Celebrity, Babies!

Regular readers of this blog will know that I'm not much for "topical blogging." While the rest of the world is trying to elevate the national political debate by dragging Paris Hilton into it, I'm focused on less sexy issues, like the spamming of periodic table or the plight of Huey Lewis.

This is in part because I stopped reading the local paper as a result of a harrowing incident where I went blind for three days after accidentally reading the "My Favorite Outfit" feature. And then there is the fact that I don't watch TV news, because I've found that TV news programs consist of:

• 18% Advertising for products I don't need
• 12% Advertising for other shows I won't watch
• 8% Stories about animals/children/attractive young white women who are missing or trapped somewhere that make me feel bad because what can I do?
• 8% Celebrity gossip that I will hear about from coworkers anyway
• 8% Information about sports teams I don't follow
• 7% Useful information that will be obsolete within 6 hours
• 7% Stuff I already know
• 7% Talking points, lies and nonsense
• 6% Repetition of stuff that was said earlier in the show
• 6% Notices of what will be on later in the show
• 5% Eye-catching graphics and impressive whooshing sounds
• 4% Nauseating pleasantries
• 3% Meaningless statistics taken out of context
• 1% Valuable information that will probably also appear on my Google home page

Still, I feel like I should "get with the program" and start doing some more topical posts. One topic that always seem to generate interest is "celebrity babies."

Why do we care about celebrity babies? Is it because we all secretly wish we could experience some of the excitement and glamor that goes along with being a celebrity baby? Do we perhaps wish that our own babies could be celebrities? Or is it simply the fact that it's nice to see that celebrities are just people like us, who eat, sleep, and do the occasional dookie in their pants?

At first I thought writing about celebrity babies would be a "no-brainer." But when I began to delve into the topic, I found it surprisingly difficult. First of all, the standards ordinarily used for identifying celebrities don't really apply to babies. Adult celebrities tend to be either extremely good looking or extremely rich, or people who have accomplished something noteworthy. Most babies, on the other hand, are sort of fat and wrinkly, with ill-defined features and no hard assets to speak of. Very few babies have accomplished anything truly remarkable.

Take, for example, this Russian baby, named Nadia. Nadia weighed 17 pounds at birth.

That's remarkable, to be sure, but is that really the sort of prenatal behavior we want to encourage? And somehow I doubt Nadia has given any though to how she's going to maintain her celebrity. Sure, 17 pounds is impressive at birth, but once you get to Mary Kate and Ashley's age, it's just creepy. On the other hand, she could make out well if she could work out an endorsement deal with Subway, a la Jared. I bet Nadia could get down to a trim and sexy 7 pounds after 3 months of veggie subs. Now there's a celebrity baby I could get behind. And possibly even lift without some sort of pulley system.

Verdict: Weight and see.


Here's the next baby I found in my research.
What struck me about this baby is that she didn't go with the standard chubby pinkish baby face. "Here's a baby who's not afraid to make a statement," I thought. Tragically, in a misguided effort to jump-start their child's show business career, the baby's parents named her "Ginger Monkey." What a horrible name to stick your child with. Sure, it's cute now, but what if little Ginger decides to forgo a career in entertainment to pursue a more noble calling, such as medicine or law? Can you imagine hiring a law firm named Steingberg, Fishbein and Ginger Monkey? Would you agree to undergo a dangerous life-saving medical procedure known as the Ginger Monkey Treatment? Even as an actor, you're doomed to be typecast with a name like that. I'm afraid Ginger's parents have sentenced their daughter to a life alternating between rehab, shock treatments and appearances on Hollywood Squares.

Verdict: Monkey trouble looming.


I am impressed with this next baby for several reasons.

First, despite being unable to walk or talk intelligibly, this baby was able to write the name of a leading American political figure on her own forehead. Even more remarkable is that fact that she apparently did this without the aid of a mirror, because then it would have been backwards -- a mistake common to otherwise politically astute infants.

Disdain for her obviously Republican parents emanates from this child like an aura of liberal independence. "Maybe I don't know a 'red state' from a 'blue state' or a 'square' from a 'triangle'," she seems to be thinking, "but dammit, I'm supporting Obama. We've had enough of mindlessly following old white men; it's time for a change! Seriously. It's time. Change me. I'm about one inflamed butt-cheek away from throwing my support to Nader."

Verdict: This baby's on fire!


I was all ready to hail this next baby as the "next big thing." A baby the size of a cigarette lighter? Now there's something worth celebrating!

Sadly, I determined that this is actually a hoax. The baby is normal-sized, weighing in at ten pounds 3 ounces. The "tiny baby photo" is a trick perpetrated by the baby's fame-obsessed father, who is known by local police as Enormous Hand Jimmy.

Verdict: A big thumbs down.


Here's where things get really difficult. To be a celebrity baby, you obviously have to be a baby. But how does one define "baby"? If someone claims to be a baby, do we just take their word for it?

Take Baby Spice, for example. Despite ample evidence that she was all growed up in the mid-90s, Emma Bunton managed to get the world to call her "Baby Spice." I think that the rule should be that if you arbitrarily claim to be a baby when clearly you are not, you shouldn't later be able to claim that you are no longer a baby. Frankly, I'm tempted to apply this rule to the Olsen twins as well.

Verdict: You'll always be our baby.

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