Note: This is the conclusion of the Saga of the Missing Front License Plate. You can read the first part here, but to be honest it's not like this is going to make any more sense if you do.At the end of the first part of this story, I had decided to go to court to clear up the charge of Aggravated Procrastination. To do this, I needed to go to the court office first thing in the morning and get my name on the list. So I showed up that Wednesday at 8:30 am, went home for 4 hours (during which time I admirably remained almost completely sober), then turned around and drove back to the courthouse. As I entered, I was promptly examined by a swarthy security guard with a thick accent who was wearing a turban and had a beard down to his waist. I decided, in a remarkable display of high-mindedness, not to find this the least bit ironic.
While I waited in line I noticed a sign that had been pasted to the wall. It read:
No ShoesI considered asking how many tank tops I was expected to bring into court; whether I was supposed to wear them or carry them in a bag; if the judge had a color preference; etc., but decided against it. Again, do not aggravate people who know a lot of people who carry guns, no matter how confused their signs are.
No Shirt
No Tanktops
No Court
The actual court proceedings were rather uninteresting. It was an awful lot like Night Court, actually, except that it wasn't night, and the judge didn't do any magic tricks. Surprisingly, though, Mel Torme did show up for a cameo.
The judge eventually called my name, and I pretended I didn't know English. "Nolo contendre," I said, and the judge smiled and told me that he would knock the fine down to $110 bucks. I could hardly believe my ruse had worked. Silly judge, I thought. I've got this guy wrapped around my habeas corpus.
It turns out that $110 actually means $130 in government dollars. Seriously. California passed a law after 9/11 legislating that any fine is actually $20 more than it is. They didn't actually increase the fines; they just said, "Whatever your fine is, it's still that same amount. Oh, and give us another $20 for, um, security." Because when you steal $20 from millions of Californians, you need a lot of security.
So then I got to wait in line again, this time to hand them my check for One Hundred Ten Dollars and 2000/100ths. While I waited at the Traffic Offenses window, various low-lifes and victims of low-lifes came and went at the Miscellaneous Grievances window (It may not actually have been called that). One guy seemed to be tagging along with a friend of his, who was involved in some kind of domestic dispute. Either he had requested a restraining order against someone, or someone had requested a restraining order against him, or he and someone had filed a mutual restraining order against each other, or something along those lines. Anyway, when the guy was done, his friend walked up to the window and said, "Can I get one of those?"
This surprised me, as I had never thought of a restraining order as an impulse purchase. Apparently the clerk had made it sound so appealing that this guy had been sold on the concept. Well, almost sold. "Do I have to fill out all those papers?" he said. Rule of thumb: If ten minutes of paperwork is too much of a hurdle for you to get a restraining order, you may want to reconsider whether a restraining order is really the right choice for you. Maybe you'd be interested in our Change Your Phone Number and Stop Wasting Tax Dollars on Your Domestic Squabbles program?
Anyway, I paid my fines, so I'm back in the good graces of the state of California. I'm sure they're happy, because now that I have both license plates on my car, they can literally get me coming and going. Actually, now that I think about it, if I had had both license plates when the cop pulled me over, I probably would have gotten a huge speeding ticket, since he wouldn't have had the option of giving me the license plate ticket instead. I should probably take that front one off again, just in case. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow.
All in all, it wasn't such a bad experience, although it did take up a few hours of my day. I drove like a madman all the way home. Places to go, things to do.
At humor-blogs.com, you may not know how fast you're going, but at least you'll know where you are.
Labels: Anecdotes, Driving, Exemplary Police Work
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Do you think it could be a bit ironic that I get a ticket yesterday after reading your post the day earlier and then read another post with a cop joke on it? I have to appear also-for and out of date license. The cop pulled me over for "rolling the stop sign". Those things are hard-how did I'd like to fight it. But alas, he only gave me ticket for the out of date license. He then proceeded to blow right through the stop sign I had pulled over by.
I was tempted to pursue and make a citizen's arrest.
Good thing the judge didn't know Spanish. Now, what kind of "corpus" did you say you had him wrapped around?
Just think, if you'd been female with great legs, you could have avoided this altogether. Glad nobody had to bail you out of jail Diesel.
I'm glad to see that you're back in the good graces of the state of California, because I hear their make-up sex is fantastic.
Oh yeah, you might want to consider one of those restraining orders for Mel Torme because he's been dead since '99.
2000/100ths.
My adoration of your blog is just in details like that (and the Mel Torme/NIGHT COURT reference, and, and and)
Once, my wife got a speeding ticket, and before the cop gave it to her, he said, "Wow! If I'd known how cold it was I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Thanks officer.
...and a good time was had by all. The End. *sniff* that was beautiful, Diesel, really beautiful. i was riveted from start to finish, i really was. in fact i've thought of nothing BUT this ticket of yours since your FIRST post on the subject two days ago. so you can imagine my relief in finding out your ordeal is behind you, once and for all.
okay -- i'm off now to poke a few sharp sticks in my eyes. let me know when you have more law-wrasslin' tales to share, lord knows i wouldn't want to miss anything. not. one. single. word.
oh yeah -- this goes in your "Sock Drawer ~ Darn These Things, Anyway" book, for sure! too funny my friend. and not at all brief. xox
HA! This is some funny writing you got here.
Nearly chocked on my beer when I got to the Turban Beard.
Well, gotta go. Keep these funny post coming! I've got things to see and people to do. :p
The only way I could respect this story more is if you come on these comments and say that you actually filled out your check with 2000/100ths.
Please?!?
Dude, is that car a 197X? Time to upgrade to, like, a 1980somethin.
Before you dissected it, I thought that "No Tanktops" sign was wrong too. It should have read just "Tanktops", but then that wouldn't have sounded right either.
I would have had a very hard time holding my tongue on that one - and for sure would have paid extra for my smartass comments.
You're crazy, you're funny - I'm smiling - thanks...
LOL
"Can I get me one of those restraining order please, a speeding ticket while you are at it and I wouldn´t mind a look at the mug shots either, I must be in there somewhere!"
Some people have way too much money!
:)
Wait a minute! I'm confused. Did the sign mean they were out of those things or that you couldn't have those things? And in either case, why did you have to go to court then? I'm confused.
At least in California they call it "security"....."20 bucks extra for, um, security" - here in Vancouver they just plain tell you to your face "20 bucks extra cause you're an idiot and you'll pay it, so we'll keep adding to the cost"
Must be a west coast thing ... you think they'd get away with it anywhere else?
I loved the Heisenberg part. ^_^
If you moved back to MI you could forget all about that plate, you know.
d,
I'm flattered that 10 minutes of paperwork wasn't worth the aggrevation to get a retraining order against me! :0)
I was telling 'theresa' that in NY they call a rolling stop, a 'California Stop'. What's up with that? Why not an Idaho stop? or a Kansas stop? There's nothing to stop for out there, so I can see how people would just roll through stop signs.
M-Snay~ it looks like a Mazda RX7.
If it is, it's a classic!
Wreckless - That same day a friend of mine got pulled over for speeding but the cop gave him a ticket for his missing front license plate. Seems like it's going around.
Theresa - Wow, that was Spanish? I'm bilingual! And not just in the way I thought!
Kat - I do have rather shapely legs, but I'm too lazy to shave them.
Linusmann - I'm lucky California doesn't make me sleep on the couch.
Jocelyn - I'm glad that joke was worth it. I almost had to call Joel for help with the math. I'm still not sure I got the decimal in the right place.
Gregory - It is an arbitrary system at best.
Neva - If I run out of material, I'm going to go on a crime spree. Or at least a crime jaunt.
MacBros - I seriously thought the guy was some confused old man before he started feeling me up. Come to think of it....
Joel - I will lie for you because I care about you just that much. I really did write that on my check.
Snay - As you can clearly see from this and my previous post, it's 1993 Nissan 300ZX. She's my baby.
Harmonica Man - I was VERY close to saying something about it, but I figured either (1) lots of people had pointed it out and they were sick of it, or (2) they would nod and smile and ignore me.
Beth - That's what I'm here for. Thanks!
Minka - And too much free time.
Jami - I've got another sign that I took a picture of that I'm going to post pretty soon. I love signs that say exactly the opposite of what they mean.
Vancouver - Interesting. I guess they can't call it "security" because who would want to bomb Vancouver? That's just mean.
Candace - I'm thinking.... No.
Zoning - Don't be so hard on yourself. I've already bought a rottweiler and a shotgun because of you.
You really need to learn to sweet talk better...then you wouldn't have these problems!
Check on your rabbit buddy! }:0)
I'll have to ask Mr. Gawpo, Sr if he has ever sat in Ripon. He is "retired" but works a lot as a pro tem all up and down the Big Valley and beyond. He had Slim Pickens in his court when he was a visiting judge in Riverbank once. He found him not guilty. He would have asked if you'd put the plate on. If you had, he would have saved you a ton of money, plus twenty bucks. Actually, I know that he has presided in Ripon. I remember him telling us a story about some kid who landed in his court. Don't recall the details right now, though.
Sometimes I make my checks out by writing the word "American" so that it occurs right before "dollars." In that case, I don't include the fraction of 100ths. Never had one kicked back.
Hey Wreckless----you actually could file a complaint on that cop. What a dork (the cop, not you). Being cited for one violation only is called "selling the ticket." Often they will let you slide on the faulty tail light or the missing front license plate just to make you take the speeding ticket a little easier. Like you were at Safeway and got the two for one tri tip when it really wasn't even on sale. If you let your registration lapse more than two weeks, you pretty much are going to be holding a goldenrod slip of paper. Older cops will give you a month or even more. I'm thinking you got jacked by a youngster.
I suggest you stop twice at the next one.
I just love your take on life - brilliant! Thanks for making me smile.
This one made me spew. But in a good way! I live in Nightcourt world. Especially love the line about 'knowing a lot of people who carry guns'.
Sigh...
Damn you're funny! I'm worried now that I'm reading the comment from Wreckless. Hopefully I will remain both wreckless and ticketless after reading both of these! Cheers to you, my friend!
Oh, and p.s. Kat isn't entirely correct. When you're sitting in the car, they can't SEE your legs. (That's when a good smile helps.)
I'm getting too old for that, though. They just ticket me now. :( Boo Hoo.