My name's Diesel. I'm a cop.

The first thing you should know about me is that I don't play be the rules. I never have. In fact, I'm not even sure what the rules are. I mean, I have a vague idea, enough to be certain that I don't play by them, but I have no in-depth knowledge regarding the rules.

I should add that when I say I don't play by the rules, I don't mean that my behavior never coincides with that which the rules prescribe; I mean that there is no intentional effort on my part to follow the rules -- although, of course, my lack of familiarity with the rules precludes any effort to intentionally flout them. My relationship with the rules can perhaps best be characterized as a combination of calculated disregard and apathy.

Also, although I stated that the fact that I don't follow the rules is the "first thing you should know about me," it is actually the third thing, which is why I first informed you that my name is Diesel and that I am a cop. In my defense, I provided these two facts merely as essential background information for my main point, which is that I don't play by the rules. If I had started off by telling you that I don't play by the rules without letting you know that I'm a cop, you might have gotten the idea that I was a dentist who pulls perfectly good teeth or something. And that's not my style.

I suppose I didn't really need to tell you my name, but I like people to know who they're dealing with, at least when they're dealing with me. When they're dealing with other people, it really isn't any of my business, although generally speaking, I think people should, whenever possible, let other people know who they are dealing with. It's only fair.

And I don't want you to get the idea that I'm unwilling to pull a healthy tooth, if it comes down to it. There's no reason that it would come down to that, but when you've been in this job as long as I have, you know that it's often very hard to tell what it's going to come down to, especially when you don't know who you're dealing with. Now in this case, you are dealing with me, Diesel. I've given you that much. But who am I dealing with? There's the rub.

In any case, I only mentioned the bit about the dentist because it seems like a dentist who doesn't follow the rules is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Nobody wants a dentist who doesn't follow the rules. It's not a selling point for a dentist. But for a cop... well, then it depends, doesn't it? It depends, for starters, on what the rules are exactly, and as I've mentioned, I'm not likely to be of much help there. I'd love to be able to give you chapter and verse from the rules, but frankly that's not my job. Or maybe it is. Still, I'm not going to.

Oh, sure, a cop who doesn't play by the rules gets into his share of tight spots too. The difference is that dentists can't shoot their mistakes and plant evidence on them to make it look like a mugging gone bad. Well, I imagine they could, but it's not really their area of expertise. Anyway, you get the point.

Hey, I didn't say it was fair. You may not like it, but that's the way things are.

I don't make the rules.


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