Can you dig it?

Dear 19 year old neighbor kid whom I’m paying eight bucks an hour to dig trenches:

You probably won’t read this, but I’ve noticed that you have a lot of questions regarding your position in our organization, and I wanted to write down some answers so that I would have the information you require readily available.

Question 1. Why do I have to dig trenches?

The short answer to this is, “You don’t.” You choose to dig trenches because you have a maxed out credit card and a phone bill that you have no other way of paying off. Not to mention the fact that your phone is broken, so until you buy a new one, you’re paying for a phone you can’t use. These circumstances are the result of choices you made. I’m not sure where your confusion on this issue is coming from.

Question 2. Why don’t you just dig them yourself?

Because digging trenches pretty much blows. Surely you’ve learned that much during your tenure here. If you can pay someone to dig your trenches for you, I highly recommend it.

Question 3. Why do you only pay me $8 an hour?

Because you have demonstrated that you will dig trenches for that amount.

Question 4. What if I quit?

Then I will have to spend ten minutes to find another teenage kid willing to dig trenches for $8 an hour. And you will still have a credit card bill, a phone bill and a broken phone.

Question 5. Where are you going to find somebody else willing to dig trenches for $8 an hour?

Believe it or not, digging trenches is not considered a high-skilled occupation. Anyone with opposable thumbs can dig a trench. An orangutan could dig a trench. The only reason you never see an orangutan digging a trench is that orangutans have an irrational hatred of underground sprinkler systems. Although on second thought, they would probably just hire chimpanzees to dig their trenches anyway, because orangutans are smart that way.

There are actually people risking their lives to sneak across the border into this country to have the opportunity to dig trenches for $8 an hour. And as an added bonus, most of these people speak little or no English.

Question 6. Why don’t you just rent a trencher?

Because renting a trencher would cost me $70 a day. A trencher is loud and unweildy, and I would have to constantly attend to it to make sure that it is going the right direction.

Actually, you make a pretty good point. Let me think about this one.

Question 7. What do I have to do to get a raise?

Generally speaking, to get a raise, you have to do something to increase your value to your employer. One way for you to do this would be to save me money by working harder and/or faster. I am going to assume you are not interested in that option.

Another possibility is to save me time. You could do this by, for example, not making me repeat the instructions for digging a trench three or four times. Another possibility would be for you to dig pretty much right where I tell you to dig, rather than digging holes in random locations throughout the yard. Or, you know, drifting off on non-digging related activities.

Question 8. Am I going to have to dig trenches for the rest of my life?

Probably not. Honestly, I’m not sure digging trenches is your strong suit.

Question 9. Why can’t I do something more interesting, like run the rototiller?

Because if you rototill the way you dig, you will most likely eviscerate yourself in short order. Then I will have to bury your remains in a shallow grave in the orchard to avoid liability for your demise. And as we’ve established, I hate digging.

Question 10. If I work over eight hours in a day, can I get overtime?

Yes. You will be alerted in the event of any trench-digging emergencies that require round-the-clock digging. Keep your phone with you at all times.

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