California Town Fights Influx of Wal-Mart Shoppers
Ripon, California has escalated its struggle against big box stores such as Wal-Mart by taking aim at what it sees as the root of the problem: Wal-Mart shoppers. "We evaluate any prospective residents against a profile of the typical Wal-Mart shopper. Poor folks, single mothers and morbidly obese people are generally not allowed to move into town. When a community-destroying corporation like Wal-Mart looks at our city, they see that it's populated with snooty rich folks who frown on unreasonably low prices, not to mention child labor." City councilperson Karen C. Nautigan chafed at the suggestion that the policy was tantamount to discrimination. "We have no problem with blacks, gays, or any other group. Well, we are a little suspicious of the blacks. But only because of the crime and poverty they bring."
Ripon Farmer in a Quandary: Apples or Oranges?
John Kort of Ripon, California recently acquired 40 acres of farmland with the intention of planting apple trees, but now he is having second thoughts. "The other day someone suggested it might be better to plant oranges," Kort said. "I was really set on apples, but oranges make sense too." Kort asked around, but found no one with the expertise to help him decide between the two types of trees. Finally he sought help from the agriculture department at the University of California at Davis. UC Davis is one of the nation's premier centers of agricultural expertise, but Kort found no help there either. "This really is a pickle," said Tim McSweeney, head of the university's agriculture department. "We simply can't find any basis for comparison between the two fruits." McSweeney plans to request an $80 million federal grant to study the problem.
Fundamentalists Change Tactics in Fight Over Ten Commandments
The CMD will start by proposing a constitutional amendment with the text of the first commandment. The amendment reads simply:
I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me."I don't see how anybody could be offended by that," said Bazeer. "It's simply a statement by the Almighty God saying that we should all worship Him to the exclusion of all other gods."
Bazeer dismissed the idea that the Acknowledgment of the Supremacy of the Almighty God Amendment violates the principle of the separation of the church and state. "The term 'separation of church and state' doesn't even appear in the text of the Bible," said Bazeer.
"You mean the Constitution?" asked a reporter.
"Er, yeah, Constitution," said Bazeer.
Ford Halts Development of New Vehicles, Citing Shortage of Good Car Names
Automaker Ford, Inc. today announced an indefinite hiatus in the development of new automobiles. CEO Alan Mulally explained that Ford had simply run out of names to give to any new vehicles. "The Mercury Mariner was kind of our last gasp," Mulally said. "And even that name was borderline unusable." A class action lawsuit was recently brought against Ford by consumers who attempted to use the Mariner as an amphibious vehicle.
Some analysts have traced Ford's problems to an unwillingness to make up new words, as GM has done with the Alero, Lumina, and Aztek. "We're not going down that road," Mulally said. "Where does it stop? I mean, Kia has just released a car called the Magentis. What the hell is that? If I bought a Magentis, I'd feel compelled to drive it straight off the lot to my vasectomy appointment."
Other car companies are also feeling the car name pinch. Executives at Volkswagen are rumored to have held several all-night car-naming sessions during which they channel surf between ESPN and the Discovery channel while under the influence of psychotropic substances. These sessions are thought to be responsible for the names Golf, Phaeton, Polo and Touareg. When asked to comment on the inspiration for these names, a senior Volkswagen executive responded, "We named a car WHAT?!"
Get the latest news and up-to-date suspicions regarding the weather at humor-blogs.com.
Labels: News Briefs
 Stumble it!
|
 Digg it!
|
 
|
Leave a comment! |
Utterly baffling how we as humans survive given the stupidity of what you read.
Speaking of car names- the nova translates into "no go" in spanish. Great name.
So Ford can't think of any more good car names.
And apparently Diesel can't think of any more good fake names for news stories :)
Hmm...the news out there is a lot more interesting than it is here. Of course, everyone knows people who live on the West Coast are loony...
Haha! Vying for a job with The Onion?
Robin, that is not true! Its those people in the middle you have to watch out for!
I just love coming here to get all my news updates. Between you, the Onion, and The Daily Show, I really feel I know alot about the world I'm living in.
It was the Honda Fit that let me know that we are running out of car names. Although, I would like to tell people that I had a Fit in the parking lot.
As for me, I drive a Ford Stigmata. It has rust spots and leaks oil.
Hmmm ... I bet there's lots of money in oranges nowadays. Orange juice has almost doubled in price at our local wal-mart!
Wreckless - And yet, I'd still rather have an American car in Mexico than a Mexican car in America.
Joel - Come on, that was an homage!
Robin - It helps that the reporters are a little loony.
Howard - What are the hours?
Logo - There are people in the middle?
Mist1 - I would totally buy the Ford Stigmata. My car broke down in San Francisco once and the mechanic said I needed a new tranny. Pervert.
I can't get past the first article!
Are you sure this didn't come from down South somewhere? What kind of town do you live in?
Maybe if they watched cartoons instead we'd have the Bugs Buggy, the Sylvester Suburban, the Daffy Dodge, and the Porky Pacer. What could be cooler than driving around in a Road Runner? (Diesel, that's the car you need so they don't catch you next time) Meep-meep.
i'm dying to know what that farmer's going to do -- i'm guessing he'll take the Davis expert literally ("this really is a pickle") and plant cucumbers...
based on my oldest son's latest attempt to get "high", i'm thinking the VW 'Tussin might be a great name. also, why can't Ford take the cheesy/unimaginative route, and name a car "Drof"? the Ford Drof -- i know i'd buy one... for my son, that is. xox
I wish I knew. I'm sure they are damn fun to work for at the least.
you keys, by the way, are in your sock drawer. ; p xox
I won't say, like I've said countless times before, that you should be writing for the Onion.
Joel Bazeer? That sounds kind of familiar. ;)
Your news story about Ford's trouble naming car models hit home with Monstertruckman. I blogged about this
at http://monstertruckman.typepad.com/monster_trucks_on_the_roa/2007/04/mattress_police.html
Dear Diesel,
How'd you get to be so funny, Sporty Spice? Mom eat a lot of Pop Rocks and Goobers when you were chillin' in her oven?
At first I thought that you had missed your true calling as a journalist. Then I realized that YOU HAVE missed your true calling. Fortunately, there is still time to make it right! (write) hahahaha
It's also fortunate that you don't mind working for peanuts, coming home long after the sun has set and never having a holiday off. Now that's a calling, I tell you. You're missing it, buddy. You're good.
Remind me to tell you the story of the time that Jon was interning at a local radio story and they read his fake copy on air -- oh, never mind. I just told you. You should do that. It would be great!
Now, these are the kind of news stories I can handle. We desperately need your "take" on life and reporting skills here in Toronto.
just wonderful....
The one thing I learned from today's far-too-frequent trip to Wal-Mart was that the shoppers there are slow. They walk slow, are indecisive and generally overweight and sloppy in appearance. A mumu does not constitute clothing for "stepping out" in.
A serious camparison of apples and oranges in long overdue! I hope the grant goes through.
Zoning - I may have exaggerated our town's insularity. I hear they let Mexicans in on the weekends now.
Theresa - Those seriously beat a lot of the stupid car names out there now.
Neva - Or maybe the Mazda Methamphetamine? Honda Heroin?
Howard - I bet they chain their writers to steel desks in an underground labyrinth and only feed them when they write something really funny.
Neva - Aha! I knew it was about time to clean out the sock drawer again.
Gregory -All those crazy fundamentalists sound alike.
Harry - Cool, I'll check it out.
Sher - I've heard from reliable sources that it was something like that, yes. Oh, and the vodka.
Angela - Don't worry, I'm back to digging ditches.
Beth - As long as no real news happens, I'm in.
Citymouse - Why, thanks!
Sornie - I just pretend they're cattle.
G - I don't have much hope for a resolution. Comparing them is like... well, it's hard.
Maybe they should start naming cars after mixed drinks... or maybe not.
Judging by the large amount of what appears to be water on his property, Mr. Kort might want to consider planting rice instead.
I realised car manufacturers had given up when the 'Ka' was released.
Or maybe that should be spelt 'Kar' for you Americans...
i love car names.. they are getting more ridiculous every day.
i like the tundra.
comment whores that we are -- i believe you should simply "add" an item to this fabulous post, in order to pim..er...promote the post you did today on the SNARK.
maybe something classy and/or understated, like: Ooh Ooh! Look at me! I'm so talented, not only did I write THIS clever and/or hilarious post, but I did another one on another blog! Go read it! And comment! And then come back and comment again, here! Whee! (okay, maybe you can leave that last part out)
just a thought... ; )
G.S. - Like the Mazda Margarita? The Aston Martin Martini? It could work.
TDB - Look, it was the best pic I could find on google, ok? It's not like there are just farmers all around me that I can take pictures of.
Lonie Polony - I actually thought the K car was the end.
Mindy - Or how about the Avalanche? Nothing like naming a car after something that tumbles wildly out of control and kills hundreds of people.
C.A.N. - Nah.
Fake, but almost indistingushable from truth.
apples / oranges was perfect!
I'M NOT MEXICAN! :0)
It's an inside joke I share with a few of my freinds who know how to push my buttons. It's something they would have said directing it at me! :0P Have you been talking to them?
Diesel, that's hot. Tell them to call me.
I had made through you post without injury until I got to the car names, at which point I laughed until until I pulled a lung.
You need some sort of disclaimer on these things. They are just too dangerous to leave lying around.