May the Force Be With Me

Occasionally in my periodic journeys across the blogosphere I will run across a particularly erudite blogger decrying what they refer to as "organized religion." Now as you'll know if you've been around here for a while, I am a religious person. On the other hand, as you'll know if you've had a chance to inspect my sock drawer, I'm no advocate of organization. The solution to my plight would seem obvious, but I have as yet failed to locate a denomination that is sufficiently disorganized to meet my spiritual needs.

Certain charismatic sects are fairly disorganized and things can get a little out of hand at some of those black baptist churches, but such mildly informal affairs are still a far cry from the unmitigated spiritual chaos for which my soul yearns. Why, for example, must we always go to church at 11am on Sunday morning? What's wrong with 2:37pm on the third Tuesday of every month whose name has a numerological value that is prime? And why the same rituals every time? Maybe some day we could play Hungry Hungry Hippos and beat each other with soup ladles rather than sing songs and pray. And what I wouldn't give to just once walk into a place of worship and have absolutely no idea who I'm going to be worshiping that morning. I'd be like, "Really? Kenny Rogers? Cool." And then I'd join the rest of the congregation in a stirring rendition of Coward of the County. Or maybe I wouldn't. Because who's going to make me?

I've also heard that more wars are started over religion than anything else. This troubles me deeply, because I have not ONCE been asked to serve on our church's religious wars committee. I mean, I've probably played more Risk than just about any other member of our church. Does that count for nothing? I could advise them, for example, not to make Europe their power center because of all the borders you have to defend, and to avoid retreating to Australia unless you really want to spend the next three days on the losing end of a war of attrition. You might outlast the Presbyterians with that strategy, but you do NOT want to try that with Jesuits or Shiite Muslims.

No, instead I have to serve on committees that are concerned with unbelievably dull things like making sure needy people have adequate food, shelter and medical care. Occasionally I make a motion to start a war, and I just get blank stares. Last time I moved that we declare war on the Quakers. They're pacifists, for crying out loud. We could kick their asses, confiscate their oats, and be home before dark. But nobody would even second the motion. I don't get it. What's the point of being religious if we're not going to start any wars?

Disorganized people don't start wars. Well, occasionally they start them, but they never finish them. Frankly, disorganized people don't finish much of anything. It's part of their charm. Hell, sometimes they'll start a thought

If we were to eliminate organized religion, we would eliminate the number one cause of war. Of course, we'd still have the number two cause, which would then become number one. I wonder what that would be? Land? Food? Oil? The desire for power? Freedom? I'd say we should probably eliminate them all to be on the safe side.

It surprises me how few wars are fought in the name of evil. I think Darth Vader is the only one who ever stood up and said, "Hey, we're going to be the bad guys in this war. Oppression, cruelty, suffering, that's us. I'm going to hire gaunt lieutentants with clipped British accents, put the word 'Death' in the name of our headquarters, blow up peaceful planets for giggles, and wear an outfit that would make Satan shit his pants. Who wants in?"

Using the Dark Side of the Force must have about the same effect as eating paint chips, because those guys were none too bright. If I were the Empire's marketing director, I'd have made a few little changes that would have gone a long way toward improving their image:

OLD	NEW
Galactic Empire	Democratic Federation of Free Planets
Storm Troopers	Customer Service Representatives
Star Destroyer	Nuclear Fusion Cleanup Vehicle
Dark Side of the Force	Look! Ewoks!
Death Star	Moon o' Fun
TIE Fighter	TIE Fighter (What, it's just not very threatening-sounding)

In fact, if you were really clever, you could probably find a way to convince people that the Dark Side of the Force was really the Light Side, and vice versa. You'd use the language of the Jedi order to promote your own nefarious purposes, and people would get confused and not know which side to support. And the really great thing is, even if you lost the war, you'd have convinced a lot of simple-minded people that Dark = Light and Light = Dark and that these Jedi bastards are just a bunch of troublemakers.

Anyway, nothing of that sort is likely to happen here on earth, where the world's religions continue to cause untold problems. Sadly, I think I'm about to give up my quest for a truly disorganized religion. The problem is that as soon as you involve other people, you have to start worrying about schedules and doctrines and people who refuse to see things your way no matter how hard you explain it to them. In the end, my religion is nobody's business but mine and God's -- and He'd better watch it, or it's going to be just me pretty damn quick.