It irritates me that marijuana is illegal. Not because I smoke pot, but because I think throwing people in jail for growing marijuana is a phenomenal waste of tax dollars, considering that there are so many other plants that I'd like to see outlawed.
There are many differing opinions on marijuana, but here's something we can all agree on: Poison ivy sucks ass. If we're going to outlaw plants, why don't we start with poison ivy? Is there a strong pro-poison ivy lobby that I'm not aware of? Who exactly is standing in the way of outlawing poison ivy? Is it Haliburton? It is, isn't it? Those greedy, rash-inducing bastards.
There is no poison ivy around my house, but my property is infested with plenty of other gratuitously cruel and ugly plants. I live in the California Central Valley, on a parcel of land that used to be an orchard. Yeah, I'm one of the people who's responsible for the disappearance of our precious farmland. Occasionally some wistful old crank will write a letter to the local paper complaining about how developers are destroying all of our farmland. "50 years ago this area was all orchards," they say. Which is true. On the other hand, why stop at 50 years? A hundred years ago, before we started moving rivers around, it was all desert. Why doesn't someone start a campaign to stop the destruction of our historic uninhabitable wastelands?
It is true, of course, that we need farmland. If we keep losing farmland, our nation's food production capabilities may decline to the point where our children are eating only six or seven meals per day. "Mommy, why don't we eat linner or snackfast any more?" little Susie will cry, clutching her growling tummy, now almost completely hidden by her extra-large t-shirt. What will we say then? That mommy needed a three stall garage so now there are no Cheetos farmers any more?
But as important as agriculture is to the cause of making sure America's children remain the largest in the world, it's not like the Central Valley has been farmland since the molten lava on earth's crust cooled over 800 years ago. Trust me, the greater Modesto area would not naturally revert to a scene on a salad dressing label if the pesky humans just stopped building stuff on it.
In fact, if I were to let my land revert to its "natural" state, it would look like this:
Pretty awful, huh? Instead, thanks to a lot of hard work and persistence, it now looks like this:
Yeah, I haven't had much time to work on the landscaping. Still, the trees look nice, don't they? I'm thinking some azaleas would really spruce the place up.
Here is a sampling of the "natural" vegetation around here:
We call this "puncture vine," or -- more affectionately -- "goat heads. " Doesn't look too bad, does it? Nice little yellow flowers, lovely greenery... but say, what are those little bumpy seed thingies?
A close-up of one of the "goat heads," also known as HOLY SHIT WHAT IS STICKING OUT OF MY FOOT?!?!
In case that's not clear enough, here's a magnified image:
Step on one of those things some time and then tell me that marijuana is really the problem we want to spend our resources on.
What the hell is that sticking out of my foot? Oh, it's just humor-blogs.com.
There are many differing opinions on marijuana, but here's something we can all agree on: Poison ivy sucks ass. If we're going to outlaw plants, why don't we start with poison ivy? Is there a strong pro-poison ivy lobby that I'm not aware of? Who exactly is standing in the way of outlawing poison ivy? Is it Haliburton? It is, isn't it? Those greedy, rash-inducing bastards.
There is no poison ivy around my house, but my property is infested with plenty of other gratuitously cruel and ugly plants. I live in the California Central Valley, on a parcel of land that used to be an orchard. Yeah, I'm one of the people who's responsible for the disappearance of our precious farmland. Occasionally some wistful old crank will write a letter to the local paper complaining about how developers are destroying all of our farmland. "50 years ago this area was all orchards," they say. Which is true. On the other hand, why stop at 50 years? A hundred years ago, before we started moving rivers around, it was all desert. Why doesn't someone start a campaign to stop the destruction of our historic uninhabitable wastelands?It is true, of course, that we need farmland. If we keep losing farmland, our nation's food production capabilities may decline to the point where our children are eating only six or seven meals per day. "Mommy, why don't we eat linner or snackfast any more?" little Susie will cry, clutching her growling tummy, now almost completely hidden by her extra-large t-shirt. What will we say then? That mommy needed a three stall garage so now there are no Cheetos farmers any more?
But as important as agriculture is to the cause of making sure America's children remain the largest in the world, it's not like the Central Valley has been farmland since the molten lava on earth's crust cooled over 800 years ago. Trust me, the greater Modesto area would not naturally revert to a scene on a salad dressing label if the pesky humans just stopped building stuff on it.
In fact, if I were to let my land revert to its "natural" state, it would look like this:
Pretty awful, huh? Instead, thanks to a lot of hard work and persistence, it now looks like this:
Yeah, I haven't had much time to work on the landscaping. Still, the trees look nice, don't they? I'm thinking some azaleas would really spruce the place up.
Here is a sampling of the "natural" vegetation around here:
We call this "puncture vine," or -- more affectionately -- "goat heads. " Doesn't look too bad, does it? Nice little yellow flowers, lovely greenery... but say, what are those little bumpy seed thingies?
A close-up of one of the "goat heads," also known as HOLY SHIT WHAT IS STICKING OUT OF MY FOOT?!?!
In case that's not clear enough, here's a magnified image:
Step on one of those things some time and then tell me that marijuana is really the problem we want to spend our resources on.
What the hell is that sticking out of my foot? Oh, it's just humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Building, California, Exemplary Police Work, Politics
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800 years ago huh? Dang, and here I thought I was a hard core "young earther". Seems you've beat me yet again Diesel! :)
Ooooh! You live in MORDOR County, Calfornia. That got great flaggans of mead there.
I remember our mutual college roommate, Topher, once said: "You get the impression some people think the world would be a better place if there weren't any people."
Seemed like a strange thing to say at the time, since it was apropos of nothing... (just kidding)
OMG! That magnified shot is freaky!
Have you by chance seen a ring lying around? If you do, it's mine. No, realli.
When we moved out to our little piece-o-paradise, the only crop that we displaced was cattle. The crops that remained were poison oak and fire ants. I paid someone else to remove the poison oak - an illegal willing to do it without Dick Cheney's permission - but the fire ants are still there. On the plus side, they do keep the fleas and termites in check.
And we've found that if you keep the weeds mowed nice and level, the neighbors can't tell them from a real lawn.
Haha... I know exactly what you are talking about... my dog brings them in my apartment all the time and it's aweful when you step on them. I've never experienced the devil-thorn until I moved here. Haha...
While we're busy outlawing plants, please add cockleburrs (Which appear to be kin to the puncture vine) and Johnson grass (which spread by underground rhizomes and will completely take over your garden). Put those on the list and I'll back the legislation.
Save the Cheetos farmers!!!
Love the after picture of your place - you must have done away with all the scary creatures with your mighty sword. Which, in your case, is the mighty "pen."
Love your sense of the absurd - and your ability to see it.
Yes I can see you oh Wizard Diesel presiding over your castle.
Hahahaha, a funny post indeed. But seriously you know, the poison ivy is for fighting terrorism. As I think about it, that may be a viable solution.
I'm going to call the White House.
I was told that poison ivy was Bush and Cheney's new weapon in the war on terror. After we "surge" them in submission we're going to sneak into their camps and rub it all over them while they sleep. After that it will only be a matter of hours before they beg us for help and surrender.
Actually, it's the most promising strategy they've proposed so far!
i think they should outlaw prickly pears. i mean, really...that's just the worst of all possible fruits. pears are bad enough on their own -- why make matters worse by biting into one that's already upset?
i don't get it. i really don't.
You should see the fertilizer that Cheeto's Farmers use.
It gets all over their sprayers, and it's really hard to wipe off, so they just end up licking them clean.
Vegans don't want to eat anything with a face. Can you imagine magnified shots of all those veggies in the garden? (Shudders.) What'll they eat?
BTW, weeds must have a skull face.
Maybe the vegetable plants have a friendlier face.
See? And people wonder why I moved away from that veritable paradise known as Salida. (Better known to Ripon-ites as Ripon's uglier, less date-able sister across the river that smells like the crotch of a cow with dysentery")
Of course moving to Sacramento didn't really help all that much. I mean, we still get goatheads... crap. I should have kept going until I got to Alaska.
Like they said in Die Hard...make fists with your toes...fists with your toes. You'll be ok.
Michelle - OVER 800 years. I'm open to the possibility that the earth is up to 825 years old.
Howard - And we're the world capital of the Destroying Evil Artifacts in Molten Lava industry.
GS - Of course that's a ridiculous notion. Everyone knows the world is better with me in it.
Candace - My PRECIOUS!!!
Jami - What if I just spray paint the dirt green?
Erica - It sucks bigtime for dogs. Seriously, you could easily pick up ten of those things in one step.
CS - Out here the lawn-destroyer is bermuda grass. A lot of people just give up and call it a lawn.
Robin - It's too late, Robin. Too late.
Beth - The scary creatures are all home picking those damn things out of their feet.
G - I think it's the poison ivy that turns people into terrorists. I've had it bad enough a few times that I almost strapped a bomb to my chest, but the straps made me itch like crazy.
Jeff - I want to get that special ops nocturnal terrorist rubbing training. You know, just for something different in bed.
Crazy Aunt Bea - Also, Touchy Pears and Grumpy pears.
Joel - And then they always have to spray just a little more, and end up getting their sprayers all dirty again.
Shari - I don't mind eating stuff with a face, as long as it's not better looking than me.
QoD - Yeah, Salida is like Modesto without all the "culture." But then what do you expect from a town named "Exit"? I guess it's better than "Lard."
Variant E - Sure, then I'll have shard of glass stuck in my feet too. Thanks.
Yikes, I was picking this shit outa my hair, clothes, shoes, and carpet for about a month! It never goes away. I even found some after washing above items. Persistant little bastards...
No, I wasn't rolling on the ground. I was meerly clearing out some space for my garden.
That was absolutely hilarious! I dugg it for you. And stumbled it too. Then I kicked it. Then I punched it in the clavicle just for good measure.
I had no idea Tolkien drew so much inspiration from the central Californian landscape.
Maybe I've been reading old literature but I'd expect the land of Sodom and Gomorrah to have well watered plains.
Love the pics, don't care much for your neighbours, mind. You must save a fortune on central heating..
Great post. Very, very informational.
After we dave the Cheetos farmers, we can then turn our attention to the Okeedokee Corn Puffs farmers who have remained unremembered lo these many years.
Such wit and charm are rare to find in the blog world these days. Just browsing blogs and found yours this morning. I thank you for a job well done.
I remember stepping on those Goatheads when I was young. They taught me how to swear.
Skul
Claire - I know, they really are horrible. I just spent another hour spraying Roundup just to keep them at a manageable level.
Joseph - Thank you, sir!
Logophile - Who's this 'Tolkien' you speak of?
SWS - You don't know the half of it. They keep sending their kids over to my house to riffle through my jewelry box.
Jon - I think a moment of silence is in order.
Andromeda - Are you sure you're talking about MY blog?
Skul - Yes, they are definitely a bad influence.
I had to ride on perpetually flat bike tires as a kid due to goat heads.
I say we ban em!
I've always wanted to boil a big pot of Poison Ivy and then put the broth in a squirt gun and spray some building inspectors to see if they have continuity!
Wait, marijuana is illegal?
How can we hope to preserve our way of life when we cannot even ensure the survival of our most beloved and revered institutions? Oh, how I mourn the loss of our Cheetos farmers!
I can't believe this! I can't begin to tell you how many goatheads I've pulled from my burning, calloused feet. And I'm not surprised that they look like that under extreme magnification. Good work. When they are still green, you can bend their thorns and laugh at them.
Wow, you have quite a blog here !
Okay, first thing : is this California ? Damn ! I was picturing something a bit more "flower power" and a bit less "Mordor country" as Howard said ! :D
I don't smoke weed myself (well, I did but just not right now) but I still don't understand why people end up in jail because of it. I mean, as you said it's such a waste of money, and let's be honest, there's usually a huge gap between Colombian drug dealers like and the corner store dude who likes pot a bit too much !
Wow, that was ... uh ... what were we just talking about?
hilarious!
I whole-heartedly agree.
I've given up on gardening around here.
I've simply renamed my gardens:
Weed Garden
Herb Garden
In my humble experience the prolific and truly evil is the dreaded Bind Weed. It stealthy tenticles reach out and strangle anything in its wake. I found a chimpmunk strung up on my chain link fence the other day.
Its a real wolf in sheep's clothing. By day it blooms with lovely white (color of purity, seemingly innocent)trumpet like flowers ala morning glory.
By night...it prowls.
binding everything in its wake.
I have never heard of goat head. Cockleburrs, I am familiar with! They look about the same!