I was planning on posting this before the season finale, but I ran out of time before my vacation. So anyway, here's me with what's-his-name from 24. You know the drill: Submit your caption in the comments. Get them in by Monday night, and on Tuesday I'll post Mrs. Diesel's favorites for you to vote on. Have fun, and good luck!
Listed on humor-blogs.com.
Listed on humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Caption Contest, Doctored Photos
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These are the last plastic sheets that I have Diesel, you've got 24 hours to stop that wetting problem of yours.
"Is that you mom coming Keifer? I told you she wouldn't be happy about you using the antique chair for my colon cleansing!"
Keifer: "So you just disappear for a week, and you expect us to welcome you back with open arms?"
Keifer: "You have 10 seconds to tell me how to get my blog to the highest ranking on humor-blogs.com"
Keifer: "Nope. I still don't think a beard would work for me."
Are you serious? You actually got that whole hot-dog up your nose?
Jack: No, I really don't think that new wrinkle cream is making any difference.
Jack: Diesel, You just have to stop ordering French Fries, they're called Freedom Fries now.
Jack: Dude, are you serious? Paris Hilton is in jail?
Jack: What have you been smoking? You don't look so hot.
Jack: You are not McGyver, got that. Man, do you ever need help.
Jack: Diesel, I want you to live your life. I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. I want you to try and grow up to be the kind of person that would've made your mom proud. Okay?
Jack: Confess! I know all about your plans to overthrow the government. All I needed was one look at your blog to be sure.
Jack: I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and today will be the longest day of your life.
Jack: Diesel, Tell me where the bomb is or I will erase your blog.
Jack: Man, you really need a shave!
This post has been removed by the author.
Jack: "You've been doing this how many years? All right Mr. Spielberg no more excuses. We want a good ending or the electrodes will be attached. Bring me a razor!"
Diesel: "For the 24th time, I'm not Steven Spielberg!".
"Is that a glass eye?"
Keifer: Where the hell is my hamster?
Diesel: Hang on! I think I've got hold of his tail.
Jack: You know Diesel, I never noticed what beautiful eyes you have before.
Jack: Are you telling me you have the Holy Grail in the basement of your new house?
Jack: What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Diesel: Uh, 42.
Jack: Wrong! It's 24 dammit! You've just gotta do something about that dyslexia of yours.
Jack: I said 24 hours, and you've been gone a week. You're in big trouble, buddy.
Jack: You know, now that you say it, you do look a little like Kiefer Sutherland with a beard and glasses.
Finally a pic with Jack Bauer!
Jack: "Diesel, that is one enormous zit. Ever heard of pro-active?"
Diesel: Whoa, where am I? Last thing I knew I was sitting in my parents' living room...
Kiefer: Diesel, I told you never to mention that orangutan incident again.
Are you going to tell me about the microfilm or am I going to have to sodomize you again? TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW DAMMIT!
So, let me get this straight, Diesel. You only post at your serious blog on Easter and Christmas, or what?"
Hmmm, actually looking at the picture again, I think it's funnier edited down to:
Keifer: "It's on Monday nights. Won a ton of Emmys. One of Fox's top rated shows..."
Diesel: "Huh... Nope, never heard of it."
"Look Diesel, I'm not letting you go until you tell me how you keep your skin so soft and smooth. And stop asking if I have a MySpace account! I told you a thousand times that I use Facebook!"
Hmm. Now that you mention it, Jack, maybe I DID forget to disarm the bomb before we left.
Keifer: "Do you KNOW who my dad is?!?"
Did I say plastic! Did you hear me say plastic! No, that's right... you didn't hear me say plastic. That's because I said paper you idiot!
Diesel: So what is it like wearing the same outfit for an entire season?
Keifer: Not pretty.
OR
Diesel: Give me back my Glad wrap! It's my last piece!
Keifer: Not unless you agree to let me splash around in the wine barrel fountains.
Jack: Repeat after me, "No more fountains until the indoor plumbing is installed!"
"It's like I'm looking in a mirror", thought Diesel.
"It's like he's looking in a mirror", thought Jack.
"Lemme get this straight... ONE guy stitches the crotch into the pantyhose, and the other guy holds 'em up and says "Yep, diesel fitter!"? I. Don't. Get. It."
"I told you to put this into the recycle bin -- now, I'll have to kill you."
jack "So I heard you've been getting close to Spider-man."
Jack: "You think you're funny? Huh, you think you're funny? I'll show you whose funny!"
OR
Jack: "Okay, let's try it again -- where have you been the last few days?"
jack: "Would you care to dance?"
OR
jack: "Now explain it to me again--how do you make those water fountains?"
My god, that's the biggest booger I've ever seen.
"Are you wearing mascara?"
Diesel: I need complete silence while I check my colon.
Jack: There's no way he SMOKED this entire bag! He's gotta be stoned out his mind!
1. " Let me get this straight, The Lost Boys, Flatliners, Young Guns... and you didn't like any of them?"
2. " I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I'm pretty sure the jumper cables you clamped on to my nuts are supposed to be hooked up to a car battery."
Two hours into the staring contest, both sides began to fight the urge to blink knowing defeat would quickly follow.
Jack: "Ok, I'm going to ask this one last time...Spiderman Three was a good movie yes or no?"
Jack: "Ok, last time I am going to ask you...Chloe is a total hottie yes or no?"
Jack: "If I'm going to join Humor Blogs we are doing it MY way."
Jack: "I smell fear"
Diesel: "More like rotten eggs. What did you eat for lunch?"
Diesel: (thinking) "Wow actors really are shorter in person"
Jack: "Do yah feel lucky punk?"
Diesel: (thinking) "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
For the last time, yes, these ARE Bugle Boy jeans I'm wearing!
Jack: "Don't make me resort to using....THE COMFY CHAIR!"
I'm hopeless with captions. Ask Mrs. Diesel if I can be a judge.
Dude, he's about to cut off your penis with a cigar-slicer if you don't tell what he wants to know. DON'T TELL HIM!!!! What do you need a penis for, anyway?
Diesel: I look like Harrison Ford from the side? Really?!
Okay, Diesel... now explain to me again why my stuff isn't good enough for humor-blogs dot com?
Keifer: Dude, you seriously don't have a single blackhead....
Jack: Geez, I guess somebody has to tell you sometime - Santa doesn't exist.
Jack: I'm not letting you go until you tell me the names of all 50 states.
Jack: Diesel, I'm only going to ask you one more time. Where's my Viagra?
Diesel: I never expected the Spanish Inquisition.
Jack: Diesel, you've got to help me - How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? I need to know, dude, I just can't sleep at night.
Diesel: So let me get this straight, if I admit I am head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument. But if I don't, you'll hold me upside down in a vat of hot marmalade. Hmmm...Tough choice.
Jack: Hey Diesel, snap out of it! The hypnosis thing was just a joke. (Shit, it looks like I really do know how to hypnotize people.)
Jack: Do you remember what happened last night? Because I sure don't. Dude, we gotta lay off the weed.
Jack: That yogurt I ate was expired. Tell me I'm not gonna die!
Jack: Those glasses are really hot, I bet you get a lot of women wearing those.
Jack: Phew! Was that you? You have a serious intestinal disorder -You should see a doctor about that.
Jack: I'll slap an armchair philosophizing charge on you faster than you can say "Schopenhauer".
Diesel- "No, its still there, I think you're going to have to floss."
Jack: Did you know one of your nostrils is bigger than the other?
Jack: I'm not letting you go until you sing "O Canada". I don't care how hard you beg.
Look, I don't have time to go out and get another. The bag was marked with my name, hidden way in the back of the 'fridge... by God, you're going to tell me, who ate my sandwich!
Yeah that's right Diesel. I know where you vacationed. And just how did that boy get hooked to that semi-truck anyway? There are no such things as coincidences! Start talking...
Jack: Let's get this straight...you put a plastic playhouse on a platform in a tree... your son's nickname is Climber... and you thought WHAT, would happen?
Diesel: "The ear and nose trimmer I got you for your birthday was just money down the drain, ey?"
"I'm warning you, Diesel, you either cough up the funding for Young Guns 3 or I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!"
"Are you serious? Delaware really IS a state?"
Jack Bauer: Now listen, Diesel, you're gonna tell me which mattress belongs to the terrorists now or I'm gonna rub your face in these dirty linens.
* C'mon, Diesel, I've gotta know ... WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHIRT?
* Kiefer: FOR THE LAST TIME, I say, "Knock, knock ..." and YOU say, "Who's there?"
* Now listen, Diesel, you sit RIGHT HERE and think about what you've done while I clean up this mess!
Prelude to fellatio
Diesel: My Adjutant Inspectors will be here any minute now and then you'll be sorry.
Jack: Oh God, tell me you didn't eat the mushrooms that were in this bag. They were poisonous!
Jack: I'm sorry man, but it doesn't look good. The gangrene has spread, we'll have to amputate.
Jack: Let's get one thing straight - I'm the winner of this week's caption contest.
Jack: You took the tag off your mattress, now you're gonna pay!
* On my previous comment the O Canada caption should read:
Kiefer: I'm not letting you out of here until you sing "O Canada". I don't care how much you beg.
Diesel: "What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?"
Jack: "NO one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief element is surprise. SURPRISE!"
You know...they make nose hairs clippers for that.
What do you mean you won't fix me up with Mrs. Diesel's sister?
Diesel: "I've plucked them, like, three times now. Are you sure they still show?"
Kiefer: "Sister, you know I never tease about the nasal hairs. Now hit the tweezers one more time, and then I'll wear you proudly on my arm to the Emmys. Those television close-ups can be brutal, so up you go...one more time to Mr. Mirror, sweetcheeks!"
Diesel: "Okay, okay! I'm SORRY I called you Donald. NOW will you let me go?"
Diesel: I've told you a dozen times! I don't know Schitt, Jack!
Kiefer: "OK - let's go over it one more time: Only when I put the paper towel over your nose and say 'Blow'. THEN you blow your nose."
Diesel: "Look! Over there! A flying monkey!"
Whoa! That's one heck of a shiner you got there.
"One word, Jack: Mentos."
Diesel: "How long have I been here?"
Jack: "Well, just One Day, but it probably seems like 4. The first hour felt like a 1/2 a day. The second seemed like another 1/2 a day. Hours three through seven felt like 4 hours, but then hour 8 felt like another 1/2 a day... wait. Ya know what? I have all this written down somewhere, I can show it to you, if you like."
"Tell me what I want to know, Diesel, or I'll make you smell my pits. And by the way, I've been wearing the same sweatshirt for six months."
"Take it back, Diesel. We do NOT have the same hairline."
"I don't care if you 'called' it. I sat here first."
"Uh, Jack, no offense, but I've seen what happens to all your new partners, and if it's all the same to you I'm going to opt for quick death by asphyxiation."
"A plastic bag is not a toy, jack. Seriously, it says so on the side."
"Ok, ok, I'm sorry I called Audrey a googly-eyed monkey baby!"
"Man, do I know how you feel, Jack. One time I was stuck in Chinatown for like 3 hours when my transmission went out."
"I dare you! Say 'what' one more #$&@%*% time!"
"M.A.S.H., now there was a movie. They don't make them like that any more. Oh, and Ordinary People! Really, some of his best work, I think. But listen to me, going on like this! Anyway, what have you been up to?"
"No, I'm pretty sure it's K-E-E-F-E-R. Do you have internet here? We could look it up on IMDB."
"Ricky Schroder? Seriously? The Silver Spoons kid? That's your competition? And you're not just a little bit embarrassed about that?"
"No, really, it's a nice house, Diesel. It's just... tell me why the ceilings are so low again?"
"Wow, I did not know that. The lead singer of INXS, huh? That's unbelievable. So... what do you want to do now?"
"See how I'm cocking my head like this, into the light? That's my good side. I've got a million tricks like that. Stick with me, Overbite, and you'll go far."
"Not jeans, genes. I said the key to my acting prowess is in my genes, Diesel. You know, DNA? Man, you're dumb."
"Gun or plastic bag, Diesel. 'Noogies' are not one of the options."
"Diesel, I got the bubble wrap. Did you get the Coors Light? This party is going to be off the hook!"
"Hey, can you untie me a sec? You just said the word 'protocol' like six times, so I've got a lot of shots to do."
"Ok, we're going to try this one more time. It's 'Pattycake, patty cake, baker's man...'"