarding the policy. In the statement Dr. Harold Emmets, the Harvard Dean of Reason and Objectivity, states: "At Harvard we value the principles of Science and Reason. When we are faced with an unproven proposition that is believed by billions of people, it isn't our job to simply dismiss it outright. That would be a clear sign that we're being just as biased and irrational as those religious wackos (not that there's anything wrong with that)." Emmets goes on to clarify the intention behind Harvard's policy.

"Our motivation is quite simply to test scientifically the hypothesis of God's existence. The plan is to remove all vestiges of religion from Harvard and see if God goes medieval on our asses in retribution. If the campus is subjected to a series of disastrous plagues, we'll know that there is a God after all. Once it is agreed by the executive committee that the hypothesis has been confirmed, we will repent of the evil that is in our hearts and institute mandatory religious indoctrination for all students.

"If, however, Harvard continues to remain plague-free, we will require all students to take a class called "'Why Harvard is More Powerful than God.'"

Either way, Emmet notes, once the experiment is complete all students will be required to take a class dealing with religion.

In response, fundamentalist leader Pat Robertson immediately called for all "true Christians" to begin praying for the immediate and gruesome destruction of Harvard. "Break out your weenies," Robertson told a cheering crowd of several hundred enthusiastic listeners who had camped out just off-campus, "Because there's gonna be a fire."

Robertson said that God told him the exact time and date of Harvard's destruction, as well as the method the Almighty would use. "I think He said He was going to send a ball of fire from the pits of Gehenna. But He might have said 'boys choir from the city of Vienna.' Unfortunately, my hearing hasn't been so great since God visited His retribution upon me for listening to Pat Boone on my iPod a few weeks ago."

Despite the lack of certainty regarding the exact manner of grotesque punishment God would use, the crowd was on the verge of ecstasy anticipating the imminent destruction of the belligerently secular university.

One spectator who was particularly excited was Josh Beeman, an Atlanta businessman and real estate mogul. "When the fire goes out and the German kids leave, I'm going to rush in and plant this on Harvard yard," Beeman said, holding a small flagpole bearing a hand-made flag with felt pictures of Jesus, the cross, and the Bible glued to it. "Once the land has been reclaimed for God," we're going to open a theme park called Conversion Land. We're going to have a swimming pool that can handle five hundred baptisms at a time and an authentic working replica of Heaven."

Harvard officials seemed frightened and confused regarding the gathering. "What do they want?" asked a bewildered physics professor. "Should we give them food?"

Visiting anthropology professor Jamaresh Hwarindi theorized that perhaps the protesters were "realizing the manifestation of the meta-societal dialectical process expressed in the collective recognition of the existential threat of the other."

In an uncanny parallel to Hwarindi's statement, Robertson suggested the Harvard faculty were "possessed by a legion of demons from the blackest pit of hell."

Hwarindi admitted that he was puzzled by the protesters' behavior. "I just can't figure out what's motivating them," he said. "All of their material needs seem to be met, and yet they are clearly angered by something. Man, it's times like this that I wish I had taken a class in that, whatayacallit, re-li-jun."

As of midnight Eastern time, the two sides had made no progress in the stalemate. Their only point of agreement was that neither side should make any attempt to directly engage the other in meaningful dialogue. Protesters burned copies of Harvard's statement without even reading it. "You don't need to lift the manhole cover to know the sewer stinks," said one.

In stark contrast, a statement by the protesters was greeted by the Harvard faculty with great enthusiasm. First the statement was ridiculed for its poor grammar and usage, then deconstructed in the light of a feminist Marxian framework, and finally recycled into rolling paper.

One department chair, who asked to remain anonymous, was heard to exclaim, "Whoah, that's good dogma."


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