If you're like me, you remember exactly where you were when Joey Bishop died. Otherwise you have a really bad memory, because, dude, it happened like five minutes ago. Maybe you should have that looked at.
Actually, I'm writing this at 7:55pm Thursday night, but I'm reading a story on The New York Times website about his death that is inexplicably dated 10/19. So I says to my wife, I says, "Hey, did you hear that Joey Bishop is going to die tomorrow?"
And she's like, "No way! Who's Joey Bishop?"
"You know, the last surviving member of the Rat Pack. Should we try to warn him?"
"Let me check the handbook."
So she hauls out the Handbook for Celebrity-Related Space-Time Continuum Manipulation.
"How old is he?"
"89."
"Hmmmm. Doesn't look good. Was he ever in a movie with Judy Garland?"
"I doubt it."
"Nope. Can't warn him."
"Screw the Handbook!" I said, grabbing the phone book. "Why would the Lords of Time and Space have given us this chance if they didn't want us to save him?" I looked up Joey Bishop and dialed the number.
After several rings, a weak, raspy voice came on the line. "Hello?"
"Mr. Bishop?"
"Y-yes."
"Mr. Bishop, you're in grave danger. The New York Times says you're going to die tomorrow!"
There was some wheezing and then a sound like a phone hitting laminate flooring. It sounded like the kind with the built-in foam backing, but I can't be sure.
"Oh, wait. It's tomorrow's paper, but it actually says you died yesterday."
There was no reply.
"Does Joey Bishop live in Modesto?" my wife asked.
"Why?"
"Because that's the Modesto phone book."
"Oh. Crap. I think I just killed Joey Bishop."
"What?!"
"No, it's ok. I killed the Modesto Joey Bishop. There's probably one in every city."
"Not any more."
"No, not any more. But we can probably borrow Stockton's if we ever need one. Anyway, the Joey Bishop who was going to die tomorrow died yesterday, so there's nothing we can do, unless we can get The New York Times to write a story about it the day before yesterday. Curse you, Lords of Time and Space!"
In any case, by the time you read this, Joey Bishop, last surviving member of the Rat Pack, will have died. And what better way to remember him than by... um, photoshopping my face over his. Wow, this is turning into a morbid post.
Anyway, you know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will fight each other to within an inch of our lives to select our respective favorites, and then I'll post a poll on Tuesday.
Oh, and in case you're interested in the real Joey Bishop, this is what he looked like back in the day:
Read more about Joey Bishop here.
The demise of humor-blogs.com has been greatly exaggerated.
Actually, I'm writing this at 7:55pm Thursday night, but I'm reading a story on The New York Times website about his death that is inexplicably dated 10/19. So I says to my wife, I says, "Hey, did you hear that Joey Bishop is going to die tomorrow?"
And she's like, "No way! Who's Joey Bishop?"
"You know, the last surviving member of the Rat Pack. Should we try to warn him?"
"Let me check the handbook."
So she hauls out the Handbook for Celebrity-Related Space-Time Continuum Manipulation.
"How old is he?"
"89."
"Hmmmm. Doesn't look good. Was he ever in a movie with Judy Garland?"
"I doubt it."
"Nope. Can't warn him."
"Screw the Handbook!" I said, grabbing the phone book. "Why would the Lords of Time and Space have given us this chance if they didn't want us to save him?" I looked up Joey Bishop and dialed the number.
After several rings, a weak, raspy voice came on the line. "Hello?"
"Mr. Bishop?"
"Y-yes."
"Mr. Bishop, you're in grave danger. The New York Times says you're going to die tomorrow!"
There was some wheezing and then a sound like a phone hitting laminate flooring. It sounded like the kind with the built-in foam backing, but I can't be sure.
"Oh, wait. It's tomorrow's paper, but it actually says you died yesterday."
There was no reply.
"Does Joey Bishop live in Modesto?" my wife asked.
"Why?"
"Because that's the Modesto phone book."
"Oh. Crap. I think I just killed Joey Bishop."
"What?!"
"No, it's ok. I killed the Modesto Joey Bishop. There's probably one in every city."
"Not any more."
"No, not any more. But we can probably borrow Stockton's if we ever need one. Anyway, the Joey Bishop who was going to die tomorrow died yesterday, so there's nothing we can do, unless we can get The New York Times to write a story about it the day before yesterday. Curse you, Lords of Time and Space!"
In any case, by the time you read this, Joey Bishop, last surviving member of the Rat Pack, will have died. And what better way to remember him than by... um, photoshopping my face over his. Wow, this is turning into a morbid post.
Anyway, you know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will fight each other to within an inch of our lives to select our respective favorites, and then I'll post a poll on Tuesday.
Oh, and in case you're interested in the real Joey Bishop, this is what he looked like back in the day:
Read more about Joey Bishop here.
The demise of humor-blogs.com has been greatly exaggerated.
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Dean: You guys smell that? No really, anyone else smell that burnt cheese odor?
Sammy: Yeah, I see what you're saying.
Frank: The garbage you're smelling is right behind you. You want me to take out the trash?
Ol' Four Eyes.
Dean - Would one of you guys tell Steve Lawrence to hurry it up in there already. I really have to go!!
Sammie: Hey, sweethearts, someone tell the new guy that clean-shaven is the look these days.
Diesel was ejected from the rat pack after suggesting that, instead of "groovy cats," they should refer to themselves as "valleculated felines."
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so...whatdaya think...now that we are all dead...should we let them know what REALLY happened to Marilyn ?
Diesel: Hey guys, do you think we could make Paris and Britney Rat Pack Mascots?
Well, we've finally figured out whose role Casey Affleck played in the Ocean's 11 remake.
Dean, this is an intervention.
You know, sometimes I post these pics thinking, "Man, this is going to be a tough one to come up with a caption for," and then 5 minutes later there are 10 killer captions. Brilliant. I can tell this is going to be a good one....
Diesel: "I see dead people"
Diesel: I think I feel song coming on.
Dean: Well I ain't pullin' his finger.
I have to admit that I've never heard of Joey Bishop in my life, though I have heard of "The Rat Pack."
Why is Sammy glowing like that?
Oh - a caption? Hang on. . .
Diesel decided to go for the One Cheek Sneak.
Dean: Who let that clown in here?
Guy to Diesel's Left (is that Dean Martin?) : Whaddya say, guys? Do we let him into the Illuminati?
(see they're all lit up like)
Aw, if you have to explain it its' no good, I know.
Immediately after posing for this picture, Diesel left The Rat Pack to start his blogging career, claiming, "Those guys will never amount to anything."
Dean: I don't know, he just started following me. He keeps mumbling something about wanting to get the Golddigger's autographs, whatever the hell that means.
dean: who the hell is that guy where joey belongs?
sammy: i dunno, i can't tell. i'm looking at him with my glass eye.
frank: well he sure ain't from hoboken
Diesel: Hey guys, I have a really awesome, um, I mean hip name for our group. How about The Mattress Police?
Dean to Sammy: Who the hell is this guy? Is he our new gofer or something?
I'm going to watch Delta Force this weekend and drink scotch until I shat my own pants in his honor.
Diesel: Oh my god, I'm back in the early 60's! What if I run into my parents and I'm never born?
Diesel: Hey, you guys ever think of doing Ocean's Twelve?
Diesel to Dean: How's your bird?
Dean to Sammy: Psst. Don't you think this guy looks kind of square?
Dean to Sammy: Did you get a look at Diesel's wife? She's a real ring-a-ding broad!
Diesel (thinks to himself): Maybe Dean can get the Mafia to help sell my book.
Dean to Sammy: This Diesel guy wants to go to Starbucks, is that some new club or something?
Psst...fellas...where's Regis?
Oh, grey flannel is for TUESDAY? Well, aren't I just the world's silliest goose?
Who's the guy next to me with the terrible lighting?
Dean: When did monocles come out of fashion?
Though most of the Rat Pack were hits on the Vegas Strip, one of them found his fame and fortune in Branson, Missouri instead...
Dean: "No, Sammy he might just make the cut. At least we got him out of the Jupiter t-shirt and he's learning how to scat."
Bishop isn't the last one. Shirley MacLaine's still alive even though she's officially classified as a bag of dust according to Lauren Bacall.
Dean: Fellas, this guy will just not shut up about his book!
ha-ha! That was better than a caption. (Well, at least any I could come up with. Though of course that doesn't stop me from trying... I'll be back!
Nobody, not even Diesel, could explain the strage aura of light around Sammy that night, but it was magical
Why does Diesel look darker than Sammy? Are you sure this is black and white photography?
Introducing - from left to right - The Rat and The Pack!
Great captions here. I can't think of anything.
Oops...sorry guys. I thought this was a support group for pack rats.
Dean: He says Grundir couldn't make it so he came instead.... He also says he'd like you to stop mentally undressing him with your eyes Frank.
So far I like Joel B's "Ol' Four Eyes" the best. And Jeff, an edit: "You want I should take out the trash?" is more Frank-like.
Here's my cheap shot:
"Three Men and a Little Lady"
Dean: Don't look at him and he'll go away.
Sammy: I'm not. It's my glass eye.
Frank: I can call one of my Jersey City buddies.
Sammy: Dean, that guy's still following you..
Dean: "I think the guy in glasses just ripped one."
"Do any of you guys like to watch gladiator movies?"
"Don't worry about that stain, I've got one of those Tide to Go things in my pocket."
Dean: "Guys, what's wrong with Joey? He's not looking so good."
Frank: Doesn’t that look like the Mafioso we hired to take out President Kennedy?
Sammy: Naw! I think he looks like the guy we hired to take out the Mafioso we hired to take out President Kennedy.
Dean: I thought I was the guy who took out the Mafioso we hired to take out President Kennedy.
Frank: Naw, Dean. That was one of your lost weekends.
Dean: Sammy, Sammy, c'mon man. We've been over this. You know there can only be one black guy for every three - it's like, an unspoken rule!
Sammy: whatchoo talkin' about, Dean.
Diesel: Um, hi, guys. Is this the line for the new Grecian Formula??
Diesel: do you guys think this tie makes my butt look fat?
Dean to Frank and Sammy: Scoot over, boys. I think this guy pinched me.
Dean: He can't sing or dance and failed the audition. Why's he still here?
Dean: The audition was three days ago. Why's he still here?
Soon after this photo Diesel was replaced by Pete Best who was soon replaced by Ringo Starr and who was ultimately replaced by Joey Bishop.
Dean: Joey looks bad. I bet he's dead before any of us.
That was a lovely tribute, Big D. Caption? Has to be short and sweet. That's how the rat pack rolled. Something like:
"Who's this guy?"
Sammy - Dean, what's Jerry doing with ya? We keep telling you there ain't no more room for him in the Rat Pack!
Dean - This isn't Jerry. He's just some schmuck who followed me off the street.
Frank - Well he sure as hell makes a good impression of Jer. Was he his double in the Nutty Professor?
That evening's game of "Guess Who's Sucking on Sammy's Glass Eye?" ended abruptly when Diesel-- daydreaming about the olive in his "martooni"--absentmindedly swallowed.
Yeah, I got nuffin. I am aware that these guys were around and apparently were popular or something....
I don't have a caption but thought I would share some of my family madness. My aunt was in love with Dean Martin. She wanted boys to name after him. She had girls. She called them Deena and Martine.
"OW-UH! Sammy! Frank! That guy HIT ME!"
"Shut up and sit down or we'll pull over. You know you don't want us to pull over."
"What kind of pansi are your replacing Joey with? The guy doesn't smoke or drink!"
I've only read about ten down myself and I see JoelB slaying this week.
"We don't need Humor-blogs baby, unless it's a nightclub."
Rod Serling voiceover: Submitted for your approval. Through a strange break in the space-time continuum, a 21st century humor writer exchanges places with the least famous member of the Rat Pack only to find a copy of Antisocial Commentary in the former talk show host's front jacket pocket.
Congratulations, Diesel. You've just signed up for a never-ending book tour in ... The Twilight Zone...
It was only years later that Will Smith would discover the movie script that had been doomed by Dean Martin's insistence the film be called Men in Glen Plaid.
Dean immediately realized he'd made a mistake in referring to Mrs. Diesel as "that broad."
(just fixing this one)
Marquee at the La Quinta Inn-Ripon:
Rob (Diesel) Kroese - Maybe Dean - Maybe Sammy - Maybe Frank.
None of them thought that Jesus would return as a one-eyed tap dancer but they were all at a loss to explain Sammy's halo....
Diesel meets up with the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.
After a stint on Heroes, Diesel discovers he has the power to bring people back from the dead.
This post has been removed by the author.
Diesel: Wait, I know who you guys are, you're the Three Stooges, right?
Unknown to Dean, Sam and Frank, paparazzo Diesel snaps photo after photo of the celebs with the hidden camera in his eyeglasses.
Diesel found himself to be the only living member of The Dead Rat Society.
All eyes turn to Sammy after he announces, "I'm sexually available."
Now Playing at the La Quinta Inn-Ripon: The Rat Pack -Back From The Dead.
For dead guys, we sure know how to swing!
Everyone agreed with Dean when he said, "This isn't much of a Christmas party."
Dean, Sam and Frank react as Diesel tries to explain the concept of global warming.
Dean, Sam and Frank react to Diesel's suggestion that they use Frank's Academy Award to try to score some babes.
Sammy scorns Diesel's thought that a skinny black woman named Condoleeza would someday be Secretary of State for a republican president, "Not in my lifetime, babe."
Everyone is in shock when Frank is voted off the island.
Members of the Pack wait on a bench after reporting en masse for jury duty.
The Pack discuss who they might get to steal back their football memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel room.
" Toxic ass gas causes four eyes to be expelled from pack, Seen here in only photo taken with group"
The demise of humor-blogs.com has been greatly exaggerated?
Oh my...NO WONDER I can't get into their coveted top 100
Transformers, more than meets the eye
LOL I'll let the others hv a chance for a change ;-)
Keshi.
Diesel: Paaaarp!
Sammy: Geez, who farted?!
Frank and Sammy react while Dean makes the case for allowing an exception to the Rat Pack "no glasses" rule.
The Pack agreed that, despite strides made by Sammy, it would be another 50 years before the entertainment world was ready to hear Diesel rap.