Trippin'

My vacation couldn’t have come at a better time, blogging-wise, because frankly I was running out of material. One thing about being a man of leisure is that not very much interesting happens to me on a given day. Generally this is good thing, because interesting usually means unexpected, which usually means bad news. An ancient Chinese curse goes, “May you live in interesting times.” I’ve been blessed to have avoided many interesting times lately. Even my vacation went basically as expected, which is always nice. Fortunately for my blogging career, cross-country travel continues to get more interesting, in a sort of surreal Kafkaesque way.

Diesel's Travel Log

11:59 PM (Pacific Time)
We depart from the Oakland airport for Chicago/Midway. Remember when “red eye” meant a nearly intolerable trip aboard an excruciatingly cramped 737 with lousy food and laughably inadequate pillows and blankets? Well, those days are over. They no longer give you food, pillows or blankets.

12:18 PM (Pacific Time)
A couple next to us begins conversing in Spanish. Judging by the volume, they are used to having these conversations just outside the plane. Climber and Speed Pony fall asleep.

6:24 AM (Central Time)
La terminacion de la conversacion!

6:31 AM (Central Time)
Great news: Our plane is getting into Chicago early! Got about six minutes of sleep on the plane, so I feel refreshed if slightly disoriented.

6:42 AM (Central Time)
Even better news: Midway airport is so efficient that sometimes they close runways for construction until three minutes before a plane is scheduled to land! We run out of fuel while waiting for the runway to open and take a nice little detour to scenic Rockford, Illinois. I am a little disappointed there are no T-shirts available that read, “I refueled in Rockford, IL and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

7:47 AM (Central Time)
This time we land in Chicago. We retrieve our luggage and head for the rental counter, where we’re offered a PT Cruiser! The excitement is almost too much for me, and I nod off a little and drool on the counter. They ask if I’m going to be the only driver. I say yes, if you don’t include the purple monkey that taunts me when I close my eyes. They give me two identical keys, on a keychain whose ends have been crimped together so that the keys are impossible to remove. “Ah,” I say. “In case I lose one of them.”

8:09 AM (Central Time)
We find our PT Cruiser in the lot. On the dash is a placard informing us that the car was “serviced” by a Mr. Wilson. Mr. Wilson is evidently a blind chain smoker. As I peel around corners, jeered on by the purple monkeys, the placard slides wildly about the dash, and Mrs. Diesel and I amuse ourselves by chastising it. “Mr. Wilson!” we chide. “Sit still!”

1:02 PM (Eastern Time)
After 3 hours of driving, we pull over to rest. We are taken in by an elderly couple who turn out to be my parents. Mrs. Diesel and I stumble inside and fall asleep on the nearest pieces of furniture while Climber and Speed Pony entertain their grandparents.

Fortunately, the return trip was somewhat less interesting. There was, of course, the Scariest Motel Ever, but that will have to wait for another time….

Humor-blogs.com has all the laughably inadequate pillows you could ever want.