I'm not finding much inspiration in the current crop of movies or TV shows, so I'm going back to an old favorite again.
You know the rules: submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel will pick her favorites and I'll post a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!
Oh, and I'm the one on the left.
Listed on humor-blogs.com.
You know the rules: submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel will pick her favorites and I'll post a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!
Oh, and I'm the one on the left.
Listed on humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Caption Contest, Nonsense
| posted by Diesel at Friday, September 07, 2007 |
|
Leave a comment! |
Diesel: Why didn't I take the blue pill?
Hey, I was first, now that's a first!
"Calm down Diesel. I dressed like this just for you I swear"
Y;-) Paddy
Diesel: For God's sake, I said I was a writer, not a fighter!
Diesel: If this is the truth, then the truth sucks. I want to go home to my pretty blond wife and my blog.
Diesel: Where are those damn Adjutant Inspectors when you need them?
Diesel: Hey Neo, if I give you a free copy of my book, will you let me go?
Diesel: I coulda been Elrond.
Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Antisocial Commentary is. You have to see it for yourself.
Neo: What are you waiting for blog-boy? Hit me with your best shot.
Neo: No dude, you're getting it all wrong. Here, let me show you -to do that slowing down time thing you gotta do this...
Diesel: Can we do this some other time? I haven't been working out too much lately. You know how it goes -houses to build, books to sell, a pretty wife...
Diesel: Neo, I'm sorry, but I'll have to take you in on charges of removing your virtual mattress tags.
Diesel: You spent that dollar I gave you on "Walk Like an Egyptian?!?" I friggin' hate that song...
Diesel. Your choice, Neo. Blue, you go back to fighting that matrix thing. Red, you become an Adjutant Inspector and learn the true meaning of Antisocial Commentary
Neo: Jesus, Diesel. Look at all this. This is what Columbine High looks like after the first movie, and you wanna make a sequel?!
No, no, no, Diesel! THIS move is from "Dirty Dancing". You're doing some kind of Bruce Lee thing.
No, really, Diesel. I promise - I'll catch you.
Neo: Dammit man! Get it right this time! It's bump right hips twice, bump left hip twice to left..
I know you're still working on the house and all, but damn, Diesel - just look at all this construction shit everywhere. You could have picked up a little before asking me over.
Diesel: Can't we just work this out over a couple of lattes at Starbucks like everybody else?
Diesel: Back off, you 0100111001!
Neo: Oh yeah, well you're a 1110010011!
Neo: Are you a programmer?
Diesel: [shakes head]
Neo: Then what are you?
Diesel: I'm a writer. Can I interest you in buying a copy of my new book?
Neo: Come on Diesel, dance with me, baby!
Neo: Okay, that's it. Give me back the glasses, Diesel.
Neo: No, no, no, you dingleberry! You're just too stiff, you gotta loosen up a little. Watch how I do it.
Neo: Look, I'll show you a trick that all the girls love. Trinity just goes crazy over this, if you know what I mean.
"Goddamit, Neo. I've just about had it with all the jokes about living in my mom's basement..."
"Diesel, does this make me look fat?"
Somebody had to say it.
You can't see it...
It's electric!
You got to feel it...
It's electric!....
Diesel: no i dont want to tango, and if you touch me there again I'll punch you!
btw, when you have the chance take a look at the mouse blog and tell me if it is any better, thanks!
This post has been removed by the author.
NEO: "Diesel, if you're ever going to be able to defeat a woman the size of Karen in hand to hand combat, then you are going to need leverage and balance."
Neo: OK, and this is called a pas de deux...dammit, are you doing that white guy dance again!?!
Diesel: I swear to God, if you do that 'Lord of the Dance' routine one more time, I'm gonna slug you!
Diesel: I swear to God, if you do that 'Lord of the Dance' routine one more time, I'm going to slug you!
(Sorry, left it anonymous by accident the first time)
Diesel: The door on the right takes you to my book release party and also causes the fall of Zion. The door on the left also takes you to my book release party; you can save Zion but you will spend an enternity filtering spam comments on my blog.
YOU choose Neo!
Diesel: You are one of those pretty people with no personality I was talking about the other day.
Keanu: Hey, I resent that. I'm not pretty, I'm spectacular!
Diesel: Ok, Ok that's a pretty good dance but I call this one "the Fucktard Dingleberry"
Diesel wonders if he's just been served by Mr. Anderson. The debris in the room says yes.
Diesel had misread the classified ad. He thought he was on his way to purchase a used Toyota Matrix.
My God, it's true! Keanu Reeves' crotch really is a gaping black hole! And it's pulling me in!
Keanu: Whoa.
Everyone who would have to watch this movie: Woe.
"How's it going? I'm Diesel, and this is Ted. We're from the future...oh, wait, wrong movie..."
"Would you like to hear tonight's specials, sir?"
Neo: Okay, Chuck, I didn't recognize you without the Texas Ranger uniform. I understand if you need to frisk me.
My sister is fat...defend yourself!
I could have danced all night!
Diesel: What do you folks think? Should I punch him for screwing up Constantine, or should I punch him for making The Lake House?
Neo: Superstar!!!
In an futile attempt to become the next celebrity dance duo, Diesel and Neo only manage to survive one episode on Dancing With The Stars.
Diesel: It was a spoon.
Save my own lame contribution, these are killing me.
(A spoon?)
Screw you, Neo, I'm going to attack that wall over there.
"Just do it like we planned it, Neo. Hard smack on left side of chin to make my head fit better on this body. On three: one....two..."
Let's see, if you can open your arms that wide, I should be able to sell you 35, no, make that 37 copies of my new book, Antisocial Commentary.
"Heyyyyyyy Macarena!"
"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"
"And the final, bitter twilight struggle between good and evil has begun .... Unfortunately we don't know which is which."
Diesel would soon discover that Kung-fu was WAY better than a "nyuk nyuk" sucker punch.
(I haven't read the others so I apologize in advance if this is a repeat)
Diesel (singing): It's fun to play with the KY Jell-ay... It's fun to play with the KY Jell-ay....
"In the Matrix, everything is enhanced," said Neo, "and I mean EH. VRY. THING."
no man... the lunge is like THIS...so you feel the FULL extension...
Neo: Would you like to dance?
Diesel: Actually, ah, I'm suppose to kick the sh*t out of you.
Joel B.
That was in poor taste.
Diesel: I'm a master of sum-phlung-dung!
Neo: Uh...I know kung fu?
Dude, what's up with your neck?
You need to tone it down on the 'roids.
Diesel thought the black suit was slimming.
Keanu disagreed.
It started as a fair fight, but Neo hit below the belt when he made fun of how long the line was at Diesel's last book signing.
Mr.Diesel
I am here only to complain
Deal with it.
Today my husband actually remembered to go and get the mail. Unfortunately for me, your new book, me in a roughed up brown envelope, was waiting for me.
Yesterday, I had two wisdom teeth - one which was wrapped around the bone and had to be cut out - and a molar extracted.
As a result, Me and chocolate pudding are the best of friends and It really really hurts to laugh.
Thanks to your book, and I am only on page 33, I have taken three extra strength Advil's.
You sir, are very very mean!
Also. I loved my upside down inscription!
pee ess: that was not a caption...
Diesel: I'm going to punch you because you are wearing a dress.
Diesel: No, Keanu, I don't want to dance.
I hate a man in a dress with no fingers...Let's Rock!
Neo: Look I totally would make a cooler action figure.
__________________________________
Diesel: Chicks will dig me because I'm the one WITHOUT a dress.
Neo: Thats IT! PERPARE TO DIE!!
__________________________________
Neo: Come on now, relax, don't be so high-strung, I just want to rip off your clothes and make mad love to you.
__________________________________
Neo: So does this dress make me look kinda bloated, or what?
__________________________________
Neo: NO Diesel, you'll be cleaning with the broom, Morpheus said I get to use the vacuum.
or
Neo: I'm warning you keep away from that vacuum! Morpheus said you are to use the broom only, now BACK!!
_________________________________
Neo: No, I'm hotter, just look this sizzling pose.
Neo: Your so unflexible, I totally have cooler moves, YAHAA!!
Oh yeah? Well YOUR mama's so fat, even Jabba the Hut said da-a-amn.
Diesel: OK, Neo, let's go find Joel B. and kick his ass for his captions that are in poor taste.
Neo: You'll never get Trinity, besides she only goes for guys that know how to really wear a dress well.
Sackray blue (fwench talk for Holy Shit), Ten blue pills and STILL nothing!!
Skul
Diesel: Buy my book da**it
--------------------------
Neo: Dance with me and I'll buy 2 copies.
--------------------------
Diesel: FIND ME AN EXIT! These people won't buy my book either
--------------------------
Diesel to himself: If this guy in a dress takes one more step, I'll sock him
--------------------------
Diesel: Neo, don't think you've won thi... OOOHHH look, people are watching us!
Diesel: kee-anu Reev-ves la la lala.
Neo: STOP IT!! I am not Keanu Reeves! I'm Neo, the one.
Mine is this long...can you beat that Diesel?
Neo: Now will I have to go farther then trashing this place, or are you going to give me those cool shades?
Neo: "I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!!!"
Darn! I was going to use the dingleberry line, but looks like it's already taken!!! LOL!
Here are my sad attempts. They pale in comparison to Theresa's and Joel's captions though! ;)
1)
Keanu (as Neo): I am about to kick yer a$$ all the way to an alternate world...
Diesel: Uhhh...yeah. Can you hold that thought? I think I've had one too many bean burritos and may have sharted.
Neo: Sharted?
Diesel: You know...when you think you've farted, but you've...mehhh nevermind.
2)
Neo: In a world of 1s and 0s...are you a zero, or The One?
3)
Diesel: No, seriously. What was that? Did you hear that noise???
4)
Neo: For crying out loud, Diesel! For the last time, we're supposed to be doing the tango! Why do you keep doing the Saturday Night Fever thing???
5)
Diesel: [singing] If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know.
Neo: Good lord. Here we go again...
Neo: Honestly, Diesel, I've just got a wide stance. I didn't mean to tap your toes! What do you think I am? A Senator?
"i don't care if you are the fucking king of siam!!!!!"
"Damn those bastards at matrixdating.com," thought Diesel, "I could have sworn member
36925
24317
20404
33551
21.94
97.56
3..28
4...9
....9 was the woman in the red dress."
(trust me, in my fragile little head -- where everything is funny -- this was hilarious) ; )
Neo: So the guy says "I stitch the crotches into panty hose, then I hold 'em up..."
Diesel: ...and then the other guy says "Yep! diesel fitter" Yeesh. Somehow I thought the jokes would be better in here.
Neo: Dude, the "blue pill" does have it's upside.
"Ask the Oracle this ...will I be wearing black tomorrow?"
Keanu: "You look a bit old for an altarboy, but what the hell?"
(Not part of the contest) I'm sorry, that just slipped out.
Neo: If he tells me to tip my waitress and buy his book once more....
Neo had found him it was this guy that had programmed that damn mattress police book into the matrix.
not enough energy to compete mate...Im sorry. TC n enjoy ur wknd!
Keshi.
Neo: "Shall we dance? Since I 'm wearing the dress, I'll let you lead."
Diesel: YOU broke the vase? Why I oughta..."
Diesel (backing up, arms flying back in surprise): Oh, a spider!!
Neo (stomping the spider with his foot) I got it.
"Diesel, you don't dance with your fists; look, like this!"
Neo: Come on - I know we can do the lift!
Diesel: WTF????
Diesel: "It's rock, scissors, paper, you idiot."
Diesel hated the Matrix. For one thing, tech support was a bitch.
Keanu: Come on, Diesel, give me a hug.
Diesel: Back off, Girly Man.
Diesel: "I thought you'd be taller."
By the way, thanks for the comment on my site. Your site's pretty darn funny, too.
If you stand like this, you get the nice draft up the trench coat, and feel all light and airy up there.
awww put those fists down Diesel and give me a big hug.
Neo: no no you put your arms out like this, spin around then yell WEEEEEE get it right would ya?
NEO: When you snatch the Dingleberry from my hand, you may leave!
Neo: Diesel, when you can take the dingleberry from my hand, it is time for you to leave!?"
NEO: 'Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important.'
DIESEL: 'f**ktard dingleberry...' *clenches fists* 'this one is for you Miyagi!!!!!'
Maybe this huge rippin fart will propel me out of harms way.
Diesel, "Where's the john?"
Diesel: I knew I should have never quit programming for the Matrix.
Diesel: You know, Neo, you would look so much cooler if you wore a Mattress Police T-shirt instead of that lame getup.
Neo had just seen the truth, it was called Antisocial Commentary, and it was...funny.
Diesel: You know what? You can have Zion...I'm going back to the Matrix to have a beer.
Diesel: Matrix? I only came because I thought someone said dominatrix.
Diesel (thinks): God, I really have to go. Which door should I pick, which door should I pick? One leads to the bathroom, the other to a ferocious tiger.
Diesel: Sorry boy, those old Matrix tricks won't work in my new Super Matrix.
Diesel: Hey, this isn't Zion canyon!
Neo: In the Matrix it's this big, but in real life...
Diesel: Look Niel, Neon, whatever your name is, I'm a busy man, so could you just get to the point...
Diesel (thinks):Maybe if I just keep very still, he won't see me and he'll just go away.
Diesel: Matrix? I thought someone said mattress.
Are you game? Please play with me.
Because his neck was painfully out of alignment, Diesel could not turn his head far enough to observe Neo's graceful curtsy.
Diesel Thinking:Damn these dingleberries! Now they are rubbing together and forming one huge static-charged F**ktard Dingleberry, one of the worst possible outcomes of dingleberry invasion. On the other hand, if I can just keep rubbing my butt cheeks together for another 2 minutes or so, I'll be able to blow Neo into the next universe with a huge F**ktard Dingleberry Static Blast of Doom...bwahahaha.
Neo: If he's got such a bad wedgie, he should just call a time out instead of trying to rub the damn thing out of his crack.
Neo: Agent Smith? You look even worse than normal!
Look, Keanu, if you're going to insist on spreading your arms like that all the time at the very least you could wear some #$%# deodorant. Director! Could you spray some Lysol or something? Gosh it stinks.
(You know, I think some of these caption contests become more like quote contests.)
Diesel: You wanna step outside?
Reeves: Whoa.
Diesel: Um, does that mean yes?
Reeves: Whoa.
Diesel: You're really as dumb as advertised, aren't you.
Reeves: Whoa.
Diesel: Do you say anything else?
Reeves: Nooo.
Diesel: Look, asshole, you're never going to bring that shoulder down if you don't pick up my books and try again. Yes, 15 on the head, 12 in each hand....like I said BEFORE..... And, again, deep breath (that'll be the only thing deep about you, KeeNu....WTF, when do the royalties kick in....?)!
"what? i thought i was in the matrix. is this shanghai noon again?"
I'm calling my agent!
After many hours, Diesel realised that by standing a little closer, his punches might actually reach.
Diesel discovers that when not taken orally, the red pill could seriously mess up one's "Shaking Weasel" fighting style.
Neo, Are you certain that dancing on my books is better than autographing?