Gather Your Memes and Hobbits About You!

It seems as if every time I darken this blog with my ominous visage, I must first apologize for my long absence. So once again, flesh-bags, I must express my regret that I could not enlighten and terrify you sooner.

Frankly, I grow a bit weary of being employed to kill gophers and the occasional errant hobbit at the Diesel estate, only occasionally being called upon to dispatch a troublesome meme or two. I have over 900 years of slaying experience! Could I not find a more meaningful gig?

True, I have done the occasional guest column over at the Clay Pigeon humor magazine, but even that does not come close to filling the insatiable gnawing pit of blackness that is my soul. I am considering taking up scrap-booking. I've already got one of those neat scissors that cuts the jagged lines, as you could probably guess from my cloak. What other supplies do I need? Glue? What else?

Ah, but I have forgotten why my master summoned me. It seems that the memes have been springing up around this place like Uruk-Hai in spring. And memes, like Saruman's goblin abominations (or "agoblinations," as we call them), reproduce asexually, so they must be dispatched quickly. Memes reproduce through a process that resembles the budding of jellyfish; and Uruk-Hai reproduce in a way that makes one wonder whether J.R.R. Tolkien had any idea where babies come from.

The point is that I must deal with these memes before they get out of hand. So, without further delay:

Six Inconsequential Facts About Myself, courtesy of the Suburban Correspondent and Special Kind of Stupid, which almost rhymes.

1. I once bumped into Larry King at the Howard Johnson's in Provo, Utah. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he seemed to think I was Lyle Lovett. He kept saying, "Hand me some more towels, Lyle! I need more towels!" It got awkward when he asked me about "schtupping" Julia Roberts, so I kicked him in the kneecaps and ran.

2. Angela's Ashes made me cry. The book, not the movie. There was a movie, I think. Right?

3. Hearing the word "riverdance" causes me to fly into a murderous rage.

4. Before I became a Nazgul, I was a summer.

5. I am working on a book about how to avoid being turned into a Nazgul. So far I have completed two chapters: "Just say no to magical rings!" and "Don't skimp on the riboflavin!"

6. Despite having no corporeal form, I find that wool trousers still chafe. Explain that one.

Next up, the puzzlingly named Magnetoboldtoo has given me a virtual kiss, explaining that "nothing is hotter than a faceless man in a black hood that smells like hopelessness and failure. The original Emo."

First, Ms. Magnetoboldtoo, I must assure you that if you had felt the unearthly chill of my presence, you would not make the mistake of calling me "hot." Unless you mean it in a metaphorical sense, in which case, rightbackatcha, babe.

Second, my hood smells like hopelessness, failure and gorgonzola.

Third, I am not in fact "the original Emo," although I will concede that the likeness is striking:

Frightening, isn't it?

I have several more memes to go through, thanks to Special Kind of Stupid and Daisy, but I am aware that as mortal creatures you only have a fleeting amount of time to spend reading this blog before you return to your lives of absurd futility. I shall return next week to dispatch the remainder. Take heed that my master's record-keeping is somewhat sub-standard, so if you have tagged this blog and I have not mentioned your meme here, please leave a comment advising me of such. I shall then dispatch your meme with all due haste.

If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend: You Shall Tremble Before the Meme-Wraith! | Tremble Before My Shovel! Humor-blogs.com is the original Elmo.