Greetings, denizens of cyberspace! I am Grundir the Implacable. You may know me as one of the nine Nazgûl who once served the Dark Lord. You have probably heard by now that things are not going so well for my former master lately. Long story short: The Dark Lord is a twisted, murderous entity who scoffs at the laws of men. Many years ago, he narrowly escaped destruction at the end of a great battle, and he slinked off into the shadows to regain his strength. Recently he returned to wreak his vengeance, but was stopped before his plan came to fruition.By the Pelenor Fields, here is a likeness of the Dark Lord now! See how he bears the smirk of the wrongfully accused!
Humblest apologies! That is actually former NFL great O.J. Simpson. This is the Dark Lord:
I hardly think that I am to blame for the error. Is the similarity not striking?
As I have attested, Sauron has hit a bit of a rough patch, so I am exploring career options beyond being a minion of the Dark Lord. Ah, I suppose you fools imagined that upon Sauron's fall, all of the evil minions disappeared and Mordor became an idyllic wonderland. Ha! Unfortunately we belatedly learned that the iron rule of Sauron was the only thing that was holding Mordor together. The coalition led by the Army of Gondor has endeavored to put together a unity government consisting of all of Mordor's races, but now Uruk-Hai are pouring over the border to cause untold trouble and troll extremists are cart-bouldering orcs in the street... But I digress. Suffice it to say only that Mordor is really not a place you want to be right now.
After fleeing that accursed land, I accepted a position at the Mattress Police as a Meme-Wraith. In this capacity, I intercept any memes that are troubling my lord Diesel. This is my first day in that capacity, and it is my gravest hope that I do not disappoint.
First up is the "ROCKIN' GIRL BLOGGER" that I have received from Speedcat Hollydale. I shall not respond to this award other than to say that SpeedcatHollydale will taste my steel. And if you knew where my steel has been and how often I clean it, you would verily shudder.
Second, there is the Reflective Blogger Award, granted by Sage. As I am an entity with no corporeal form and therefore no reflection, this award enrages me. Sage, you should consider yourself flicked in the forehead with an iron-gauntleted finger.
And finally, Zhu's Ten Priceless Experiences meme, which requires that I tell of ten wondrous experiences one might enjoy in my homeland. Sadly, Mordor is no longer the joyful place that it was in the giddy early days of my Nazgulship, so this meme causes me to howl in bone-shattering sadness. Once I could have told you of the great machinations of Minas Morgul, where orcs were worked to death building vast siege towers, but now the infernal factories are silent. Once I could have told you of forlorn travelers sinking to their deaths in the Dead Marshes, but now those marshes have been drained and the foul, unnatural beasts displaced. Why, o sons of Gondor? Why have you drained my beloved marshes? There once were marshes as far as the eye could see. Marshes to the north, marshes to the south, marshes to the west. Marshes, marshes, marshes!A great sorrow has now befallen me, the sorrow known only by those cursed to an eternal living death and those who watched Britney's performance at the VMAs. I mean, is it just me, or was she not even trying?
Bah! I am Grundir the Implacable. That is all for now.
Did you enjoy this post? Then I command you to buy Diesel's book, Antisocial Commentary!
Humor-blogs.com shall taste my steel.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Meme Wraith
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Damn, this is a great way to avoid memes. (mustn't steal... mustn't steal...)
BTW, turns out that in "Lucy, Daughter Of The Devil", Satan changes the way he is going to take over the world each time. The sports bar thing is safe. :)
Grundir looks an awful lot like a Dementor...
you mean i am not going to find out who grundir's last text message was from? or how tall he is? or what his first pet's name was?
what sort of a pet would a nazgul have anyway?
damn....
"Marshes Marshes Marshes" just completely owned me. That is so funny.
Is Grundir's last name Brady??
"All mimzy were the Mordorites and the Meme-wraiths outgrabe."
(It's all I could come up with on short notice.)
Don't let working for Diesel depress you. You're doing a heckuva job, Grundy!
I thought for a moment you said you were a mome rath, and that you were going to tell us about how you gyre and gimble in the wabe...oh wait, those were the slithy toves...sorry. So, have you slain the Jabberwok with your vorpal blade?
People are always asking how I got that bump on my forehead--seriously
Hey, so Grundir lost his scheme to sell timeshare condos in Mordor due to that balloon payment loan problem...do we all have to suffer because he's cranky and not dead yet?
Grundir is seriously goofy. And cute. Tell him I said so.
Can I borrow Grundir when you are finished with him? I'm directing Death of a Salesman at the local theater, and he'd be perfect for the role of Biff.
i really did enjoy your post grundir. can't you just share the worst experiences with us? i mean, of your own, not britney's. at any rate, i bought the damn book already! settle down!
Oh, jeez, I actually laughed until I had tears streaming down my face. Or are the tears from my rotten cold?
Anyway, it started with the "Hello" name tag Grundir is wearing and became a full blown howl when I got to the Fourth from the left, knock-knock joke bit.
It's official. I'm addicted.
I found the pitch compelling, but in the end I just didn't feel like Grundir really wanted to enslave mankind.
Poor wittle Grundir. Sounds like he's had a bad time of it. I think somebody needs a hug.
Very purrfect. Let the killing of the memes begin.
Might as well throw in Britney, while you're at it. Put her out of her misery.
Yar, tis speak like a pirate day (apparently) yar. Bring me a Gin Fizz and my tanning oil and be quick about it, argh! If you want to keep your new gig as my Demetor Cabin Boy, yar.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Vorgul.
Vorgul who?
Vor-gullible just fell for another stupid knock-knock joke!
I picnicked in Mordor once. The wildlife is a bitch, though.
btw, did you know Vorgul was married?
Hmm.... this idea of Sibyll-lizing myself could come in handy some day... Maybe I should figure out how to spell Sybill (?) first. But after that, definitely.
LOL what a nut!
You are just too funny my friend! Thanks for the visits to my sites.
That "yelling a knock-knock joke" bit was hilarious! I fell off my horse!
Memes, memes, good for your heart... Oh wait, you don't have a heart, do you?
You mean you're not a "Rockin' Girl Blogger"?
Is Grundir available for hire? Brittany was not only not trying, she was incapable of keeping up. That was just sad.
Wow! I always get roped into doing memes. I just have a hard time saying no to people! I end up passing on those memes to the unfortunate souls I call my friends :) I seriously need to borrow Grundir next time someone memes me!
PS. You weren't telling Vorgul a knock knock joke. Apparently, you were trying to figure out if this would be a good scene for a caption contest ;) Now, where to insert Diesel??
All I can say is that these guys scared the beegeezus out of me. Honestly. I get all tense just looking at them.
Goodness! All this Jabberwocky talk made me feel like I should weigh in with my two cents here!
(Hilarious post, as always, Diesel)
Grundir's kinda cute.
And yes, Britney wasn't even trying.
I wish I had thought of employing Grundir the Implacable to rid me of all my pesky memes. Instead, the only option I was left with was leaving the IP address of everyone who sends me memes in the bathrooms of gay clubs across the greater Sacramento area.
my kid does a really good howling of bone shattering sadness (and ear drum shattering pain for the rest of us).
(and for me, I'd do the memes cuz this seemed to be way more work! ;))
Do you get more comments when you end your post with a question?
Ah Grundir i to know the pain of losing a home world, my room recently got painted meaning i couldn't go in there for at least a few hours.... it was horrible.
By the way what is Vurgal up to, you seem to have landed on your feet, what of your close friends.
I don't get it. Aren't awards supposed to be good?
i couldn't figure out why my husband was in such gut-wrenching pain yesterday -- now i realize the fault lies with YOU. not because you smote him with that steel sheath of yours. no, that would just be icky and/or, well, he doesn't swing his own sword that way (not that there's anything wrong with it) i'm guessing he read this post, and split his spleen while laughing.
seriously, Grundir, Diesel could take lessons from you. perhaps you should consider teaching? i honestly believe it's just a matter of time before Blogging is offered at Community Colleges and/or tech schools across the land.
Grundir looks a lot like OJ (I think it's the eyes), but OJ is a lot scarier.
Does Grundir do contract work?
uncanny the resemblance in the dark lord and O.J.
Do you do windows?
These are the best photos to ever accompany a blog post. Fantastic!
"Marshes, Marshes, Marshes" - oh, that's good, I truly laughed.
But not at Grundir of course. Consider the memes I haven't answered squashed.
" Is the similarity not striking?"
.....but the gloves FIT. So it's no cigar.
I tag both of you....running FAST...
You made me giggle like a hobbit on pipe-weed. But don't despair. I totally fear you!
I've only been blogging for a year and something about the tagging thing really got on my last nerve. Here it is:
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
I write all the people back and say, I don't do memes. Don't tag me because I will let them die. And I do. I think it's a hateful thing that people with no imagination do to, as you say, save them a day of making up their own shit.
God Bless you, Mr. Anti-Meme.
From your friend I HATE MEMES AND STOP TAGGING ME.
Marshes to the east, Marshes to the west... Marshes to the Nazgulette that I love best... I be marshin'...
I'm so glad it's Friday - I need a freakin' drink!
I don't know if this has been mentioned yet but O.J. looks a hell of a lot like George Bush in that photo. Same smirk = irrefutable proof of guilt.
Hey Grundir, I tagged you yesterday just for the hell of it!