As you know from the most recent caption contest, I have an unnatural love for Spider-Man (by the way, get your captions in by tonight; I'll be posting a poll with Mrs. Diesel's favorites tomorrow). I finally got a chance to see Spider-Man 3 this weekend, and felt compelled to write this letter. I'd warn you that there are spoilers ahead, but I'm not sure it's even possible to spoil something this lousy.
Dear Mr. Raimi,
I've been a fan of Spider-Man as long as I can remember. I loved the comics as a kid. I watched the live action TV show in the seventies. I used to watch Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends on Saturday mornings in the 80s. In college I collected Spider-Man comics obsessively.
I've also been a big fan of yours. Darkman was a favorite of mine before anyone had heard of you, Francis McDormand or Liam Neeson. Army of Darkness is one of my all time favorites, as is Spider-Man 2. When Spider-Man 2 ended, I was tempted to sit there in the theater and wait for the next showing.
So believe me when I tell you this: Spider-Man 3 sucked.
Let's start with the black costume/Venom storyline. I'm not a comics purist; I couldn't care less that you didn't pursue the Beyonder planet/Secret Wars storyline. But your explanation for the black suit is that it fell from space? Just like that, 50 feet away from Peter Parker's scooter? WTF?
Then there's Kirsten Dunst, who's been living on borrowed time since Interview with a Vampire, as far as I'm concerned. In the comics, Mary Jane was a model. How hard is it to find someone in Hollywood who looks and acts like a model? She was tolerable as a love interest in the first two movies, but now you've gone and elevated her almost to a leading role. I mean, she plays an actress who gets fired for being a lousy performer, and she can't even pull that off. Hello? I have two words for all casting directors: Rachel McAdams. Any time you're tempted to cast Kirsten Dunst, Kate Bosworth, Katie Holmes or pretty much any other perky young thing, please cast Rachel McAdams instead. She's cute as a button, and can act the crap out of any of those other chicks.
Speaking of minor characters and subplots nobody gives a shit about, could you possibly include any more of them? It's like I was watching my entire adolescence of comic reading flash before my eyes: Sandman, Venom, J. Jonah Jameson, Robbie Robertson, Gwen Stacy, Captain Stacy, Green Goblin, Blue Goblin/Hobgoblin, Aunt May, Uncle Ben.... What, was Flash Thompson busy? And with the number of times that a character got "killed off" only to reappear later, I was half-expecting Gwen Stacy's clone to show up. I was going to joke that The Lizard was the only villain who hadn't checked in yet, but then I realized that The Lizard was in the movie: his alter ego is Peter Parker's one-armed physics (!) professor, Doc Connors.
And do I really need to give you a refresher on Spider-Man's powers? First of all, Spidey can't be blindsided by a guy on a flying skateboard. He can sense danger. It's called "Spider-sense," in case you've forgotten. And tell me, which of Spidey's powers allow his head to be used to shatter brick walls without him getting so much as a headache?
Any superhero movie is going to have its share of unlikely coincidences, but Spider-Man 3 stacks them up like some kind of super-powered version of Six Degrees of Separation. I mean, let me get this straight: In a city of eight million people, Peter Parker's rival at the Daily Bugle, Eddie Brock, also happens to be dating Gwen Stacy, a girl in Peter's physics class, who is the daughter of the police captain who is overseeing the investigation of the murder of Peter's uncle. Peter's uncle turns out to have been murdered by an escaped convict named Flint Marco, who has been transformed into Sandman, a supervillain who shows up during a ceremony in which Gwen thanks Spider-Man for saving her life during a freak crane accident. After Peter's physics professor, Dr. Connors (you remember, from his class with Gwen) advises him about the dangers of the alien suit, Peter fights off the suit only to have it fall on Eddie Brock (no, literally, it falls on him), who happens to be standing below. Brock is turned into Spider-Man's nemesis Venom, who then teams up with Sandman to kill Spidey. I live in a town of 12,000 people, and I sometimes go three months without running into that many people I know.
Let's see, what else. I'm trying to keep the whole "Peter Parker turns into the evil version of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever" storyline from settling in my long-term memory, so I'm going to skip over that completely.
There's Mary Jane's inexplicable break-up with Petey, prompted by some vague threats from Harry Osbourne, who is still inexplicably mad at Peter for killing his jerkwad father. There are Harry's three abrupt personality switches -- a bit much to ask of James Franco, who can on a good day manage only good-natured confusion. The last of these abrupt changes occurs when yet another minor character, Harry's butler Bernard, explains to Harry that oh, by the way, Spider-Man didn't actually kill your father. Hey, Bernard, you could have saved us all a lot of trouble if you had mentioned that like TWO HOURS AGO.
The Sandman storyline bothers me on about six different levels, setting aside his ridiculous origin ("We put a fence around that particle accelerator, it's not our fault someone fell in!"). First of all, making Flint Marco the real killer of Uncle Ben is lazy, cheap and unnecessary. And then there's Sandman's apology to Peter at the end. "Gee, Pete, I'm real sorry about turning into a giant sand-monster and trying to crush you with my gigantic sand-fists, but I really needed some money because my daughter is sick or something. Come to think of it, nothing I've done in this movie makes much sense. I'll just anticlimactically blow away in the wind now." And if you're going to try to make Sandman a relatable character by giving him a sick daughter, maybe you could actually follow through on that storyline. What happened to the daughter? You could at least have summarily killed her off like you did with all the other characters we were sick of after 2 and a half hours.
The plot makes virtually no sense, which makes it even more puzzling that you included so many dull expository scenes. I love Aunt May as much as anyone, but holy crap do I really need to hear about how Uncle Ben proposed to her while they were in their bathing suits? And then, when you actually needed a transition to explain how Peter and Mary Jane managed to overcome their problems and get back together, you fudge it with a lame romantic scene. It wouldn't have taken that much, you know. Something along the lines of "Hey, I know you lied to me about being involved with Harry because he was inspired by the ghost of his mad scientist father to threaten to kill me, and I only punched and humiliated you and acted like a total ass-hat because I was possessed by an evil alien costume from outer space, so let's say we're even and make sweet spider-love. Will you marry me with this ring that my Aunt May gave me, assuming I can get the image of her in her bathing suit out of my head by staying really drunk for the next several days?"
Having seen Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, not to mention the rest of your work, I can't even fathom how you were capable of foisting such a shit-bomb on us. Dude, The Quick and the Dead was better than this, and that had Sharon Stone in it. The best part of this movie was Bruce Campbell's cameo. I'd rather watch a movie featuring his French waiter character than sit through something like this again. I'll admit it's not the worst superhero movie I've seen, but if it weren't for the sheer likability of most of your cast, you'd be a couple of spider-nipples away from Batman and Robin territory here. Trust me, I don't bring up the-movie-that-must-not-be-named lightly. Don't make me do it again.
I don't know what's happened to you. I can only assume that a big black slimy ball of money fell from the heavens and is using your movie-making abilities for evil. I urge you to fight it off and redeem yourself with the next installment. Short of that, hand the reins to Bryan Singer, Christopher Nolan or even -- shudder -- Brett Ratner. The future of our children depends on it.
Humor-blogs.com inexplicably fell to earth from outer space INTO a particle accelerator.
Dear Mr. Raimi,
I've been a fan of Spider-Man as long as I can remember. I loved the comics as a kid. I watched the live action TV show in the seventies. I used to watch Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends on Saturday mornings in the 80s. In college I collected Spider-Man comics obsessively.
I've also been a big fan of yours. Darkman was a favorite of mine before anyone had heard of you, Francis McDormand or Liam Neeson. Army of Darkness is one of my all time favorites, as is Spider-Man 2. When Spider-Man 2 ended, I was tempted to sit there in the theater and wait for the next showing.
So believe me when I tell you this: Spider-Man 3 sucked.
Let's start with the black costume/Venom storyline. I'm not a comics purist; I couldn't care less that you didn't pursue the Beyonder planet/Secret Wars storyline. But your explanation for the black suit is that it fell from space? Just like that, 50 feet away from Peter Parker's scooter? WTF?
Then there's Kirsten Dunst, who's been living on borrowed time since Interview with a Vampire, as far as I'm concerned. In the comics, Mary Jane was a model. How hard is it to find someone in Hollywood who looks and acts like a model? She was tolerable as a love interest in the first two movies, but now you've gone and elevated her almost to a leading role. I mean, she plays an actress who gets fired for being a lousy performer, and she can't even pull that off. Hello? I have two words for all casting directors: Rachel McAdams. Any time you're tempted to cast Kirsten Dunst, Kate Bosworth, Katie Holmes or pretty much any other perky young thing, please cast Rachel McAdams instead. She's cute as a button, and can act the crap out of any of those other chicks.Speaking of minor characters and subplots nobody gives a shit about, could you possibly include any more of them? It's like I was watching my entire adolescence of comic reading flash before my eyes: Sandman, Venom, J. Jonah Jameson, Robbie Robertson, Gwen Stacy, Captain Stacy, Green Goblin, Blue Goblin/Hobgoblin, Aunt May, Uncle Ben.... What, was Flash Thompson busy? And with the number of times that a character got "killed off" only to reappear later, I was half-expecting Gwen Stacy's clone to show up. I was going to joke that The Lizard was the only villain who hadn't checked in yet, but then I realized that The Lizard was in the movie: his alter ego is Peter Parker's one-armed physics (!) professor, Doc Connors.
And do I really need to give you a refresher on Spider-Man's powers? First of all, Spidey can't be blindsided by a guy on a flying skateboard. He can sense danger. It's called "Spider-sense," in case you've forgotten. And tell me, which of Spidey's powers allow his head to be used to shatter brick walls without him getting so much as a headache?
Any superhero movie is going to have its share of unlikely coincidences, but Spider-Man 3 stacks them up like some kind of super-powered version of Six Degrees of Separation. I mean, let me get this straight: In a city of eight million people, Peter Parker's rival at the Daily Bugle, Eddie Brock, also happens to be dating Gwen Stacy, a girl in Peter's physics class, who is the daughter of the police captain who is overseeing the investigation of the murder of Peter's uncle. Peter's uncle turns out to have been murdered by an escaped convict named Flint Marco, who has been transformed into Sandman, a supervillain who shows up during a ceremony in which Gwen thanks Spider-Man for saving her life during a freak crane accident. After Peter's physics professor, Dr. Connors (you remember, from his class with Gwen) advises him about the dangers of the alien suit, Peter fights off the suit only to have it fall on Eddie Brock (no, literally, it falls on him), who happens to be standing below. Brock is turned into Spider-Man's nemesis Venom, who then teams up with Sandman to kill Spidey. I live in a town of 12,000 people, and I sometimes go three months without running into that many people I know.
Let's see, what else. I'm trying to keep the whole "Peter Parker turns into the evil version of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever" storyline from settling in my long-term memory, so I'm going to skip over that completely.
There's Mary Jane's inexplicable break-up with Petey, prompted by some vague threats from Harry Osbourne, who is still inexplicably mad at Peter for killing his jerkwad father. There are Harry's three abrupt personality switches -- a bit much to ask of James Franco, who can on a good day manage only good-natured confusion. The last of these abrupt changes occurs when yet another minor character, Harry's butler Bernard, explains to Harry that oh, by the way, Spider-Man didn't actually kill your father. Hey, Bernard, you could have saved us all a lot of trouble if you had mentioned that like TWO HOURS AGO.The Sandman storyline bothers me on about six different levels, setting aside his ridiculous origin ("We put a fence around that particle accelerator, it's not our fault someone fell in!"). First of all, making Flint Marco the real killer of Uncle Ben is lazy, cheap and unnecessary. And then there's Sandman's apology to Peter at the end. "Gee, Pete, I'm real sorry about turning into a giant sand-monster and trying to crush you with my gigantic sand-fists, but I really needed some money because my daughter is sick or something. Come to think of it, nothing I've done in this movie makes much sense. I'll just anticlimactically blow away in the wind now." And if you're going to try to make Sandman a relatable character by giving him a sick daughter, maybe you could actually follow through on that storyline. What happened to the daughter? You could at least have summarily killed her off like you did with all the other characters we were sick of after 2 and a half hours.
The plot makes virtually no sense, which makes it even more puzzling that you included so many dull expository scenes. I love Aunt May as much as anyone, but holy crap do I really need to hear about how Uncle Ben proposed to her while they were in their bathing suits? And then, when you actually needed a transition to explain how Peter and Mary Jane managed to overcome their problems and get back together, you fudge it with a lame romantic scene. It wouldn't have taken that much, you know. Something along the lines of "Hey, I know you lied to me about being involved with Harry because he was inspired by the ghost of his mad scientist father to threaten to kill me, and I only punched and humiliated you and acted like a total ass-hat because I was possessed by an evil alien costume from outer space, so let's say we're even and make sweet spider-love. Will you marry me with this ring that my Aunt May gave me, assuming I can get the image of her in her bathing suit out of my head by staying really drunk for the next several days?"
Having seen Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, not to mention the rest of your work, I can't even fathom how you were capable of foisting such a shit-bomb on us. Dude, The Quick and the Dead was better than this, and that had Sharon Stone in it. The best part of this movie was Bruce Campbell's cameo. I'd rather watch a movie featuring his French waiter character than sit through something like this again. I'll admit it's not the worst superhero movie I've seen, but if it weren't for the sheer likability of most of your cast, you'd be a couple of spider-nipples away from Batman and Robin territory here. Trust me, I don't bring up the-movie-that-must-not-be-named lightly. Don't make me do it again.
I don't know what's happened to you. I can only assume that a big black slimy ball of money fell from the heavens and is using your movie-making abilities for evil. I urge you to fight it off and redeem yourself with the next installment. Short of that, hand the reins to Bryan Singer, Christopher Nolan or even -- shudder -- Brett Ratner. The future of our children depends on it.
Humor-blogs.com inexplicably fell to earth from outer space INTO a particle accelerator.
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You take back what you threatened about Brett Ratner RIGHT NOW! TAKE IT BACK!!!
Sam Raimi on a 10-day bender does a better movie than him (which, admittedly, might have been the case in Spidey 3).
In Mr. Raimi defense's, the studio forced him to add Venom. He hates the character.
However, I thought the movie was nothing more than your average action movie. Nothing special to it. Everyone seemed just tired of doing it.
OK ... 2nd try (the first submission gave me an error).
What's this?? The guy turns into a spider??
Damn! Why did I read this?? You totally ruined the movie for me dude. I was looking so forward to seeing it. Of course I still have to see Spiderman and Spiderman 2, but still -- next time put a damned spoiler alert on these posts.
Imagine what you could do with this part of your brain if it weren't filled up with super-hero comic knowledge...
Joel - X-Men 3 was definitely better than Spider-Man 3. Very sad.
Howard - There's nothing wrong with Venom as a character. I thought it would be cool if they played up Spidey's dark side more, and have the suit eventually turn into an external manifestation of his vengeful side. Kind of like Superman 2. But the whole storyline definitely felt tacked on. So Raimi found Sandman a more compelling choice???
Dan - You'll never guess Bruce Wayne's secret in Batman.
Robin - Imagine what I could do if I had even MORE comic book knowledge!
By the way, visit my blog, Diesel.
You've been called out.
http://crummychurchsigns.blogspot.com
It warms the cockles of my heart to see someone else who was less than impressed with Spider-Man 3. I already tore the movie apart over on my site, but I just realized that I neglected to complain about Kirsten Dunst as MJ in my review. Is it just me, or has she gotten progressively less good in the role since the first movie?
I had a feeling it would suck. Transformers opens July 4th, there's still hope for a big money movie to be decent...gulp.
You'd become this guy?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_Book_Guy
Bruce Campbell is my hero.
Supposedly they are going to do a new Evil Dead, but rumor has it Raimi fake pre-production for posturing for money on Spidey 4...
Omigod, that made me laugh so freakin' hard! Especially this part: "a bit much to ask of James Franco, who can on a good day manage only good-natured confusion." Truer words were never spoken.
Very well written and soooooooo on the mark!
Kudos!
Spoiler, my foot. Thanks for saving me $8.00, Diesel.
We saw it this weekend also. The most fun was tearing it up afterwards. Although I have to say you did a much better job of it then we did.
Note to self:next time I'm looking for a good movies, DON'T take the advise of a 13 year old who saw it on the first day...
Argh! I was heartbroken when I couldn't get tickets on opening night. This weekend was my first chance to see it.
I almost walked out.
And I NEVER walk out.
I'll never have those 2 hours and 20 minutes of prime Friday night time back. Ever.
Thanks, Deez -- you saved me eleven bucks (yep, in New York, they take the gas money you'd have spent to drive there from your home in the 'burbs.)
I hate to admit, I haven't seen Spiderman 2, but has been on my DVD list. I have a boyfriend who has already seen it and we are together a lot.
I'll still see it...but will wait for DVD based on this review and others, which is too bad considering the special effects would seem cool on the big screen.
I'm holding out for the second Batman after the Begins. I loved the darkness and I believe they will use Bale again. He is just awesome...especially to look at.
I always had an issue with Tobey. The guy is a fricken dork. As a woman, I would think for a second someone would say, "Geesh, couldn't we find someone a little more manly."
And I agree with McAdams...almost. She doesn't seem like a "model". More like the girl next door. And Dunst doesn't seem like either or a model. But then again, they had to find someone who wouldn't tower over the short man.
I recently saw Spiderman 3 myself - at the drive-in which made it a lot more enjoyable.
I didn't dislike it all that much but I think it is because I go into movies like that with really low expectations. Expect it to be garbage and it usually seems ok! :)
You said everything I was thinking but wasn't drunk enough to say.
I so agree about Kirsten. Why oh why did they have to cast her as MJ when there are SO many other actresses out there who don't look like they're always on the verge of falling asleep?
Your powers of recall are amazing. Are you sure you're not some kind of superhero?
Best review I've read so far and I agree totally.
What was this crap with Parker crying all the time. He should have borrowed a kotex from Mary Jane
Sounds like Raimi did with Sandman what Burton did with the Joker.
Have you seen the recent Old Spice ad with Bruce Campbell? Classic!
Raimi does like the Sandman storyline. I think it's the "only a villian because of his daughter" thing.
I was dispointed because Sandman is my favorite classic character (c'mon as a kid, I thought it was cool power) and Venom is my favorite modern one, so to see them both shoved into little 5 minute segments was very disappointing.
Hey found your blog by accident. LOVED THIS POST...it had me laughing out loud because it's pretty much the same thing me and my friends said.
Good stuff, I shall read some of your other posts later.
Did you notice the movie ended like three times? Fade to black, no wait...yup fade to black, no no, not quite, okay now credits. I wasn't sure when it was time to actually be glad it was over.
even my son, who actually likes just about any film with "awesome" music and cool CG (think V is for Vendetta and/or The 13th Warrior) hated Spiderman 3. so, um, y'know. thanks for the head's up and/or thumb's down. xox
We didn't want to contend with the opening week crowds, so we didn't go then. Then we went camping, so we didn't go then. Then the reviews started coming in, so I doubt that we'll go at all. But Shrek the 3rd is now out, so maybe we'll go see that.
Could have been worse...could have been The Hulk 2 or Howard the Duck 2! Or maybe The Hulk vs Howard the Duck!
OMG, Test Case and FPM said the exact same thing, "It Sucked" and they cited many of the same reasons you gave. Great minds think alike!
Did I laugh? I looked at the pictures first, and the captions put tears in my eyes. Thanks for the hilarious post.
And thanks for saving me $26 - I was thinking about seeing it on IMAX with my wife. Now I think I'll just buy the DVD the day it comes out - just kidding.
Spiderman....Funnier than a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward.
Is that actual method acting - smell the fart? Excellent call. Okay I haven't seen three or two for that matter. But I'll have to take a fans word.
I did enjoy One but I'm not a comic book fan, so what do I know?
My goodness, if I'd known all that I might have hted it and as it was I ust thought it was a mediocre comic book movie.
But I was troubled by the idiot plot of the whole how the Gren Goblin died thing which could have been easily explained. And by them changing the uncle's killer's identity - because each time they change that Peter seems to have vivid memories of it going just that way. And by the exaclating violence in the Spiderman movies. And my son noted that he must have 100 of those suits, which get tattered in each encounter but then are magically howl again. But do you know what bothered me most? It was Aunt May being hurt and judgmental when Peter told her what happened that night. That seemd completely out of character.
You sound upset, almost on six different levels :)
See ths is why I don´t read comics... if dragged by three nephews to invite them to Spiderman 3, I don´t get disspointed.
Loved your title under the first photo!
aww I liked the other 2. I was hoping this one would be just as good. I'm sad now.
Shouldn't you have been, er, out mowing some of your new LAWN during the wasted hours you spent in the theater?
I must admit, though, that you just about make me want to go see the thing, so I can get indignant about my wasted time/money right along with you.
To restore your love for Spidey, head to Target and buy the new Spider Spud. My four-year-old son loves it, and (meaning this in the best of ways), I think you two have some things in common.
Oh, and another thing: your Best Post Ever could be, if you'd just do it, a You Tube video of you reading (with wild gesticulation) all the caption entries to The Mrs.
you glossed over the john travolta wannabe scenes...darn.
someone said it and i agree...Tobey's not super hero material. I'll take X-men over Spiderman anytime.
My finger hurts.
I cut it, then smashed it into something and tore a huge hunk of nail right off and bruised the nailbed and I still don't think I am in as much pain as if I'd watched this movie.
I knew it! I knew it! I just knew you were a real Spiderman fan, it's because of those Spidey Underoos isn't it? I wasn't planning on seeing this film anyway, but thanks for the warning. Now, tell us about Shrek 3, maybe I'll save some euros this way.
The only thing that surprises me is that someone actually liked the first and second movies...
Wow, so I take it you didn't like it. ;) Dunst has annoyed me through the movies enough to make the whole series a disapointment. *sigh* This means I have to come up with a really good excuse to not have to sit through it when it comes out on NetFlix... and if it's that bad, I haven't got much time! Is it easy to catch the plague?
I could kiss you for that! I hate Kirsten Dunst. She is so not good looking.
I dislike Spiderman movies on general principle. Not sure what principle--maybe the $11+ Fandango cost ones :)
It's rather odd to be sent a link to a funny caption contest by a friend, then scroll down to find yourself ruthlessly insulted.
There's a huge difference between creating movies that attract comic fans, and movies that attract large audiences. The Spider-Man franchise has tried to bridge that gap, but unfortunately any movie like this may at times alienate the comic book reader to an extent.
I cannot comment on future casting, but consider that audiences expect to see certain people in roles. They would never buy someone else taking over Mary Jane, to use another actress would have meant a new love interest for Spider-Man, which would have further alienated the comic book purists.
I somehow doubt that this is truly Mr. Raimi but just in case it is...
Insulted? Are you kidding me? A better way to make this movie would to have gotten piss drunk on box wine and vomit onto your film stock because that's what it felt like you did.
Travis - I doubt it too. I sent "Mr. Raimi" an email in any case. I may have been a little harsh, but it's hard to read the comments on this post and think that my review was off-base. For that matter, there's a reason this movie got 2 thumbs down (even though the thumbs guys raved about Spider-Man 2). It really is that bad.