Happy Mother's Day!

Since I don't normally post on Sundays, I'm doing my Mother's Day post today. I've also updated Central Booking with my thoughts on Godel, Escher, Bach.

A couple quick reminders first:

• Today is the last day to vote in the caption contest. I will post the results tomorrow! Who will win the coveted autographed picture of me and Cary Grant?
• Also, it's not too late to beg my wife to do a guest post. Please? She hasn't seen the post yet, so it would be hella cool to get up to 100 comments by tonight. I'm hoping that affirmation from dozens of strangers will make up for the fact that I posted a picture of her without her consent. Post your comment here. Thanks!

And now, a joke that I came up with while riding around on the tractor, and two limericks I wrote for Mad Kane's Mother's Day Limerick Contest. Enjoy!

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Jethro and his wife Enid are home watching TV one night when Enid unexpectedly goes into labor. Jethro grabs his car keys and helps Enid to the door. As they get to the door, Enid howls in pain.

Jethro says, "Come on, Enid. We gots to git you to the hospital."
"Ah cain't," says Enid, and sits back down on the couch. When the labor pains subside, Jethro helps her up again and they walk to the door. But once again, just when they get to the door, Enid screams. "Jethro, ah cain't!"

Jethro calls 911. "What is your emergency?" says the dispatcher.

"Mah wife is havin' a baby," Jethro says. "We's tryin' to get to the hospital, but ah can't git her to the car."

"Ok, don't panic," says the dispatcher. "How far apart are the contractions?"

Just then Enid screams again.

"They's real close together," says Jethro.

"Alright," says the dispatcher. "I can send an ambulance, but it might take a few minutes. Your best bet is to try to get her in the car and take her to the hospital yourself."

"Ok," says Jethro. "Enid, the man says you need to git in the car and --"

"Jethro, ah cain't!" sobs Enid.

"Ok," says the dispatcher, hearing her distress. "I'll send an ambulance."

"Thank you," says Jethro. "What should we do till then?"

"Just try to keep her comfortable. Tell her to take deep breaths and stay calm. You want to try to slow down those contractions if you can."

"Ok," says Jethro. He turns to his wife. "Enid, the man says you gots to slow down your contractions."

Enid nods, tears streaking down her cheeks. She takes a deep breath and says, as slowly as she can, "Jethro, ah caaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnn't."

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Me mum didn’t raise any dummy
but after 5,000 years in her tummy
it felt less like a womb
and more like a tomb
but she’s still the world’s greatest mummy!

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There once was a man like no other
who had an ape for a surrogate mother
He loved to fling poo
and when asked, "Was that you?"
He'd say, "No, ma, that was my brother."

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I'm sure my mother is particularly proud today. Happy Mother's Day!


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