I wrote my first novel in second grade.
Well, maybe more of a novella. It was 50 pages long. Although come to think of it, part of it was written on little kids' paper, so maybe it was more like 20 big people pages. You know the stuff that I'm talking about. The paper that's somewhere in between grocery bag material and industrial paper towel in terms of texture, so that occasionally your O's would look like Q's because your pencil had to jump over a chunk of wood pulp. It had like eight extra lines on it of all different colors so that you could see how bad your penmanship is.
"Diesel, the top of the loop of your 'd' should be on the red line."
"What 'd'? I don't see any 'd'."
"Right here. In the word 'ditch.'"
"Nope, don't see it."
"Here! Right here, plain as day!"
"Well if it's plain as day, why are you making such a big deal out of it?"
"Diesel!"
"I think I might have that dyspepsi thing you were talking about."
"Why?"
"That's not a 'd'. I'm writing a story about you."
Actually my 2nd grade teacher was really nice. Also, she loved me. Early in the year she instructed the class to write a story, and I wrote one about Captain Bill and his spaceship Thee Eagle. No, not The Eagle. Thee Eagle, is in, "Hey, is that Thee Eagle?" And it was. Although my teacher later renamed Thee Eagle to Thee Eagle With A Line Through the Second 'e,' for reasons that were unclear to me. I guess she just wanted Captain Bill's spaceship to have a more unique name, in case it ever needed to race Seabiscuit.
Anyway, Captain Bill and his crew had all kinds of adventures in their big black ship that resembled a partially peeled and very overripe banana. I recall that they went to Jupiter, but I'm not sure why. Then again, why does anyone go to Jupiter? It's the strip clubs and legalized cockfights, am I right? What happens on Jupiter stays on Jupiter. Mostly because of the crushing gravity.
The story of Captain Bill and Thee Eagle never ended, for the simple reason that once I finished the story I would have to do insufferably dull things like add 3 and 7. I didn't understand why they needed me to do this. I was like, "It's 1977, people! Arabic numerals have been around for 1400 years and nobody has figured out 3 plus 7 yet? Don't you people have scientists for this sort of work?" I mean, hell, we even had calculators back in 1977. I used to cart mine around in a radio flyer. But no, they insisted that we do this drudge work by hand. And not only that, but after a while I realized we were doing the same problems over and over. "Who is keeping records at this place?" I demanded. "I swear I just multiplied 3 by 4 yesterday! Oh, that was 4 times 3. Nevermind. Man, I wish somebody would discover the commutative property of multiplication."
"So... do I need to do math now?" I would ask Mrs. P.
"Oh, you just keep working on your story," she said.
No freaking way! I thought. Mrs. P. is the coolest teacher ever! After that, Mrs. P. started making appearances in the story. Captain Bill and she once took some unauthorized leave on Jupiter, if you get my meaning.
In this fashion, the saga of Captain Bill and Thee Eagle went on, and on, and on, page after page after page until I ran out of grocery bag paper and moved on to the real stuff. It must have been the longest story ever written by a second grader. I never did end it. Eventually I think I lost the manuscript (I was forever losing things as a child), and had to move on. But in some ways the story still lives on. Sometimes when I'm weighed down by the drudgery of life, I imagine Captain Bill swooping down in Thee Eagle to save the day.
"Thank goodness you're here, Captain Bill! I'm a church treasurer now and I could really use your help. What's 3 plus 7?"
And Captain Bill would just shrug and say, "Dunno. Let's get wasted and go to Jupiter. I left Mrs. P. frozen in carbonite, so she looks the same as she did in 1977."
"Sweeet," I'd say, with an extra 'e' just for the hell of it.
Captain Bill once squared off against the entire fleet of humor-blogs.com.
Well, maybe more of a novella. It was 50 pages long. Although come to think of it, part of it was written on little kids' paper, so maybe it was more like 20 big people pages. You know the stuff that I'm talking about. The paper that's somewhere in between grocery bag material and industrial paper towel in terms of texture, so that occasionally your O's would look like Q's because your pencil had to jump over a chunk of wood pulp. It had like eight extra lines on it of all different colors so that you could see how bad your penmanship is.
"Diesel, the top of the loop of your 'd' should be on the red line."
"What 'd'? I don't see any 'd'."
"Right here. In the word 'ditch.'"
"Nope, don't see it."
"Here! Right here, plain as day!"
"Well if it's plain as day, why are you making such a big deal out of it?"
"Diesel!"
"I think I might have that dyspepsi thing you were talking about."
"Why?"
"That's not a 'd'. I'm writing a story about you."
Actually my 2nd grade teacher was really nice. Also, she loved me. Early in the year she instructed the class to write a story, and I wrote one about Captain Bill and his spaceship Thee Eagle. No, not The Eagle. Thee Eagle, is in, "Hey, is that Thee Eagle?" And it was. Although my teacher later renamed Thee Eagle to Thee Eagle With A Line Through the Second 'e,' for reasons that were unclear to me. I guess she just wanted Captain Bill's spaceship to have a more unique name, in case it ever needed to race Seabiscuit.Anyway, Captain Bill and his crew had all kinds of adventures in their big black ship that resembled a partially peeled and very overripe banana. I recall that they went to Jupiter, but I'm not sure why. Then again, why does anyone go to Jupiter? It's the strip clubs and legalized cockfights, am I right? What happens on Jupiter stays on Jupiter. Mostly because of the crushing gravity.
The story of Captain Bill and Thee Eagle never ended, for the simple reason that once I finished the story I would have to do insufferably dull things like add 3 and 7. I didn't understand why they needed me to do this. I was like, "It's 1977, people! Arabic numerals have been around for 1400 years and nobody has figured out 3 plus 7 yet? Don't you people have scientists for this sort of work?" I mean, hell, we even had calculators back in 1977. I used to cart mine around in a radio flyer. But no, they insisted that we do this drudge work by hand. And not only that, but after a while I realized we were doing the same problems over and over. "Who is keeping records at this place?" I demanded. "I swear I just multiplied 3 by 4 yesterday! Oh, that was 4 times 3. Nevermind. Man, I wish somebody would discover the commutative property of multiplication."
"So... do I need to do math now?" I would ask Mrs. P.
"Oh, you just keep working on your story," she said.
No freaking way! I thought. Mrs. P. is the coolest teacher ever! After that, Mrs. P. started making appearances in the story. Captain Bill and she once took some unauthorized leave on Jupiter, if you get my meaning.
In this fashion, the saga of Captain Bill and Thee Eagle went on, and on, and on, page after page after page until I ran out of grocery bag paper and moved on to the real stuff. It must have been the longest story ever written by a second grader. I never did end it. Eventually I think I lost the manuscript (I was forever losing things as a child), and had to move on. But in some ways the story still lives on. Sometimes when I'm weighed down by the drudgery of life, I imagine Captain Bill swooping down in Thee Eagle to save the day.
"Thank goodness you're here, Captain Bill! I'm a church treasurer now and I could really use your help. What's 3 plus 7?"
And Captain Bill would just shrug and say, "Dunno. Let's get wasted and go to Jupiter. I left Mrs. P. frozen in carbonite, so she looks the same as she did in 1977."
"Sweeet," I'd say, with an extra 'e' just for the hell of it.
Captain Bill once squared off against the entire fleet of humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Anecdotes, Exemplary Police Work, Science Fiction
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Love it! You've gotta love the extra 'e's!!!
Diesel, you sound like you would have been a fun kid to have in class. You sound like you were full of creativity and imagination. You weren't a little terror in the classroom, were you? :)
I'm glad you grew up smart and successful, now I know 'my guys' will all turn out just fine. Always make sure Thee Eagle has a ready supply of fresh toast and hot chocolate.
dyspepsi? hahahahahahaha. or should that be heeheeheeheeheehee? whatever it should bee, this post was funnee, and i thank you from the bottom of my dyslexic hearth, because i reellee neeeded a good laugh today.
carried your calculator around in a Radio Flyer? HAHAHAHA! or should that be...?
mark this as one of your best, my friend, for it is. it really is xox
"What happens on Jupiter stays on Jupiter. Mostly because of the crushing gravity."
I aboslutely must own a Tshirt with that slogan. Get to photoshopping, Diesel...and get it on Zazzle or CafePress as soon as possible.
Imagine how profitable a Mattress Police store would be...
That Jupiter quote was awesome. You know the big red eye is actually a gigantic storm?
Are you related to Dave Pilkey who writes the Amazing Adventures of Captain Underpants? Or Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)?
Great stuff man! I love the dialog between you and your teacher regarding the "d" in ditch.
Hee hee, and oh yeah...HAHAHA! Thanks man. I'm going to put your link on my myspace page as I did with Humor-blogs.com.
I wish you paid out referral fees!
I'm going to whore you out like a big pimp mamma!
sometimes the stories that never end are the best of all
AH! I remember that story! No, I didn't read it, but I remember being awestruck at that sheaf of brown papers and the idea that you had written a 50 page story. It motivated me to write a story myself, though I can't remember what about, and I think it was only six or seven pages long. I guess I was more of a sheep when it came to math.
(I think Mrs. P left teaching after she had a baby. She was one of my favorite teachers, too.)
As a witness to a chunk of Diesel's childhood, I can attest to his mostly good behavior in school... He made up for it outside of school.
You had a PENCIL!! OMG, you know you don't know anything about machinery.
Skul
Yep. Definitely need a Jupiter T-shirt.
I'll weigh in (hee) on the Jupiter t-shirt idea. It's fabulous. A must have!
You had teachers who treated you like an individual? What planet were you raised on?
Nothing says lovin' like Jupitarian strip clubs and cockfighting.
hey i'm better captain bill would have gotten along with my son's protagonist when he was in 2nd grade. that fellow drove a nuclear powered ford and save the school from very stupid teachers.
My understanding is that people of the male persuasion go to Jupiter "to get more stupider" but I have it from less than reliable sources. It may be more of a folklore sort of thing.
Chrissy - I wasn't a terror, unless you're terrified of kids who never do their homework.
Claire - Will do. Thanks! :)
Neva - I think you may need to come back when you've had more sleep.
Joel - Ok, ok, I'll give it some thought.
Furiousball - That's what they want you think.
Random - Maybe we can work something out. :)
Citymouse - Not to mention the ones that don't start.
Glacial Spain - All I remember about Mrs. P. was that she was nice, pretty (at least to a 7 year old), and let me do what I was good at. That's about all I require in a teacher.
Skul - I know, I almost put my eye out.
Spookyrach - OK! I'll do it.
Robin - It was called the 70s, and it was one groovy planet. I don't think they're allowed to do that any more.
Sher - LOL! Ain't that the truth.
Lime - I don't think Bill ever had such a noble mission.
Candace - Hmm. I've heard the same thing. This may require more research.
I love "Thee" way too much as part of this story. I am a cheap audience, I guess.
I also cackled at Jupiter as the place of legalized cockfights and other such illicit earthly pleasures.
Can I just say how much I love the fact, first of all, that we were in 2nd grade (or kindergarten for that matter) at the same time! 1977. What a year that was! Of course, I didn't START 2nd grade until the middle-ish of '77, so maybe you're a year ahead of me. But I think you're an '88 is great guy, yes? And thank you for putting me on the prayer list. It totally worked. You must have a direct connection or something. Tammy Faye could use some help, too, if you know what I mean. ;o) Awesome story, my friend. Keep writing!
p.s. I love your new header (if that's what you call them -- that thingy up top that used to make me laugh 'cause it talked about getting fired for blogging -- that dooce -- she's got the market, I tell ya). Cheers!
This post has been removed by the author.
I'll try that again...
Just for reference, here's Diesel's second grade class photo:
http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w97/glacialspain/TheeDiesel.jpg
(Hopefully that works, I'm not sure what the trick is to posting links in these comments. This looks ok in one view, but gets truncated in another.)
I think you should continue your story.. you know maybe venture to some new planets or galaxies.. partake in their intergalactic vices. After all you're a big boy now.. a little space travel here and there might broaden your horizons even more.
That paper sucks by the way. I have a 1st grader and you can't even erase the same spot 20 times without ripping a hole the size of Jupiter in it.
He looks like a nice clean-cut young man Glacial. What happened??
Skul
I should have told my boys to have the Bachelor party on Jupiter...
Cool! I wrote a space saga in 4th grade for a time capsule ... needless to say, it wasn't 50 pages, and is rather embarrassing to look at now. Very sexual, for a 4th grader writing about 4 headed aliens at least.
Skul: Dungeons & Dragons
Now we need a picture of Captain Bill.
I watched 'Stealth' today, and there are three pilots named Talons 1 - 3. Like Eagle 1-3!!! SEE!!! SEE!!! SEEE!!!!!!!
Too cute! I used to write so much when I was in school, and I won a ton of awards. I didn't quite keep up with it as an adult, although I do sometimes write just for fun.
LOL... I've got dyspepsi, too. I knew right away what you were writing!
(And your photoshop skills are excellent, Diesel =) I would never think to make a sheep in Capt. Picard!)
Great little story about a story ... this would make a great graphic novella!
This post is just excellent all around. Very funny indeed. I don't what more to say beyond, simply said - I loved it.
Oh and count me in on one of those Jupiter shirts. I like my cotton soft, not all stiff and a woman's cut. Thanks.
Jocelyn - It's the simple things, isn't it?
Angela - I am an '88 guy. My class song was that horrible "Time of My Life" song from Dirty Dancing. Guh. Glad you're feeling better. :)
Glacial Spain - Mrs. P. and I had the same stylist.
Groovy - I hear there's some really funky stuff on Uranus. Sorry, I can't help it.
Skul - Glacial Spain is right. It was D&D what corrupted me. That and facial hair.
Papadog - Jupiter's moons are even better. Europa runs rings around Jupiter.
Anita - Did they have 4 of other things as well?
Sandi - I think he looked pretty much like Zap Branigan from Futurama.
Snay - Back up. You watched Stealth?
Arlene - My stories were more likely to win me trips to a psychiatrist than an award.
Tracey - Well, let's see what you think of me next pic....
Manola - You do the illustrations and we'll split the profits.
G - Thank you. I'm seriously looking into the T-shirt idea.
How great that you had a teacher who encouraged you to write that early!