I think Barnes and Noble is on to me.
I think they've figured out that I'm one of those people who just browses through books for an hour, leaves them on the wrong shelf, and then walks out without buying anything. How else can you explain the fact that the alarm goes off every time I enter the store?
I've gotten into the habit of holding up my hands and shouting "It's just me!" whenever I walk into the store, which is usually pretty effective at negating suspicions. Except, of course, on those rare occasions when the alarm doesn't go off for some reason, in which case it has precisely the opposite effect. Funny how a preemptive declaration of harmlessness freaks people right out.
One time I carried a book from Barnes and Noble into Starbucks next door, picked up a coffee, then brought the book back into the store, at which point the alarm went off. An employee shot me an accusatory look. I sheepishly held up the book, demonstrating my willingness to cooperate.
"You can't take books out of the store," she said.
"Apparently I can take books out of the store," I replied. "What I can't do, at least without getting a lot of unwanted attention, is to bring books back into the store."
She clearly wanted to punish me in some way, but couldn't settle on her next course of action.
"Do you... want me to take the book back into Starbucks?" I said. "I promise not to bring it back into the store this time."
She grumbled something and walked off. You just can't satisfy some people.
I don't know how Barnes and Noble makes any money. Actually, I have my suspicions. I think they make all their money on those "bargain items" at the front of the store. You know the stuff I'm talking about: those oversized books and boxed "kits" that promise to teach you everything you need to know to get started with Feng Shui or drawing manga characters or mastering the art of the tarot.
I find these displays fascinating, because they're like a smörgåsbord* of lifestyle options. I like how they are always marked down from $19.95 to $14.95 or something. I imagine a young woman walking out of the store with her girlfriend, clutching one of those boxes.
Barnes and Noble has something for everybody, including people who hate to read. The last time I was there I saw an audio book of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Now that's niche marketing. It's the book for people who want to hear someone read a movie to them.
Every time I go to Barnes and Noble I have to spend half an hour browsing through the "humor" section. As a humor writer, this is therapeutic for me. Just when I start to feel a little guilty about shamelessly hawking my own book in every one of my posts, I pick up a book that is made up of 80 pages of "lessons" gleaned from Napoleon Dynamite -- one per page. The book was priced at $9.95, even though it looked like it had been written over a long weekend by a hungover middle schooler. Most of the books in the "humor" section are so painfully unfunny that they made me want to go to the literature section to take in a few pages of The Brothers Karamazov just to lighten my mood a bit. Not that there aren't any funny books there -- This book made me chuckle, and the Deep Thoughts collections are always good for some laughs. And of course there are books by the old pros, like Dave Barry and Woody Allen. But generally speaking, if you want to see something funny, you're better off browsing through some of the books they're trying to pawn off as "serious."
For example, I always find the "...for Dummies" books amusing. Well, mostly what I find amusing is the ambiguity of the titles. Fishing for Dummies, for example, sounds pretty cool. I have to admit that catching a dummy would be more exciting than landing a trout. Plus, dummies are way easier to gut. And when you're done cleaning your dummy, you can rely on your trusty copy of Sewing for Dummies to help you stitch your dummy back up so that it's suitable for hanging in your den.
And if the Dummies books are too advanced for you, there are also books for Complete Idiots. There's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sex, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Accounting, and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Astrology -- which, now that I think about it, is redundant.
Some day I'm going to launch a line of books for people who are too dumb for the Complete Idiot books. I'm going to call them ________ for Total F---ing Retards Who Can't Even Read So they Don't Know this Book is Filled Entirely With Lyrics from Def Leppard Songs. I'm not even going to bother to fill in the blank in the title, because what difference is it going to make? I'll just change the color of the cover once a month to indicate that a new edition has been released.
I'd love to write more, but I've got to go smuggle some more copies of Antisocial Commentary into the "summer reading" section.
*I'd like to thank the developers of the Firefox web browser for "correcting" my spelling by adding those funky alien symbols to that word.
Humor-blogs.com is like an online version of the Barnes and Noble "humor" section. Except it's funny.
I think they've figured out that I'm one of those people who just browses through books for an hour, leaves them on the wrong shelf, and then walks out without buying anything. How else can you explain the fact that the alarm goes off every time I enter the store?
I've gotten into the habit of holding up my hands and shouting "It's just me!" whenever I walk into the store, which is usually pretty effective at negating suspicions. Except, of course, on those rare occasions when the alarm doesn't go off for some reason, in which case it has precisely the opposite effect. Funny how a preemptive declaration of harmlessness freaks people right out.One time I carried a book from Barnes and Noble into Starbucks next door, picked up a coffee, then brought the book back into the store, at which point the alarm went off. An employee shot me an accusatory look. I sheepishly held up the book, demonstrating my willingness to cooperate.
"You can't take books out of the store," she said.
"Apparently I can take books out of the store," I replied. "What I can't do, at least without getting a lot of unwanted attention, is to bring books back into the store."
She clearly wanted to punish me in some way, but couldn't settle on her next course of action.
"Do you... want me to take the book back into Starbucks?" I said. "I promise not to bring it back into the store this time."
She grumbled something and walked off. You just can't satisfy some people.
I don't know how Barnes and Noble makes any money. Actually, I have my suspicions. I think they make all their money on those "bargain items" at the front of the store. You know the stuff I'm talking about: those oversized books and boxed "kits" that promise to teach you everything you need to know to get started with Feng Shui or drawing manga characters or mastering the art of the tarot.
I find these displays fascinating, because they're like a smörgåsbord* of lifestyle options. I like how they are always marked down from $19.95 to $14.95 or something. I imagine a young woman walking out of the store with her girlfriend, clutching one of those boxes.
Woman 1: I thought you were going to convert to Buddhism.
Woman 2: I was, but Calligraphy was on sale.
Barnes and Noble has something for everybody, including people who hate to read. The last time I was there I saw an audio book of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Now that's niche marketing. It's the book for people who want to hear someone read a movie to them.Guy 1: You know what I really loved about Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines?
Guy 2: The hot chick terminator?
Guy 1: No...
Guy 2: Arnold Schwarzenegger kicking ass?
Guy 1: No...
Guy 2: The awesome effects?
Guy 1: No...
Guy 2: The ever perky Claire Daines, in her best role since My So-Called Life?
Guy 1: No...
Guy 2: Okay, I give up. What did you love about Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines?
Guy 1: The lyrical dialogue and rich thematic subtext. It's too bad I never learned how to read.
Guy 2: Ooh, have I got a book for you!
Every time I go to Barnes and Noble I have to spend half an hour browsing through the "humor" section. As a humor writer, this is therapeutic for me. Just when I start to feel a little guilty about shamelessly hawking my own book in every one of my posts, I pick up a book that is made up of 80 pages of "lessons" gleaned from Napoleon Dynamite -- one per page. The book was priced at $9.95, even though it looked like it had been written over a long weekend by a hungover middle schooler. Most of the books in the "humor" section are so painfully unfunny that they made me want to go to the literature section to take in a few pages of The Brothers Karamazov just to lighten my mood a bit. Not that there aren't any funny books there -- This book made me chuckle, and the Deep Thoughts collections are always good for some laughs. And of course there are books by the old pros, like Dave Barry and Woody Allen. But generally speaking, if you want to see something funny, you're better off browsing through some of the books they're trying to pawn off as "serious."For example, I always find the "...for Dummies" books amusing. Well, mostly what I find amusing is the ambiguity of the titles. Fishing for Dummies, for example, sounds pretty cool. I have to admit that catching a dummy would be more exciting than landing a trout. Plus, dummies are way easier to gut. And when you're done cleaning your dummy, you can rely on your trusty copy of Sewing for Dummies to help you stitch your dummy back up so that it's suitable for hanging in your den.
And if the Dummies books are too advanced for you, there are also books for Complete Idiots. There's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sex, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Accounting, and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Astrology -- which, now that I think about it, is redundant.Some day I'm going to launch a line of books for people who are too dumb for the Complete Idiot books. I'm going to call them ________ for Total F---ing Retards Who Can't Even Read So they Don't Know this Book is Filled Entirely With Lyrics from Def Leppard Songs. I'm not even going to bother to fill in the blank in the title, because what difference is it going to make? I'll just change the color of the cover once a month to indicate that a new edition has been released.
I'd love to write more, but I've got to go smuggle some more copies of Antisocial Commentary into the "summer reading" section.
*I'd like to thank the developers of the Firefox web browser for "correcting" my spelling by adding those funky alien symbols to that word.
Humor-blogs.com is like an online version of the Barnes and Noble "humor" section. Except it's funny.
Labels: Books
 Stumble it!
|
 Digg it!
|
 
|
Leave a comment! |
You are quite hysterical, as usual. Oh, how I've missed you!
You should write a book or something.
I used to be a manager at B&N, so I know exactly how they make money: Slave Labor.
No, seriously, the highest profit margins in the store (by FAR) are
1. The Starbucks next door
2. Magazines.
Nothing else is close, though as manager I always thought we could make a KILLING by suing the nutcases we found whacking off in the men's bathroom to PG-13 magazines. Like 3 per week, no joke.
You should totally make this - ________ for Total F---ing Retards Who Can't Even Read So they Don't Know this Book is Filled Entirely With Lyrics from Def Leppard Songs.-into an audio book. It would rock!
I feel the same way about B&Ns young adult section (which is who I write for)...how many books about MTv characters does a teenager need for pete's sake?
I believe that "Cigar Magazine" is over-priced, and read it at B.& N. Just to amplify my objections, I place a small boogar inside the cover, and replace the publication on the rack. Is this wrong?
Speedcat Hollydale
I had no idea that Tara Reid's boobs were that big! Sell her a wavy shirt!
I love John Hodgeman. I should buy that book.
But first, I have to buy yours for everyone I know.
How many can I pre-order?
Book store huh? I'm guessing that would be a better use of my time than spending hours in the Hollywood Video reading the DVD covers.
I swear to whatever higher power you believe that when I got to the "This book made me chuckle" part and the link was to your book...
...well, I would have laughed my ass off actually.
* That word is Klingon and roughly translated (all Klingon translations are, by definition, rough) can mean either "poor choice" or "total fuckup".
And it's a little known fact that Clair Danes was one of the original figure models used to develop the E.T. character. Her and a Persian cat.
Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me
I'm pretty sure B&N makes all of their money from child labor book binding camps. Well, that and all the music I buy from them.
I'm quite enjoying all the babe pictures in the last few blogs. To quote Dom Irrera, does that make me gay?
They routinely elongate the necks of all women in mags. And take in the waist. Remove the bags unde the eyes. I'm afraid if I ever saw Faith Hill in person I wouldn't recognize her.
P.S. very funny post.
What! You don't buy books? And you've got us buying copies of your book?
You're an evil genius.
well, this was just a smörgåsbord of bloggy goodness, isn't it? yes, yes it is. (just wanted to see if Firefox would correct my spelling, as well.)
thinkin' your "sneak a few copies of Antisocial Commentary onto the bookshelves" marketing approach might be a FINE way to move a few more books. unless someone like, say, Speedcat Hollydale decides to sneak a peek, because ewwww. (sorry, but a booger stuck between two pages, while hilarious in theory, would be something quite different, if discovered by me. yikes!)
funniness, Asparagus Boy. and mighty GOOD funniness, at that. ; )
I always laugh at your posts, but this time I found the comments to be just as amusing.
Cindra - Do you think anybody would buy it?
Joel - That is extremely disturbing. I'm assuming that this was before teh internets?
Sarah - And maybe a movie of the audiobook!
Kat - Oh, I know. And take a look at sci-fi sometime. How much Star Trek/Star Wars/Dungeons & Dragons/whatever series do there have to be? Doesn't anybody just write a friggin' book from scratch any more?
Speedcat Hollydale - It sounds like that pales in comparison with what can be found in the men's magazines.
Cathouse Teri - Wavy shirts for everyone! You can preorder as many as you want. The current record is 5. So if you want to be my NBFF...
Jeff - Netflix, dude. I haven't even seen the inside of a video store for 2 years.
Howard - Even my shamelessness has its limits. Theoretically.
Jami - That makes a lot of sense, actually.
Justacoolcat - Is that what he's saying? Excellent. That's chapter 2.
Suzy - If liking boobs makes you gay, then, well, yes.
Beth - I prefer used bookstores. There's more of an air of unpredictability. And mildew.
Bea - Speaking of boogers, how you feeling? You didn't wipe any on my blog did you?
Claire - That's why I keep all these weirdos around.
ewwwwwwwww both of those women have disgustingly long necks. blech. lol
I Like Andy Griffiths writing. No not the one from mayberry the one from australia. hehehehe
Do you drink???
Hilare! But tots- you can judge a blog based off how hilarious it's readers are, RIGHT. So if you have funny commentors then it means you attract funny people because you write funny content?
Note: firefox has no good suggestion on "commentors". SOMEBODY's not a commentwhore.
Note 2m: firefox doesn't recognize commentwhore either.
Back to the point: this blog cracks me up with more consistency than my own! (which was about subway traffic today! hilare!)
Diesel: No, this is post-internet explosion.
People are just sick freaks is all.
You know, I was actually wondering how you made "smorgasbord" look so pretty...
I needed a few laughs today after my Night In Hell With The Hiccups, and you delivered. Big time! I am so LMAO.:-) If it weren't so darn hot outside, I'd crawl out my front door through the heat to my car, crank up the AC, and drive to Barnes & Noble.
no. that said, i wouldn't lick the screen for a couple of days, if i were you. just saying...
(i'm better, and thanks for asking) : )
I think you should lobby your local school districts to make Anticsocial Commentary required reading at, say, the 4th grade level.
"You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet,
From my head, my head, to my feet
Do you take sugar? One lump or two?"
Some commentaries about the human condition are too large to contain in a simple book.
"________ for Total F---ing Retards Who Can't Even Read So they Don't Know this Book is Filled Entirely With Lyrics from Def Leppard Songs." ... Poetry. Pure poetry!
Now that particular B&N looks a little frightening.
You know how you'll be browsing, and you'll come across a trilogy that looks interesting, but you can only find the 2nd and 3rd books? Now I realize why book 1 is always missing.
"Browsers" move them to another section!
Cheers and good luck with your book!
Is the picture from Baltimore?
I don't really shop in B&N, I just wait until they send me out an email announcing a clearance sale and stock up from their online sale.
Your post has given me an excellent idea.
I shall be at my local bookstore, browsing through your book instead of paying for it.
I have the same behavior pattern at Chapters here in Canada.
________ for Total F---ing Retards Who Can't Even Read So they Don't Know this Book is Filled Entirely With Lyrics from Def Leppard Songs ?
Do you have a copy ? I'd love to check it out. Although I never quite understood Def Leppard's songs, there are full of like you metaphors, see ?
Me were enjoying Me perusal of yer posts untill me came to the pics of Sophie Howard then me totally forgot what me were gonna write about Bars & Navels.
STOMP.
Yes you nailed it.
I buy those giant coffee table books from barnes and noble originally $249.95 marked down to $11.99. I get them home, plop down on the toilet and realize they are are so heavy they make my legs go to sleep.
Very funny post. You are definitely growing on me.
The last book I bought from the front of Barnes & Noble was 1000 GREATEST TYRANTS OF ALL TIME. Marked down to $10, and just screaming my 9-year-old's name at me. He loves it, which must show how dangerously deviant our lifestyle is.
Several years ago I set out to read an entire book at a Barnes and Noble spread out over six or seven visits ... just to say I did it ... and then and only then to pay for it.
I would have made it too, except that I chose a book with just one copy on the shelf and someone bought it before I got halfway through.
It's still on my list of 100 things to do, right up there with jumping in a cab and yelling "Follow that car!"
Funny post, by the way.
lol Diesel u r way too cool!
btw come ova to my place n get in the competition :)
Keshi.
HAHAHA! OMGosh, Diesel! I've been horrible at keeping up with my fave blogs since my students have been keeping me insanely busy. This post just about killed me though! You are sooooooooo funny!
That Barnes and Nobel lady must have been so peeved! LOL! You totally crack me up!
Still laughing at the Claire Danes and Tara Reid comments! Too funny!
Frustrated with "Idiots" and "Dummies" books? Sounds like you need my new book, "The Complete Idiot's Guide for Dummies."
Damn, that is one long neck. She looks like a Q-tip. If it wasn't for that stupid head of hers I could use that neck to play horseshoes.
And crap, you took my book idea. Only I was going to include poetry by Jewel, rather than Def Leppard songs.
That is my ultimate dream bookstore!! Is that a real store?! Where is it? I wanna go live there.
Good one here, Diesel.
I think I work with Woman 1 and Woman 2. Hate 'em both.
The Tara Reid thing? Some of your best work.
hehe another great post! :)
Claire Danes' neck is so long because her Peace Corps intership back in the mid 90's led her to Africa. As part of her integrating to the local society, she had her neck extended with those wooden rings.
While she considers it a mark of sacrifice or charity, everyone else thinks she's a stupid idiot.
Ah, so I see being funny is your profession. HA! No more kudos for you when you leave funny comments on Mindy's blog, buddy! Do I go around telling professional singers that they can sing well? Okay, I don't know any professional singers; bad example. Do I tell taxi drivers they're good at driving? Okay, most of them aren't... Do I tell my barber he did a good job trimming my hair? Wait, okay, I do that.
Oh fuck it. Never mind.
that is a scary picture of claire danes. And before you think I only looked at the pictures, I promise I read the text too. er...yes i did.
that is a scary picture of claire danes. And before you think I only looked at the pictures, I promise I read the text too. er...yes i did.
I'm so glad you stopped at my blog tonight, because I could NOT remember the url of yours, and I was searching around.
I think you've got yourself another fan now. This was a funny, funny, entry. I think you can appreciate that because you and I think alike when it comes to funny.
Have you checked out any of George Carlin's books?
Come on tell the truth, you're working there -Barnes and Noble - part time in some capacity?
Buddy-ism and Calligraphy- you never know there might be a/the way. A Swedish-style assortment, yes, I love blonds. Who wouldn't make money with an offer like that....much better than reading.
Books for complete Dummies you could be on to a winner; in fact you've given me an idea......... Great! Man, I'm goin' fishin'. Love it. Y;-) Paddy
I read in STAR that Claire Danes is part giraffe on her mother's side.
Our B & N makes all of it's money on biscotti.
I heard the alarm goes off when you enter the store because your book will put all the others to shame. And they are afraid; very afraid.
you win "funniest comment" award for suggesting my crack makes rounds.
bargain shelves at B&N make me feel sad. i imagine an author passing by and seeing her $19.95 novel was so unsuccessful it was marked down to $4.95.
thanks for a good read.
I'm a Barnes and Noble book-reading-never-buying addict. I'm so bad, I use B and N as a library. I'll actually go there will the sole purpose of taking notes conducting research, complete with notebook and pen in hand. And I'll walk out guilt-free. (mumbling: "Can't charge me $40 for a Basket-weaving for Dummies book."
If you think Claire Danes' neck is long, you should check out Sarah Silverman's. (And I thought long necks were an asset on the beauty market?) Not like moles, which shot up the DOW in the 90s when Cindy Crawford had it, but plummeted down when Enrique Iglesias did.
I wish my Barnes and Noble looked like yours. I'd never leave. Ever. I'd camp out in a corner and read all the magazines and drip coffee on the books.
I used to go to B&N with my sister and her husband and couldn't believe how must time they would spend there and still not buy anything. Finally I realized that they were both "stealth reading" books that they were too embarrassed to actually buy. Every week or so they'd go in and read a couple more chapters and then put the book back on the shelf.
In fact, my brother in law read the first two Harry Potter books that way. LOL
If you really want to mess with them, put a book on levitation up a couple of shelves from where it belongs.
So as per Dan's suggestion, this is my first browse to your blog. I must say... i will have a side of humor with my morning coffee from here on out. Nice to meet you.
cool blog!!! is that the barnes and noble in baltimore? if it is, i have been there.. very awesome place.
and you know how many times i've been asked to leave by the book troll?
i can't count that high :)
This post was utterly delightful in every way!!!! So glad I stumbled across it.
Double latte in hand,
a weighty tome on the other
Visit in order,
to that shrine
down the way
B and
an N
high walls of stone
guardians of knowledge
heroes of old
A new bed in town,
checking for tags
humor is heard
roaring laughter galore,
alas,
none for patrons
cruising the aisles,
all now
contained
in this new
little book.
There you Diesel, a literal poem for you. :)
Thanks for visiting my little blog.
This post was hilarious. I wonder why are people writing books about THE HILLS and THE REAL WORLD season 200? More importantly who buys these so-called books?
Where is that B & N in the photo? I go to the one at the Grove (here in Hell-ay) to check out the magazines all the time.
Sorry, I can't keep up with all the comments.
In response to the biggest Q: Yes, I think that's the B&N in Baltimore. I just did a google image search for Barnes and Noble. Pretty cool, huh?
Thanks, everybody!
This is a hoot and a half. I have often wondered about the self-respect of the Idiot guides purchasers. Thanks for identifying the next level of dum-dum.
And thanks for a laugh.
We have our share of B&N gestapo types. One manager wouldn't let me use a camera in the store because I didn't ask her first. The rush of power made her blush. It was awful. So I kept my hand on the camera bag and sipped a coffee like I was going to take, oooh, a picture. What we do for fun in the burbs. Disgraceful.
I hate, hate, HATE shopping at Barnes & Noble. I feel like I'm being surveilled by the employees the entire time. I'm not kidding, I've come so close to confronting a couple of them. ...but so far I've just shot them my "look", and they've skulked away. Ugh!
Well, my DS and I practically live at our B&N and rarely buy anything, but we've managed to make the staff think we're productive regulars. And they actually smile at us. Even though my DS vomited all over the rug there one day (I did clean it up, though, but still...)
cool, i was right! that's one in a row.
it's across from the baltimore aquarium. that hardrock cafe actually had good food too.
that's another one in a row..
anyhoo.. awesome blog. i will come back :)
I had no idea that Claire Danes was a giraffe before reading this and actually my son set off the alarm in b & n a couple of days ago -- it wasn't you. Am I a bad mom to admit I loved the look of terror on my son's face when he took off out the wrong door instead of waiting for his mom?
Barnes and Noble has restrooms!, dang I'm going there from now on, Borders got rid of theirs the bastages, and their cafe which B&N still have.
I'm tearing up my Borders reward card, or I would if I had the bloody strength.
When I walk in Borders and their alarms goes off I just apologize and say I stole the wrong item, gets some looks.
Claire Danes' neck is scary. LOL!
Really funny post. reminds me of the other day I was in Zara and the alarm kept beeping when i tried to leave the store. They ran my shopping bag across the alarm and it didn't beep. when i went through again, it beeps. I thought they were going to make me strip. it was sooooo embarrassing.
I thought Barnes and Nobles had coffee shops already in them?
I hate when those alarms go off. I just keep on walking. And I don't care for the implications of the Dummies/Idiots titles. (Except that Personal Finance for Dummies changed my life.)
Just FYI if you did not take that picture of Barnes & Noble, that Barnes & Noble sits on the inner Harbor of Baltimore, Maryland it's kind of actually a unique place inside with those original chimneys going all the way down to the ground of what used to be a coal plant. But I agree with you the profit in those places are the magazines in the drinks. You want to try getting into one of those in downtown Chicago by the University it's nuts!
My Barnes and Noble hates me because one of my kids (without fail) manages to pee or poop in their kids section whenever we go in there.(important health tip - do not sit on the rug in the kids section)And I never buy anything. Who does buy all those books? Are there people who can afford to do that?
Smoooth - I was going to suggest sneaking one or two in various sections. Very funny post - particularly the gutting and hence sewing of the dummy. I laughed - out loud, softly.
That Clare Danes has a crazy long neck. She should put on some weight so it isn't THAT obvious.
I prefer the dry satire of life as compared to the spongy dishwater of those joke books you find on the backs of peoples toilets. Nor do I like correct grammar.
My ex works for the Borders HQ in Ann Arbor, and there is a room full of books and magazines that just wouldn't sell.. and he and his fellow employees have free reign to pick and choose which of them they'd like to take home.
At times its easier to find out how to use the tarot by going online and reading about it, instead of picking up one of those lovely kits. I can read for free at home in a pair of underwear unwashed for three days with a jelly donut smeared all over my face, should I be inclined.
Great post!