The Rhythm of Love

As a child of the 80s, I have a deep and inexplicable love for cheesy rock music. While I enjoy bands from the 90s and the naughties*, nothing beats the endorphin rush I feel when I hear the opening strains of "Urgent" by Foreigner, Journey's "Stone in Love," or pretty much anything by Def Leppard. I recently made a startling discovery about this musical genre, however. I'm sure you'll find this hard to believe, but it turns out that almost all of this music is about sex . I know, it makes you look at Kiss's "Lick it Up" or ZZ Top's "Tube Steak Boogie" in a whole new way, doesn't it?

It took me a while to put it all together, but my first clue came when I was a teenager. I was paging through one of those "Rock Music is of the Devil" books at a bookstore, and came across the assertion that the title of John Cougar Mellencamp's "Hurts so Good" was "a clear reference to sadomasochism." The remarkable thing about this claim -- in addition to making Mr. "Pink Houses" the S&M poster child -- is that the author managed to pick one of the tamest songs of the 80s to pin his case on. I mean, did this guy even bother to check out Prince's "Darling Nicky" or Van Halen's "Black and Blue"? Do some research next time, you friggin' hack.**

The cultural standards of the 1950s forced rock & roll lyricists to tone down the sexual content of their songs, and rock musicians of the 60s and 70s seemed to think they had to elevate rock music with political messages or references to acid trips. It was during the 80s, however, that rock musicians realized, "Hey, we can just sing about sex! Why didn't we think of this before?!" The result was a seemingly endless parade of rock songs that appeared to be written by and for fifteen year old boys. Often these songs -- like Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," which is about, um, a kid who is hot for his teacher, were completely lacking in innuendo. The more astute lyricists of this group employed double entendres and sometimes even metaphors, with a range of subtlety that generally ran from "hammer to the head" to "sledgehammer to the head."

AC/DC was a pioneer in this field, having already started writing songs like "Love at First Feel" in 1975. Take their song, "Big Balls," for example. According to Wikipedia, "Though the song is ostensibly about a person who hosts social balls, the majority of the lyrics are innuendos about sexual activities and testicles." Using that explanation as a sort of Rosetta Stone, one can glean an entirely new meaning from the following lyrics:

Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the balls that I like best
My balls are always bouncing
To the left and to the right
It's my belief that my big balls
Should be held every night

So you say it's actually about testicles? Fascinating. I had no idea.

Then there are songs that are clearly about sex, and yet so lyrically confused that it's impossible to connect the melange of metaphors to anything concrete, such as Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me."

Listen! Red light, yellow light, green light, go!
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up
You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more
Easy operator come a knockin' on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah
Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up
Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me
C'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can't get enough
I'm hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my feet yeah

So... this song is about a guy waiting at a traffic light, where he see a crazy midget who turns out to be a mannequin looking in a mirror. The crazy midget follows him home, where she shakes his bottle until the bubble breaks, lights him on fire and pours sugar on him. Well, that's clear enough.

My favorites are the lyrics that sound cool when you sing them but make you sound like a desperate and possibly retarded fourteen year old when you speak them in a normal tone of voice. I mean, has the line "There's something about you girl / that makes me sweat" ever worked for anyone? I know if I were a woman I'd like nothing more than to hook up with a guy who sweats profusely whenever he sees me. A runny nose and uncontrollable farting would seal the deal for sure.

When I was in college, my friends and I used to entertain ourselves by working the lyrics of these creepy misogynistic songs into everyday conversation. For example, I might walk into a room and announce, "Here I am, rock you like a hurricane." Which doesn't make much sense, but that was kind of the point. One time I was inspired by Mötley Crüe to ask the guys across the hall in my dorm to call me "Dr. Feelgood." I added, by way of explanation, "You know, just when other people are around." This would be not be the the first or last time that my dry sense of humor would be mistaken for mental illness.

The all-time champion of creepy/desperate lyrics has to be Eddie Money, with "Two Tickets to Paradise." I know, you're thinking, "But I always thought they were going to... Hawaii... or something." No, they're not going to Hawaii. This is Eddie Money, remember?

Got a surprise especially for you,
Something that both of us have always wanted to do.
We've waited so long, waited so long.
We've waited so long, waited so long.

I have a live version of this song that starts with Eddie announcing knowingly to the cheering crowd, "I've got something in my pocket...." I'm not sure what he was referring to exactly, but I have a pretty solid guess that it's attached to a creepy old guy. This song was creepy back in 1977, and it gets creepier with every state fair season that goes by. I mean, can you imagine being the lucky girl dating Eddie Money?

Eddie: Hey, babe, I've got a surprise for you.
Girl: Really? What is it?
Eddie: It's something that we've always wanted to do, and we've waited so long....
Girl: What? Are we finally going kayaking like you promised?
Eddie: No, but we are going on sort of a trip.
Girl: A trip? Wow? You made reservations and everything?
Eddie: Got the tickets right here in my pocket.
Girl: Oh, Eddie, I'm so excited! Where are we going?
Eddie: Well, come here and get the tickets.
Girl: Ok.
Eddie: That's it, right there in my pocket.
Girl: Hey, there's nothing here but a condom and your.... ew!
Eddie: Surprise! We're going to have sex in the backseat of my Thunderbird!
Girl: Man, I should never have broken up with Billy Squier.


*Still hoping this will catch on before 2010.
**Speaking of research, I just browsed through John (Cougar) Mellencamp's Wikipedia article, which is packed with interesting information and concludes with this fascinating tidbit: "John spends most of his free time sucking up to race baiters and the liars in the news media. This is proven by his latest song 'Jena'." Gotta love a user-edited encyclopedia.


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