Too Much to Bear

I came across two alarming statistics recently. I read one of them in our local newspaper and the other one on the side of a Happy Meal container, so I'm pretty sure at least the second one is true.

Statistic 1: The world's population is likely to peak at 9 billion in 2070 and then begin to decline.
Statistic 2: Over 50 million Build-a-Bears have been sold since 1997.

It doesn't take someone competent in mathematics to see that, projecting from these trends, custom-designed teddy bears will outnumber people by the end of this century. If this weren't the case, would I have been able to generate this convincing chart in Excel? Hardly.



Numbers don't lie. Neither do pictures. And when numbers and pictures agree on something, you know it's serious.

The socioeconomic ramifications of this are staggering. It's a known fact that teddy bears who aren't loved as if they were a real live bear go bad faster than shows starring John Stamos. By the end of this century, we simply won't have enough misplaced treacly affection to go around. And thanks to our aging population, we'll be more dependent than ever on creepy middle-aged spinsters to love our bears for us. But there is a limit to the number of tea parties that even the creepiest of these women can have. What happens when we reach that threshold?

I'll tell you what: Build-a-Bears standing pathetically on every corner holding signs that simply read "Hug?" Marauding bands of Build-a-Bears wandering the streets, looking for hugs in all the wrong places. Build-a-Bears trolling chat rooms looking for a quick hug from an unsuspecting minor. Eventually bears desperate for affection will be breaking into our homes and smothering us to death with their fuzzy, cuddly love.

We need to take a stand before this situation gets out of control. First, every Build-a-Bear should be fitted with a shock collar that can be used to control the bear if it starts getting overly affectionate. Second, the bears need to be treated with Hug Aversion Therapy (HAT), a process of conditioning in which they are subjected to bear hugs while being forced to watch a three day marathon of According to Jim. Finally, the Build-a-Bears need to be trained in some sort of trade -- probably something that is too dangerous for humans to do, like coal mining or transporting six pounds of heroin in their bellies.

In this way we can create a servile caste of Build-a-Bears who cater to our every whim while they secretly plot to someday cast off their bonds. Except it won't be a secret, because we'll know they're doing it. Because if there's one thing I learned from watching sci-fi films, it's that the servile caste of apes/robots/Morlocks/whatever is always plotting to some day cast off the bonds of servitude. That's why everyone once in a while we'll grab a bear randomly off the street and torture him until he admits that he was plotting to cast off the bonds of servitude. Then we'll execute him and scatter his stuffing as a warning to the other bears.

It is also very important that we avoid saying things like "A world ruled by Build-a-Bears? That's absurd!" Because someone always says something like that right before the servile caste finally overthrows the bonds of servitude. Then it will be the humans' turn to be the servile caste, and we'll have to wait until the Build-a-Bears get cocky and say something like, "It is the natural order for Bears to rule Humans. Humans will never be anything but SLAVES! Mwuhahahahahahaha!"

It could take hundreds of years to achieve that level of ironic hubris, however, so our best bet is to stay on our guard and rip the stuffing out of anybody who looks like he might need a hug.



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Humor-blogs.com just wants a hug. And to rule the world with an iron fist.