The Mattress Police Quiz

A friend recently told me about a book that he read which reassessed some of the teachings of the Bible, such as Jesus' admonition to "turn the other cheek." Today this saying is often interpreted to mean that when attacked, one should simply "bend over" and take it (in modern parlance). In fact, Jesus' words related to a custom of the time: unruly slaves were punished by being struck on the left cheek. To offer your "other cheek," then, was to force your attacker to acknowledge you as an equal. Similarly, Jesus says that if someone asks you to go one mile with him, you should one-up him by going two miles. Roman soldiers, you see, were permitted to force a peasant to carry their pack for one mile -- but only one mile. So by going two miles, you were putting the soldier at your mercy: He could choose to be your friend and equal, or he could risk punishment for breaking the law.

Recently I posted a comment by a reader who took offense at my Ugly is as Ugly Does post, memorably calling me a "f--ktard dingleberry." If this had happened ten years ago, I probably would have either ignored the attack or utilized my overdeveloped sarcasm muscles to rip the attacker to shreds. Fortunately, I'm at a point in my life where I can laugh at being called a "f--tard dingleberry" without taking it personally, so I simply posted the comment along with a link to the commenter's blog. I didn't ridicule or otherwise attack her, although I did make a joke that I hoped would lighten the mood a bit.

I don't really know what I expected, but I'd like to think that this was a pretty good example of what can happen when you turn the other cheek. I didn't back down, but I didn't lash out either. I just acknowledged the attack and basically said, "Ok, now where do you want to go with this?"

She could, of course, have used this as an opportunity to rail against me some more, but I think she knew that this would just make her look silly. She's basically a decent, intelligent person, and she appreciated the fact that I treated her as a person with a valid opinion. She then returned the favor. I would copy and paste excerpts from her subsequent posts, but I really think you should just go read them yourself.

I want to thank all of you who rushed to my defense, but I also want to make sure that in all the hubbub you didn't miss what really happened here: What could have turned into a nasty internet brawl turned into a polite conversation between adults. I don't see that happening very much on the internet, where it's way too easy to resort to throwing grenades while hiding behind a Blogger identity. And that this happened despite the fact that I'm a f**ktard dingleberry is nothing short of amazing.

Anyway, every once in a while someone gets bent out of shape about one of my posts. I think this is usually because the reader isn't familiar with my style. So I thought -- especially since I've gotten a lot of new readers lately -- that this would be a good time to do a little quiz about this blog and me. The rule is that you can't be offended by anything I write unless you score at least 70% on this quiz. And yes, even if you are appalled by this quiz, you still have to finish the quiz and score at least 70% in order to be offended.

I'll post the answers in a few days. Good luck!

1. I once suggested all of the following except:

1. We should legalize marijuana and outlaw poison ivy.
2. We should sell our military to the oil companies.
3. The American flag should only be burned with great respect and kerosene.
4. Barak Obama might run as the "first Creamy Eggnog president."

2. All of the following phrases have appeared in this blog except:

1. "Retard circus"
2. "f**ktard dingleberry"
3. "butt monkey"
4. "string theory"

3. I made up one of these stories for my blog, and the other three actually happened but I haven't blogged about them (until now). Which one did I make up?

1. The time I accidentally congratulated a Korean man on his country's kickass cars because I thought he was Japanese.
2. The time I apologized to an African American gentleman for accidentally charging him a $3 "race fee" when he bought my book.
3. The time a guy in my dorm in college was looking for advice about asking out a girl he liked. I listened intently for a few minutes and then responded, "I always thought you were gay." He came out shortly thereafter.
4. The time I suggested a sequel to White Men Can't Jump that would be called Black Men Can't Read.

4. The following are all excerpts from previous posts, except for one, which is an excerpt from a novel I'm writing. Which one is from the novel?

1. If we keep losing farmland, our nation's food production capabilities may decline to the point where our children are eating only six or seven meals per day. "Mommy, why don't we eat linner or snackfast any more?" little Susie will cry, clutching her growling tummy, now almost completely hidden by her extra-large t-shirt."
2. I had been taught that a slight build, an effeminate manner, odd clothing and a pronounced lisp did not constitute adequate evidence that one was homosexual. In fact, the rule at that time was that unless you actually saw someone performing a sexual act with another person of the same gender, you were to make no assumptions regarding their sexual orientation. And even then, you were really supposed to keep an open mind.
3. Liberals don't feel like they should have to fight for their oil, because they drive hybrid cars, which means that at worst they should have to play a rough game of ultimate frisbee for oil, or maybe split the difference between making love and making war by having angry sex on the veranda for oil.
4. Fundamentalists believe that in the Bible God said what He meant and meant what He said, nevermind that Christ Himself wouldn’t give a straight answer to save His life. This belief in the absolute literal truth of Scripture implies, among other intriguing notions, that God created photosynthesis before He created the sun.
   

5. I once suggested that all of the following except:

1. Courtney Love should have shot Chad Kroeger instead of Kurt Cobain.
   
2. James Blunt inadvertently left his testicles across the Atlantic.
3. They key to making our children into great musicians is "repression, needless belittling and arbitrary corporal punishment."
4. I would rather have my children listen to music inspired by Satan than "Fergilicious."

6. I once postulated all of the following except:

1. Foreigners shouldn't make us ask for permission to fly over their countries because "We have important shit to do on the other side," and they "wouldn't understand."
2. The toilet in a motel room in which I stayed was was possessed by "Flushscreemi, the Iranipakafghanindian goddess of the maelstrom."
3. The United States should open up the border between Mexico and Texas, and close the border between Texas and the rest of the U.S.
   
4. The phrase "undocumented immigrant" is the political equivalent of calling fat people "big boned."
   

7. I once speculated that all but one of the following items might be on the "gay agenda." Which one did I not mention?

1. Destroying America
2. Gayifying the breeders
3. A parade
   
4. Drinks with Steve!
   

8. I've written blog posts containing all but one of these assertions. Which one did not appear in this blog?

1. Peter Petrelli from TV's Heroes is the long awaited Messiah.
2. Jesus once said that "The poor you will always have with you, but you should build some kickass museums."
3. My religious beliefs are nobody's business but mine and God's, and He'd better watch it or it's going to be just me pretty quick.
4. God has some explaining to do about why he created the little toe, because "He had to know we'd invent coffee tables eventually."

9. I once wrote the following heartfelt missive to my junior high school teachers:

1. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I owe my current and future success to the values of hard work and intellectual curiosity that you instilled in me.
2. I'm so glad my teachers treated me as an individual, rather than just another problematic kid. If you hadn't taken the time to understand what I was going through, I might never have sought the treatment I needed for my learning disabilities and crippling depression.
3. I know that teaching may seem to be a thankless job, but I wanted to let you know that each of you, in your own way, truly did make a difference in my life, and for that I thank you.
4. You are all a bunch of smug, sorry-ass, close-minded, by-the-book pablum-spewing dullards, and I hope you have a dictionary close by because I want you to look up all those words I just used. I pray none of you are still teaching, but in case you are, give me your address so that I can send you a T-shirt that reads "If you believe everything I tell you, some day you'll turn into me." Then you can die having taught your students something really valuable.
   

10. I once argued for all of the following viewpoints, except:

1. Hillary Clinton is qualified to be president in the same way that Stedman is qualified to host the Oprah Winfrey show.
   
2. Evolution and intelligent design are "two sides of the same coin: the cold, rational, scientific side and the warm, ignorant, superstitious side."
3. My church should declare war on the Quakers.
4. A "certain political party" is made up of "godless atheists who are destroying America with their gay marriages and efforts to keep me from exercising my God-given right to buy an assault rifle."

Still here? Then you'd probably enjoy my book, Antisocial Commentary. Or at least humor-blogs.com. Get your captions for the caption contest in by tonight!