Mattress Police News Briefs #3

Belgium: France Keeps Touching Me
In an incident that threatens to upset the delicate balance of power in Europe’s metaphorical backseat, Belgium has once again accused France of unwanted touching.

The site of the alleged touching is an area surrounding the Meuse River, just west of Luxembourg. At a press conference on Tuesday, Belgian Foreign Minister Hans Phillipe showed satellite photos which he insisted “show clearly that France is poking Belgium.”



France’s ambassador to Belgium, Jean-Marie St. Claude characterized Belgium’s claims as “ridiculous.” In a written statement, he said that France was clearly on its side of the Franco-Belgian border.

The other Benelux countries, who asked to remain anonymous, were supportive of Belgium. “This isn’t the first time that France has stuck its finger where it isn’t wanted,” one of the countries said. The other one offered, “I don’t think that’s a finger.” Western Europe responded with a collective “ewwww” and demanded that Paris clean up its act.

The incident immediately set off an outcry in the United States that Paris be sent back to jail where she belongs.

Paula Abdul Has Been Replaced by a Box of Mewing Kittens
In a stunning announcement, executives at the Fox network admitted that several months ago Paul Abdul was replaced in her role as an American Idol judge by a box of mewing kittens. “We intended to say something at the time, but we kind of forgot,” said Karen Ngyen, Fox’s Vice President for Reality Programming. “And then when nobody noticed….” Ngyen shrugged.

Abdul’s co-judge Randy Jackson admitted that he suspected something in January, when all he heard from Abdul’s chair regarding a particularly dreadful performance by Sanjaya Malakar was some barely audible mewing. “I thought maybe she was having a problem with her mike,” Jackson said.

Simon Cowell insisted he knew about the replacement almost from the beginning. “One night I found myself having a particularly scintillating conversation with Paula about the state of the Balkans, and I just sensed that something was different about her. When I began to feel oddly attracted to her, I knew something was wrong. I took her home with me and when she drank an entire bowl of warm milk I realized that she was, in fact, a cardboard box of kittens."



Fox executives insisted that there was mutual agreement that replacing Paula with a box of kittens was the best thing for everyone. “It started when Paula locked herself inside her car twenty minutes before showtime and she called us to send someone to get her. The page we sent to retrieve her picked up a box of abandoned kittens by the side of the road by mistake. No one realized what had happened until the wardrobe people commented that none of Paula’s outfits seemed to fit her. The kittens were real troopers about the whole ordeal, and agreed to go on with just the box.”

Abdul’s whereabouts are unknown.

Death of Man Who Used the Word ‘Libary’ Ruled Justifiable Homicide
In what could be a precedent-setting case, the killing of a 26 year old man in Ripon, California was ruled to be justified. David Simons, 38, never denied pummeling Cody McDonnell to death with a heavy glass paperweight.

“Oh, I killed him alright,” said Simons.

Simon’s defense rested on his claim that McDonnell repeatedly pronounced the word 'library' without the first ‘r’ moments before the attack.

“He was all like, ‘Hey, let’s go down to the libary. College chicks hang out at the libary. Libary, libary, libary.’ I just snapped and grabbed the paperweight.”

The jury deliberated for twenty minutes before concluding that McDonnell had it coming. “I think we can all empathize with David Simons,” said jury foreman Ed Smit. “But then, I once shot a man for putting an apostrophe in the possessive form of its.”


This just in: humor-blogs.com now has a higher population than Canada.