Regular readers will know that I am building a house. Irregular readers, unless they deliberately skipped that first sentence, are now caught up as well.I'm building a house. It's impossible these days to build a house without making regular trips to one of two places: Lowe's or Home Depot. Or, as I call them, "Slowe's" and "Home Despot." Yes, that's how damned clever I am. Add a letter to make a wry commentary on the store. Friggin' brilliant.
I hate both of those places. Don't get me wrong; I love the acres and acres of stuff that I need. But somewhere in South America there's a rain forest that's missing a lot of retarded apron-wearing monkeys. Because seriously, could they find any less helpful people to work at these places? And it's not bad enough that they don't know anything about what they're selling; you can't even get a dumb look from these people because they have been conditioned from day one to avoid eye contact with anyone who isn't also wearing an orange apron.
You know what I'm talking about. It's how I used to get free meals at the cafeteria in college. While all the sheep are waiting in line, mealcards in hand, you stride boldly past, your eyes affixed on something in the distance. Your body language says, "I am supposed to be over THERE. Not here. Here does not concern me. The only thing that matters is that I get over THERE, as quickly as possible." And the nice old lady or Canadian sliding cards through the scanner lets you past without raising an eyebrow, because it's pretty clear from the way you're striding boldly and actively ignoring her that you have serious business to attend to in THERE, and even if you don't, she's a food service worker getting minimum wage for sliding plastic cards through a slot, not the friggin' Secret Service.
Slowe Despot employees (see what I did there?) have made the Walk of Purposefulness into an art form. These people must train by running a gauntlet of customers trying to flag them down.
"What did Billy do wrong, people?"
"He made eye contact."
"And...?"
"He asked if they needed help."
"What should he have said?"
"This isn't my deparment."
"Very good. We also would have accepted, 'Let me see if I can find someone to help you,' or 'I'm on my break.'"
I thought about doing a post comparing the relative merits of the employees of each of the home improvement mammoths, but that would probably be about as interesting as a cricket match between Hellen Keller and Jabba the Hutt. So I decided to do a comparison between a typical home improvement store employee and an inanimate object. Shopping cars, in particular.
Availability
Unless you're shopping at 10 am on the Saturday before the 4th of July, the odds are that you're going to find a cart. Maybe not one of the big heavy lumber carts, but hey, it's not going to kill the kids to get a little exercise this time.
In contrast, unless you've got a taser gun, your odds of bagging an employee are far worse. And again, even if you do have a taser gun, the odds of getting one of the big heavy ones are pretty poor.
Winner: Carts.
Appearance
At older stores, many of the carts are pretty beat up. Still, they generally retain their overall pleasant orangey appearance.
Even at newer stores, the employees are pretty beat up, and have long since lost any orangey demeanor.
Winner: Carts.
Subject Matter Knowledge
The carts don't know much except how to go straight, and some of them can't even manage that.
Most employees can walk straight and answer simple questions in their area of expertise, be it TomKat, Brangelina or their stupid jerk boss who won't give them next Thursday off.
Winner: Employees.
Politeness
Both carts and employees tend to ignore you until you give them a little shove. The cart will then respond by moving a little in the direction you shoved it. The employee will generally glare at you and possibly shove back.
Winner: Carts.
Intangibles
Defective carts and employees both sometimes making whiny or rubby noises as they move. Often a cart will offer you a brochure of expired coupons and a half-empty cup of Mountain Dew. Often an employee will offer you a "Have a nice day" when you're buying a new hot water heater at 9:45 pm on a Sunday.
Winner: Tie.
Overall
Carts, though slightly dumber than the typical employee, are the clear winner. Avoid the ones that squeak and veer unexpectedly to the left and you should be fine. The same is true for employees.
UPDATE: Thanks to Jennifer for sending me this link confirming my feelings about Home Depot: Is Home Depot shafting shoppers?
Humor-blogs.com can be found on aisle 14. Unless we're out of it. That's really not my department.
| posted by Diesel at Wednesday, March 07, 2007 |
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all i know is that, every time we go into Home Depot, we find ourselves completely overwhelmed. i suppose it's the concern that "what if we forget something we don't really need at the moment, but will at some point down the road so why not get it now, in order to avoid another trip?" syndrome. whatever it is, it sucks.
also: they have carts? not in Norwalk (least not that we've ever been able to snag) -- which makes that "load up on as many light-bulbs/extension cords/mail-boxes as we can" thing so much more inconvenient and/or... difficult. xox
You don't know the proper technique for getting good customer service in a Home Depot. I'm here to help.
The essentials are a shirt skirt, heels, and mentioning something about the lubricant, nut, or caulk aisle.
This works every time.
"Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
"The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599.
"This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."
I know, I know, its off topic. But, somehow, it made me think of you. :-) Very funny post today, Rob.
Gee, the only people who get treated this way at our Home Depot are the nerdy,crabby, bossy ones. I'm sure its different at your store though Diesel. :>)
Oh man, that made me laugh a pitying laugh for anyone who has to be in there.
At least the uniforms are attractive.
Amazingly, HD and Lowe's employees get paid surprisingly well, at least at the stores around me (and in comparison to other retail outlets). Home Depot was offering $14-17/hour for almost all positions ... not going to make anyone millionaires, but much better than the $7/hour they'd make down at wal-mart.
Given what they get paid, I always expect better service as well. But then, I'm only ever buying knick-knacks and probably being bothersom
You know what bothers me the most about those two? They put their stores within 2 miles of each other. One of the two isn't going to exist one day and what is that community going to be left with? That's right a vacant 100,000 sq ft commercial space...so beautiful. You'll probably need a remodeling project to fix it up...wait, now I get it. That leads to the next generation of even bigger warehouse hardware stores for cleaning up large hardware stores. BRILLIANT!
I hate both places too, but you have to admit that they're both better than Bed, Bath & Beyond.
They told me at Lowe's the other day that their saw to cut wood would be broken for another 3 weeks.
That's like the Grease Machine at McDonald's breaking. What the hell good is the store without it? And what mysterious replacement product takes 3 weeks to arrive?
I think we may go to the same Home Despot.
Neva - We're a much more cart-driven culture in California.
Mist1 - I tried asking an employee if he could show me his caulk, but I got slapped.
Al - If boobs are off topic, I don't want to be on topic.
Kat - No, they treat the geeky, surly, sheepish ones the same way.
Jay - Never trust anyone over 30 wearing a bib.
Anita - They get that much? Now I'm really mad.
Furiousball - The meta-home-improvement store!
Dan - Agreed.
Joel - Reminds me of the time I went to Arby's and they were out of roast beef. I was like, "Why are you open?"
Busy Mom - Different places, same monkeys. Thanks for stopping by!
MSN was so distressed by this post they launched their own investigation this afternoon in an article titled: Is Home Depot Shafting Shoppers?http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing
/Extra/HomeDepotShafting
Shoppers.aspx?GT1=9215.
I always knew that you had sway with the big guns but now I see it’s true.
What you do with the store names by switching around some of the letters and stuff is very funny. Pointing out how funny you are is even funnier. I was at about a five on the laughing scale when I read the names, but when you pointed it out, I went right up to a seven. You speak the truth, Diesel. You are a prophet, probably without honor in your own country.
Personally, my trick is to wait till someone else is going and ask them to pick something up for me.
WAY easier.
Also makes the "Who can I blame for THIS screwup?" much easier.
You hit the nail on the head! HA HA!!
I'm so funny. You are even funnier. Seriously, you are 100% correct. I can only add that customer service at Petco is also extremely poor. Try getting someone to bag 30 crickets at anytime, don't get me started ...
HA! Apron wearing monkeys. I love it. I truly am in awe of the fact that you seem to be an involved hubby/father/writer/construction dude all at once. Wow. And I am especially in awe of how well you laugh at the stuff that makes you so frustrated.
Remember hardware stores? They were cool. There was a guy with really ginormous knuckles and sawdust permanently dusting the back of his hands who could scoop his big paw into a drawer full of nuts & bolts and magically come up with just the right thing to fix your bike.
Oops. My age is showing. *sigh*
Bahahahhahahaha!! You are one clever.....person. Loved this post. I totally know what you mean about trying to get help from customer service though. But what did you mean by "the nice old lady or Canadian sliding cards through the scanner"? LOL! That's the second blog post today that I've read someone say something to that effect. Too funny :)
this is sooooo true! here's a true example....i am painting my house. many moons ago i worked on a paint crew. we had these neat gadgets called brust and rollers spinners that made cleanup a breeze. i wanted to get one. now over the decade i've lived here i've painted a number of things. i have looked for 10 yrs for these spinners. i've specifically inquired and every time i get the blank look and cocked head of a puppy that is amazed by the darting flash of refelcted sunshine off your watch face and then....gee i dunno what that is, never heard of it.
a month ago i went in to buy more paint and looked again and asked again, expecting the same (it's almost a game with me now) the lady KNEW what i was talkign about and took me right to them! now it was my time to get the puppy look! i'm sure she was fired the next day for being overly helpful and effcicent
i try to stay away from those type of stores. they tend to be overrun with the male population and said population tend to give me the, oh, she's a girl, type of help. which, of course, is true sometimes, and i take advantage of, but i hate it when they try to convince me of something b/c they think i'll take it b/c i'm a girl.
Jennifer - I have updated the post with your link. Thanks!
Gawpo - This, after I hold your hand through Link-making 101.
Logo - That would be a long wait in my case. I might as well be waiting for Godot to make a HD run.
Claire - I stopped trying to bag crickets after college.
Cindra - Thanks! Usually I let one or 2 of those things slip at any given time, but I do my best.
Anonymous - We actually have a fantastic Ace hardware store in town, but unfortunately they don't carry a lot of stuff I need (like lumber). And of course they are way more expensive. Also way more helpful and knowledgeable.
Chrissy - I was wondering when someone was going to ask that. I went to college in Michigan, where there were a lot of Canadians who came there to go to school. They could only legally work on campus, so a lot of them ended up with card-swiping duty.
Lime - I've had the same experience. Occasionally someone will actually ask me if I need help and then be able to provide it, and I'm so stunned that I just want to cry or hug them. And I'm not even a girl.
Pink Drama - Honestly I think that very few of them are even vested enough in their job to try to make you buy something.
I find that a useful tactic, or at least punishment, is to approach a worker and stand directly in front of them.
When they look up from stocking, or talking to another monkey or whatever, ask them, "Excuse me. What department do you work in?"
When they answer, say, "Wonderful! That's exactly what I need help with." Then proceed to ask them every asinine question about that department that pops into your brain.
Glad to know I'm not the only person who buys live crickets at PetCo. Don't even try asking for them in 'dozens' as the concept of multiplying by 12 is far beyond their capability. Sadly, their staff is a cut above PetSmart. Giant misnomer.
For me, the worst thing at those places is that if you ask where something is they'll tell you" "aisle 4," but aisle 4 is 17 miles long with roughly a bazillion items. It's dizzying.
I am serious about my laughing, Diesel. I never kid about laughing, man. You should know me better by now. Serious as a myocardial infarction about my laughing. And that was just about subtle Dieselian humor. The blatant stuff makes me go to eleven.
Pointing: You! You! You!