First things first: If you're here looking for information on my book, scroll down to the Antisocial Commentary Release Party post. Or, if the sight of my surly face is enough to convince you to buy it, just go directly to the order page. Note: to order the book, you will need to know the name of at least one of the Marx brothers. This prevents spam-bots from filling out the form, unless they have an above average knowledge of classic comedy. In case you don't know the names of any of the Marx brothers (I know, I can't believe it either), just put in "Groucho." And yes, for you fellow smartasses, "Karl" will also work.
On to the caption contest! If you're new here, here's how this works: I insert myself into a scene from a movie or TV show, because I'm a raving narcissist. You supply a caption in the comments. Normally the deadline is Monday night, but I'm going to give you until Tuesday at noon this week, since I'm a little late posting this. Mrs. Diesel will pick her favorites and I'll post a poll for you to vote on. The winner gets a signed digital copy of the photo and my undying houseplants.
Have fun, and good luck!
Listed on humor-blogs.com.
On to the caption contest! If you're new here, here's how this works: I insert myself into a scene from a movie or TV show, because I'm a raving narcissist. You supply a caption in the comments. Normally the deadline is Monday night, but I'm going to give you until Tuesday at noon this week, since I'm a little late posting this. Mrs. Diesel will pick her favorites and I'll post a poll for you to vote on. The winner gets a signed digital copy of the photo and my undying houseplants.
Have fun, and good luck!
Listed on humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Caption Contest, Movies
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Told ya' we shoulda worn our hats, Matt. They always serve the guys in the cool hats first.
"So what did you put in Affleck's suitcase?"
"Couple dog biscuits and some kiddie porn."
"Nice... nice..."
re: the antispam...will chico and harpo also work? ;)
reiner and gould weren't avaialble for this sequel so we hired diesel as the one to dress in goofy clothes.
oh and zeppo....will zeppo work?
oh and as i have been catching up on my own backlog of blog reading, may i also say i completely agree with your explanation as to how building inspectors are spawned....
Although it pained them to sit on the flights home from Copenhagen, Matt and George were in sweet secret bliss after finally meeting the top of their dreams.
Clooney: So this is Milwaukee's Airport....
Damon: Yup.
Clooney: Purgatory, huh?
Damon: So I've heard.
Clooney: Eh, could be worse. At least it's got happy hour.
Damon: Yup.
(Please tell me someone gets the cross movie reference.)
Diesel: Unlike Clooney & Damon, I don't need shades to seem cool.
Oddly enough, the planes for "Dorktown" and "Coolville" were boarding from the same gate.
I'm not the only one who thought of "Karl"? Bummer.
Clooney (to Damon): What? You don't think he'll fit in the overhead bin?
Clooney: "Dude, he's still here."
Damon: "Will you just buy the damn Chiclets already!"
"Must... Touch.. George... Clooney...
"Dammit, Diesel! Get your hearing tested, man. I said 'Shades', not 'Cerveza'!"
"Please tell me those guys are coming to take this dweeb wearing his kid's cowboy hat."
Clooney: Juuust look in the opposite direction and ignore him Matt, and just maybe the drunken hobo will leave.
Damon: OK, but I don't know if I can for long because I'm physically attracted to tweed hats.
Clooney: Tweed hats?.. wait.. what? No, never mind, I don't think I wanna' know.
Diesel: HEY *hic* GUYS! Aren' *hic* Aren't you the gu' *hic* the guys from that moooo *hic* moooovie?
Damon: I know George, juuuust ignore the hat.
Clooney: Good boy Matt, good boy.
Guy with ticket -- Crap, the turd has the middle seat.
Skul
These pictures crack me up. Got nuttin.
The stick up my ass hasn't expanded to fit my ass like the sticks up their asses. I can still change from a window to an aisle.
(Okay, I'm gonna try...cringe)
"Brad Pitt's replacement for Ocean's Fourteen. The sequel to the sequel to the sequel is doomed."
Diesel: Sorry about that guys, it must've been the six helpings of beans'n cabbage I ate.
___________________________________
Diesel: My moma always said life is like a box of ch-*hic*-chocolates...mmmm chocolate.
___________________________________
Damon: God that hat is f---ing ugly.
Clooney: Damnit Matt, I told you not to make eye contact.
Diesel: George, have you ever drunken "FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY"? I'm telling you man, this beer is the best.
Damon: Are you guys holding hands again?
George: Er, no!
Damon: I'm going to move, everyone is staring.
Cut! Dammit, Clooney, where's your freaking sombrero?! And you know Damon's
gonna do whatever you do! I said, "incognito." That doesn't just mean throw your
shades on. This is "Ocean's", not "Superman." Is Diesel the only professional around
here?! I swear I'm done with you two morons.
Okay, okay, you win! You out-drank us at Tijuana Tim's Tequila Table! Now would you take off your "lucky outfit" and get back to business?! That was three weeks ago, for Pete's sake!
All right, cut! Diesel, if you're gonna keep looking at the camera, I'm gonna have to make you wear shades, like these other two idiots.
Ocean's 16: For All the Tacos in Tijuana
"Just don't look at him. Maybe he'll go away."
1. Diesel- Wow...blind people keep getting better looking all the time!
2. Diesel- Ahhh, adult diapers...the traveling beer drinker's best friend.
Announcer: "And please give a warm welcome to Bachelor #3!"
Diesel: "Crap."
Damon: Matt Damon
Clooney: Save Darfur
Diesel: I spy something with the letter 'A' in the airport bookstore
Diesel: "Psssst...you guys wanna buy a book off me? You gotta give me the name of one of the Marx brothers first, though."
It took 13 beers and his lucky yarmulke, but Diesel finally worked up the nerve to make his move. Needless to say, George was touched by the gesture.
Bartender: "I don't care who you say you are. There's a dress code here and you don't get served drinks unless you are wearing a hat!"
"Dude. I'm gonna shank that bitch in wardrobe for this getup."
Damon: Wow, that's one fine looking lady. I think her breasts are her best quality.
Clooney: Nah, I think her butt stands out more to me. You know, the type you can palm all day long. What about you, D?
Diesel: She has size 13 feet, so I figure that her boner would be her most outstanding 'quality'. Glasses improve vision, dark shades impair. Now let me drink my beer in peace.
Clooney: "Why are we here, Matt?"
Damon: "George, for the last time, I heard there was a guy named Diesel who runs something called the Mattress Police. I just ASSUMED there would be naked girls here."
Clooney: "I think he's touching my leg now..."
Diesel's 1st visit to Madame Tussauds wax museum:
"Wow, they even taste real"
Mrs. D: "I am not taking a picture of you licking George Clooney! GEEZ,I can't take you anywhere!"
"So yeah my blogging buddies tell me it would make a great movie. I have a copy right here."
"What have you two got against lakes?"
"Let's ignore the dick."
"You got it."
Donde esta el diesel fitter?
Despite the beer, party hats and celebrity appearances, all were in agreement that this was the most boring book release party in recent memory.
What did you expect, Danny? If we rob every casino in Vegas, eventually they're going to start giving out shitty prizes.
Diesel: I can't believe you guys forgot about "Crazy Hat Day!" Again!
Diesel: "Seriously, the guy said that they would turn dark once I went indoors. Maybe it's because I haven't taken them outdoors yet, you know, I bought them inside. Actually, I bought them in the airport and then I got a beer from right next door and, you know, I thought I could see the menu too well for wearing shades and all and I..."
Matt and George: "Shut up!"
Thinks George....'Geezus Brad's look has really gone third world since he started shacking up with Angie.'
Just stopping by to say hi via Logo.
Congratulations on your new book!
xo
Blue
Damon: Why is that guy wearing that hat?
Clooney: Why is this guy next to me holding my hand?
Diesel: Let me guess, I'm wearing my son's hat and that's not my wife's hand.
"Drinking on the job...Jesus! I can't even *look* at him!"
"Me either, me either."
No Damn Cloo why we didnt get a drink!
Keshi.
[Julia Roberts, approaching] Yeesh! Georgie's new buddy must have
the biggest c*ck in North America!
Leroy's timing couldn't have been worse. Ironically, his very fantasizing about them (and the "strategically placed" newspaper he pretended to read) thwarted the one chance he would get to see his "top three," together, in the flesh, just as he had always pictured them.
George: [After a half hour schmooze-fest from Diesel] OK, OK, I'll write the goddam introduction, and you can use a quote from Matt on the back cover. Now, will you just please f***-the-goddam off and leave us to bask in our usual state of zen-like celebrity?
Diesel: Could you get Michel Pfieffer to mention it on Letterman?
There was no question. He was the best in the business. How else could he have been pulled into such a production? But Diesel knew: if he screwed up the spit-take one more time, he was out. He slowly lowered his beer, his mouth on a hair trigger. And as he felt a dangerous hint of a smile forcing itself against his will, only he could hear himself scream, "Say it, dammit! Say your f---ing line!"
They tried to play it cool, but they just couldn't stop staring. What the hell was a burro doing in an airport?
Diesel: Can one of you guys just pretend to be my boyfriend for a few minutes? That guy over there, the one wearing socks with his sandals, he wouldn't leave me alone all the way in from Honolulu.
Yo quiero Ben.
"I already tried that excuse. When I told him I couldn't promote his book becase I didn't have a blog, he said he'd create one for me."
"because" even! :)
DAMON: Man, Brad sure is looking hot today, isn't he?
CLOONEY: Yeah, just look at him standing over there. He's got it going on.
DIESEL: I'm not impressed.
just so you know... that last "caption" of mine wasn't so much a "caption" as a "caption gone wrong"... i.e. i was working on something, and hit the "publish" button by mistake. d'oh!
While Clooney and Pitt cooly ignored the invasive tourist, Diesel thought this was the best trip to Universal Studios, ever.
Boss, We'll need to photoshop this next suit advertisement. Seems the camera shot was wider than it should have been.
Like all sequels, "The Three Amigos, Part Dos" sucked like a bad bean burrito.
This post has been removed by the author.
In order to generate publicity for his new book, Diesel tries to get into celebrity rehab, but just like high school finds himself hanging with the wrong crowd.
"Yo quiero a new agent," thought Clooney and Pitt simultaneously.
Diesel: Damnit, I forgot the sunglasses. The hot chick can see me staring at her. Maybe I can distract her with my beer.
Why did you take Brad out??? You bastard!
HSHSHSHSHS. aa[[strmy;uo vsm trsf/ svyis;;u ;pplrf... EJSY YJR JR;;Z????
oops. i meant to say...
HAHAHAHAHA. apparently i should have actually looked at the flippin' picture before leaving even ONE stupid comment, let alone proof read. D'OH!
thinking i won't be among the finalists this week. thinking that's okay.
also thinking i MUST get my Ritalin prescription refilled before the day is over. sigh.
Señor Diesel Pitter?
"Did you ever feel like the whole world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"
Having already secured the part of Woody in the live action version of "Toy Story," Diesel sipped his beer and smirked as he thought of how silly Matt and George were going to look when they were cast as Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.
Diesel, Clooney, Damon thinking to themselves: I make this look gooooood!
Inclusive Advertising at it's utmost extreme.
MATT: So, George, you heard about this dude who inserts himself into celebrity scenes and runs a caption contest on his blog, right?
GEORGE: Yeah, well, if he tries inserting himself into one of mine, I'm going to be inserting something somewhere that HE won't like. . .
DIESEL (thinking silently to self): Heh, heh, heh. They have NO idea.
Matt and George think: If we keep ignoring him, maybe he'll go back to the Tom Green fanatics tour group...
1. Hear no evil, see no evil, drink no evil.
2. Afflectionately yours
3. Three-to-air TV
4. Is that why Diesel fumes?
"If we ignore the weird dude in the hat maybe he'll just go away."
Damon: Wasn't me.
Clooney: Wasn't me.
Diesel: Was it me?
Obviously, these dorks on my right don't know from cool.
See, Clooney, that douchebag in the straw hat is gonna get us noticed. He just isn't right.
Linus Caldwell: Sure it was a good idea to bring this joker in on the job?
Danny Ocean: He'll be fine. Look at that hat! Who wouldn't believe he is a tourist from Wisconsin?
George Clooney's split personality disorder (artist's rendering)