Whew, I feel better. Don't you? I thought I'd post something a little more light-hearted today.
As you might guess, Mrs. Diesel and I have some odd conversations. Usually they start with me asking some bizarre question, apropos of nothing, and then her humoring me until I get bored and move on to something else. Or she tells me to stop annoying her.
On the way to church last Sunday...
Diesel: You know that frog on the commercials, the one that tells kids not to swim in the canals?
Mrs. Diesel: Splasher?
Diesel: Yeah, Splasher. Isn't that kind of unfair? I mean, he's a frog, so he gets to swim in the canals, but he's like, "Hey you, kids, get out of my canal!"
Mrs. Diesel: What would you suggest then, if not a frog?
Diesel: How about a cat? The cat would be like, "Man, you do NOT want to go in that canal."
Mrs. Diesel: But people would just think the cat was biased, because cats hate water.
Diesel: Yeah, but he'd be like, "Trust me, do NOT go in the canal."
Mrs. Diesel: I think you need a more objective animal.
Diesel: How about a dog? The dog would be like, "Sure, I like water, but I don't swim in canals, and neither should you." They could use MacGruff the Crime Dog. He'd be like, "Take a bite out of crime. And stay out of canals."
...
At Del Taco, where Mrs. Diesel has just pointed out the "Toddler's Only" (sic) sign at the play area to our children...
Diesel: What is a 'toddler'?
Mrs. Diesel: One who toddles.
Diesel: What does it mean to 'toddle'?
Mrs. Diesel: To walk, sort of unsteadily.
Diesel: But nobody ever says that. Why do we call them toddlers if we don't ever talk about anyone toddling?
Mrs. Diesel: British people do.
Diesel: Ok, but we don't. We use the word 'toddler', but not the word 'toddle.'
Mrs. Diesel: True, we don't.
Diesel: Do you have to toddle to be a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: Yes.
Diesel: So what about a three year old who is paralyzed from the waist down? Is he a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: No.
Diesel: So he goes from being a baby to being a child without ever being a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: Right.
Diesel: What if his legs start to work when he's 40, so he can walk, but not very well, because he hasn't had any practice. Then is he a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: No.
Diesel: That seems unfair.
...
Two weeks ago I seeded our lawn. For several days thereafter I was giving Mrs. Diesel daily reports on the germination status of the seeds. One day the seed really started to be taking off, so I walked into the living room where Mrs. Diesel was paying bills to give her an update.
Diesel: It looks like about half of the seed has made a decision to germinate.
Mrs. Diesel: (Distracted) That's great.
Diesel: You know, they've put in a lot of hard work.
Mrs. Diesel: Uh huh.
Diesel: I think they would appreciate it if you would come out and say a few words.
Mrs. Diesel: (Impatiently) Paying bills.
Diesel: They've been working really hard, and it would really mean a lot to them.
Mrs. Diesel: (Glaring)
Diesel: And I, uh, kind of already told them you would be coming out.
Mrs. Diesel: Get out.
Diesel: It doesn't have to be a big long speech or anything, but I think they would really appreciate it...
Mrs. Diesel: Get on the other side of that door NOW.
About an hour later I noticed Mrs. Diesel walking out to our driveway to survey the sprouting lawn. I hurried over to stand next to her.
Mrs. Diesel: (Clears her throat and raises her right hand to greet the seedlings.) You've all, uh, done a great job here, and I just wanted to say how much we, uh, appreciate all of your, um, hard work. I know it, uh, hasn't always been easy, and I want you to know that you've, uh, exceeded all of our expectations and, well, you've just done a great job. So, uh, carry on.
Diesel: (Looks quizzically at Mrs. Diesel) You know they're asleep, right?
At this point I had to run for my life.
Did you enjoy this post? There's plenty more like it in my book, Antisocial Commentary. Order your copy and help me to not have to get a real job, so I can keep writing this crap. Thanks!
Humor-blogs.com has never toddled.
As you might guess, Mrs. Diesel and I have some odd conversations. Usually they start with me asking some bizarre question, apropos of nothing, and then her humoring me until I get bored and move on to something else. Or she tells me to stop annoying her.
On the way to church last Sunday...
Diesel: You know that frog on the commercials, the one that tells kids not to swim in the canals?
Mrs. Diesel: Splasher?
Diesel: Yeah, Splasher. Isn't that kind of unfair? I mean, he's a frog, so he gets to swim in the canals, but he's like, "Hey you, kids, get out of my canal!"
Mrs. Diesel: What would you suggest then, if not a frog?
Diesel: How about a cat? The cat would be like, "Man, you do NOT want to go in that canal."
Mrs. Diesel: But people would just think the cat was biased, because cats hate water.
Diesel: Yeah, but he'd be like, "Trust me, do NOT go in the canal."
Mrs. Diesel: I think you need a more objective animal.
Diesel: How about a dog? The dog would be like, "Sure, I like water, but I don't swim in canals, and neither should you." They could use MacGruff the Crime Dog. He'd be like, "Take a bite out of crime. And stay out of canals."
...
At Del Taco, where Mrs. Diesel has just pointed out the "Toddler's Only" (sic) sign at the play area to our children...
Diesel: What is a 'toddler'?
Mrs. Diesel: One who toddles.
Diesel: What does it mean to 'toddle'?
Mrs. Diesel: To walk, sort of unsteadily.
Diesel: But nobody ever says that. Why do we call them toddlers if we don't ever talk about anyone toddling?
Mrs. Diesel: British people do.
Diesel: Ok, but we don't. We use the word 'toddler', but not the word 'toddle.'
Mrs. Diesel: True, we don't.
Diesel: Do you have to toddle to be a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: Yes.
Diesel: So what about a three year old who is paralyzed from the waist down? Is he a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: No.
Diesel: So he goes from being a baby to being a child without ever being a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: Right.
Diesel: What if his legs start to work when he's 40, so he can walk, but not very well, because he hasn't had any practice. Then is he a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: No.
Diesel: That seems unfair.
...
Two weeks ago I seeded our lawn. For several days thereafter I was giving Mrs. Diesel daily reports on the germination status of the seeds. One day the seed really started to be taking off, so I walked into the living room where Mrs. Diesel was paying bills to give her an update.
Diesel: It looks like about half of the seed has made a decision to germinate.
Mrs. Diesel: (Distracted) That's great.
Diesel: You know, they've put in a lot of hard work.
Mrs. Diesel: Uh huh.
Diesel: I think they would appreciate it if you would come out and say a few words.
Mrs. Diesel: (Impatiently) Paying bills.
Diesel: They've been working really hard, and it would really mean a lot to them.
Mrs. Diesel: (Glaring)
Diesel: And I, uh, kind of already told them you would be coming out.
Mrs. Diesel: Get out.
Diesel: It doesn't have to be a big long speech or anything, but I think they would really appreciate it...
Mrs. Diesel: Get on the other side of that door NOW.
About an hour later I noticed Mrs. Diesel walking out to our driveway to survey the sprouting lawn. I hurried over to stand next to her.
Mrs. Diesel: (Clears her throat and raises her right hand to greet the seedlings.) You've all, uh, done a great job here, and I just wanted to say how much we, uh, appreciate all of your, um, hard work. I know it, uh, hasn't always been easy, and I want you to know that you've, uh, exceeded all of our expectations and, well, you've just done a great job. So, uh, carry on.
Diesel: (Looks quizzically at Mrs. Diesel) You know they're asleep, right?
At this point I had to run for my life.
Did you enjoy this post? There's plenty more like it in my book, Antisocial Commentary. Order your copy and help me to not have to get a real job, so I can keep writing this crap. Thanks!
Humor-blogs.com has never toddled.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Mrs. Diesel
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Oh, man, to be living in your household even for a week. What a hoot!
Your poor wife....
Definitely agree that a dog would be a better spokesperson, uh .. spokesanimal. Cats can't be trusted. In fact, if the canals are really dangerous a cat would be more likely to try to convince children it was safe to swim there. Cats are jerks that way.
We can now truly appreciate what Mrs. D has to put up with, and admire her even more. ;) You have an amazing wife Diesel, treat her well, and stop bothering her when she's trying to pay the bills.
YOu need to buy your wife some flowers.
Hold on to that lady.
And, seriously, dude ... I'd get that schizophrenia checked out... :)
you best be thanking God everyday for that woman...she is a SAINT!
laughing laughing laughing...
At least your wife humors you.
My wife simply tolerates me.
Ummm ... isn't Chicago "That Toddlin' Town"? Although I think that's more a reference to the unsteady gait of all the drunks on the streets there, it MIGHT be a reference to all the little kids instead. But still, it's in a song and all so it's got to be legit.
And Mrs. Diesel was just looking for an excuse to smack you because I'm sure she knows that grass is not nocturnal. It sleeps at night just like ... other non-nocturnal (yeah, I know the word is "diurnal") plants.
Those conversations happen almost everyday at my house and almost always end up with the wife saying something like "Would you stop annoying me"
The answer is usually no.
I think you are Calvin and Mrs. D is Hobbes.
Umm...yeah...same comment as my last one.
By the way, I use the word "toddle" all the time. Perhaps because I hang around a lot of toddlers.
i wouldn't be at all surprised if mrs. diesel organizes the grass seed agasint you at this point.
Bless Mrs. Diesel's heart! LOL "You know they are asleep right?"
All that AND she has to pick out the caption winner, too? It's just plain ol' abusive, Diesel.
You've got way too much time on your hands, dude. Instead of irritating your wife, why not get on here and give us some more stuff to laugh about? :)
You were so disgruntled in your last post. Now I can only assume you are back to your old gruntled self. :) I still think the saintly Mrs. Diesel needs to post, but yeah, she's busy paying bills, teaching and raising kids. Somebody's gotta do the heavy lifting...
Almost forgot -you know what's behind the anti-swimming in canal ads? Lawsuits of course. Hubby works for ACWA and local water districts get sued All The Time. Like its the water agency's fault if people do stupid stuff. Nanny State, here we are! They have to pay up too, BIG bucks and we are all paying for it.
See, I get disgruntled too.Hrrumpp.
Some people can't tell when plants are sleeping. Just because they don't have EYES! There are other ways to tell!
I love to read snippets of life like this. Very funny.
Mrs. Diesel has the patience of a saint! :D That last one was really funny!
LOL - Never mess with the women folks. They get real testy sometimes.
ya know, back years ago when I used to drink I'd toddle quite a bit. I'm wondering how management would have responded had I got into the play area with the rest of the kid - my being a "legal" toddler and all. Maybe ask Mrs Diesel about that one.
BTW - you should know the Winner of the Daveman's cheap captions has been announced. FYI
oh, it must be hard being married to you. you have my sympathy mrs. diesel. :)
I can't believe your wife actually went out to talk to the seeds. My wife would have thrown a book at me. Or at least she would have wanted to.
Diesel.
I am not sure how your wife gets through a single day with you around.
Too funny~! I wonder if she is even funnier than you? No. But almost.
xo
Gillian
I just toddled over to your blog and what should I behold? A new post!!
I'm just waiting until she publishes HER book. What a pair of books that would be. One hillarious; the other hillariously true!
Mrs. Diesel--
my sympathies. I think there are support groups for this sort of thing.
In peace and compassion,
the IC
LOL. She comes out to humor you and talk to the germinating plants...that just really cracked me up, Diesel. Whew. I give her a lot of credit. I am sure even the grass was laughing-it sure couldn't be the breeze that made them move.
Awesome. You and I should so totally hang out some time.
So small children and drunks can play on the playground... that seems like a bad combination to me.
Could she come and talk to my lawn it needs a pick me up.
I wanna read Mrs Diesel's blog!!
Move over Mr Diesel!
I have a toddler, who is toddling around three yards from me this very second. But then again, I am British...
I torture my husband the same way. He thinks I'm nuts and can't figure out of my warped mind bent is for real or an act.
I can't believe your wife hasn't shoved a fork in your brain yet.
Ummm ... karen? We don't like to mention the "accident", but how do you think Diesel got this way?
Laugh out loud funny. You're a lucky man to have found Mrs. Diesel.
I love your wife!
I am so sending Mrs. Diesel a care package full of qualudes and zoloft.
Mrs. Diesel needs a Grundir to set loose on you.
Diesel: It looks like about half of the seed has made a decision to germinate.
Mrs. Diesel: (Distracted) That's great.
Diesel: You know, they've put in a lot of hard work.
Mrs. Diesel: Uh huh.
Diesel: I think they would appreciate it if you would come out and say a few words.
Mrs. Diesel: (Impatiently) Paying bills.
Diesel: They've been working really hard, and it would really mean a lot to them.
Mrs. Diesel: (Glaring)
Diesel: And I, uh, kind of already told them you would be coming out.
Mrs. Diesel: Get out.
Diesel: It doesn't have to be a big long speech or anything, but I think they would really appreciate it...
Mrs. Diesel: Get on the other side of that door NOW.
This is charming in the extreme!
The kind of lazy asshole I am, were I the bill payer in this scenario, once you'd said "if you would come out and say-" I would have been out of my chair in a hot second. Right! Great. Say no more. Good idea. And then our electricity would be turned off.
I bet you two are fun when you're drunk! LOL
I left a comment and it is nowhere to be seen.
Great humor-Diesel.
I think of you often because I read Thomas the Train books to my kid. Know who the villain is? Diesel. That should provide some fodder for you somehow.
You guys don't use the word "toddle"? What's the matter with you?
ps. You're wife should be cannonised.
You've "stumbled" upon an excellent idea for a new annoying blog/website social network.
"Toddle this post!"
My Papi thinks blogging is a waste of time......and yet every minorly funny conversation has him eagerly leaning forward and asking me, "Girlie, are you going to blog about that?"
He just said that last night. We were talking about how sometimes farts smell like sulphur and that people report sulphuric smells when demons appear. Linking stinky farts with demonic activity. Yeah, maybe I will blog about it.
I enjoyed this post very much. I found myself laughing out loud more than once!
Diesel, have you ever thought about writing a book?
You do keep a sturdy lock on the cutlery drawer, right?
May I just say here that your wife is a saint?
I stumbled onto this blog.
My wife read it and says that the two of them (your wife and mine) should get together and plot against us men, so they (women in general I think) can sleep without twitching.
I agree about the toddling, by the way.