Well, Sure, They're Not Fighting Now

Did you hear that Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize? This surprised me, as the odds seemed to be stacked against him. After all, if a guy named "Gore" can win the Nobel Peace Prize, what's to keep a guy named Horrific Slaughter, Guts von Carnage, or even Yasser Arafat from winning?

To be honest, I didn't even know that the argument over global warming had escalated into a full-fledged armed conflict. As I wrote in my book when Gore was nominated, "Al Gore doesn't deserve all the credit for preventing the Great Global Warming War. I mean, shouldn't some of the credit go to the millions of individuals on both sides who aren't fighting?"

On second thought, though, I suppose the lack of violence is a evidence of Gore's tireless efforts. Imagine how many people might have died if Gore hadn't kept a lid on the fighting. It is only right that we should recognize Al Gore for his role in forestalling global warming-related violence, just as George W. Bush was universally lauded for keeping Iraq free of WMDs.

And let's not forget that most of the world's hot spots are, well, hot spots. Iraq, Rwanda, Burma, Compton -- they're all located in hot climates. It stands to reason that the more hot climates there are in the world, the more terrorists, insurgents and dictators we will have. The only guaranteed way to cool down these hot spots is to reverse the trend toward global warming. Once these places have a more reasonable climate, their people will realize that there is more to life than lashing out with car bombs and box cutters just because they're a little edgy about the weather. As long as the Middle East routinely experiences temperatures over 120 degrees Fahrenheit, it will be filled with people who are ready to snap the next time somebody tells them that at least it's a "dry heat."

The true scale of the global warming threat has only recently been discovered. In fact, a mere generation ago the biggest threat seemed to be from countries in cold climates. We even called it a "cold war" because the Communists seemed intent on moving from their frozen potato fields into more hospitable climates like those of Southeast Asia and Latin America. But the Soviet expansion was doomed by America's secret weapon: Star Wars.

No, not the anti-ballistic missile program. The movies. Yes, just as the battle for galactic supremacy moved from the ice planet of Hoth to the desert world of Tatooine, the struggle for global domination moved from the frozen wastes of Eastern Europe to the sunny climes of the Middle East. Coincidence? Maybe, but what about the portentious thawing of carbonite-encased Han Solo and Leia's use of a "thermite grenade" in her plot to save him? All of these events clearly add up to one undeniable conclusion: I'm a HUGE geek.



The point is, people in moderate climates tend to not be much of a threat to us. When was the last time we really had to worry about Italy, Spain, France or Mexico? I know, Canada isn't really very dangerous either, but that's just because we've never really pissed them off. If Canada ever really gets upset, you're going to see a side of them that... ok, I can't keep this up. I had you going there, though, didn't I? Look at them up there, with their cute money with birds on it and policemen on horsies.

Anyway, Canada's harmlessness notwithstanding, extreme climates are, generally speaking, the source of most of the belligerence in the world. This is why our polar ice caps are so vital. We need that ice so that we can export it from really cold areas to really hot areas like the Middle East and Sub-Saharan Africa. By evening out global ice distribution, we will make both extremely hot areas and extremely cold areas more hospitable to human life, so that eventually they are both marginally habitable, like Buffalo. And we'll finally be able to pull our troops out of Iraq, so that we can deploy them to more important places, like the North Pole, where they can help ensure the global dominance of Big Ice.

Oh, you may argue that my suggestions are not "politically feasible." You may contend that I'm "grandstanding," or "employing scare tactics." You might even argue that none of my ideas make sense "economically" or "scientifically." And you know what? You're right. And that's exactly why I'm not going to win a Nobel Prize in economics or chemistry any time soon.

If I play my cards right, though, I might just win me one of them Peace Prizes.


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