Talk Like a Man

Note: I've read that one way to increase the popularity of your blog is to write "topical" posts. According to the dictionary, topical means:

pertaining to, or applied externally to a particular part of the body

While I was trying to figure out what body part this blog post should be applied to, 2 weeks went by and the the expiration date passed. I think you can probably still use it, but its effectiveness may have decreased significantly. Which may be a good thing, as I have no idea what its intended effect was. But whatever you do, don't take it internally.

So everybody is talking about this Don Imus guy, and what a shame it is that after being on the radio for 40 years, he accidentally slipped up and said something offensive and got fired for it. The remarkable thing to me is that he evidently avoided saying anything offensive for nearly 40 years. Can you imagine talking for three hours a day for 40 years and never saying anything offensive? You should get some kind of medal for that. Even Moses lost his temper after 40 years of shtick on the wilderness circuit.



On the other hand, imagine being one of Imus' faithful listeners, anxiously awaiting the latest G-rated words of wisdom from their beatific role-model, only to be subjected to hate-filled epithets such as "nappy-headed hos." Can you imagine the shock these listeners must have felt? I mean, it's bad enough to refer to a group of respectable young women as "hos." Having lived in a deep well on an Amish beet farm for the past 18 years, I have never heard such language. I have never, for example, heard a man refer to his girlfriend or wife as a ho. I've never heard a woman refer to her friends as hos. I've never heard a white woman refer to a black woman as a ho, nor a black woman refer to a white woman as a ho. I have never heard two women of mixed race jokingly calling each other hos, nor a pair of conjoined twins referring to their adopted lesbian parents as hos. And I most certainly never heard six Chinese women calling seventy-eight Pakistani midgets and their albino monkey hos. And if I had ever heard the word "ho" used in any of these contexts, I would have been outraged each and every time, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Anyway, a lot of people seem to be ready to pull the plug on talk radio and replace it with something less offensive, like rap music. But being the high-minded and judicious person I am, I decided to find out what the fuss was all about. So I listened to some "talk radio" for a few hours one day. The show I found most interesting talked about the "homosexual agenda." Have you heard about this? It was a real eye-opener for me. I mean, I know that they tend to be detail-oriented, but who knew they had an actual agenda? That's just cool. I wish straight people had an agenda. As far as I know, the only thing we've agreed on is to split up boy/girl. If there's any kind of schedule for where or when we're supposed to do this, nobody's shown it to me. Let me tell you, if they had, it would have spared me some awkward moments in college.

The radio show didn't go into specifics, but several items on the gay agenda are evidently related to corrupting the youth and destroying America. For my gay readers: I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it seems like you're going a bit beyond your charter with stuff like this. I mean, it's every person's right to want to corrupt the youth and destroy America, but I just don't see what any of that has to do with being gay. I pictured the gay agenda being something like this:

4:30 hair appointment
5:10 buy new shoes
6:00 Drinks with Steve!

I know you're probably not supposed to do this, but if you're gay and you're reading this, I'd really appreciate it if you could send me a copy of the agenda. Don't worry, I'm not going to post it or anything. I'm just hoping to get some ideas for the straight agenda. Also, I'm wondering what the timetable is for abolishing the nuclear family and gayifying all of us breeders. Because if I'm going to be turned gay like next week, I really need to start doing some situps or something.

Maybe I should start a radio show. I could raise concerns about all kinds of groups that I find a little suspicious. Like, what are those Shriners up to exactly? I mean, we all love kids, but doesn't it seem like they love kids a little too much? And the weird little cars. Sure, they claim that they're just for parades, but how long before you're stuck behind one of those damn things on I-5? You see where I'm going with this. What's the Shriner agenda?

The key to the show's success would be to never actually talk to any Shriners. Or, if I did talk to one, it would only be to demonstrate how the Shriner agenda is Wrong for America.

Diesel: Isn't it true, sir, that the Shriners want to destroy all that is good and decent about America?

Shriner Dude: Actually, we're a charitable organization that funds --

Diesel: Silence! What about the allegations that your group is an offshoot of the secretive order of the Knights Templar?

Shriner Dude: Well, originally the purpose of the Shriners was to protect the --

Diesel: I've heard enough of your lies! I'm only going to ask you this once: WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE HOLY GRAIL?

Shriner: The Holy... I'm sorry, but I didn't expect this sort of Spanish Inquisition.

Michael Palin: NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!


I have some more stuff worked out, but I'd better not go into details before I've confirmed the availability of Graham Chapman. So for now, I can only offer a very rudimentary outline of the show. I'm thinking something like:

4:30 News update
5:10 Weather and traffic
6:00 Drinks with Steve!


Humor-blogs.com wants to corrupt the youth, destroy America, and prevent unsightly hard water stains.