In Superman Returns, the Man of Steel reappears on Earth after a mysterious five year absence, during which he supposedly searched in vain for remnants of his home world, Krypton. We are led to believe that he was unable to find anything left of Krypton, but I have learned from highly placed sources at Warner Brothers that this aspect of the film was actually altered drastically during editing to make it shorter and more palatable to viewers. I have gotten my hands on the original script of the movie, which details Superman's trip to Krypton. An unedited excerpt appears below.EXT. KRYPTON CITY. DAY.
Exotic buildings glitter in the ruddy glow of Krypton's red sun. A SPACE BUS marked "KRYPTON EXPRESS" lands at a SPACE BUS STOP. The doors open and several passengers wearing business suits exit. Among them is SUPERMAN, looking tired after a long journey. The bus takes off and the passengers disperse, leaving Superman standing alone at the bus stop with STEVE, a shabbily dressed homeless Kryptonian.
STEVE
Whoah, what's with the fancy duds, man?
SUPERMAN
Oh, it's sort of a costume. I'm Superman.
STEVE
Nice. I like the black and red.
SUPERMAN
It's actually blue and red. It just looks black in this light.
STEVE
What's "blue"?
SUPERMAN
Forget it. Can you tell me how to get to get to the El residence?
STEVE
You mean Jor-El? Sure, I can tell you how to get there. He's my uncle.
SUPERMAN
Your uncle? Then you must be....
STEVE
I'm Steve-El. Todd-El's kid.
SUPERMAN
Steve! It's me, your cousin Kal!
STEVE
Kal? Holy crap, I haven't seen you since you were a baby! Where the heck have you been?
SUPERMAN
My dad sent me to Earth.
STEVE
Earth? What the heck for?
SUPERMAN
I guess he thought Krypton was going to explode.
STEVE
Explode! That's crazy!
SUPERMAN
He used to watch a lot of the Krypton 700 Club with Pat-Ro.
STEVE
Wow. He always was a little nuts. Lately he's been wandering around in his bathrobe muttering something about "the horror."
SUPERMAN
So nothing here exploded?
STEVE
Just the real estate market. If your dad had bought you a condo in Krypton City instead of a spaceship....
SUPERMAN
I know, I know. Don't remind me.
STEVE
So what were you doing on Earth?
SUPERMAN
Oh, defeating supervillains, reversing the spin of the planet on its axis to turn back time, that sort of thing.
STEVE
Seriously?
SUPERMAN
Oh yeah, I'm kind of a big deal on Earth.
STEVE
How did you manage that?
SUPERMAN
Check this out: On earth Kryptonians have super-powers.
STEVE
No shit?
SUPERMAN
No shit.
STEVE
Like what?
SUPERMAN
Try flight, for starters. That's how I got here. Well, I had to take a bus the last few million miles because of the red sun....
STEVE
The red sun interferes with your powers?
SUPERMAN
Well, I get my powers from a yellow sun.
STEVE
Any yellow sun?
SUPERMAN
Pretty much.
STEVE
And there have got to be...
SUPERMAN
Millions of them, yeah.
STEVE
So if I had been born on basically any other planet than Krypton...?
SUPERMAN
You'd have super-powers, right. Ironic, isn't it? We were born on the one planet where our super-powers don't work.
STEVE
Man, we got screwed.
SUPERMAN
That's not the half of it. You know those green crystals that are all over this place?
STEVE
Death Rock, you mean?
SUPERMAN
Yeah, Death Rock. Believe it or not, Krypton is the only place in the galaxy that has it. The only way those chumps on earth have a chance against me is if they somehow get their hands on some of that stuff. They call it "kryptonite." Speaking of which, if Krypton didn't explode, where are those kryptonite meteors coming from?
STEVE
Oh man, Krypton's scientists have been shooting Death Rock at Earth by the ton. Trying to get rid of it, you know. I don't think they knew you were there.
SUPERMAN
I should hope not.
STEVE
So what other powers do you have?
SUPERMAN
See that building over there?
STEVE
Don't tell me you could leap over that building.
SUPERMAN
I could pick that building up and throw it into the sun.
STEVE
No freaking way.
SUPERMAN
I'm dead serious. Bullets bounce right off of me. I can see through anything except lead. Oh and I can make laser beams shoot from my eyes. Anyway, enough about me. What have you been up to?
STEVE
Well, I got laid off from my job as a Phantom Zone guard, so lately I've been reassessing things. I've got an application in for a job removing Death Rock insulation from old buildings.
SUPERMAN
Wow. Sounds like you've really, ah, done well for yourself.
STEVE
If I get the job, I could put in a good word for you.
SUPERMAN
Nah, that's ok. Actually, I've got a bus to catch.
STEVE
But you just got here. I thought you were going to see Jor-El.
SUPERMAN
I just remembered something I need to take care of.
STEVE
Really? What?
SUPERMAN
Well, I should probably check to see if they need me on Earth. September 10, 2001 was a long time ago. I have high hopes for the Bush administration to make some real progress toward world peace.
STEVE
Hmmm...
SUPERMAN
Oh, I also meant to cash in my Enron stock before I left. I should get back before the market peaks.
STEVE
Ok, well come back soon and let me know how it goes.
SUPERMAN
I'll sure try. You know how hard it is to get away from the yellow sun.
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Labels: Movies, Superheroes
| posted by Diesel at Saturday, January 06, 2007 |
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"He used to watch a lot of the Krypton 700 Club with Pat-Ro."
One of Krypton's foremost theologians, along with Jerr-Fal and Joel-Os?
Next time he should take the Space Train. It's much faster than the Space Bus and has fewer intermediary stops.
Pretty funny, Deez. Who plays cousin Steve, Pee Wee Herman?
Pretty funny, Deez. Who plays cousin Steve, Pee Wee Herman?
Even Superman isn't so super in his hometown.
Joel - Not to mention Ben-Hin.
Robin - I'll mention it the next time he swings by.
Al - Luke Perry, actually.
Goldennib - You can't go home again. Or shouldn't, at least.
BTW, I'm in the middle of transferring my site to another server and the Internet gods seem to be throwing dice at this point to determine which server my domain will resolve to. So expect some red kryptonite-like behavior for a while, if you know what I mean.
what a shame that scene was left out -- so many blanks were filled in so nicely! and i think it was lovely that Superman just "happened" to bump into his cousin the minute he got back home. but i still have one question: who the hell is Bizarro Superman? Cal's retared twin-brother, Dwayne? and, speaking of Dwayne, what happened to his face? a mishap at the Death Rock Spa? (bad facial, perhaps?) i'm confused.
that said, it's a shame to know about Jor-El's mental deterioration. i mean, his uncanny resemblence to Vito Corleone was unfortunate, but really, he seemed like a nice enough guy before he went all "Chicken Little" on his kid.
Neva - In the words of Matthew Broderick in The Freshman: "Your resemblance to the Godfather...."
It certainly does explain a lot, doesn't it?
Oh, and for you people who are even bigger geeks than me (Wolfe), I realize I mispelled "Kal." I'll fix it as soon as my hosting providers are done playing Rock'em Sock'em Servers.
"removing Death Rock insulation from old buildings"
The deadliest substance on their planet and they make insulation out of it...oh, those wacky Kryptonians.
Diesel, I hope they let you write the script for the next one.
i feel like such a maroon. i knew Kal's name didn't look right. yeesh. and i call myself a Superman aficionado (only to myself in the mirror, but still...)
Drive-By - It's going to be called "Superman Overstays his Welcome".
Neva - Ha! I caught it before anybody pointed it out, so technically it doesn't count.
That would have made Superman Returns much more interesting IMO. There needs to be more movies where superheroes stand at bus stops chatting away with other folks in tights.
Funny stuff.
"Oh yeah, I'm kind of a big deal on Earth."
Hee!
No wonder you're all confused about Kal and Cal. These days, everybody is. Other common mis-spellings include:
Cal-El Koppola Cage
Kal-El Copolla Kage
Cal-El Coppola Cage
Kal-El Koppola Kage
At Beverly Hills High, all the kids get together and crucify the one boy named "John."
Because, Beverly Hills is the Bizarro World.
OH, this made my day. I don't know what I liked more: Bus Stop Steve, or Jor-El freaking out and sending his son away for loony religious reasons. Heh, good read.
That was good. Must go thank Neva for recommending it. Thanks.
Any chance there could be some sort of return-return trip where Superman tosses Pat-Ro and Ben-Hin and all their cronies into the Phantom Zone?
Pleeeze???
Anita - My sentiments exactly. I'm thinking something like "Waiting for Jor-El."
Notaclue - Glad you got a kick out of that. :)
Al - Aha! Bizarro Superman was a victim of Botox gone wrong.
Pinky - Thanks!
Weirsdo - Neva is definitely my biggest fan. And you're welcome. Stop by again soon.
Spookyrach - I'd pay to see that. At least when Lex Luthor predicted mass destruction he had it on good authority.
That's at least seventeen times better than the real Superman Returns.
Jess - Come on, it wasn't that bad. I thought the part where he saved the plane was neat.