Diesel's Campaign Running out of Gas

Barely three weeks into a 13 year campaign, insiders report that the Diesel for President organization is struggling to regain the momentum of its heady early days. Having blown most of its budget on Mentos and bubblewrap, the group is having trouble keeping its focus. Rancorous infighting has broken out between staffers, who haven't been paid since the campaign's inception, and volunteers, who have accidentally been paid every day and twice on Tuesdays.

Meanwhile, there is confusion at the highest levels regarding how many levels there are, and how one can know what level one is on when the the elevator buttons have been replaced with Mentos. Rumors of nude thumb wrestling among the female staffers are rampant, and have not been nearly as helpful as expected in raising morale.

Senior campaign officials admit to having underestimated the difficulty of explaining to voters that Diesel is not in fact running for the current presidential election, nor the next one, nor the one after that, but rather the one after that. Some of the difficulty is blamed on the misguided strategy of targeting future voters who are currently between the ages of five and seven. The campaign's Tomorrow's Voters Today program apparently consists mostly of bribing grade schoolers with bubble wrap. A transcript of one of these exchanges was obtained by reporters when it was mistakenly mailed by overworked staffers to the cable company.

Staffer: Hey kid, you want some of this?
Kid: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Staffer: I'm not a stranger, I work for Diesel. You know, the Mattress Police?
Kid: So you're a policeman?
Staffer: Why not? So do you want some?
Kid: What is it?
Staffer: It's bubble wrap.
Kid: Why the crap would I want that?
Staffer: It's fun. Watch.
[Popping noises]
Kid: What's that in your other hand?
Staffer: Nothing. Isn't the bubble wrap cool? I bet your friends don't have bubble wrap.
Kid: Is that candy?
Staffer: Let's focus on the bubble wrap. I give you the bubble wrap, and you promise to vote for Diesel in 2020.
Kid: Gimme some candy and I won't scream that you touched my bottom.
Staffer: Ok, ok. Here. Take the friggin' candy. Just vote for Diesel in 2020, alright?
Kid: Yeah, whatever. What the -- These are MENTOS.
Staffer: What's wrong with Mentos? They're the Freshmaker.
Kid: (Yelling) Miss Jordan, this man touched my bottom!
[Tires squealing]

The campaign's slogan, "Diesel: Time for a Change is Coming," was unfamiliar to 68% of the respondents in a recent survey, despite the fact that the survey was conducted inside the campaign's headquarters. The campaign has bandied about several other possible slogans, such as "Diesel: Past Imperfect, Future Tense!" and "Diesel: Something something something," which was inadvertently printed on 70,000 bumper stickers and 50 yards of bubble wrap.

To make matters worse, the organization's tax exempt status has recently come under fire from the I.R.S. Highly-placed sources indicate that the government is leaning toward classifying "Diesel in 2020" as either an illegal money laundering operation or a "dangerous cult." Diesel could not be reached for comment, but he is reported to be hoping for the latter.

At this point, the only hope for Diesel's campaign would seem to be a major shakeup, such as an embezzlement scandal or the selection of a new candidate. Senior campaign officials, vacationing in the Cayman Islands, have denied seriously considering either of these options. "We're 100% committed to Dennis," said one official. "We believe in the mission of the Apple Police."

Perhaps it was too much to hope for, that a regular guy like Diesel could some day become president. Perhaps it was too little to hope for. Perhaps, on the other hand, it was the exact right amount to hope for. Those would seem to be the options.

Diesel, for his part, isn't giving up. Not until he gets those federal matching funds anyway.




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